The Next Journey - PS

Oct 21, 2009

Well, by this time next week my "mudslide" will be gone and instead I'll have a low scar.  I'm scared as heck, but there's also a little glimmer of excitement at having a smoother looking tummy.  The scar and pain are definitely going to be worth the trade.  I know I probably won't feel that way about this time next week - I'll be in pain and wondering what the heck I did, but I'll look at the before pics and know why!  So I can feel more complete.  Like I really did lose all the weight.  It's hard to "see" it in my mind when the image in the mirror is so disgusting. 

Yesterday I spent the majority of my day at the University of Washngton Medical Center for my pre-op with the surgeons and anesthesia clinic for next week's surgery.  Then today I had my two-year RNY follow-up appointment with Dr. Hunter.  Lots of time in doctor's offices - of course everyone was running at least an hour late, so made for long day.  He said he's so proud of me.  I weighed in at 158.  Same weight I weighed at my one-year follow-up appointment.  My goal weight was 155, so I've been staying close to it since I first hit it 7-1/2 months after my RNY surgery.  I told him I bounce between 155 and 165.  Once I hit my goal, I quit weighing daily (I know - we were encouraged to not weigh that often, but I "had to.")  After it stayed within that same range for a year, I pretty much quit weighing myself and have just been going by how my clothes feel.  I went from a size 24 jean to a size 6 jean, 5X tops to medium tops.  If the size 6 or medium start feeling less loose, I go back to basics for a few days and re-evaluate what I've been eating.  My usual thing is carbs - I love Stacy's Pita Chips and can get carried away with them.  I have to laugh at that, though, because "carried away" now means finishing off a single-serving package in 2-3 sittings - when I used to finish off the multiple-serving package in one sitting and still be hungry.  It's amazing how your perspective on "pigging out" changes.  A whole day of pigging out now doesn't even come close to equaling what one pigging out meal could be before. 

Dr. Hunter asked if I was considering plastics to complete my journey and I told him I was starting that next week.  He told me that once I'm healed up, weather permitting, I should start attending their support group meetings again (weather permitting because they're almost a two hour trip from my house - so snow or ice would keep me from making that long drive for an hour meeting).  He said now comes the hard part - achieving the goal, maintaining the weight and keeping it off this long is terrific, but a lot of people hit two years and then between then and year five start relaxing and eating more things and thinking, heck, the weight's stayed off so far, I can cool it and then they start gaining.  Some people can catch themselves and stop it, other's can't.  He told me to call him if I start feeling out of control of my appetite or eating and there are things he can do to help me.  I love Dr. Hunter! 

So, unless I start having any issues, I won't see him again until next year.  He has his patients come in once a year for at last the first five years - longer if they have any issues in between.  It kind of scares me that my family and closest, dearest friends' reaction when I told them about my appointment was that they just don't see me losing it and starting to regain.  They've watched me closely over the last two years and really don't see that happening.  They say what they've seen in me is that my mindset is that the way I eat and how active I've become is my life now and has been for awhile, not a diet or a short-term lifestyle change that I think I can quit at any time.  This isn't a journey with an end, it's an everlasting journey.  I hope they're right, but regaining is still always a lurking possibility.  I'm the only one of the seven close friends and their family members who have had this surgery who either got to my goal (some of them didn't) and have kept it off (they've all regained some if not all/more).  Things that constantly remind me of how far I've come - fitting in a normal chair at work without getting stuck between the arms and having to remember to lift with the chair arms so I didn't pick up the whole chair when standing up - embarrassing and self-esteem crashing enough by yourself, but totally humiliating when others would see; fitting in a regular seat on airplanes; not being too heavy to sleep on the cots at fire camp or being so heavy that all the air leaks out of my air mattress over night every night - never had to add air again once I pumped it up on any fire this season; fitting in the sanicans on fires without having to worry about rubbing up against the filthy urinals!; being able to join a gym and actually take training sessions and work out on the equipment with him 3-4 days a week, and working out on my own another 2-3 days.  My greatest goal meeting moment, that still blows me away when I do it - running on the treadmill!  I could walk on the treadmill before and I always wanted to run, but couldn't.  I could barely walk fast enough to consider trotting.  I told my trainer one thing I wanted to do was run, but I was scared I'd fall off the treadmill and totally embarrass myself (the possibility of getting hurt never entered my mind - just the embarrassment).  He took me right over to the treadmill, covered the monitor and had me start walking.  He'd slowly increase the speed and pretty soon I had to trot, then jog, and when I felt comfortable and knew I wasn't going to fall, he moved it up to where I had to run.  And I felt like I was flying!  It was amazing.  It still tears me up when I think back on that moment.  I almost cried, but was concentrating so hard on just running and keeping my feet on the treadmill.  He was so proud of me!  But no one could be prouder than I was!!  I called my husband right away and couldn't stop telling everyone - I finally RAN today!!!

Now, waiting for my surgery next Wednesday feels like that in a way again. Like I'm getting ready to run, but am scared to take off.  I'm almost to the trotting stage, working up to the jog.  It feels so far away - heck, six days to go through still, but it feels like a huge wave you can see coming at you and you have that sense of terror of it killing you, but tempered with the thrill of having it wash over you and coming out the other side.  Of course, that could just be something you have to grow up and live near the ocean to know what it feels like, but that's exactly how I feel now.

On another topic, I'd been wanting a dog for the whole 12 years we've been together and he said "no way," I don't want the responsibility (we didn't have kids either - neither of us wanted them).  Well, my husband went to the animal shelter a few months ago and adopted a German Shorthair Pointer for me.  He's around 3 years old, perfect health and condition (vet was amazed for a shelter dog), and the funnest bundle of joy I've ever seen.  He cracks us up all the time - funny, energetic, just a blast to have around.  And my husband's fallen in love with "the boy."  That's what we call him.  He was already named Odie when we got him, so we kept the name and it totally fits him!  He's all legs, runs like there's no tomorrow, spins in circles and then crashes to the ground like he's passing out.  Then if you walk toward him, he jumps up and takes off again - all around the yard (we have an acre and he makes the whole circuit).  But he found something stinky tonight - any pet owner knows what that means - YUM to a dog!  So, Daddy's running the bath and I better go help. 

I've posted my before pics that my hubby and I took last night.  Don't know if the doctor's office will do that before surgery next week, so we wanted to make sure we got them.  I plan on posting my afters as I go along.  I know how super helpful it's been for me to see other's progress along the way, keeping my level of excitement and hopefulness for what I can look like up.  Maybe my pics can help someone else, too.

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