The roll of food in my life

Feb 22, 2011

ROLL OF FOOD AND CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCE:

 

The role of food has played in my life has dominated most every thought and decision since I was around the age of 9.  My dad made eating a big deal as did my grandma and mom.  We had to eat everything on our plate and in fact it wasn’t until I was 15 that I was told that I could stop eating when I was full and that I didn’t have to feel guilty about leaving food.  I was told that by a good friend and it seemed at the time the craziest thing I had ever heard.  It took a lot of practice breaking that habit. 

My parents had a very bad marriage and I was abused growing up.  I used food for control; it felt the only thing I could control was whether or not I ate. I also used gaining wt as a weapon against my family because I knew how much they hated me being fat. It was a way for me to get back at them and so I used it as a weapon.  I began to “sneak” eat when I was 11.  My dad would find out he would get mad and call me names.  He was very physically, emotionally, sexually, abusive during my childhood.  Food comforted me and never once said a bad word to me, it just was there and I found I liked that very much. 

For some reason my grandma was always putting me one diets.  All my family has problems with wt.  I had just always assumed I was a fat kid.  When I look back at pictures now, I was a fairly normal sized kid until around 14, with the exception of wt gain off and on.  I also started menstruating at the age of 9 so that could have had a lot to do with my wt.  From the time I was 14 till now I have lost and gained about 100lbs a few times.  In the last 6 years it has been mostly gain. 

I could blame my parents for being heavy but after the age of 18 it is, I have accepted, my responsibility to manage my life and eating.  So if I track my wt gains and losses since I was 9 the wt gain is from life stresses and feeling out of control.  The losses have been at times when either I didn’t have hardly any money to spend on food or I was generally contented with my life and it was definitely before I was married.  Something about being married and in a long term relationship causes me to gain wt.  Before my husband I was in a two yr relationship and gained 100 lbs.  After he broke it off with me I lost 80 lbs.  When I got into my current relationship I gained over 100 lbs in the first year and a half.  We have been together for 7 years.

Relationships in my family have always been a source of stress so I think something must trigger in my brain when I enter into a relationship.  Stress = eating = gaining = depression and so the cycle runs.  My marriage is actually very content and calm and good.  For the first few years, 5 years, we had a very hard time with money, sex, life…..growing up.  That is when the wt started to pack on.  Now I have just gotten to the point where I have so much wt to lose I hardly know where to begin.  Well that’s not true because I have begun with the RNY program.

 

 

 

 

THE EFFECTS OF BEING OBESE:

In the last 2 years my wt has begun to affect everything about my life.  I had to quit my job to move and have not been back to work.  At first I didn’t get a job because of transportation issues then it turned into I couldn’t be on my feet for that long.  It made my whole body hurt.  I got hired on doing what I have always done, caregiving, just a few months ago.  I spent 8 hrs training on my feet and then walked home and spent the next hour crying.  I could not do it and I was horrified and embarrassed.  I had no idea that my wt had gotten that out of control.  It was very humiliating.  I told my husband I couldn’t go back and why and that was hard.  I decided not to chicken out, that I would call by boss and tell her exactly why I was not going to be able to work for her.  I did and although my pride was hurting I knew that I had to do something about my wt.  That is when I went to see my MD and was referred into the program.  I have spent 5 years researching RNY and have two family members that had it done with great success.  I got up the courage to ask my MD about it.  I had at that point in my life eaten myself into a box.  My world had become so small and I was falling apart.  When I was accepted into the program it was as if a title wave of hope hit me.  I knew that with the help of the RNY I could change my life. 

 

 

BODY IMAGE ISSUES:

To be honest I don’t know one over wt person that doesn’t have body image issues.  I personally feel trapped in my own body.  Sometimes when I pass a mirror or a pain of glass that catches my reflection I feel shocked that it is me looking back.  I forget sometimes that I am so big because on the inside I am just funny, fun, Melanie but that is not what the world see’s.  They see an obese woman, that ate herself into a giant mass.  I know firsthand that fat people are discriminated against, at work, in restaurants, at school, in clothing shops, anywhere and everywhere.  It is just sad really because we often feel bad enough about ourselves without others looking down on us or making us feel like crap.  Anyway, ya, I defiantly don’t love my body the way it looks now but I don’t hate it either.  I have come to accept that this is something I have done to myself.  In essence is it a form of self-mutilation.  When I think about that I feel sad for the fat girl.  Sometimes I can separate myself from the fat girl I know I am on the outside from the person I am on the inside.  It gives me perspective, a type of reality check that is sometimes needed, especially when your wt gets this out of control.  I don’t want to trick myself into thinking that I am “not that fat”, which I have done before.   I am “that fat” and am done being “that fat”!


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Hillsboro, OR
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55.4
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Apr 15, 2010
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