Lunasweetz69

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I am in mental hunger hell. Everywhere I turn people are enjoying gluttonous foods...carefree. Even the healthy stuff is making me crazy. I fantasize of just licking the food. So I am surrounded by a bunch of kids eating my favorite pizza and soda. I had to walk away.

I have my postop appt tomorrow. If he doesn't give me the clear for full liquids and soft foods, I am going to lose my damn mind. I am happy with the progress, but I am HANGRY! I am angry at the people indulging in front of me without a care in the world. I am hungry for actual food. I want to throw my sippy cup at the wall. Yes...sippy cup helped with the hydration better than trying not to gulp.

Please give me the strength. I am MISERABLE. I am uncomfortable and I just want to taste real foods! V8 fusion has been a turning point, but even that is beginning to piss me off. 

I hope for good news tomorrow...I just might snap lol

Surgery went well April 28th, 2014. I ended up with 3 surgeries in 1. I had my band removed, sleeve put in, and a diaphragmatic hernia repair and a ton of scar tissue removed. M-F was pure hell. It was actually more painful than my csection recovery...which really surprised me. With surgery lasting 2.5hr and the gas inserted for lap surgery....ooooooh my left shoulder. I remember having neck pain after my lap band, but this was horrible. I felt as if I was shot in my shoulder. I had to much swelling that I couldn't really get liquids down until Saturday...my day of revival! I was threatened with an ER visit if I didn't push thru the liquids. I better be dying before I go to the ER. Getting heckled for it just pissed me off, but solidified my view on it. I was in a semi coma all week. I went from super active to super zombie. Yes the pain meds, anaesthsia helps too, but oh lord! Another thing that didn't help recovery...dermatitis on my abd. I told them I am allergic to the adhesives on those damn drapes. Thank god I found an unopened steroid cream from my csection when I discovered that lil tid bit. So pain and itching is sooooooo much. Started my cycle too...after skipping the inactives. Why does it have to be so hard for me. Why can't I just be like most pts and breeze thru with minimal misery??

I am glad I am in a better place physically. I am still on clear liquids. I can't say I feel physical hunger, but the mental hunger is pure torture. I daydream of licking foods. I don't so much want to eat them, I just want to taste them. I am surprised I am not having dreams about it. The TV commercials are cruel. My husband buying shrimp for the grill tonight is definitely the most upsetting. But I know I will survive.

I bought V8 fusion pom-blueberry. Its the 1st drink with some sugar in it. 10g of sugar. I diluted it with water, but I am still freaked a lil about dumping syndrome. Popsicles are a godsend. My moms home made chicken soup broth is great. That's the most nutrients I have gotten all week. But I am soooooo ready for full liquids and soft foods. I am most excited about fat free sugar free jello and cream of wheat. 

I am miserable mentally. Before it was the feeling like an invalid that upset me. Now its the mental hunger. Food is thrown in front of me from every angle. I want shrimp, sushi, full soups, hell even just cream of wheat! I know this too shall pass, but I am not sure how I got thru it the 1st time. I have been thru this battle before. I am down 10lbs from surgery, which is a yay. I just wish I would be able to get some kind of counseling. Nutritional counseling might be helpful with making me more fulfilled with my small meals. Its $25 to see Emily. But I think I need professional mental counseling. 

Clearly all bariatric pts can benefits from counseling, but again, I am just not in a good place. I think once I advance my diet and my wt comes off, I will be happier. Maybe I am just in the stage 1 blues. The meds, clear liquids, and pain can make anyone crazy.

Ironically, the majority of the pain has been in my left shoulder. I have weened myself off the pain meds. My abd muscles are sore. Coughing is definitely not fun. Most of my abd pain is in my right side....totally opposite side. 

My 1st real outing was to the supermarket (asking for it??). I did pretty good with the walking. Not too winded. Granted I need to take a 3h nap afterwards lol. I made it to check out and had to go to the car because I had a coughing fit which really hurt. 

Any type of prolonged movement lands me straight on my ass. I had to lay down after a shower! Kind of cracks me up because I am about 85lb lighter than when I started this bariatric journey. I should be mentally prepared and stronger. But somehow, I am just not. 

But I will take it one day at a time. 

April 28th, 2014 is the official date for round 2 of my journey. I can't believe how easily I was approved. I guess it was a true blessing. I already did all my pre-op and I am excited/nervous. Of course I am doing a work marathon before surgery, but I need to do it. 

So here are my goals:

1. Get back into my skinny clothes

2. Start working out again.

3. Be as disciplined as I was before with making the right choices. 

4. Try to run a 5k without walking. 

5. Go to a water park & do the big slides.

6. Regain my control over my mind and body.

On one hand, I have enjoyed being naughty and not doing what I am supposed to be doing. But I can feel the effects of the weight gain. I don't feel as energetic, sexy, or happy. But I will get there!

So 3.5yr out and I have had great succes with the lapband. However, I have some serious decisions to make. I have had 2 very bad complications from an overfill. The first overfill was almost 2 yrs ago and I ended up in the ER with hypoglycemia and had all the fluid taken out of my band. My 2nd overfill happened last month and also left me in the same predicament, but thankfully to dear people around me, I just had the amt that was put in in the recent fill taken out. So I still have limited restriction, but I can hold down liquids and eat like a normal person. 

So after consulting a few drs, their advice is for a gastric sleeve revision. They explained that the band will continue to cause me problems and is not a life-long solution. Yes, I might be able to hold off for 5-20more years, but I am still very young and will need it taken out eventually. Gastric sleeve is a permenant solution.

1. It  really pisses me off that I might need another surgery.

2. It really pisses me off that my BMI actually still qualifies me for bariatric surgery...which I guess is a blessing in disguise.

3. How can I still be considered morbidly obese after losing an Olsen Twin lol. It really does blow my mind.

4. I truly only have 50lb more to lose before I start to look really sick. So is it a dangerous idea?

I have overwhelming support from family and friends, but just the thought scares me. Its more invasive and I am just scared it will be a bad idea. However, it will help me on my final aspect of my WL journey and get me to my goal. 

I have done so well on the band and have put the work in. Its not a failure on my part. But I really wish I would have considered the real implications of getting it in my 20s. 

Going to make an appt with my surgeon soon. Who knows, he might even deny me. But what really irks me is the fact that he was right...he told me I would be back. He pushed for the sleeve and I demanded the band. But this isn't about my pride, its about being around for my family. IT will be so nice not having to worry about the damn port or fills. 

Here is to another unexpected journey. But I have to say, I don't regret my choice for WLS. It has made me a happier, healthier person and I love the changes in my life. 

Highest wt was 270. Lowest 165 (post partum...go figure!)

So clearly I know I'm getting smaller, but the #s can play such a mind game with you. I'm down to 202.4lbs. Which is pretty incredible. The largest I have been was 270. So I'm down essentially 68lbs overall. I am still in the 200s, but a glorious moment happened yesterday! I bough size LARGE in Urbane scrubs. Not 3X, Not 2X, Not XL...but LARGE! I don't have that f'n X in my size. I was sooo excited! It was very form fitting, but I bought it and I felt that I looked good in it. I think I will wait until my cycle has come and gone before I display it for the world to see. But I am very proud. It was only a few wks ago where the size was TOO tight. I was excited just to get it over my @$$, but NOW it FITS!!!!!! What a feeling.

I suffer from dysmorphia. I still have the mentality of a fatty, but I'm becoming more confident and bolder. I no longer shudder at the thought of a full body shot. I actually embrace it! I guess Zumba has been working out for me haha.

I am working so much lately, that my energy levels are depleted, but I have to dig deep and find the courage and will to go on. I must put my daughter down and get my exercise done. Zumba is definitely fun. I really miss my trainer. I miss having the opportunity to take a class.

I want to do Body Pump again, but I'm horrified by the trauma it will do to my body. Will I fear sidewalks again?? I remember I felt every muscle in my body the 1st time I did it.

As soon as this work marathon is over. I am going back to the gym. I have a lil bit of time before October/November. Will I do the 5K?