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ROLL OF FOOD AND CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE:

 

The role of food has played in my life has dominated most every thought and decision since I was around the age of 9.  My dad made eating a big deal as did my grandma and mom.  We had to eat everything on our plate and in fact it wasn’t until I was 15 that I was told that I could stop eating when I was full and that I didn’t have to feel guilty about leaving food.  I was told that by a good friend and it seemed at the time the craziest thing I had ever heard.  It took a lot of practice breaking that habit. 

My parents had a very bad marriage and I was abused growing up.  I used food for control; it felt the only thing I could control was whether or not I ate. I also used gaining wt as a weapon against my family because I knew how much they hated me being fat. It was a way for me to get back at them and so I used it as a weapon.  I began to “sneak” eat when I was 11.  My dad would find out he would get mad and call me names.  He was very physically, emotionally, sexually, abusive during my childhood.  Food comforted me and never once said a bad word to me, it just was there and I found I liked that very much. 

For some reason my grandma was always putting me one diets.  All my family has problems with wt.  I had just always assumed I was a fat kid.  When I look back at pictures now, I was a fairly normal sized kid until around 14, with the exception of wt gain off and on.  I also started menstruating at the age of 9 so that could have had a lot to do with my wt.  From the time I was 14 till now I have lost and gained about 100lbs a few times.  In the last 6 years it has been mostly gain. 

I could blame my parents for being heavy but after the age of 18 it is, I have accepted, my responsibility to manage my life and eating.  So if I track my wt gains and losses since I was 9 the wt gain is from life stresses and feeling out of control.  The losses have been at times when either I didn’t have hardly any money to spend on food or I was generally contented with my life and it was definitely before I was married.  Something about being married and in a long term relationship causes me to gain wt.  Before my husband I was in a two yr relationship and gained 100 lbs.  After he broke it off with me I lost 80 lbs.  When I got into my current relationship I gained over 100 lbs in the first year and a half.  We have been together for 7 years.

Relationships in my family have always been a source of stress so I think something must trigger in my brain when I enter into a relationship.  Stress = eating = gaining = depression and so the cycle runs.  My marriage is actually very content and calm and good.  For the first few years, 5 years, we had a very hard time with money, sex, life…..growing up.  That is when the wt started to pack on.  Now I have just gotten to the point where I have so much wt to lose I hardly know where to begin.  Well that’s not true because I have begun with the RNY program.

 

 

 

 

THE EFFECTS OF BEING OBESE:

In the last 2 years my wt has begun to affect everything about my life.  I had to quit my job to move and have not been back to work.  At first I didn’t get a job because of transportation issues then it turned into I couldn’t be on my feet for that long.  It made my whole body hurt.  I got hired on doing what I have always done, caregiving, just a few months ago.  I spent 8 hrs training on my feet and then walked home and spent the next hour crying.  I could not do it and I was horrified and embarrassed.  I had no idea that my wt had gotten that out of control.  It was very humiliating.  I told my husband I couldn’t go back and why and that was hard.  I decided not to chicken out, that I would call by boss and tell her exactly why I was not going to be able to work for her.  I did and although my pride was hurting I knew that I had to do something about my wt.  That is when I went to see my MD and was referred into the program.  I have spent 5 years researching RNY and have two family members that had it done with great success.  I got up the courage to ask my MD about it.  I had at that point in my life eaten myself into a box.  My world had become so small and I was falling apart.  When I was accepted into the program it was as if a title wave of hope hit me.  I knew that with the help of the RNY I could change my life. 

 

 

BODY IMAGE ISSUES:

To be honest I don’t know one over wt person that doesn’t have body image issues.  I personally feel trapped in my own body.  Sometimes when I pass a mirror or a pain of glass that catches my reflection I feel shocked that it is me looking back.  I forget sometimes that I am so big because on the inside I am just funny, fun, Melanie but that is not what the world see’s.  They see an obese woman, that ate herself into a giant mass.  I know firsthand that fat people are discriminated against, at work, in restaurants, at school, in clothing shops, anywhere and everywhere.  It is just sad really because we often feel bad enough about ourselves without others looking down on us or making us feel like crap.  Anyway, ya, I defiantly don’t love my body the way it looks now but I don’t hate it either.  I have come to accept that this is something I have done to myself.  In essence is it a form of self-mutilation.  When I think about that I feel sad for the fat girl.  Sometimes I can separate myself from the fat girl I know I am on the outside from the person I am on the inside.  It gives me perspective, a type of reality check that is sometimes needed, especially when your wt gets this out of control.  I don’t want to trick myself into thinking that I am “not that fat”, which I have done before.   I am “that fat” and am done being “that fat”!

I went and saw the Nut and Social Worker as required by Kaiser for my next step in their program.  It was a two hour meeting of which I used all two hours of.  They did a type of "personality" test and then a childhood experience test while I was there.  I think it is used mostly for their ongoing research for the reasons why people become obese.  I was happy to participate, although the childhood test was a hard one for me as my childhood experience holds much pain and is a main source of why I have had weight problems.

I will post after this one some of my Epiphanies I had while answering some of the questions they asked me to answer before going to this meeting.

I brought with me my food diary and the Nut told me that I needed more variety in my meals.  Although this may be true, I tend to find things that I enjoy and stick to it.  I don't like to deviate much because that can lead to eating things that put me back into bad habits.  I told her that but she insisted that I try and eat a variety of things.  The truth is I will be fabricating some of my food diary because I happen to know my body and what works for me.  I found her very nice and knowledgeable but I am losing wt and don't feel like I am missing any important foods.  What can I say I am a rebel lol.  Bedside from all that I have read my taste preferences will most likely change after the surgery anyways and I will be looking for different types of food then and that is what I have y'all for ;p

So in one months time I will go back to see the Nut and Social Worker to make sure that I am doing what is expected and my wt is continuing to go down and then I will have the meeting with my SURGEON!!!!  I cant believe it!  From the time I got accepted into the Kaiser program to now it has been only 5 months and it is going so fast!  I should be having surgery with in the next few months and I am VERY ready and EXCITED!!!  It seems everything has just fallen into place for me.  I have not missed any appointments and have been very dedicated to this change. 

So that is where I am at so far.....looking forward to seeing the scale continue to move down.  I can't wait for my "fat" pants to be fat pants again!!!!

YA-OUCH!  So maybe this is TMI but I figure that this is just one more thing on my way to WLS.  I have never had children and about 6 years ago I stopped having my cycle all together.  At the time I didn't have insurance and quite frankly hated the MD enough not to go get things checked out.  I just figured it was because of my WT gain and left it at that. 

I had my first pap in 6 years on Dec. 2nd and everything came out fine but I decided that I wanted to have an IUD instead of taking birth control.  I had tried many different types of birth control and all of them made me sick or gain WT.  I also decided it was a good idea to do, so the chance of getting pregnant with in the first two years of WLS was next to nil! So I scheduled an appointment for it, today, and went in. 

I had a new MD and when I told her I had not had a cycle in 6 years she about fell over lol.  She said she wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure everything was ok.  She said, "it wont hurt to bad, its about the same as inserting the IUD."  Are MDs allowed to lie ;p
I IUD was nothing compared to the biopsy.  Wow it hurt so bad that apparently I quit breathing, the MA had to remind me to breath.  It really isn't a long process but it sure hurt like hell!  So now that is over with, thank God!  And I don't have to worry about getting pregnant or taking birth control which is nice.  Now I just have to wait on the results of the biopsy and hope all is well.

I have another meeting on the 26th with the NUT and PT.  Its another group meeting.  After that I will have the one on one with the Therapist and then I should be having my consult with the surgeon!  SO CLOSE!  

Well I finished my nutrition classes and had to miss the last two.  My grandma got sick and I went down to help out for a week and ended up there for a month.  My grandma had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer but they said 80% chance for remission......she died17 days from the day she was diagnosed.  It was a huge shock!

It was a very hard month!  I am usually a stress eater but I ended up losing weight while I was taking care of her.  It was after I came home that I gained about 2lbs back before I realized I had fallen back into old habits.  I have repented, lol, and am back on track.

I thought that missing those two classes would get me kicked out of the program but it didn't thank God!  I have just a few more meetings and then I should be well on my way to surgery.  I am hoping for  March!

Just a few months ago I was visiting my grandma, we were sitting outside just talking when she looked at me and said, "Honey, you are too beautiful to be so heavy.  Please promise me you will work on losing weight.  I love you no matter what but I know you would be much happier and healthier if you lost some weight."  It took me a bit off guard because she never really said anything about my weight.  I realized then that I HAD to change.  Now that she is gone I really want to honor her and myself by getting this weight off.

So onward and upward to smaller :) and better things!

I am required by me insurance to take an 8 week nutrition class and I am as of current going on my 6th week.  We meet every Sat. for two hours.  I thought that I would really hate the class but as it turns out I am enjoying myself.  Although most of what is talked about are things that most life long dieters, such as myself, already have a good grasp on it is nice to refresh some of it.

Here's the one problem with the class, it is not a nutrition class for GB people.  It is simply for people wanting to lose weight and understand the process of eating right.  Also the instructor is openly against GB and is rather hateful about it if it is at all talked about.  I find this strange as all except maybe 4 people are taking the class because it is a requirement to be eligible for GB.

I must admit when I first realized that she is so anti GB I was a bit ticked because of her attitude but then I just decided I don't care what she thinks about it this is  a decision I have made by being persistent in my search for information and others that have been through it.  She will not stand in my way!

I am also a bit surprised that the insurance company does not have a nutrition class just for people considering the GB or other wt loss surgery's.  This seem that it would be much more helpful to those in need of a better understanding of GB.  I have discovered that many of the people who are taking the class in hopes of getting GB know almost nothing about it.  I found this extremely surprising!  I just can not imagine jumping into such an extreme choice with out full knowledge of what to expect.  I have spent a lot of the time trying to help inform them and guide them to places for more information.  I hope that they follow through with getting themselves informed!

So that is it for now.  I can't wait for the next steps because I am SO READY !