malarkey

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I met with my surgeon, nutritionist and psychologist on Thursday, June 26th. I had several vials of labs drawn, I had an EKG and a chest X ray. My BMI was 41. I weighed in at 267.8 pounds. BP was 119/80. Pulse was 70. Pulse Ox - 97. 

Yesterday I had my EGD and Versed and Fentanyl really make for an enjoyable endoscopy!

I've been on a 1500 calorie a day diet. Having to force myself to eat small meals or snacks every few hours. Keeping up with my diet on MyFitnessPal.

Nutritionist wants me walking 3 days a week for at least an hour, this gives me some good time with my dog in our quiet southern neighborhood.

This morning I woke at 6 am to get my walk in because the humidity here is unbearable and even at 6 am the humidity was bad but the sun had no involvement in heating me up.

Son has been really distant from me for the last year. Last night I asked him via Google Chat, "What do I need to do for you to love me." Knowing full and well I can't make him love me, but I wanted to know what was up with him (or me in his eyes). 

Here is what he wrote: 

"Well i do love you its just... no offence but sometimes when I'm at school people look at you strangly   they think your kinda overweight and embarrasing for me   no offence"   First time I've been told this by my own child.    Needless to say it motivated me to get my butt out of bed this morning before I got to work so I could get my walk in.   Had to attend my uncle's funeral. People kept telling me I was pretty which to my negative psyche and low self-esteem says: You're fat and I can't find a nice thing to say about you, "You're pretty."   Mental Tuesday. What can I say.  

 

So my nephew's birthday party is tomorrow. Pool party at 4 pm. My sister-in-law's entire family is all size 0. The judgment is more than apparent. 

I'm too fat to be talked to.

It has been like this for years. I don't see my family for events like this because I'm ashamed.

Anyone else experience this?

I'm not proud of feeling this way, but I don't want the judgment and ridicule and gossiping behind my back.

So I'm married and have two kids, I work 4 days a week for a church. 

My husband's job is changing their insurance on June 1st. We are switching from Medcost to Cigna.

I don't have my insurance card yet. Everyone I've talked to is fairly negative about this surgery.

They think I'm going to extremes. They think I haven't exhausted many diets or exercise programs.

What percentage of people have to have a revision done?

What percentage of people can keep the weight off?

I'm eager to get the ball rolling because I feel like it isn't going to happen.

Lots of questions and explanations to those questions.

I'm more confident that insurance will cover this of course I won't know until we get our new medical cards.

Excited, impatient. Ready to do this.

 

Today is the first day of the steps I take to begin living my life and not being a victim of my weight, a victim of other people's opinions of me. Today is the day I make a stand and say, "I'm doing something about this." 

 

I spoke to my boss and his wife yesterday at lunch (how apropos). They are shocked I am considering this surgery even after I underwent a 30 day juice fast in an attempt to lose 60 pounds. They seem shocked that I would so something so drastic. I don't know if they are afraid that I will have to take time off from work to recover...but I was expecting more of a supportive jilt than what I received. I guess I should expect different outcomes.