Yesterday

Sep 24, 2013

I am not even sure how to describe yesterday. Before surgery I suffered with very dark, very dangerous major depression and PTSD. Of course these things still plague me from time to time, but never to the extent of preop.  Until now.

I know it is exhaustion - physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual. I am just drained and worn out, there is nothing left to give - but give I must.  I am scheduled for 12 days straight at work, and depending on the health of my co-workers mother-in-law, it may turn into even more than that.  It's ok, I need the money.

Two weeks to the Santa Rosa Island Triathlon. I had so much fun last year - I trained hard at home and at the group training. This year I did nothing - between Texas trips, weather canceling it out and then my mom in ICU I missed tons of training. I dread it, but I want to do it - I refuse to be a "did not start".  (Even though every fiber of my being is screaming to just quit, give in, rest, don't humiliate myself by being last, etc).  I emailed my counselor about quitting, and his reply made it sound like he thought I should. Even though I said "If I quit I will hate myself at a whole new level"

That hurt.

It's about 8 weeks to my half marathon. I feel a little tiny bit more hopeful about it. I know I can go nearly 10 miles, so another 3 I can walk or crawl if I have to.

Anyway - yesterday.

FIVE kit kat bars (not the snack sized ones)
Nutter Butter cookies
banana bread
pineapple bread
zuchinni bread
bananas (multiple)
salisbury steak and gravy on a roll

A whole new level of ridiculous. More resembling the 353lb me than the triathlete me.

I just feel lost. No idea how to get back to where I was.

My trainer was so sweet and encouraging, reminding me where I came from and stuff like that. She cheered my workout even though I felt like a complete loser / failure.

I don't know where to go from here.  I mean, I know the things to do - I know how to get my eating back on track and get back to the gym.  I just don't know how to find the desire to do it.  As I as stuffing my face yesterday, I thought about my mom and her health , how everything ties back to her weight. How I didn't want to be dependent on people to get up / go to the bathroom / clean myself.   And then I ate another Kit Kat.
I thought about the triathlon and how afraid I am of failing.  And I had my Nutter butters.

The only thing driving me, ever so slowly and reluctantly - is not wanting to disappoint my trainer.

0 Comments