All of my old posts and pictures-I really messed this up!!!

Jun 19, 2009

I am not sure if this is where I begin to write about my journey, but I couldn't find anywhere else and if noone else gets to read this than I will at least be able to look at it. I have only been over weight for the last 11 years. Three children and 160 pounds later here I am. My self esteem when I was thin was not very good, now it is minute. I have gone through one marriage and am now on my second. I started this whole process about 10 months ago and I finally got apporval from my insurance. My husbands insurance turned me down and for time sake I did not appeal it. I have 2 herniated disks in my mid back and have been out of work for the last 8 months. I am hoping that this process will help with my back and maybe get me back to work. I have a surgery dat of 9/8/05 and I was very excited about it. But the people that I figured would be the most supportive definetly are not there for me. It seems like I am putting a huge burden on everyone and putting them all out of there way.
Image hosting by Photobucket8/24/05 Today I received a batterie of phone calls with different appointments that I need to attend before my surgery. I live about 2 hours from the hospital so they are very nice of them to schedule everything all in one day. I am very nervous and excited. I wish time would go a little faster so I have less time to think about things.

8/26/05 What a total let down. I was getting all geared up to have surgery on the 8th and they called today and changed it to the 13th. I had everything all situated with the kids( I have 3 little ones)so that they had somewhere to go . I have no idea what I am going to do now. What a bummer!!!! I did get all my pre admission information in the mail today. I was all excited to really be getting things started. I also found out today that my secondary insurance didn't approve my claim because I had to have been on a physician supervised diet at the least 2 years ago in addition to the 6 mo I was just on , Ridiculous. Generally it has just been an all around horrible day.

8/30/05 Yesterday was my birthday and it was probably one of the worst birthday's I have had. No one including my sister even called to say Happy Birthday. My best friend is either mad because I am having this surgery or she just forgot. I would prefer the second. My husband and I even got into it a little because I asked him to take my before picture and he made a stupid comment. I am sure that I am being super sensitive because I am that way anyway and because I am feeling very alone right now. I want to make 32 a year of many changes. My surgery is 2 weeks out today and I want this to be one of the major changes. But I know all too well that just losing weight is not going to make everything all better. When I graduated from high school I weighed 112 pounds and I am 5 Ft 9 1/2. I won't say that my self esteem was as low as it is now, but it wasn't far off. I won Beauty Pageants and that still wasn't enough. I had a lot of friends and I feel like I was well liked, but that wasn't enough. Hopefully on this journey I am about to take I am going to find me. The real me who doesn't worry about what everyone else thinks, and sticks up for herself. I guess you never know where life will lead you. Tonight I had my mother take my measurements. As embarrassing as they are I really hope they make me feel better later, perhaps during a plateau.

Neck- 15
RT. Arm- 15 1/2
LFT Arm- 16 1/2
Chest- 48
Waist- 45
Rt. Thigh-31 1/4
Lft Thigh- 31 1/2
Rt. Calf- 18 1/2
Lft Calf 20
Hips- 56
How embarrassing!!!!!

I just realized today that I am writing in my journal backwards. I hate it when I read them backwards- now I am doing it. Well, I have 10 days to go. And I am actually feeling alot better about this process. One of my big hang ups in life has been that I worry alot about what other people think. Well, I was worried that I will die and everyone will think that I was being selfish. I guess I have just come to the conclusion that I am willing to take that chance. This is going to be good for me and good for my children in the long run. I guess at this point I can say that I am pretty excited. And I think that I have even got my best friend on my side. I am really trying to break my soda habit now instead of after surgery. THIS IS VERY HARD!!! My husband still drinks it like it is going out of style. I do have a sip here and there but defiantly not as much as I used to. Trying very hard to get on the water bandwagon. I HATE WATER!!!

9/8/05 Well, 5 more days to go. I guess I am calming down a little bit. I really have faith that everything will be ok. And I know now that my husband will be there with me, he got the ok frim work, so that definatly puts me at ease a little. Two of my friends from work came over today and took me out to lunch. They are also going to make the 2 hour drive to see me in the hospital. I guess it is times like this you really see who your friends are. I believe I have everything in place in case something bad happens, which also makes me feel alot better. I hope that my anxiety level stays where it is today, but I doubt it. I am definatly a worrier.

9/11/05 2 more days to go and of course my life can not be simple. My baby(she's 2) got the flu yesterday- the only problem is that she has been admitted in the hospital 2x in the past 5 months for these same symptoms. Back to the hospital we went yesterday to try to head off dehyrdation, at least she got to come home with us. She is still really sick today, and I am worried that something will happen to her while I am 2 hours away. To top it all off I think that I have a touch of the flu. My stomach just has not been right today. I haven't gotten much sleep- but I really haven't felt like eating either. Believe it or not I am amazingly calm. I guess I am having a hard time believeing it myself.

9/12/05 I called the doctor's office this morning told them about having the flu. I probably should have waited until I was up and abut, because I actually do feel better today. The nurse told me that I should probably reschedule, but I asked for some time to think about it. I decided to try the bowel prep today and see how I feel tomorrow. Even with the prep I am really not feel all that horrible and I think I have lost about 5 pounds. I have to be in Saranac tomorrow morning at 6:45. Besides the fact that I have to get up at 4 this makes me really happy because I can go in and get it over with. Unless I can't sleep tonight the next time I talk to you I will be on the losing side. YEAH !!!!!!
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9/13/05 Morning of Surgery

9/19/05 Well I have been home for 1 day now. I had a few minor complications so I had to stay 2 extra days. I was told that this was comparable to having a c-section. Whoever told me this was LIEING!!!! I would have 10 c-sections before I would do this again. I feel ok now, but I have definantly felt better. I can't sleep at night, I can't take the pain pills that they gave me even if I cut them up into fours because they choke me(I have never been good with pills), and I still havent had a bowel movement yet so I think that is why I am getting really sharp pains in my stomach. Noone also mentioned that it is very commom to start your menstral cycle when you have this procedure or any other big procedure for that manner. I guess I am just one of the very lucky ones becasue I started mine about 2 days post op and it still hasn't stopped. More icing on the cake.
I think it was about day 2 I started crying and telling my husband that I was sorry that I had done this- he told me to calm down and give it some time and that everything would be all right. I have to tell you that that was about the best thing that he or anyone else have ever told me. I always give him crap about not being supportive, but when I really needed him he was really there for me.
Today I am not feeling too horrible. I actually held down 6 small pieces of Perocet. My 2 older children were at school so there was no fighting and I actually got some rest. I do feel a little better everyday-and tomorrow is a new day. Oh yeah I got on the scales today and I was 267. Not too bad

9/27/05 Yesterday I went back to the doctor for my one week check up. He removed my drain while I was there. I was very glad to get rid of that thing- I kept catching it on my clothes and fingers. Actually the drains I had are more sore than my inscision. I only had steri-strips on the outside and staples on the inside so that healed up very quickly. I am trying to make an honest effort to get up and out more. I think I walked about a mile today, but until I am feeling better than I am now I am not going to push it. I started pureed food yesterday also. What a very nice change. I am hoping I will lose more weigh once I am healed and eating something. Still very scared that I will be the only fat women in the history of this operation not to lose weight. I know that I can screw this up some how. The scales at the doctor's office had me at 262.5- they don't match mine at home but I will go with what his says. I have decided to hide my scales because I want to weigh myself 5 times a day. That also scares me a little.

10/2/05 I have had a couple of dumping experiences in the past few days. The first I think that I ate too fast or too much and then got sick and the other I was taking pills which I think got stuck in my throat. It felt that way anyway. I got on the scales ths morning and I weighed 259, so hopefully theyhave decided to start movign again. I wanted my mom to do my measurements the other day, but she was in a hurry. I really don't feel like I have lost anything in my stomach-but I guess it could still be swollen from surgery. Everything seems to be healing really well on incision.

10/5/05 My mom came over today and did my measurements tonight. I was kind of worried about how it would come out, because I would be depressed if I hadn't lost anything. But I have actually lost a few inches. I don't know if my stomach is still swollen from sugery, but my pants really aren't any loser in the stomach. I went for quite a walk today and I actually went for a drive and went to Wal-Mart. I do need to get out more, but I am really struggling with my energy. I guess it is a very good thing that I don't have to go to work. Anyway my measurements:
Neck: 14.5
Lft Arm:15
Rt. Arm:14.5
Waist: 44
Hips: 52
Chest: 46
Rt. Thigh: 30
Lft Thigh: 30
Rt. Calf :17
Lft Calf: 18

Sorry it has been so long since I have updated but I have been in the hospital since 10/6, and I wasn't feeling real great before that. Something is wrong where I start throwing up and I just can't stop. It is not a pleasant experience. I was really stupid and just went to a local ER where they knew nothing about WLS. If you don't listen to anything I say- even if you have to drive 2 hours like I do or more you will be MUCH better off if you go to the hospital that did your surgery. I am still throwing up and not really feeling any better so I am going to see my doctor tomorrow. This hospital did an xray of my bowels and a barrium test to see if I had a leak, but they didn't do a scope so I am really not sure what the problem is. Hopefully he will know tomorrow.

I can't believe it has been so long since I have written. It has not been because I have been too busy. I have been so tired I can't even stand it. I had a stricture which was causing all the throwing up. It only took about 10 minutes to fix it. I know I am not getting enough protein, but I am still not keeping things down the way I should. I am now down to 240 which is not bad considering I haven't had anything on my stomach for 3 weeks. My mom did my measurements today. I am down 24 3/4 inches.

Left Arm- 15
Right Arm-14.5
Hips- 51.5
Right Thigh-27
Left Thigh-28
Right Calf-16.5
Left Calf-17

Well last Wednesday I went back to the doctor because I have been feeling pretty crappy again. Anyway my stoma closed back up and I needed another adjustment. This time it was a one day event. In and out. I do feel alot better, however I am having a hard time with my bowel movements(sorry). I am kind of scared with all that has been going wrong that I may have an obstruction. I am holding my breath that I am just being paranoid. Because I had the stricture I am supposed to start all the way back at pure liquids and purees. Do you have any idea how hard that is? I was about 2 days away from real food and I had to start over. I have not been good at sticking to the liquids. I haven't been eating things that alot of other people have startd to eat because I am scared, but I tried a chicken nugget yesterday(I am very bad). I only ate about 1/2 of it and it really didn't taste as good as I thought it would. I have been at a stand still with my weight loss for about 2 weeks. I know I need to catch up from losing all the weigh when I was sick, I haven't been eating enough protein, and I haven't been eating enough food period. I am really getting scared I am going to sabatoge this.

11/7/05 Things have been going very slowly about the last 3 weeks. I have no idea what I am doing wrong. Maybe not enough exercise. So I got an elpitical machine the other day. My goodness is it ever hard. Right now I can only go .20 miles at a time, but I am trying to get on it a couple times a day. My legs are killing me. I also started watching my carbs more carefully. I guess I have been getting down on myself and thinking I am going to mess this up. I will never e able to look myself in the mirror again if I mess this up. I have been feeling much better since I had the second stricture taken care of, but now I am getting a very sharp stabbing pain right under my left rib. It hurts when I bend over and when I move certain ways. Not quite sure what it is but I know it is kind of scaring me. But then again I am a worry wart.

11/14/05 Well things seem to be picking up in the weight loss area. I have been walking and exercising on my eliptical machine everyday, maybe that is the difference. Whatever it is I am not going to stop. I have lost 6 pounds in less than a week. Since I have been exercising I am definetly more thirsty. I can not get enough water. I couldn't even lick an envelope my mouth was so dry today. Yesterday I think I drank over 100 oz of water. Today about the same. I feel much better now that I am losing weight again. I know that I get really down on myself when I don't lose any weight, but I have failed so many times before that I am really scared that I will fail again. I have discovered that I do not dump when I eat sugar. Someone on one of the boards suggested eating something sugary and see what happens-NOTHING. This is kind of a bummer, I was hoping that this would deter me from drinking soda and junk food. I guess I will just have to rely on my will power- it has worked so far. I just wonder after I lose the weight I am going to will I still have the urge. Pepsi was a big thing for me and I still fight the urge everyday to have just one sip, but I know where that will lead.

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Family Christmas Pictures 2005

11/21/05 I guess things are going ok. I am faithfully using the eliptical machine everyday. I am up to 17 minutes, but today I started trying 2x a day. I did 15 and 10 minutes to start with. I now weigh 230, but I have been there for a few days now. I am still wanting to drink all day and not really eat anything so I imagine that is affecting my weigh loss. I am going back to see the doctor on Wednesday because I really fear that I am dehydrated. He is going to think that I am the biggest pain in the ass that he has ever met. He really is a wonderful man and I don't think that I could say enough good things about him. My DH has been driving me nuts the last few days and I am having a hard time not having a huge candy bar and soda and then maybe a whole Jreck's sub. I never thought that food ruled my life as much as it does. Thanksgiving is in 3 days, and actually I am really not all that worried about it. The only thing I am really going to miss is my mother's homemade stuffing, but I am going to leave room for at least one or two bites.

December 12,2005
I can't believe it has been this long since I have posted. I did lose my password so I couldn't post for a few days. I went to the doctor for my 3 month check up and he said I was doing fine. I guess even that is not enough to make me happy. I seem to be the opposite of everyone else. I only lose weigh the week that I have my period. I am exercising, I am drinking water out the wazoo, but I probably am not getting enough protein or calories. I have a new protein shake coming today hopefully. I have never liked any of the ones I have tried thus far so hopefully this one will be good. I got the Nectar one that tastes like Fuzzy Navel. That is/was my favorite mixed drink so maybe I will like the alternative.
My son started playing hockey this year and I am so proud of him. He is really working hard to catch up with the other kids (He is 11 and had never skated in his life and he is playing with kids who have played since they were 3). One of his team mates fell down and got hurt at the game yesterday and he took his glove off and tried to help him up-he didn't realize that you need to let the coach help him incase he is really hurt. It was so heart warming to see my usually crass boy put his hand and and be so concerned for someone else. I cried right there in the arena. I am always hearing what a horrible kid he is - it was so nice to see this side of him and know that I did do something right with him. My whole point for this story is that I have been very busy with hockey lately. No time for much else. He is practicing every day sometimes 2x a day and then games every weekend.
I have decided I need to start going to some type of support group meeting. Tonight is the first one. I have been warned that this group is really not friendly to outsiders(people who go to different doctor's than the one they appprove of-not mine) but I need to do something. I am hoping that I will find someone who will kind of buddy up with me so I will have someone to talk to in person and maybe do things with. Probably wishful thinking. I often feel very alone in this whole process. I guess that is the way things have been most of my life and I just don't want to be alone anymore.
Anyway, hopefully trying the protein shakes will boost my losing and I need to start keeping track of my water and calorie intake. I want this to work, I want to feel better. Maybe it will.

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Jarren, Sydnee and Madalyn

12/20/05 I guess that time flies. I have not been feeling very well mentally lately. I really think that I need to get on some type of anti depressant. I just can't seem to get a grip on my life. I am not losing weight like I want to, my family is falling apart, and I just want to cry all the time. I keep trying to get things togethor and they just won't come togethor. Have you ever tried to make things right and no matter how hard you try it just can't make things work.
I am still having the same problem with only losing weight when I have my period. I know that I am still losing weight, but why only one week a month. This is such a bummer. No matter how much I eat or work out.
Things have never been right with my two older kids and my husband. They are from my first marriage and my dh has never excepted them. I have noticed it from the beginning of our relationship, but I always hoped it would get better. The other day my mother in law(who can't stand me) had a conversation with me saying that the whole family notices and they think he is verbally abusive. It is one thing when I think it, but the fact that his own family sees it really bothers me. So now it is 6 days from Christmas, and I have to hold my tongue until after the holidays.
I have also been struggling with whether or not to go back to work. I hurt my back about a year ago which gave me the courage to have this surgery. I have a fairly good job for this area of NY, and if I give up my job I could get a pretty big settlement, later down the line. But if I stay I could make 60,000 a year. I am afraid if I go back I will end up really hurting myself, and I am afraid if I don't I am giving up a big oppurtunity. Now with things as bad as they are with my husband I really don't dare give up that kind of money.
I am scared to death. How do I know what the right thing to do is. I love my husband, but my first obligation is to my children. I like my job, but I don't want to end up paralzed. I am just tired and scared. I wish I had a crystal ball.

12/26/05 If anyone is looking at my profile and wondering how or why I got such big pictures of myself on this site it is because I can't figure out how to fix it. I have probably worked on it for hours, but I just keep making it worse.
Christmas was really good this year. However I spent way too much money and am really going to pay for it now. I am going to have to go back to work even though I would rather not. I like being home with my 2 year old Madalyn, that is most of the time anyway. My brother in law got me a gift certificate from Fashion bug and I bought myself new jeans tonight. Mind you they are stretch jeans, but I got into an 18. I can not believe it. Shirts I am now into a 14/16.
I haven't been exercising at all lately because I am so depressed about not losing weight. I promise tomorrow I am going to get my ASS off the couch and exercise. I am going to write tomorrow so I can't back out. I guess if I lose 10 pounds a month it really doesn't matter how I do it. Maybe some exercise wil improve my attitude.


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Me on Christmas Day @ 215

12/27/05 Today was a pretty good day. I did exercise, probably too much. I guess I go from one extreme to the next. I did the eliptical machine, did pilates for my arms, and then did Richard Simmons Sweaten to the Oldies. I will get back on my machine before I go to bed. So I did what I promised and I do feel alot better about myself.
I finally got a picture on here. It wasn't exactly the size I wanted, but after messing around with it for 3 days I gave up and just put it in the picture section.
I guess that is about all I have to say since I wrote yesterday. Today was truely a different/new day.


12/28/05 Tomorrow is my daughter Sydnee's birthday. She is going to be ten, and boy do I feel old. I had Jarren and Syd at a young age so I know that I am not over the hill or anything, but everytime they have a birthday it is just a reminder of how fast they are growing up and I am growing old.
My mother came over today and did my measurements for me. to make a long story short either she measured me wrong or in a different place on my body, but if you are paying attention you will see that my measurements seem to be going up. They are definetly not. But I need to start over somewhere so I am going to post the measurements she got today so I have somewhere to start from AGAIN.
Neck: 13.5
Lft Arm:14
Rt. Arm:13 1/4
Waist: 44
Hips: 48
Chest: 38
Rt. Thigh: 26.5
Lft Thigh: 26
Rt. Calf :16 3/4
Lft Calf: 17 1/4

This was kind of discouraging because I am really not sure where the mistake is. But I guess you have to start from somewhere.
I have been on the run all day today so I haven't had a chance to do any exercising, when my husband gets home from work I am going to get something done.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go to Burlington to have a procedure on my back. It is supposed to ice rain tonight and tomorrow so I am not really sure if I will be going or not. I am praying to God that this works, I really would like to live a normal life someday.
New Year's is only 3 days away and I am not looking forward to it. I think that we are just going to stay home. I signed an agreement that I would not drink for a year, and we really don't have anyone else to go with. Hopefully we can do something togethor at home.
I hope everyone has a Happy New Year,


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Madalyn and I- God am I ever pale

1/17/06 Sorry it seems so long since I updated my profile. I actually did update about a week ago, but my computer seems to be on the fritz latley and it didn't save the update. I would like to take this thing and dump it in the garbage. Just when I thought I had this whole weight loss thing figured out I get thrown another curve. This month I lost 5 pounds the week before I started my period. So I figured this was going to be a really good month- since I usually lose 8 -10 pounds while I am having my period. Not so, I actually only lost 2 pounds and that was on the 2 days left in the week
after I was finished. So I have lost about 10 pounds this month, so I should not complain. I am now down to 208, that is a 73 pound weight loss in 4 months. Not to shabby, and I would actually prefer to lose it this way every month. At least I lose some weight every week and can feel like my work is making progress.
I should be returning to work real soon. I am going to work light duty first and then return to my real job. Hopefully with losing all this weight and the help I have been getting from the Burlington Pain Center I should feel like a new person real soon. I go back to the doctor 1/27/06 for a Radio Frequency Ablashion, they are going to take a laser and cut the nerves in my back around where I have the pain. At this point I would try anything.
I went back and erased all the huge pictures I had in my profile. Boy did they ever make me mad. I must have messed with those damn pictures for a week, so I will have to start over and try again.
I entered one below of Maddie, Sydnee and Bob in hopes of trying this out again.

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Bob, Sydnee and Madalyn

1/23/07 Well Bob left yesterday for Atlanta, Georgia for a month. I thought I was going to be glad to see him go but I think it has spun me into quite a depression. He called today and really only wanted to talk to Madalyn, and she was at my mom's so I called him tonight when she got home. She kept telling him how much she missed him and that she wanted him to come home. When I got back on the phone he was in so much despare that he really didn't even want to talk to me. Which of course made me even more depressed. I think I have been pretty much attached to this computer today so I don't raid the refrigerator. I even had 2 small pieces of pizza today(not at the same time)and some crumbs out of a Doritos package. Now my stomach is feeling like crap. He did cheerfully tell me that he and a friend went to Hooters for dinner. Mind you he was too busy to have sex before he left. I am sure once again I am probably just looking into things.


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4 months and 2 weeks out @ 205

1/30/06 Well I finally have some pictures on here that are normal size. My good friend Ann Dee helped me size them. Hopefully she can show me how she did it and I can do it myslef someday. I would really like to be able to put pictures all through my profile, but I would hate to bother her everytime I need it done.
I went last Friday to have the RadioFrequency Ablasion on my back. I have been in quite a bit of pain since then. I had to go to the ER Saturday to get a shot, which really didn't help much. I was really hoping that losing this weight and getting that procedure done would help me out. I guess not.
I have been doing pretty well on my weight lose this month I guess. I am now down to 203. I don't think 199 is ever going to get here. Especially since I haven't been exercising since Thursday. I did order a Ab Lounger and it should be here tomorrow. I hope it works. I have a hard time doig sit ups with my back like this so that is suposed to help.
I ate an egg this morning for breakfast and I think it is going to kill me. I feel horrible. I have eaten eggs previously and they didn't bother me. I guess you just never know.
Bob has been gone for a week now. It has really been pretty quite around here execpt me yelling at the kids because I am on edge. It is weird (maybe sad) because we get on the phone and really don't have anythig to say to each other. He used to work away and we would talk for hours aboput anything. I guess that is what 6 years being togethor will do to you.


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Julie and Stacy on our Night Out

1/31/06 Well my mother came over and did my measurements again, so I thought I would enter them. Nothing much has been going on here, except the last 2 days we have gotten sleet and rain. My ab lounger is supposed to be here today, but with this weather I am not so sure. Sydnee has gymnastics tonight and Jarren has hockey so we will be busy this evening if everything is still on.
I am so close to being in Onderland, but at this rate I could be 200 until next Christmas. I really haven't been doing anything the last 4 days becasue of my back. Mostly I have stayed in bed and have been taking alot of drugs. Which I am sure that taking all this pain medication can't be good for my metabolism. Oh, well at least I have been makig sure I get all my water again. At least I am doing something( make myself feel better).
Anyway, here are my measurements:

Neck: 13.5
Chest: 37.5
R. Arm: 12
L. Arm: 12.5
Waist: 36
Hips: 46.5
R. Thigh: 26.25
L. Thigh: 26
R.Calf: 26.5
L. Calf: 17
It is nice to know that my arms are now smaller than my neck!


2/20/06 I can't believe it has almost been a month since I posted. I guess since my DH has been gone I just have not had time to write. He got home 2 days ago, but things are still pretty hectic. Bob's grandfather died the night he got home and thngs have pretty much been a whirl wind since. I was away at a hockey game for the weekend and I had to travel back and forth becasue I wanted to be there for Jarren and Bob too.
I have noticed that I am getting hungrier lately. Although I don't eat much to begin with, but I am afraid to eat more because I want to keep up the weight loss I have been having. I am having a very hard time with dizziness lately. At first it only happened once in a while when I stood up. Now it happens all the time and when I do anything strenuous. It kind of feels like I am going to black out and then everything kind of spins. I go back to see the doctor in the firs week of March and I have to do my first bloodwork workup before then so hopefully he will be able to tell me what is wrong.
I am going to post my 5 month picture below. I can't really see a difference from my last pictures.


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2/23/05 I forgot to mention in my last post that I am now in Onederland. I never thought I would weight under 200 again, or especially not this fast. I went to the store the other day just to try on jeans and I needed a 14 in stretchy jeans. The sales lady must have thought that I was nuts when I came out of the dressing room crying. When I met my husband 6 years ago I was in a size 16 or 18. So now I weigh about 10 pounds more than I did then, but I am wearing smaller sizes. I just can't believe it.
I went 2 days ago and had a test done on my back. All this worrying has finally come to an end. I will not be returning to my previous job ever. Which makes me sad and happy at the same time. At least I didn't have to make the final decision. I will miss my friends that I made there and I will definately miss the money, but I won't miss the shift work or the pain in my body. So besides losing the weigh I am now going to have to make some decisions on where I am going to go with my career. I kind of want to go back to school,but for what I do not know. I probably have a way to wait so I will cross that bridge when I get there.


2/27/05 When things have not been going so well around here. My DH's grandfather dies last Friday, and it was kind of unexpected. I had to go have a Functional Capacity Test on Tuesday and it was horrible. I have never been in such pain. I ended up having to go to the ER and get a shot of morphine and valume because I couldn't even walk. Then when I got home I got home I just took my Percocet and Muscle Relaxers for a few days. Anyway I haven't been eating right. I ate chocolate chip cookies the other day that I made for Bob and thenit just got out of control. I had bread and noodles and more cookies. I am not sure if it is the carbs that made me more hungry or if I am stretchign my pouch by eating such horrible foods. I obviously couldn't exercise and I guess I am kind of scared to get back on and try again. I go to my doctor Wednesday for my first blood work ups since surgery, I take my vitamins daily but I am kind of interested in how they are going to come out because of the dizziness that I have been experiencing. I guess only time will tell.


I thought that I had written about my doctor's appointment already, but I guess I didn't. Things have been pretty hectic around my house. Jarren had Hockey States last weekend and the kids and I were gone from Friday morning until Sunday night. Things went very well at my Dr. appt. He said that I am already considered a success and I am only at 5 months out. I guess if you lose more than 65% of your overweight amount you are considered a success. But he also told me that my goal should be between 160-170. I don't know how I am only going to lose 20-30 more pounds in 6 months. If I lost 90 pounds in 5 1/2 months shouldn't I expect to lose more than that. I would like to weigh 150, and I think I would be very happy at that weight. Aside from still wondering about that the appointment went great. He was very surprised at how well I was doing which made me very happy.
I got on the scales yesterday for my weigh in and I now weigh 191- which is 90 pounds lost. I am so psyched!!!! Only 10 more pounds until I hit the century club. I never thought I would lose this much weight this fast.
I have decided to go back to school at some point in time. I am having my ups and down days about not going back to Corning- but I really think it is the right thing to do.
Well, I have ten million things to do today so I should get on my machine since I haven't exercised in about a month.


3/14/06 Well, yesterday was my 6 month anniversary. First of all I can't believe how fast time has gone by and second I can't believe how much weight I have lost in just 6 moths. Right now I have lost 93 pounds in 6 months. I was really going to be happy if I lost that amount in a year. I am however very excited about hitting 100 pounds, hopefully this month. I really haven't been eating all that well so I need to get my butt back on track. I keep saying that I am waiting for the weather to get better so I can go outside and walk. Excuses , Excuses. I haven't been on my machine in a couple of weeks again. I know what I want and how I would like to be about exercise- but I just can't seem to follow through. I don't really feel like I am getting the support that I need from just using this site. Maybe I need to go to a group where I can really talk to people and get their input.
I started the process so that I can go back to college. There is still so much left to do. I am not even sure if I will be able to get in or not, but it is worth a try. I am actually pretty excited about starting my life over. Then again I also have days when I really miss Corning and the money. As far as money goes things really haven't been that great around here. Bob seems to think that we are the Rockafellars and I am just pissing all of his millions away.


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6 Months out at 188 pounds

Things really haven't been all that great on the homestead lately. My DH and I are really having some issues and we just don't communicate enough to get through them. I really don't think either of us is really happy. I love him, don't get me wrong- but I want more now, and I am not getting it. It really is hard to understand until you are here- but losing 100 pounds really does change your outlook on things. I want to be out doing things, I don't want to feel like I am his maid anymore, I want him to tell me that he thinks I look good or when he can tell that I have lost more weight. I really don't think that I am asking for that much. It really is like we are living 2 seperate lives and we don't have a combined life. I went to my women's group last night- which is totally night a self help group and I cried all night. I felt like a total dip shit. I am premenstrual so maybe that is it- but this is all coming down on me at once. I dont want to be divorced again, I don't want to feel like crap anymore either. There is a very fine line between the two in my case. And I really don't think that my husband knows how serious I am about this.
On a better note, the weather has been very good here lately. I have been able to get out and walk. I really like being outside. I have 1 more pound to lose before I make the century club, but I imagine I will hold on to that one pound for several weeks. I know why, but when I hurt my back and was not exercising the weight was coming off left and right. I know it will come off eventually and I have lost another pant size.


4/12/06 Well tomorrow is my 7 month anniversary. I am very happy with the way things have turned out, if I didn't lose another pound I think I could be happy. I still want to tighten a few areas up, but I could love with things the way they are now.
My love life has actually improved in the last couple of weeks. Bob and I are getting along really great. I tried to explain how I was feeling a couple of weeks ago, he didn't have much to say, but I think he may have heard me. At least for now anyway. I think he would kill me if he knew that I was writing about our marriage on this site. I guess sometimes it just feels better to get this stuff out and since he won't talk to me I write about it here.
I have been walking quite a bit lately, but I have not been exercising otherwise. My back has been feeling pretty crappy and walking is the only thing I can do lately and Ihaven't been doing much of that. This is the one disappointment from this operation, I was really hoping it would help my back, but it hasn't. It does get me down when I don't exercise because I know I only have a short time to lose this weight and everyday I am getting closer to that magic year mark. I want to lose about 30 more pounds, and I figure the last 30 will be the hardest.
I will have Bob take a picture tomorrow so I have a 7 month picture to post.


7 months out- 174 pounds

4/28/06 Well not much as changed in the last couple of weeks. I have not been eating the way I am supposed to at all. Easter just sent me in a tail spin that I haven't been able to get out of. I find myself sneaking very big gulps of my husbands soda, just having one bite of junk food which turns into two. I have been exercising pretty regularly, but witht he junk I have been eating there is reason why I would lose any weight. Which in turn makes me depressed and I eat more. I decided yesterday I was going to start over again, and I didn't do too bad(not great either), but I did start today off on the right foot so maybe I can get my butt in gear and figure out what my problem is.


5/6/06 Well I would definetley have to say that things have slowed down for me. Since 4/22 I have only lost 3 pounds. Not really quite sure what the problem is, but I guess I need to get my butt in gear. I would like to be in the 160's by my eighth month, but I only have a week so that is probably not going to happen. I have been much better about what I have been eating, but I have not been exercising or walking at all. I guess I goin spurts and it is so easy to get out of the rhythm. I have been saying all along that I would like to weigh between 150-160, but now the way that I look with my clothes off I wonder if 140 would be better. But I definately don't want to go below 140. I wish that someone would do something about my back so I could do some real exrecises, but I am sure that is also a pipe dream. And I probably wouldn't be doing it now anyway since I have been so lazy the last couple of weeks.
Jarren brought home his report card yesterday I couldn't be more proud of him. Since he started taking the Concerta he brought his average up 8 points. I knew he could do it if he put his mind to it.
Bob went to Albany today for his other daughters birthday and first communion. I am afraid the church is going to fall in. Madalyn stayed here because his ex is always bitching that Mykalyn never gets any alone time with Bob. I guess Madalyn is a problem to her. So it is just me and Maddie today, and we have done nothing all day!
Well hopefully I can get back on track and stay there if the weather gets nice again.


5/20/06 I guess I haven't written in awhile because things have really slowed down. I think I have only lost about 8 pounds in the last month. That really isn't much of an excuse. I haven't been exercising again so that might have something to do with it. And I haven't been eating all that great. I definately haven't been getting all of my water in. As usual I have been given this great gift and I am going to blow it. I only have about 4 months left open in the window of WLS and I am going to blow it. The weather here has been horrible for about 2 weeks, so I haven't even been getting outside.
I have to go back to Burlington on Tuesday and supposively they are going to try another shot. I am not looking forward to the pain I am going to have or the disappointment of hoping it might work and it doesn't. Then Wednesday I go to Saranac Lake for a checkup.I am going to see a NP instead of Dr. Hill, which is kind of a bummer because I like him to see my progress.
Things have been going really well at home, with my DH. He has been alot more complimentary lately, which makes me very happy, and I think that inturn makes life with me much easier for him.
I am going to get off my ass today and get on my machine and I am going to drink enough water today!!!!! I would like to actually be able to wear a bathingsuit this year so I definately need to lose a few more pounds. My goal is 150 so I am only 17 pounds from my goal. Now I am thinking maybe 145 would be better. I guess nothing is going to happen unless I make it.

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8 Months out at 167 pounds

5/21/06 Today I put up my 8 month picture. I guess I wanted to show everyone how fat my legs still are. You would think all the miles I have walked on the elliptical machine would have helped more. I guess it is always your worst parts that take the longest to get rid of. My boobs which could have stayed the size they were were the first things to go. I still think if I never lost another pound I would be happy. It is just the firming up that I really want. I did go to the store yesterday and fit into a size 10. They were a bit snug, but none the less I was happy- I didn't have to lay down to get them on and I could still breathe once they were buttoned. I don't think I have worn 10's since college.


6/16/06 I guess as things are getting slower in the weight loss area I am writing less. I don't mean to, but my back has been pretty horrible lately and I started school. I don't know why my previous post is underlined but I messed with it all I am going to. I even put my 9 month picture in the wrong place, and I am not going to mess with that either. I have been gaining and losing the same 4 pounds over the last 2 weeks. This is something new for me and kind of signifies that I am past teh honeymoon stage and that I need to ge my butt in gear if I am going to lose the last 15 pounds I want to lose. I am really getting scared. I went to PT for my back today and she told me how little muscle tone I have. What a bummer. I don't want to be flabby, but going to the gym is out of the question for me. I have been on my elliptical machine, not lately because of my back, and you think that would have helped some. Guess not. I am going to try to write down more of my thoughts because I am getting pretty depressed.

I can't believe how fast this summer is going by. It really seemed like the first six months after I had this surgery dragged on and on. Now time is flying by. In 2 short months I will be a year out. This is kind of scary to me because I know that I probably won't lose much more weight ad the ability to gain it back will also increase. I have been trying really hard to get my fluids in, but that is a tasks in itself. I was admittd to the hospital last mnth because of some serious pain I was having and continue to have in my stomach. To make a long story short I have to have an endoscopy and a colonoscopy the 26th of this month. My bathrrom issues may be the root of the problem, or it could be an ulcer. Anyway becasue I have felt so crappy I have not been eating much of anything, but would like to make sure I get enough fluids. I really haven't lost much weight in the last little while. I want to get down to 145, but I think my body may be happy at 155. I wouldn't mind staying where I am, but I really would like to firm up a few choice places. However, my back prevents me from doing so. So I just take things day by day. Things are pretty much the same with my husband, I don't really expect things will ever change. I did not have this surgery to make him happy or so he would want me, but I was hoping that it might be a side effect. No such luck. I guess no matter how little I weigh or how much I do I will never be enough. I will have to take a picture in the next few days to show my progress.


7/20/06 Things have been pretty quite around here. I have to go next week to have the endoscopy and colonoscopy that the doctor ordered. Things really haven't been much better with my stomach. I was awoken last night with horrible pains in my stomach, but after I was on the potty for an hour I finally had a BM and then felt much better. Like I had planned Madalyn and I have been spending pretty much every day at the beach this summer. She is taking swimming lessons and getting to be out with other kids instead of staying home everyday. I actually got my butt into a swim suit and I have been doing as many laps as I can (I am only up to 2), but I am working on doing more and that is leadign me to start exercising again. I was up at 7 am and went for quite a long walk this morning. I am losing a pound here or there, but nothing real impressive. I also haven't been watching what I eat or drink lately. I fall off for a while then get back on. I am just afraid what is going to happen when I don't have my tool to use anymore. I still haven't put up my 10 month picture yet, Jarren and Sydnee are gonewith there father so I don't really have anyone to take it for me. Syd will be home on Saturday so maybe I can get her to do it for me. Things have been really quite around our house with out them her, I really miss them. But I suppose Brett deserves time with them too. Hopefully Sydnee will not go back for a while. Bob and I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. Things have been pretty good with us. He still isn't the best about giving me compliments, but I guess I know that he likes the way I look. It is just good to hear it once in while. It really is odd that all the insecurities that I had when I was fat are still there even though I have lost 130 pounds. I should be thinking " Damn, this man is lucky to have me". Instead I think it is more like "Does all this skin bother him? or "Boy her butt is still too big for the rest of her body". He would never say anything like that but what he says and thinks are two different things. I guess aside from working on my eating and drinking I have to do something about my confidence.

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Can't believe I actually put this on here- but you can see how bad shape my legs are in and my butt is still too big for the rest of me- besides the fact that I look stoned. I am 153 pounds here.

8/11/06 Well, I am still losing weight and a a pretty slow and steady pace. I really don't want to lose alot more anyway, but it si nice to know that it hasn't completely stopped yet. I am getting people telling me that I look sick and aneorxic, which really bothers me. For the first time in a very long time I feel comfortable in my body. I have a few places I still would like to tone up or lose a few pounds- but generally when I have my clothes on I like what I see. I guess that everyone is a critic and as long as I am happy that is all that matters. But I know that I can say that all I want- before I was too fat and now I am too skinny. When is being me going to be enough? I guess never.
My birthday is coming up in a few weeks and I never thought I would feel this good and be 33. I would have laughed my butt off if anyone ever told me that when I was 33 I would weigh only 145 pounds. I do believe that I am the same size now that I was when I was a freshman in college. WHen I graduated from H.S. I only weighed 112 so I don't really want to be that small again, but this will do.
Right now I am trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. You would think by 30 you would know. I have made so many changes in my life in the last year maybe I need to let things catch up with me before I make any huge decisions.


8/28/06 Well tomorrow is my birthday and I guess this year it really isn't so bad that it is coming. I will be 33, but I am in the best shape and health that I have ever been in- so really what do I have to complain about. I have been having a hard time fighting with bad carbs, but the last couple of days I have pulled myself up by the bootstraps and have done much better. I went ot my regular physican today who I have not seen in probably 2 months. I could not believe that I have lost 20 pouinds since I saw him last. He even told me not to lose any more weight.
Below I have entered some pictures from my cousins wedding. I loved the dress that I wore and I felt really sexxy for the first time in a VERRRRRY long time. It is nice to feel good and not so down on myself all the time. My husband even made a comment that I was a Hottie. I almost fell to the floor with a heart attack. He never says anything like that to me. It really made me proud of all the hard work I have done.
It will be a year out for me in just a few weeks. This really scares me becasue I know that my tool is going to be expiring here really quickly. Alot of people ask me if I would do it again considering I had all the problems I have had. The simple answer to that question is in a MINUTE. And I think I had the greatest surgeon in the world perform it. I would recommend him to anyone who asks- I couldn't have asked for anyone better. It really brings tears to my eyes to think of how much what he did for me has changed my life. But I also know that I had alot to do with that too and I am proud of myself for working so hard. I don't think I have ever been more proud of something I did (excepet my children)in my life.


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August 2006 143 pounds Lost 138 pounds

9/21/06 I can't believe this month has gone by so fast and I have not written in so long. I got the flu, which everyone else had for 3 days, and I was sick for 8 days. I had to go to the hospital twice and get fluids. It was really horrible. So on my anniversary I weighed 134 pounds. Today I am 139. They wanted me to gain a little weight back after being sick, and I was told that I should not lose anymore weight. I am very happy with where my weight is now, what I am worried about is gaining the weight back. I figure the more I lose now the less I have to worry. I haven't been exercising , but I am hoping now that it is getting colder I will use my machine- and possibly join a gym depending on my back. I just wanted to write a little blurb and tell anyone who reads this how happy I am with this surgery and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I am a different person now than I was then- and I really have Dr. Hill to thank for that. I know that I did allthe hard work , but he gave me the tool that has changed my life. And I will always remember what he has done for me.


11/8/06 Things have been so hectic in my life right now. I am actually doing what I said I would never do again. I am gaining weight and I still can't stop myself from doing the things that I know I am not supposed to do. I don't know if it is because of depression or the fact that I am eating tons of carbs and just keep wanting more. It is probably a combination of both. I never thought I would let myself do this, but her I am.
I know that I am overloaded with school and I am thinking about dropping some of my classes which is a far cry better than dropping out totally which was my first plan. I guess I have finally come to the conclusion that things willnever get better with my husband and my children, which leads me to my next dilemma- do I leave or do I try to stick it out for the next 30years. I am feeling very unloved and very unappreciated. But I guess that is not really anything new. I am having my own problems with my children and have come to the realization that I basically let them walk all over me. I just feel like I have no control over anything and that I am in a whirlwind. So anyway I am trying to make it all better by stuffing my face with anything that I can that is not good for me. You would think the fact that I know this would help me stop, but it doesn't.

This surgery doesn't fix everything-but I wish it would,

March 2, 2007

I am on a major backwards spiral and I am having a very hard time getting of this ride. First of all it is very obvious that I haven't written in forever. I always promised myself that I would at least keep my profile updated. It is hard to sit down and write everytime how horrible you feel your life is. I guess I am afraid it will make me even more depressed. But then again I am hoping it will make me a little more accountable.

Jarren has hockey every day of the week now, which means more rushign around to get kids ready so eating whatever junk we can find as fast as possible.I don't really feel like I hae anytime for myself. This weekend we are going to Plattsburgh for a tournament, but the girls are staying here so maybe I will be able to rest a little.

Things have not been good with DH lately. I think that we both love each other and want our marriage to work- but we are just two different people. I don't think he wants to have to put any effort in, I have asked him to go talk to someone about a hundred times and he won't. He keeps packing his bags and telling me he is leaving, and he knows what that does to me. The other day he made a comment about my deflated boobs. He told me he was just kidding and I told him how mean it was for him to say it- but I don't think he will ever know how much it hurt me.

I am still getting on the scale at least 5 x a day. My weight fluxuates from 141-148 during the month. It kills me. I just keep thinking this is it- I am going to gain all this weight back. I eat whatever and whenever I want and I can't get off the rollercoater. I guess I just feel like I have no control over my entire life.


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Bob and I Spring of 2005


About Me
Madrid, NY
Surgery Date
Aug 22, 2005
Member Since

Before & After
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Day of Surgery-9/13/05
April 2007

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