magicshadow148

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 Today was a crazy day for sure. Went and took Chris to work this morning and then to feed the horses. Then was offered to have a scooby lunch. It was very tight before I had to pick up the order at sams club. We went and fixed Chris's cell phone that was crapping out on her. We were going to have a great 4 month anniversary night till my phone wouldn't stop ringing. I finally answered it and found out it was my sister. she's furious with me. Apparently the ticket that she had gotten b/c of her fiancee's tail light on his truck finally received the response. Well I didn't know that was the letter for her that came to my apartment. B/c she took so long to respond to them that her license is now suspended. And its apparently all my fault. She made me feel like she thinks I did it on purpose. That I didn't want her to have it.  If I had known what it was I would have given it to her immediately. I thought they knew me better then that. But it seems that ever since my sexuality and my relatively new relationship seems like they think of me as this horrible person. That I can't do anything right anymore. As much as I do for them and as much as I try to progress in my life seems like I'm not doing anything. 

On top of all that. Im having such a hard time lately with eating right and keeping up with my exercising. I get into a routine positive pattern then there is a hiccup and I slope back down. I'm trying to work hard to get back to a routine. Getting my apartment organized and then able to do workout dvds at home again. 

Well I'm off to bed soon. 
Night all!

I just really need to rant. Its been almost three years since my wls. It will be three this march. I feel like this thanksgiving my aunt treated me like I was still almost 300 lbs. It was time for pie on thanksgiving and I went up to get a sliver of each so i could have my bite and be done with it bc i was almost full anyways. Instead of giving me my sliver she takes a couple bits of the center dregs and puts them on my plate and goes is that enough? I wanted to slap the bitch. I really wanted to say look lady I want a small piece of pie. Just like everyone else. Just because I used to be really big doesn't mean I am anymore. I've lost 100 lbs for goodness sake and am doing really well. So step off bitch. She's a nurse in the medical field and she feels like she knows everything and picks out the best for everybody. that also means they should do what she's picked and said. But I can't change her nor would i try b/c she's always going to be like this. I just have to avoid it next time. Well off to work on some more homework. Write some more later. 

I don't know where it came from. But this afternoon i got this new motivation to jump back on the wagon. im so glad of it too. Its been so frustrating. I know i need to work out more. I am going to. i am happy that i am going to work harder again. I hope that these last 30 lbs will be gone sooner then i think. i want to be 15 lbs lighter by the bar mitzvah if its the last thing I do.
xoxo
Abby 

I thought that over a year ago that this wouldn't happen. I would lose the weight and be good. I've stretched the limits and now I feel like I really screwed up. I'm eating and drinking things I know I shouldn't. I'm not eating the things I should. It's not that I don't have them in the house. I do I just eat the other things that are in the house instead. I'm so frustrated and mad at myself for eating all this crap. I want to go back to eating bare minimum and no more sugar at all.  Like at the beginning. I'm doing screwing up I want to lose this last thirty pounds and DAMN IT. im gonna do it. If only i was this gung ho all the time. Such as when i see those sugary things. UGH! Well hopefully tomorrow/ today will be better. Night All.
xoxo 

that is my new coping skill seems like. Getting overwhelmed and exploding with tears. I totally just blew up upset at my mom just recently for no good reason really. It's just i can't eat for feeling anymore. Its not that I want to. I just never really realized how much I used it to numb my feelings until now. It's scary how much I "didn't feel". I didn't think it was possible to do that without drugs. To numb out everything but it is. I hope that I find something else healthy to use to cope with soon. this is getting really hard. On a happier note. I'm down to 14s!!! yay!! I stepped on the scale yesterday and it said 213. when I get that 199 I am taking a picture. Onederland is going to make my life!! I cannot remember the last time I had a 1 as the first number. I can't wait for that day to come. Well im off to do errands.

I had my three month check-up today. My surgeon says im right on the average for my bmi weight loss at 33%. which is good. I've lost 53 lbs. I talked to him about all my nausea that I have been having. He said it could be acid, it could be a stricture or it could be an ulcer. I don't want have any of those things. I hope the antacid presciption he gave me will help. I don't want to have to get an endoscopy. I sort of do because then atleast i would know whats wrong with me. I just have so much going on with school and everything its just hard.

I just made it to 50 lbs. I can't believe it. I keep looking in the mirror longer every time because I don't believe that its really me looking back at me. 2 and a half months ago. I was worrying about the rest of my life and how it was going to be fat or if I was ever going to know what it was like to shop where I wanted and to go to the beach in a two piece and be proud. I am now 50 lbs. lighter and working my way there. I am out of plus sized stores. Layne Bryant you had cute clothes but I don't need you ANYMORE!!! I can fit in my bath tub. Everytime I turn around I have to buy new pants. Its awesome!! I have my down moments when I eat something that I thought would be ok and isn't but I am happy. I am glad I did what I did. I wouldn't go back.

I got my drain out today. I was so nervous. Geez I thought I was shaking in the chair. My surgeon said most ppl are just uncomfortable he took mine out and I just started seeing pretty colors and the room kept getting less clear and i couldn't hear and my mom and my surgeon where getting less and less visable. I just started sipping water and closing my eyes. I thought I was dying im like this is it. My worst nightmare. I'm going to die right here and have time to do what I want to do. It was like that for 7 mins. Then it started to get better. So after 6 oz. of water and a lot of slow breathing I came back. It scared the shit out of me. I cried afterwards b/c I had been so scared. I had talked myself into that is wasn't going to be so bad and it was the worst. I couldn't believe it. I finally got to go home after I was calm and alert. But I couldn't believe what happend. Well I'm going to go do my fave take a shower. I hate those they take so much out of me. But so far im down 24 lbs. YAY!!

I am so glad 2 be home. I enjoyed the hospital b/c they had the pain killers but its so nice to be home. Everything we so smoothly. I was really nervous but all the nurses and everyone made me feel at ease. I had a really rough first few hours till the groggyness from the anesthesia wore off. The first nurse I had was my favorite her name was Stacey. She was amazing, funny and cheerful. I had a lot of visitors the first afternoon. I wasn't awake for most of it but I was glad they came. I got a lot of flowers. I got two dozen roses from my gf she is amazing like that. I got a yellow rose bush from my aunt, uncle and cousins, I also got flowers from my friends and my dad brought me back a simba b/c he was in orlando during my surgery. It has been the worst pain I have ever experienced but it is all worth it. I am so happy to be on my way to my new life. Well I'm going to go zone out for a while. Write more later.

The time is getting closer. Only two weeks now till my surgery. I have an appointment w/ my nutritionist and surgeon on the 12th. I am looking forward to it but also scared. It getting closer and I am getting more nervous but also so excited. it feels like its tomorrow. Every time I look what day it is another week has gone by. Its going by so fast. I am so happy its almost here. So I will be me on the outside and on the inside.