I can't wait to see what this year holds!
Jan 02, 2009And I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted! Day to day life has just gotten so busy. And I'm thankful for that.
First things first, today I hit the 100 pound mark! As of this morning I'm down exactly 100 pounds from my highest weight ever & 84 pounds down from my surgery weight. I think this qualifies me to be a member of the "century club", although I'm not sure what the accepted criteria is - highest or surgery weight. Either way I'm ecstatic & in disbelief. I never dreamed I'd actually be this small. OK, so I dreamed it alot, but I guess I just never believed it would really, really happen. And, thankfully, it hasn't been nearly as hard as all that stupid dieting.
I'm really starting to like the gym! I never dreamed I'd be saying that either. A new gym has opened up here in our little, sleepy town that has some equipment that I've fallen in love with. My favorite thing now is kickboxing!!!!! There's this machine that has 3 columns in a triangle & each column has 3 pads going up & down on it. The pads randomly light up & the goal is to kick/punch each one as quicly as you can when it lights up. My knuckles are getting quite tough from all my punching. Greg even gave me special kickboxing gloves for Christmas!!!! If you knew me better, you'd be completely shocked that I actually asked for any kind of fitness equipment. I think I love it so much because it provides such a great venue for releasing all my pent up anger & frustrations. I'm finding that if I miss a few days in a row going to the gym that I get really cranky. So I've amped up my workouts to 5 days a week.
My weight loss has just about come to a screeching halt. I've plateaued several times over the last 8 weeks & have gotten really frustrated. Rachel, the nut, says she does not think I'm done losing yet & I'm praying she's right. I've adjusted my original goal from 125 to 140. Dr. Hart said he thinks I'd "look funny" if I got any smaller than 140, but I sure would like to find out. I guess I'd be happy at 140, we'll see. I'm wearing some mediums on the bottom, but still in L/XL on top. I'm counting the weeks until I can have abdominoplasty! I can take the rolls of loose skin on my stomach & inner thighs & roll it on top of itself. It's so gross! Dr. Hart said he thinks I have about 10 pounds that'll come off with plastic surgery. So that would get me closer to my original goal if that's true.
Life in general has changed dramatically for me. I'm off all meds except 1/2 of one blood pressure pill & a thyroid pill & a hormone patch. That alone has made me feel so much better. I couldn't believe how much clearer my head was as soon as I went off Accupril. It was like I came out of a cloud & could finally think again. And I'm not requiring nearly as much sleep as I did before. (I still sleep at least 8 hours a night, but before I needed at least 10 hours to feel human.) Not sure if that's from getting off meds or getting more exercise, but it's good either way. I have so much more energy than I ever have in my entire life I think. I find myself bounding up the stairs & running for no reason at all. Kind of like you see kids do.
And that's what I feel like sometimes. Like I've found a happy kid inside me that's always ready to have fun & go & do & see. It's truly remarkable how much anxiety has gone away. I'm convinced there is some hormone or chemical that doctors haven't discovered yet that is stored in our fat that contributes to severe anxiety. My anxiety was crippling at times & has melted away layer by layer with the fat. That has been one of the best side effects of all, for me. It's been so freeing not to be tied down with fear & anxiety. Even my fear of death has subsided tremendously. It's like if I die now it's no big deal because I've gotten to experience life again. Maybe that's part of the obesity/anxiety connection - that the closer you are to dying the more anxiety you have about it. And I know I was close!!!! Now I have so much to look forward to.
I hope this year brings even more opportunities for fun & happiness. Maybe our house will finally sell & I'll get to live in civilization again. That would be awesome. I love living in the mountains, but it's so damn inconvenient to everything. It takes me 50 minutes just to get to/from the gym, not including any workout time. But the downside of moving back to town is that I'm going to have to go back to work. Greg makes about 60K less per year than he used to at his former job & we keep having to take money out of savings for living expenses. So that sucks big time & it really pisses me off. I really like my life the way it is (no job), but I guess I'll do what I have to do. Maybe with my new body/personality I'll be able to get a job that's fun & get compensated for it. I DO NOT want to go back into accounting. BORING!!! If I'm going to have to work I at least want to do something I enjoy. So I'll keep a positive attitude & hope for the best. I've really been thinking lately that I might like to go back to school & get an RN degree so that I could help other people in their quest to overcome obesity. Either that or become an aesthetician. But economically speaking, now doesn't seem like the greatest time to go into that field.
Speaking of positive, it's been really interesting to see how differently people treat you when you're not obese. Men open doors for me now. Women smile at me & talk to me. Some men even tell me how pretty I am, just out of the clear blue. On one hand it's really exhilarating, but on the other hand it makes it so evident that I don't get that from Greg & that makes me angry. I don't understand why I can't hear those things from the one human I want to hear them from. That's been a real sore spot for me lately & I'm not sure how to resolve it. I guess more time punching those lights at the gym, for now.
Anyway, life is really, really, really good. I'm happy, healthy & hopeful for the future. I look forward to what life has in store next, with the knowledge that I can handle it so much better now. I thank God every day for the opportunity to live life again. Maybe that was His plan, that now I can appreciate it all so much more. And I know I have friends and family that love me, but more importantly, I'm starting to love myself for the first time in my life. And that changes everything!!!!!
Feb 12, 2008