Depression sux

Feb 20, 2013

I would have been here sooner, but I forgot my login info and I've been in such a fog, I didn't notice the send my info link.

Maybe I am just seeking some compassion and with that, I am hoping I can get back on track. I have gained 30 lbs in the past year! It's depression and lack of ambition or drive.

Anyways, here I am, life has changed so drastically for me in the past 2 years and I feel as if I am failing myself now.

My youngest son moved out, I knew the day was coming, but it was sooner than planned. I fought to keep my house for several months, but then relented as it was just too big of a house for me alone. I had been robbed and was living in fear of someone coming back in the house with me alone there. So I forfeited my home.

I moved around, 1st at my older sons' home, but that was not a good fit for me, his wife and I are too much alike and besides I did not like living in a 1 horse town, where the sidewalk is rolled up at dark.

So I moved again, with my Mother this time. Tried to repair our broken relationship, but that is never going to happen. I am the oldest of six and realize now, Mom has her favorites and it doesn't include me. A shame at my age to still feel rejection from my Mother of all persons. So I'm staying with Mom, she did everything possible to sabotage me and my eating habits, we fought often over food, her calling me picky, me calling her a carb-o-holic. Well then I dumped a bunch of $ into her home, because the place is falling apart, then she tells me it is being foreclosed on and I must move. So I found a place, mine all mine (small apt) but 8 months later she is still in the house, along with my youngest sister and her son.. now Mom wants me to help bail her out of foreclosure -- while I am filing bankruptcy on bills owed from repairing HER HOME! I give up in the part of my life - I swear I am not her daughter. How very sad.

So I get my own place again, freedom to come and go, eat what I can stomach. However I find cooking for 1 so very depressing, so I don't do that much, why when a bowl of oatmeal will do? So my diet has already been lacking for the past 9 months...

Then a tragedy hit my life, my youngest son was murdered on Sept 8, 2012. I am beside myself, lost hurt and so very sad. Family and friends say, anything you need you say.. but are staying it seems far away from me. That depresses me even more.

I have gained 30 lbs and I want it gone, I still don't eat much at 8 yrs and 3 months post-op, but I make bad choices, since I have zero schedule in my life right now, erratic would be a good way to describe my eating. I have not exercised in over a year.

But I started again on Monday, I don't care if all I do is walk up 9 flights of stairs and walk each floor of my building, it is better than NOT moving at all. Right? I walked 5 miles on Monday, couldn't move on Tuesday (haha) but got up and rode the recumbent bike this morning. I WILL be strong enough again to take my motorcycle on long trips this summer! I will!

So yep, I'm here for motivation and some compassion. Anyone else dealing with this depression at anywhere close to this level? My therapist is just not getting it, I am about to fire her and try another.

L&R, V

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