Mandalious
My Story...
Well, I feel like I have been living in a fog since I was in my early 20's. Always doing things that everyone else wanted me to do. Being very angry about doing it, but still doing it anyway. Never knew until recently that's why I was so angry and bitter towards my family. I moved away when I was in my late teens. Because I was told that that is what I have to do, so I don't get stuck in a small town in a dead end job. So off to the big city of Toronto I went. Didn't know a soul here, complete made for tv movie in the making. Small town young girl moves to big city and meets charming, sweet talking bad ass older man. She falls madly deeply in love with him. Sure part of it was because she was lonely, her parents would hate him and because he was sooo smooth, she believed she would be okay and safe with him.. Seriously?? Haven't I watched enough TV to know how that tacky story line ends..JEEEZE!! Well, after 6 yrs, 2 miscarriages, him being in and out of rehabs and detoxs 4 times, I finally left him. He promptly filed bankruptcy leaving me holding the bag for 80g in debt.
Then I say deep sleep starts... I also like to call it my survival mode. I shut off my brain. I worked 4 part time jobs at one time. Rented a room from a friend's girlfriend. And ate... everything and anything. Never looked at meal times, with all the swing shift, night shifts, I barely knew what day it was. I was determined to get the debt gone, get a stable job and my own place. I'm renting my own place and living alone now (heaven) Have a great career and been there for 8 yrs now and I became debt free in Oct 2013. I did it!!! I did everything I wanted to do... wait. I wanted to become 400 lbs? Yeah, didn't see that on the list.
Well it apparently is was in fine small print on the bottom of the list.. Ignore health and personal well being. Yup.. Antidepressants and 400 lbs was the outcome of my survival mode.
I DID accomplish some great things and came a long way without anyone's help, but I forgot to love myself.
NOW.... and only NOW am I feeling like I'm worthy of love, of loving myself. Letting myself LIVE life and to let myself dream. I have so much I wanna do, to go, to experience. My 400 lbs body won't let me go or do.
NOW Its time for me.. and this surgery. God willing, will give me the fighting chance to get to healthy body weight. That will let me zip line in the rain forest, that will let me help build a school in Africa, that will let me scuba dive and see the great reef. That will let me sit next to my nephew is a roller coaster and scream like a teenager with him and create awesome Auntie memories with him.
Now it's time for me. ...
