Lucy1972
Another update--post op
Oct 12, 2007
Surgery/Hospital
Oct 12, 2007
MY LIFE STORY...
Sep 25, 2007
First of all thank you for taking the time to read this!!! I tried to be brief, but its long!! LOL... I wanted to share this first of all because I know in my heart I am supposed to, secondly, I want you to know where I am coming from, who I am and what got me here!! Since I am doing these mini-teachings I believe its important to know about the person who is giving them! At least I would want to know! LOL.
Growing up, was by no means, easy! My family never went to church. In fact, my dad was involved in the occult and witchcraft. He actually started the year I was born. When he did this, I believe, it opened the doors to Satan to create chaos, destruction and pain in my family! My parents fought constantly, 2 of my brothers tried to commit suicide (did not succeed, thank you Jesus!) and one them ended becoming a drug dealer who would steal from my parents and was in trouble with the law. I was sexually abused as a child by one of them and was pretty much emotionally on my own. I had to grow up (emotionally) fast because I felt at the time that I was the only one watching out for ME!! I gave myself the message that no one could be trusted or depended on and I withdrew into myself and built up walls so no one could get in!! I grew up in fear and shame for what was happening. My brother moved out and the abuse stopped. It was after this that I actually began to be attracted to the occult and became fascinated by what my dad was doing. But it stopped "suddenly". My dad says that he wasn't against God (he felt this way) but that he was trying to get more power for himself. One day he bought me a Elvis Gospel Record. I had not heard much of anything about God (only a curiosity to go to a church) The one song I would play over and over again was "You'll never walk alone". This was my first "encounter" with hearing anything about God . I played that over and over. It was not long after this at around 10 years old, I was molested again by a stranger. I immediately reacted by not saying anything to anyone because I was in total fear of retribution on my life and didn't know what my family would think. I believe I thought they would have hated me for it! After this, my parents decided to get divorced and the process for all of us was miserable. One weekend, my mom took my sister and I to New York to visit my great uncle. My dad came out a few days later and was happy!! It was then that we found out he excepted Jesus into his heart!! Two weeks later, he took my mom to a pastor than she got saved! On down the line to me (my sister has remained stubborn about this and we are praying for her salvation)!! My parents reconciled and cancelled their divorce!
About a year after my parents were saved, on Halloween 1984, I was at my church's youth group and they had a christian movie night and ministry as well. I was under strong conviction by the Holy Spirit that night to except Jesus into my heart!! I was uncomfortable and uneasy, I had to do something. When my parents picked me up, we went home and I told tham (crying) that I wanted prayer!! They prayed with me to except Jesus into my heart, I asked him for forgiveness of my sins and invited him into my life!! That night I went to sleep for the first time in my life, at peace. I had immediately felt him in my life. I woke up in such a peaceful state that I didn't want to go to school or anything!! I knew I had made the right decision. About six months after this I was baptised in the Holy Spirit and then I was baptised with water! I was doing really good until I was about 14. I began to look at my past situation and all the pain, anger, resentment, everything that had been smoldering inside me, decided to seep out. I became rebellious in my thoughts and actions. I was so unhappy and I didn't understand how to handle it!! So the only thing I knew (yes I was praying, but I wasn't listening!!) to do was to run away. I was having terrible arguements with my sister and parents and after 2 previous attempts to run away, the third time I almost suceeded! I ended up across the town hiding at a friends house. Thank God her mother knew I was in a bad place and called my parents!! They came and picked me up. Of course they were crying, upset, asking me "do you want the police to come and take you away from us??" They knew of the first issue of abuse and my mom kept asking me if this had anything to do this and such, which I never would admit. There was a lot of anger between my dad and brother and this was being brought up frequently!! So I decided that night I wasn't going to run away anymore, I needed to get back on track!!
A few weeks after this, a freind invited me to a christian rock concert. At first I thought it was going to be a choir singing or something like that. I thought "why not, what else could happen??" That night changed my life forever. The band was Mylon LeFevre and Broken heart. It wasn't your ordinary concert. They played loud music and everything and then gave an alter call to except Jesus or to return to him if you had fallen away from him. I went down and prayed. I knew it was my time to do this!! I also know this night I was called into the ministry!! Not long after this I began to minister, as a teenager, to the youth in my group and school. I also joined a band and we would sing and evangelise or minister to the lost!! I preached for the first time when I was 14!! I also would speak at church and went on missions trips! I was very active in the church and wanted to do everything I could to serve the Lord and to help others find the truth!
Then...one of my good male friends attemped to sexually assault me and I freaked out!! First shocked by this person's actions and couldn't understand why? Secondly the thought kept going through my mind, "Why me?? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Do what you want to??"" I was devistated, scared and not sure what to do. You see it happened during a church outing at the camp we would go to. I ended up leaving early and hitched a ride with my youth pastor, but the whole time I was terrified. I never told anyone and I felt ashamed because of it and not saying anything to anyone about it. (I did speak with him shortly after this and he appologized and such). I stuffed it inside and went on with my life. (Later on, I realized that at each emotional stage growing up, Satan was trying to destroy me emotinally, so that I could not do what God has called me to do!!)
I ended up graduating from highschool and went to Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, OK. I majored in Theology: Evagelism and minored in Pastoral care and Counseling and Mass media communications. During this time I did go through counseling ( I have gone through counseling during 2 seperate times in my life, at the Lord's leading, afterall he knows how much and when we can handle it!!) and was very involved in the ministry as well. I was a chaplain on the floor I lived on and God would bring many hurting young women who Had been abused, hurt, neglected and such and the Lord would minister to them through me! I have been involved in several youth ministries and women's minstries since graduating and I also got my degree in Nursing when I returned to MN. These two degrees have been an excellent combo for me!! Currently I am working as a nurse, I go to a Living Word Chrisitan center and do ocassional ministeril things for them. I have been helping my dad who has been having health issues and is getting better Praise God!! I expect next fall to be moving out of state to either the southeast or south. I know that this surgery is a stepping stone for me and That I am planning on going forth in the ministry he wants me to be in, maybe even fulltime!!
Some of you maybe asking, "Did I forgive the people who abused me??" Absolutely!! I had to!! For one thing, God says in His word, we have to forgive. Secondly, I wanted to do it!! Not forgiving equals being entrapped or enslaved to that person or situation. In all honesty, not forgiving keeps you in bondage and forgiving sets you free!! Those people were no longer doing things to me and yet, they and the situations were still affecting me. They had no clue this was happening!! I did confront my brother, but the other 2 are no longer in my life. However, I truely have forgiven these people. I choose to not be involved with my brother's life that much, but that is the decision I have made. Thank God he eventually got saved and is doing well with his life!! One thing I need to add here is that , this was a long process, I didn't just decide over night to do this, but for me, I had to deal with a lot of things surrounding this issue and then I knew when I was ready to forgive! I also had the help of a counselor and confronted my brother when the time was right for me!! God knew when it was!!
My past (and Jesus) has made me who I am. Its because of my past that Jesus is able to minister to others through me and I can understand those who have been in similar situations. HOWEVER, my past does not control me!! Would I change it?? NOPE. If you would have asked me this 5 years ago, maybe I would have answered differently. But the truth is that God knows the right timing of things and He knew when and how long it would take for me to get to this point!! You see, my weight issues, are a direct result of my past!! I know this for a fact because God showed me. I was using my weight as a means of protection from men and to also keep people out. My food issue was a way to create this and to cope with my life, this was estaablished as a child. This surgery, has a huge spiritual signficance because once I lose the weight, it can no longer control me!! Even the psych dr I saw for the approval for surgery absolutely agreed with this!!! It is the last physical reminder of my past and I want it gone!!!! AMEN!!! My desire is to serve God with all my heart and my life!! I want to become the women he wants me to be!! I want to become the women of God my future husband desires (don't know who it is yet, lol). I want to be the best I can be because I love HIM, Jesus so much!! He is my best friend and my life!!! Without him, I would be dead. I chose life, I chose Him!!
I encourage all of you to be open to what he has for you, to not take this surgery or opportunity lightly, God wants to do some amazing things, all He asks is that you surrender all of your life to him! Let him heal you, deliver you and set you free!!! All you have to do is ask (He is standing at the door to your heart knocking, will you let him in?) I say this with all sincerity, that we are not here by accident. That God saw this and planned for each one of us to be here at the exact same time!! He wants to bless you and give you His best!!! I am praying for all of you that you would seek after him and get to know him!! He loves you sooo much!! Again, Sorry this is soooo long. This was as brief as I could make it and this was only half of it!! If you ever need to talk, or need prayer or anything, please feel free to PM me and I can give you a direct email address or even my cell phone number!!
Thanks agian for allowing me to share this with you!!!
I love you all!
Hugs,
Lucy
Emotions gone wild!!
Sep 24, 2007
No one can ever really explain how emotional this process is!!! I am a week away from my surgery and I wouldn't say my nerves are getting to me, but more of.......What if the changes I want to happen, don't and all I am stuck with is less weight, loss of an important coping mechanism and I am in the same spot!! I need to have a long talk with Jesus!!! I know that I can't go on this way anymore. Something HAS to change. My life HAS to change!! I don't want to waste another moment living this way. I have taken many side trips in my life and I have finally gotten to the place where I really want to be in ministry completely!! But the "what ifs..." keep popping in my head and I think thats more harder to handle than actually being nervous about the surgery or the actual physical changes that I have to make (even though these are important)!! Mind games are evil!!! I had a situation come up today and it really upset me!! I wasn't expecting it so I obviously wasn't prepared and it got to me. At the time, I couldn't deal with it, all I could do was pray and pray to myself. After this I was able to calm down and have a fun evening. But then I came home and I just cried and prayed. I knew keeping it in would be damaging to me and Jesus is the only one who could help me. I am better now and it in Jesus hands!! I trust him to take care of it because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it!!! He is the love of my life!! I trust him to take care of it. The good news is that I have noticed that I didn't run out to the kitchen and get food and I didn't hold it in. So I think I handled it well!! My emotions are running wild!! Sorry I needed to vent a bit!! No one in my family has had WLS, so none of them can comprehend what I am going through!! I really can't discuss this with them, I can try, but they don't get it! There are lot more things I am feeling but would rather not write about them because I know whats going on and I don't need to give myself over to my emotions, but to Jesus!! The point to my rambling is that I have had several people tell me how emotional of a journey this is before AND after, words cannot describe the emotional journey that is taking place!! Jesus is my source and salvation and I just need to keep going to him throughout this, afterall I refuse to let my emotions run wild and control ME!! Thank you Jesus!!!
I have a Date!!!! Its getting very close!!!
Sep 09, 2007
Sorry, I meant to post this sooner, but I have been busy or should I say trying to stay busy, lol. I met with Dr. Jeff Baker on Sept. 4. He is a very nice and personable surgeon. I felt very comfortable speaking with him and hearing his surgical technique. He said that after he staples/cuts the areas he goes back and physically sutures the areas, which he says the other 2 surgeons in the clinic do NOT do. This really helped me to feel comfortable. He was very happy to hear that I had already lost 11 pounds and wants me to keep losing. He thinks it would be great if I got down to 230 (3-4 more pounds). However, he was very happy I had already met my pre-op goal wt loss.
Soooo my surgery date is.............October 2, 2007 at 07:30am!
I am really excited, nervous, worried, happy, relieved....all at the same time!! My distraction has been my parents 50th wedding anniversary party on Sept. 23. My sister and I are giving this for them. This has been a little stressful as my sister and I have different personailites, styles etc... But this has helped me to not focus so much on the surgery. However, I need to start addressing surgery issues and such. I have some books on emotional eating I will start reading. Soon I will also start music therapy too.
So my life is about to take a dramatic turn!!! WooHoo, its about time! I have soo needed this to be done! Its time I start taking care of me, I have been neglectful of myself on account of helping everyone else.
Now is my time!!!
I AM APPROVED!!!
Aug 22, 2007
Yesterday I called my insurance company (medica) and they told me they hadn't received anything yet. So when the surgeon's office called me today and told me that I got my approval, I was shocked. Kris from Dr. Jeff's office said that this was the fastest approval she has ever seen. She also told me she was in shock. She wanted to tell me right away because she knew I was waiting. (I had heard at the beginning that medica was treating this as a general surgery according to my employers contract with them, see previous posts for more explanation, but still wasn't quite sure this was case, seeing how insurance companies are) So I made my appt for Sept. 4th at 2:30pm to meet Dr. Jeff and to get my surgery date. I am so excited and I feel all kinds of emotions, like this is really going to happen now!!
I want to encourage anyone out there who is beginning this process or waiting on approval or appealing a decision to NOT quit or give up on this when you feel discouraged with any part of this process. God's timing is everything and sometimes we don't understand why certain steps may take longer than others or why surgery dates are changed. He knows exactly what the best time is for each one of us to get this surgery. He also knows which surgeon is the best too for each one of us (for those who have had to change surgeons). I have also learned some things about myself I didn't know before and I am addressing those things now and I figure better to deal now than after surgery. So as much as I HATE waiting and things dragging out, I know it has its purpose!!
Thanks everyone for your support and prayers through this. With your help and God's help, I made it through!!! You are also in my prayers!!
Pysch eval done!!
Aug 08, 2007
More hurdles done...
Jul 25, 2007
I thought I would update a few hurdles I have accomplished since my last update.
1) I had my dietician appt. It went really well. She put me on a 1200 cal. diet. I have to cut out caffiene and pop. I have to drink minimum of 64 ounces of fluid/water. No snacking in between meals. Excellent explaination of what each meal needs to contain. I can drink up until I eat, but then I have to wait 30-45 minutes after before I can drink again. Protien first. I need to chew my food 20-30 times with each bite of food and my meals need to last 20-30 minutes if possible. I am taking my vitamens already. SO I am on my way. It will take some time to eat slower, chew more and remember to not drink with my food. But I am wokring on this.
2) I had my sleep study done which was horrible. I hardly slept and I had a horribole migraine headache. My sinuses weer stuffed up and I was miserable. It took me a few days to recover from this. Last week I got the results and I have sleep deprivation and mild sleep apnea. I start my CPAP tonight, and this will take some time to get used to. But it counts as a comorbidity, along with my high blood pressure.
3) I had my first pysch. appt with Dr. Somers this week. I thought it went pretty smoothly. He asked all kinds of questions about my weight history, weight loss attempts, what led to my obesity and such. He was glad that I had dealt with some of my issues through prior counseling. So I am hopeful this will help me be approved. Then I took that AWFUL LONG 500+ question test (MMPI). Sheesh.........Hopefully this will turn out ok. I am pretty sure it will show some depression (well who isn't when you are morbidly obese??) and trust issues, but we will see. I have been working on this and other things this past year. So hopefully this won't prevent me from moving on. He did say He thought I would only need 2 appts. However, I think he was looking at his packet of questions and how far we had gotten. He said after my final appt (which hopefully will be the next) he would do his report and the clinic would receive it in about a week. Don't know how long it will take to do the report, but he says he is very good about getting the report in.
All in all it went well!
4) Finally on Monday I am going to My PCP to get my support letter and then I will turn this in as well as documentation that says my PCP is going to not treat my elevated TSH level and recheck in 6 months (T4 level was normal). I plan on turning this in next week.
Soooooo..........I am almost done. Submit my paperwork to the office and finish the psych stuff, than submission to insurance company!!
I also started going to Lifetime fitness and have an assesment appt this weekend, to get my exercise rolling!!
I am excited about this, but nervous too. I keep wondering what It will be like to be thin. I don't ever remember being "thin" or feeling thin. When I was 158 (after WW), my self esteem was great and I saw a thin person in the mirror. But how will I feel at my goal weight? I know I am expecting to be a changed/different person. I am also expecting to make some major decisions about my life at this time (career, location etc). So I am excited to see how everything will turn out.
Well thats enough for now, I think I have babbled on and on. But time has flown by and I can't believe I am almost at the point of insurance submission!! Thank you GOD!!!
Work...Ugh!
Jun 14, 2007
Work Work Work....What can I say. Right now it is my biggest stressor, frustration and problem. I love taking care of cancer patients. I feel where I am now, we don't seem to get too many and I feel like I am where I was when I first became a nurse. I am very grateful for the first year of my nursing career because I learned a lot and it gave me a good base knowledge to work off of. However I finally discovered what I enjoyed and specialized in oncology. Yes its a hard area to work in but I enjoy the patients and families I work with. Well I came back to MN for family reasons and returned to the hospital I started off at. Now I am not using the specialty skills I was trained in. I am missing this. Not the hard stressful work, but the patient population. I am floundering as to what to do. This past week as been beyond stressful. I have cried twice upon leaving work. I am considering very strongly going to another department within the hospital. I can't take the stress anymore and as far as the money goes, its not worth the stress. I am not about to walk out the door or anything, but I need a change. I am going away next week for a few days and I am going to think and pray about this. If I decide to do this, i wll begin to look. I love oncology, I don' like the stress. So we will see. I thought I would share the issue that has been in front of me for a long time and I have to do something about it soon.
Insurance.... to be or not to be??
Jun 14, 2007
Ok.......so this person went and researched this and WAITED until he could get the actual contract in his hands and looked into it, and called me back today!!!!! He apologized for waiting so long to get back to me, but wanted to tell me that my employer chose to opt out of the centers of excellence requirement. So how does this affect me?? He said that Medica will treat this like any other surgery and that all I have to do is go to a surgeon, the office will contact Medica, give them the authorization and BAMB I can have my surgery. I don't have to go through any hoops, because they consider it a regular surgery. The only hoops I have to go through is what the center requires. He said that would be my choice where I want to go, they recommend the centers of excellence because of the success rate, but as far as they are concerned its a regular surgery!! He even noted my account and said all anyone has to do is look at the contract and its there!
Well I called my clinic to have them verify this if this is true. Not to thrilled with the insurance gal. She isn't very nice on the phone. I hope this isn't how its going to be dealing with them. Anyways, I spoke with Sandy, my nurse clincian yesterday and today. And it sounds like Medica is changing their minds as far as what they want me to do. I mean, they will cover the surgery, but I need prior authorization and that is where the confusion lies. Do I have to do all the requirements for the prior authorization or not?? One says yes, one says no. Its frustrating and I am only beginning this process. Well I am going to get everything checked out anyways.
I went to the doctor today and he was very helpful. I have bloodwork tomorrow morning to be done which will show me where all my levels are at. I have a sleep study on June 29th. I have my psych eval in August, but I may call some other offices and see how soon I can get in. My BP today was 136/92. HR was 105. So I officially have hypertension and I am on BP meds now. Sandy RN did also say that I may not need to go on the 3 month required diet, hopefully she will verify this for me soon.
I think the frustrating thing for me is that I work in healthcare and its hard for me to be A patient and to BE patient. I know how things work on both sides and when I see something that could be done myself quicker and I can't do anything about it because I am the patient. Its frustrating!!! I hope I can get through this process without throwing in the towel. I am generally patient with things, but this is in healthcare. More challenging.
Hopefully I will have surgery this fall! I was hoping September, but not sure if this will happen. It maybe in October or November.
All I can do is enjoy this summer and appreciate each day I am alive!
