I am 33 years old and I have been overweight for all of my life. I am sick and tired of being, sick and tired.  I have gotten close a couple of times (with the help of diet pills) to being "skinny", but of course it never lasted.  I have always been the "funny" girl who wanted to make others laugh and "shock" them.  However, on the inside I am very self conscious and sad.   I work in sales, in an industry with a reputation of having attractive people. I have never really felt that I have fit in, anywhere.  People who "know" me think of me as outgoing and center of attention...and I am to a point.  But, there is not a room that I walk into and don't think "I am the fattest one here".  There is not a seat that I sit down on that I haven't thought "will I fit".  There isn't a time where I have been comfortable in my own skin.  As I type this I am even wondering why I am sharing all of this - I could just write that I want to be healthy and set a better example for my children, and although that is true I don't think that I will be successful at this UNLESS I am completely honest.  It is a struggle for me to enter my weight and measurements into the tracker but I KNOW that I need to.  Unless I admit to myself exactly what I have done to my body, how can I be successful?  Like most overweight people I have always been secretive about my weight.  I have been with my husband for 14 years and he has no clue what I weigh.  Well, once I decided that I was having this surgery something opened up inside me.  I realized for the first time in my life that I can't keep this a secret and why should I have too.  So, when I tell people that I am having the surgery, I know that they are looking at me different and for the first time I don't care.  I have tried to do it on my own. I have joined the gyms. I have purchased the late night infomercials.  I have sweat to the oldies. I have taken more diet pills then I care to remember (my first being when I was 9 years old).  And nothing worked. So now, I am doing it MY WAY.  I have wanted this surgery for years and even went to a consultation after my Son was born.  Everyone I know is against me having this surgery.  This has been the single most disagreed upon topic between my husband and I in the last 10 years.  However since we separated 8 months ago I really don't need his opinion, support or approval on this matter.  I have support from many people, but I only have understanding from one, my childhood best friend Jodi.  Jodi has lived my weight struggles with me my whole life and although she is worried for me, she supports my decision.  I am not going to lie, I am scared.  I am scared of the surgery.  I am scared of the recovery.  I am scared of having to lose the "fat girl" mask that I have hid behind for so many years.  BUT, I feel empowered by my decision.  I feel that I know what is best for ME and if you can't support that, then you are not someone who I need in my life.  I am SO looking forward to being healthy, to getting active and to setting a good example for my children.  But I think I am most excited about becoming the women that I know I can be.  Someone who enjoys life instead of watches it, someone who gets in there and takes chances instead of worrying what people will think of me.  I CANT WAIT to take my kids on hikes and bike rides.  I can't wait to take them to be beach or water park and just have fun.  I can't wait to look in the mirror and be comfortable in my own skin.  But most of all, I can't WAIT until I realize that my weight isn't the thing I think about 1st all the time.  Meaning when I am walking across a parking lot, in the grocery store, sitting in an airplane seat, an amusement park ride etc..... I just want want to be happy with Me.

About Me
Keyport, NJ
Location
30.1
BMI
May 05, 2010
Member Since

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