lrouda

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Hi!

It has been some time since I have written anything.  So much has been going on and a lot not for the better.  Work is crazy and I realize that I am in a no-win situation.  I need to accept that.  I just feel so bad for my staff.  I have also come to realize that the very first impressions I had of my manager some 8 years ago are dead on.  I tried very hard to change a bad relationship with her to something that was beneficial for us both.  After returning from surgery, although she put on the airs of being supporting, I realize she has held my time away from the office against me.  Someone that I thought was a friend here at work and who I am forced to work closely with has turned out to be a back stabber.  I feel so all alone here at work and I have no one to talk to that can help this situation.  Well, I guess that means I need to look out for me and take the step necessary to move on.  I guess I will never go very far in the business world as I can not step all over people to get what I want.  Games are not the way I operate but I will need to play along until I can get out.  I can't afford to lose my cool or my head as I have too many obligations.

Well, the home life is not that much better.  My brother is on my last nerve.  He has lied and caused so much tension in my house that I need to kick him out.  He has his issues and I know he is hurting from the loss of his child 7 weeks ago but that does not give him a free pass to disrupt everyone else's life especially since I am the one who has fully supported him the last 11 years.  He is 32 soon to be 33.  It is time for him to take responsibility for his life and stop making his problems everyone else's problems.

On the weight loss front, I am down 72 pounds since surgery and 117 from my highest weight.  That is about the only thing going right at this point.  Frankly, I don;t know how that is working because, although my portions are small, I have not necessarily been making the best choices.  I have not really done any exercising other than some occasional walking.  I was in a car accident January 2008 and I am having issues with the injuries.  In addition I hurt my arm at work last week so I reel like I am a mess and in a rut.

I need to get out an socialize with people but I can;t find the ambition.  I need to get away from family and work and spend time with me.  I know I need that but I just can't seem to act on it.  Well, tomorrow is another day.  Maybe things will look up.  I hope so because I am about to spend 3 days at a conference with my manager and the back stabber so forgive me for not being optimistic.

Bye for now.
Lynn

OK, so I am now 10 weeks out.  I am down a total of 49 pounds.  That is the largest weight loss I have ever had in my life.

This success has been marred by sadness.  My brother and his girlfriend were expecting their second child.  Her due date was today.  Unfortunately, Little Liam will not join us.  You see he was still born Sunday evening.  Such a beautiful little boy.  He looked just like an angel.  I must keep faith and find comfort in that he is in Heaven looking down on us.

I can't help but feeling guilty.  You see early in the pregnancy there was concern that the baby would be born with Down Syndrome.  Considering the situation of my brother and his girlfriend I honestly did not think that they could handle a special needs child emotionally and certainly not financially.  So I prayed that if this child were to have special needs that God take him and spare my brother and his girlfriend heartache.  Well as the pregnancy progressed, the concerns subsided.  My prayers then changed that the child be healthy and happy.  But in both cases I prayed that God's will be done.

I still can't help feeling guilty especially seeing the anguish in my brother's face.  I think it would have been much easier if it were a miscarriage but the child was born and never took a breath.  I held the child.  He was so blue and so cold.  In my mind I know that in this situation this is normal but I still couldn't help but thinking we need to warm him up and he needs to breath.

I just feel like there is a hole in my heart.  I know time will help the wounds heal especially if I keep my faith.  However, I don't think I will really overcome the loss.  I keep seeing Liam's angelic face.

I have not really been paying attention to my protein or water in-take and right now I don't care.  I know I need to get over this because if I give up I will have put myself through all of this for nothing.  I keep saying I want to be healthy and I know this include mentally as well.  I am just not yet ready to move on.  The funeral is Thursday so maybe I can put it all behind me then.

Things now seem to be back on track.  I have lost 5 pounds since last week.  That is a total of 45 pounds since surgery.  I never thought I could do it. 

I have to find motivation to keep active.  I started walking fairly regularly for about 45 minutes daily.  It seems like the last few days all I have been doing is about 10 minutes.  I have put a picture from high-school on  my desk at work and on the refrigerator at home.  That picture represents what I strive to look like.  I would think that would be motivation enough.  The weather lately has been so hot and humid and I am so swollen that it has been painful to move.

I really want to join a gym.  I keep saying I will do so in September after my department's Community Meeting.  This is a 4-day meeting that requires attendance from 7:30 AM through the evening meal and activity.  The days will be about 15 hours long.  The hotel we will be having this meeting at does have a fitness center and an outdoor pool.  I plan to take advantage of both.  The meeting is from August 31 - September 3.  I just don't know if it is worth taking on a gym membership prior to the end of the meeting.

Work is stressful and we expect some changes to be announced at the Community Meeting.  My manager has just approached me with a possible opportunity to stretch in another direction.  She has asked if I might be interested, if the opportunity arises, to work with the benefits group to analyze plans.  Analytics is where I excel so I am interested.  Additionally, I am one of the leads for my group related to two vendors we work with:  one has the responsibility for the majority of our HR functions.  The other, provides a software application used for absence tracking.  Currently we are involved in exploring other companies to provide absence tracking software.  This has been a tedious process.  I am also studying for a professional certification.  I just hope I am not biting off more than I can chew.

I really won't say much about the home life other than it is crazy right now.  My brother's girlfriend is expecting their second child and neither is working.  I am just trying to work on disassociating myself from their problems.  This is hard when he is still living in my house and she live in her parent's house.  All of the bickering finds its way to my front door.  I don't know, I look at them and ask myself if I was really that immature at 30 (her age) and 32 (his age).  It seems so sad to me that their 4-year old son seems to have more sense then both of the parents combined.

I guess that is what this journey is about - truly finding myself and getting rid of the excess baggage physically and emotionally.  I look forward to another successful week and another week of discovering who I am.

Lynn

Well, today is 8 weeks post op.  What a disappointment this morning when I got on the scale.  I have not lost one ounce since last week.  The bright side is that I did not gain anything.

During this short journey I feel like I two set backs.  Week three I lost only 3 pounds after two week of losing 12 pounds plus.  I got over that.  I think today is a set-back because I feel like I was following my doctor's guidelines to a 'T.'   I even increased my exercise level from 10 minutes a day a couple days a week to 30 minutes of walking daily.

People are noticing the weight loss so that is a positive.  The other positive is that I do feel much better.  The negative is that people I think should be making comments (or maybe I wish were noticing) are not.  I tried to keep my decision to have surgery as quiet as possible in the work place.  Low and behold, I came back 3 weeks ago to find out everyone knows why I was out.  I think that has been bothering me more than I want to admit.

The food issues have subsided over the last week.  That is another positive.  I am managing to get my 60 grams of protein in and to take all of my vitamins and supplements.  I have not yet noticed any hair loss but I have noticed that my nails are growing very quickly.  I just wish they were stronger.  I still only seem to be able to tolerate 4 -5 ounces at a meal.  I am trying to eat 5 -6 times a day and I am taking in protein at every meal.  When looking at caloric in-take, I have not managed to break 800 calories.  I don't know if that is good or bad.  When I met with the nutritionist last week, she said that she was hearing from me that I am continuing to look at food in-take as a meal.  She also stated that I need to change my thinking to look at food in terms of survival.  She told me that RNY patients don't rely on fruit and veggies for fibre.  Listening to her seemed like a contradiction to the guidelines as it states in the literature that this is when we should be learning to eat a balanced diet.

Bowel movements are still a major issue.  I am taking stool softeners daily.  Yet, every third day or so I still need to take a laxative.  I am getting most of my water in.  I am getting about 6 8-oz. glasses in a day and then usually 16 oz. of homemade decaffeinated sugar-free tea per day (sometime it is hot but mostly iced).

I guess I got to give this a few more weeks before getting discouraged.  I'll check in again next week (maybe sooner if I need to vent or need help).

I am currently 7 weeks out from surgery and down 40 pounds.  I feel terrific most of the time.  Every couple days I do have 'food issues.'  However, I firmly believe that I made the right decision.

I am getting about 48 ounces of water daily but getting another 2 glasses of fluid from other sources such as protein drinks and homemade sugar free decaffeinated tea.  I miss drinking something with a meal but I have not taken anything with meals.  I'll get used to it.

I find that I am sleeping much better at night.  I guess my biggest issue right now is staying motivated to keep moving.  I do walk daily but I know I need more.  I am hoping that at my follow up with the physician tomorrow I will get the OK to join a gym.  At my last visit they told me to give myself time.  It just seems like the more time I give myself the less motivated I am to move.  Oh well, I guess this too will pass.

As I stated above, I know this was the best decision for me.  I now need to work on getting things right in my head but I know with each passing day I am healthier than the day before.  For that I am grateful and I owe it all to to my surgeon, his staff and the support system I have in place.

For those of you who may read this and have not yet gone through surgery I can emphasize enough the importance of a strong support system, before, during and ongoing after surgery.  Also, don't take lightly the importance of the psychological consult.  I found it to be one of the most useful tools in my decision.

Bye for now.

Lynn

I have been having difficulty with food lately.  I am at the pureed/soft food stage.  Based on the information provided by my physician's office I should be able to take in about 8 oz per meal. 

I can't.  I am not so concerned with that as much as I am the fact that for the last three consecutive days I have bee throwing up.  I am not sure why.  I don't eat and drink at the same time.  I make sure it has been a minimum 30 minutes from the time I drank my last sip til I take in food.  As state previously all foods are soft or pureed.  Regardless of texture I am chewing a minimum of 40 times so that everything is the consistency of liquid in my mouth.  It takes me a minimum of 45 minutes to eat a meal and my meals average 4 ounces.  when I am through eating, it is at least 45 to 60 minutes before I start drinking anything.

What I am finding is that things feel like they are not passing through and a I get pain at the top of my stomach.  If it is just a slight twinge then I am usually OK.  If it is like a stabbing pain, I know I am going to throw up.  Today for my second meal I had about 5 ounces of soup.  I threw this up over the course of 2 hours.  Yesterday it was a plain baked potato and Wednesday it was veal.  OK, with the veal and the potato I thought it was just due to the fact they were new foods.  But the soup, I have been eating soup since the surgery.

I have been drinking mostly water (I have had some Crystal Light and decafinated homemade unsweeted iced tea) and with the time constraints regarding drinking I am finding it difficult to get in more than about 40 ounces in daily.  Has anyone had the same thing happen?  If so, what did you do?

I'd appreciate any suggestions as I really need this to work and I am getting a little down.

Lynn

Hi Everyone:

It has been five weeks since my surgery and just as long since I have been on this site.  That I must apologize for.  Seems like my Internet connection at home has gotten messed up and since my computer is in my basement where there is no AC I have been too lazy to call my provider to have it fixed.  I am back at work now so I promise not to be a stranger.

Anyway for an update:  I am down 33 pounds and feeling terrific.  I teeter between soft foods and those that are pureed.  I did have some issues the first time I took in chicken.  I think the issue was that I tried to take in too much protein at one time.  I have to admit, when first starting on food I found things to be confusing.  When I stepped back, relaxed, and realized that things come in time I found myself to be less stressed.

Following the instructions set fourth by my surgical team, I should be able to take in about 8 ounces per meal.  Most times I can only do about 4 -5 ounces.  On a rare occasion six.  I have decided to follow the biggest piece of advice put out by the surgical team though, that is don't force one more bite.  Once I am full I stop eating and I am usually good until right before my next scheduled time to eat.  By the way, I am doing six meals per day.  I can't get over how little food satisfies me now when I look at the portions I ate previously.  The really strange thing is that I was so disillusioned that I really did not think I ate that much with all things considered.  Don't get me wrong, I was fully aware that I ate way more than my share of certain foods but on the whole I thought I ate average portions.

Well enough about that, regarding the surgery itself, it want very well.  I was up with my feet on the floor by mid-might after surgery.  Initially I was scheduled for 9:00 AM but there were complications in the OR where my procedure was to be performed and I was not taken in until 1:40 or 1:50 PM.  I had some nausea so they took me off the morphine and put me on dilauted (no t sire of selling).  I still had nausea.  Once they took me off the pain meds I was fine.  I never even used anything for pain at home.  I have be pretty mobile since surgery.  Walking around the hospital as soon as the cath. was removed.  That was the most uncomfortable part of the procedure and such a relief when gone.

As of today, I was in the morning and in the evening.  I guess the total is about 20 minutes.  When the weather is bad I use a stationary bike.  I am off all meds including those for GURD and migraine therapy.  I have a follow-up with the surgeon next week after which I hope he give me the OK to join a gym.  I am looking forward to water aerobics.

Right now I have a positive outlook and I would say this was the best thing I could do for myself.  If was five years in the making but the time was right.

Bye for now,
Lynn

Well, here we go again.  I have 6 days til my procedure.  I am scared and excited.  It became reality for me when I was sitting in the recovery room on Monday afternoon. 

That's right, I haven't posted an update.  The last time I wrote I stated I was bummed as my procedure was postponed.  At my cardiac clearance appointment the doctor suggested that I have a temporary green filter implanted due to my weight and the fact that I had an accident last year where the diagnosis was inconclusive for a blood clot or infection in my left leg.  Dr. Wernsing, my surgeon thought it best that I be seen by the vascular guys before having the filter implanted.  He just didn't want me to have an unnecessary procedure.

Anyway, on June 2 I had my appointment and an ultra sound was done on my legs.  Although there was no evidence of blood clots they did discover that I have venous reflux.  This is a condition that causes swelling in the legs as the veins in the legs don't pump the blood back to the heart quite like they should.  It was decided that the implant was a good idea in my case.  I had the implant on Monday June 8.  I hope to have it removed on or about July 8.

Anyway, when this is done the implant is usually the day before WLS.  But the doctor is out of town next week so it was done a week early.  Looking forward to June 16 getting here so I can have my surgery an begin my new life.  I have started a liquid diet (recommended but not required by my surgeon) for most of the day with only a small dinner.  This weekend I will start all liquid.  With regard to the one meal I am eating I am trying to eat all my protein first.

Still I have no reservations about the procedure.  I do have anxiety about the after.  My biggest immediate fear is coming home with pain meds.  I live with someone who is in recovery for substance abuse.    My next biggest concern is the attention as my body starts to change.  I am a very private person and I know so many who will try to sabotage my attempts.  For that reason i have not told many people.  Secondly, I have never been one who wanted to be in the spotlight.  Every time I tried to lose weight in the past and someone gave me a compliment I put the weight back on.  I have started to put support in place.  In addition to the monthly support group through the Bariatric program I have joined OA, Over eaters Anonymous.  But I still have my fears.

Despite my fears about attention etc. I know that I am ready for this process.  If I don't do it I will be dead that is almost a guarantee.  Filter implanted so there is not going back now.

To all of those who have already had WLS - Congrats on your decision and wishing you much success.  I will be with you soon.

For those who are thinking about WLS, do all the research you can, attend support meetings and seek out info sessions.  This is a personal decision and one that should not be made lightly.  Best of luck whatever you decide.

Talk to you all soon.

Lynn

Went to my surgeon yesterday for my pre-op visit.  I discussed the recommendation of the cardiologist of implanting an IVC filter before surgery due to some issues I had last year where it was unclear as to whether or not I had a blood clot or infection as a result of a fall from a bike.

Anyway, my doctor had no opinion one way or the other.  He stated that to ensure this was a necessary procedure he wanted be to have a vascular consult.  Since the vascular group was in the same building as his office and the implant procedure was scheduled for May 22 he called to see if they would see me yesterday or today.  Well that failed.  The soonest I can get an appointment is June 2.  Therefore, my surgery has been rescheduled for June 16.

I understand the reason for the postponement and I was actually OK with it yesterday.  Today, however, I am really bummed out.  I had put into place so many thing to ensure coverage at work and I had myself psyched for this happening in the next few days.  Now it is all on hold. 

I have not shared this with many people, especially, at work.  I find out today the most obnoxious person in my office know why I am going out.  This is the type of person that has to one up everyone.  As a VP in our area stated, if someone had an uncle with no limbs this person would find someone he know that has no limbs and is missing a torso.  His comment to me was that he has a friend that is a Geriatric Nutritionist and he finds the whole process 'NEAT.'

I want to strangle him as it was addressed publicly from my desk.  Talk about wanting to cry.  What I really want to know is who told him!  The only people I shared with are my direct manager, the person who co-manages the team with me (she happens to be a good friend and she will be the contact person during my absence) and a person from another site who has had Lap Banding.  I know my direct manager has told her manager, who is a doctor.  I wonder if this is where Mr. Obnoxious heard it from since he reports to the same person my manage reports to and we were all out to dinner Tuesday evening?  I drove to the restaurant as I have my pre-op testing done earlier in the day.  Mr. Obnoxious walked two and from the restaurant with his manager and the global VP for our department.

Can anyone offer advice that will keep me from exploding?

OK, I have less than 2 weeks until surgery, 11 days to be exact.  I have all of these emotions going through my mind and I can't even identify them.  I feel a little blue but I am absolute about my decision.  I know it is the right decision.  I think a lot of what is going on is the anticipation of what come next.

I am going to start a liquid diet in a few days.  This is a recommendation but not a requirement.  They suggest this so that one can begin to shrink the liver and to prepare for after surgery.  I am the type that has to prepare, prepare, and prepare some more.  I always try to anticipate every scenario even though I know that is impossible.

I am worried about whether or not I have everything in place at work so things will run smoothly while I am out.  There is a big project that will begin shortly after my return and I just have visions of my first day back in the office and one the Business Analyst from the UK being planted at my desk upon my arrival.  I know I am putting a lot of this anxiety on myself.  I am just having difficulty putting it in perspective.

I have been doing so much research about the procedure and life after that I think I am just over loading myself with knowledge.  I guess it is just part of my genetic make up.  I can't help but to wonder what I will miss when I am out of the office and whether or not I will walk back into a disaster.  If I do I will handle it.

My parents live with me an they too are obese.  I wonder how the changes that will occur with me will impact them.  I have a younger brother who also lives in my house.  He is part of a 12-step recovery program and I wonder if my medications that I may need to take will be a trigger for him.  I know I have no control over his actions but at the same time I don't want to be a catalyst either.

I have a dog that I got about a month ago.  He is great.  When introduced to new people he was fine.  He has become so protective of my father and me.  My father is home all day with him.  Now it seems like anytime someone goes near my father the dog snaps.  I can't have him snapping at anyone who enters the house but at the same time I can't send the dog back as I am much too attached to him.  Maybe obedience school is the answer.  That will have to wait  until after surgery.  In the mean time I think I may need to get a muzzle for him even though that will hurt me to restrict him in that manner.  All in all, he is a good dog.  He is funny and energetic and a major source of happiness for me.  He has really done wonder for my father's disposition.

I just feel like there is too much going on and I wonder if I am equipped to handle it all.