Almost 20 weeks post-op. The ups and downs of a sleever.

Jul 23, 2009

My goodness what a rough 4 months it's been!  I remember my "so many" months pre-op all I could think about was this surgery.  It dominated everything in my head.  There was excitement, hopes, dreams, terror, dread, anxiety, and most of all......doubt. I say doubt because I think everyone who goes into something like this are all dreaming of that light at the end of the tunnel.  The day where they could do everything they've never been able to do before. For me it was walk with out having to stop every 4 to 5 minutes so I could rest and catch my breath, shop at the "normal" stores and not out of a catalog, wear high heels, ride any roller coaster I wanted to, sit in a booth at a restraunt, ride on an airplane comfortably, and most of all...........love what I saw looking back at me in the mirror.  But there's a small voice......and it lives in the pit of your stomach and its always saying "What if it doesn't work?, What if you don't like what you look like after?, What if something goes wrong?, Will I fail?"  Everytime one of these questions would come into my mind.....my heart would hit the floor.  I didn't want to think this way.....it could maybe sabatage me in the end.  And it's not long before you find that you're turning into a psychotic mess!  Is this surgery worth all of that? 

To an unexpected and very fortunate turn of events........Everything I thought I knew about the sleeve and was "prepared" for........was completely wrong and obsolete.  This has been NOTHING like I imagined.  I thought I would be so down in the dumps because I couldn't eat..... Nope.  I look at people eating big giant plates full of food and I don't feel jealous.  I feel sorry for them! LOL.  I think it's gross seeing people just shoving piles of nasty grease infused food into their mouths. ~shudders~ Disgusting.   I thought I would be dealing with not having any energy and thought I would be fatigued all the time.  Right now I'm fighting this damn-near-uncontrollable urge to get up and just take off running.  Where the hell all this energy is coming from, I have no idea. 

I was also dealing with some other mental speed bumps.  My brain simply wasn't catching up to all the changing that was happening to my body.  I still saw a whale in the mirror......but everyone around me were continuing to give me compliments and telling me how good I looked and what a good job I've done.  I couldn't allow myself to believe them!  I guess that was that evil cynical side of myself that's always been buried and hidden and stuffed back into the dark corner of my soul.  Because that same voice I talked about before was sitting there saying "They're people who know you've had the surgery.  They love you.  Of course they're going to tell you that you look good!"  I have trouble explaining this logic to myself most of the time......but it's just my gut feelings, you know?  So I guess until I starte getting compliments from complete strangers....I'm not going to believe it.  I still don't believe the number I see on the scale.  Something is wrong with the scale......it's not right.  THIS comes from seeing one number on my scale.....then seeing something a totally different (very mortifying) number on the "professional" scale at the doctor's office.  So I have no idea what to believe when it comes to what I really weigh. 

One thing that IS a little annoying that this surgery has changed is, I thought I would be off all of my medications by now.  Nope.  I'm now taking more meds now that I ever have.  But......I don't really care.  It's 10 seconds out of my day.  I haven't had my happy shopping experience yet.  I'm hoping that will happen this weekend.  I know I've dropped at least 2 to 3 sizes in shirts.  Pants- I'm not so sure.  I had a pair of jeans that I tried on about 3 weeks pre-op.....and lol...omg....there was NO hope for these things.  They wouldn't even came up over my hips.  And now they're zipping right up.  But they're a size 28........ My aunt came over and gave me some clothes she had that didn't fit her anymore and they were all size 24s......and they were just like the jeans used to be...they wouldn't even come up over my hips!  So I don't know......We'll have to see how stuff fits when I go shopping this weekend! 

I got on the scale this morning (for the first time in 2 weeks) and it said "282".   276 will be my "100 lbs lost" mark. I was walking in to work this morning and passed by a window.........and saw the reflection.  I stopped dead in my tracks and yelled out "HOLY SHIT!"  I DO LOOK GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  What the hell happened over night???

I'm glad I'm starting to see what a difference there is.  And I can't wait to show all of you!!!!! I will be getting new pics on here hopefully this weekend. 

 GO SLEEVE!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and PS:  Skyline now tastes the same as it always did....but the new tummy hates the pasta....lol.  Oh well!

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