The Lost Of The Century

Feb 01, 2010

Hooray, the big 100 has finally reached...I actually reached that on January 15th but have been extremely busy with school and working.  Yeah, its tax time again and its brutual.  Anyway, I am so proud of myself of how much I have accomplished in so little of time.  I mean in less than 4 months, I lost 100 lbs.  That is insane.  Yay Me!

Last week, I went to Goodwill and bought some clothes for myself.  This is the first time I went shopping since I started losing weight.  Everything in my closet is drooping, bagging, or falling off.  They look horrible.  I love going shopping especially when I was a plus size 30/32 (almost 32/34) and now down to a plus size 22/24.  I can actually find clothes and some of them on a clearance rack.  I still have a ways to go but this is huge!  I have always been so overweight that I can't even imagine myself even smaller than I am now.


Well, back to my hectic world.  I just had to post my wow moments.  I love my RNY!



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As Of January 1st, 2010...TAH-DAH!

Jan 02, 2010

Here are my measurements:  (I could kick myself for not taking pre-op meansurements but it is never too late to start)

WEIGHT-277 LBS
TALL-5.5
BMI-46.1(NEEDS TO BE 149 LBS TO HAVE BMI OF 24.8) (NORMAL RANGE OF BMI 18.5-24.9)
CHEST-49 IN
WAIST (AT PANT LINE)-46.5 IN
HIPS (BELOW BELLY BUTTON)-54.5 IN
THIGHS-29.5 IN
CALVES-21 IN
ANKLES-11.25 IN
FEET-10.25 IN
ARMS (THICKEST PART)-16.5 IN
NECK-15 IN
SHOULDERS (ACROSS BACK)-20 IN
BUTT (ACROSS BUTT)-20 IN


GOAL--I HOPE TO HAVE 15 INCHES LOST AND WEIGH 230 LBS BY MY 6 MONTH POST-OP CHECKUP (SHOULD BE END OF MARCH/EARLY APRIL)

Here are my hubby's measurements.  He wanted to keep track to see if he could improve also.

WEIGHT-219 LBS
TALL-6.1
BMI-28.9 (NEEDS TO BE AT 189 LBS TO HAVE OF 24.9 BMI) (NORMAL RANGE OF BMI 18.5-24.9)
CHEST-41 IN
WAIST-42.25 IN
HIPS  (BELOW BELLY BUTTON)-41.25 IN
THIGHS-22.45 IN
CALVES-15.45 IN
ANKLES-10 IN
FEET-10 IN
ARMS (THICKEST PART)-14.5 IN
NECK-18.25 IN
SHOULDERS (ACROSS BACK)-20 IN
BUTT (ACROSS BUTT)-15 IN


I am now 3 mos post-op (9/29/09) and here are some WOW moments I am thrilled I had:

1.) EVEN THOUGH I AM STILL WEARING SIZE 30/32, MY CLOTHES FIT BETTER, I WAS ABLE TO WEAR THE JEANS I GOT FROM LAST CHRISTMAS AS A GIFT FROM MY MOTHER.  I COULD NOT EVEN GET THEM PAST MY CALVES.

2.) I GOT RID OF 3 PAIRS OF JEANS OTHERWISE THEY WOULD FALL DOWN IF I WORE THEM.

3.) I AM FINALLY TELLING THE TRUTH ON MY DRIVERS LICENSE WHICH FOR THE PAST 5 YEARS SAID I WEIGHED 280 LBS.  I CAN'T WAIT TIL I CAN LOWER THAT NUMBER.

4.) MY GRANDPA SAID I HAVE A SMALLER BUTT.  I THINK IT IS WEIRD HE EVEN SAID THAT BUT IT HAS TO BE TRUE IF HE WAS THE ONE TO NOTICE.

5.) SPEAKING OF MY BUTT, I AM AMAZED THAT I HAVE ROOM WHEN I GO SEE A MOVIE NOW.

6.) MY WINTER JACKET (5X) I JUST GOT LAST WINTER IS JUST HANGING ON ME.  I COULD GO DOWN PROBABLY TO A 3X-4X IF I WANTED TO.

7.) MY DAUGHTER SAYS I AM NOT FAT ANYMORE.

8.) EVERYONE THINKS MY FACE IS MUCH THINNER.

9.) MY HUBBY THINKS I AM SEXIER.

10.) I CAN NOW WEIGH ON A REGULAR SCALE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE NOW THAT I AM UNDER 300 LBS AND NOT THAT FAT PERSON SCALE ANYMORE.

11.) I CAN WORK OUT AND WALK UP THE STAIRS WITHOUT HUFFING AND PUFFING ANYMORE.

12.) I NOW AM OFF OF MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS AS OF 12/30/09 (HAVE BEEN ON THEM SINCE I WAS 16).  I AM SLEEPING ALOT BETTER.  MAYBE MY SLEEP APNEA IS GOING AWAY.  I BELIEVE MY ACID REFLUX HAS GONE AWAY.  I AM WAITING RESULTS OF MY AC1 TO SEE IF I AM STILL CONSIDERED PRE-DIABETIC.  I AM ALSO WAITING ON A FULL PANEL OF BLOOD WORK TO CHECK LOW IRON FOR POSSIBLE ANEMIA SINCE I WAS CLOSE TO IT BEFORE SURGERY.
**Update Jan 5th, 2010- I received lab results from my doctor and it was good news.  All my blood work for red and white blood cells, iron (right in the middle), potassium, sodium, iron (12.1), calcium, and such is all in normal range.  Potassium is 0.1 of being on the very edge of the normal range so I will have to eat more bananas or take potassium pills.  Also my AC1 was 5.2 and it was 6.3 before surgery which qualified my for pre-diabetes.  Yay!  I am out of that threat for now.  I couldn't be happier!

13.) SUSAN (MY DAD'S GIRLFRIEND) THINKS I WILL BE IN A BIKINI BY SUMMER.  I TOLD HER NO WAY BECAUSE I HAVE ALOT OF WORK TO DO BEFORE THAT HAPPENS BUT IT STILL MAKE MADE ME SMILE.

14.) I DON'T MIND HAVING MY PICTURES TAKEN; MY DOUBLE CHIN IS NOW GOING AWAY.  I HAVE NOW REALIZED I AM BEAUTIFUL!

15.) SO FAR I HAVE MET MY MONTHLY PERSONAL GOALS (OCTOBER-TO BE DOWN 20 LBS, NOVEMBER-TO BE DOWN ANOTHER 20LBS, DECEMBER-TO BE AT 280 LBS).

THAT IS QUITE A LIST.  I DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS THAT MANY WOW MOMENTS BUT OH DOES IT FEEL GOOD!

10 Things I Am Grateful For:

1.) MY 2 WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, AND HEALTHY DAUGHTERS (AGES 2 AND 7)

2.) MY 7 YEAR MARRIAGE TO MY HUSBAND WHICH HAS BEEN ON THE EDGE FOR QUITE SOME TIME

3.) MY GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY BECAUSE NOW I AM HAVING WOW MOMENTS

4.) MY IMPROVING HEALTH CONDITIONS

5.) FOR FINISHING ANOTHER YEAR OF COLLEGE

6.) MY FAMILY-BROTHERS, SISTERS, DAD, SUSAN (DAD'S GIRLFRIEND) FRIENDS-MICKE, AMY (BRENNA'S MOM), AND KATHARINE (IN VIRGINIA).  KATHARINE IS MY BEST FRIEND AND HAS BEEN MY ROCK FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS NOW.

7.) MY HUBBY STILL HAS HIS JOB AT UPI EVEN THOUGH HE GETS PAID CRAPPY

8.) THE ROOF OVER MY HEAD, FOOD ON THE TABLE, AND 2 WORKING VEHICLES

9.) TO HAVE HEALTH AND CAR INSURANCE

10.) EVERYTHING WE OWN IS OURS AND THAT WE WORKED HARD TO GET IT

OF COURSE, I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO HAVE GOD IN MY LIFE AND MY GUARDIAN ANGELS TO WATCH OVER ME!

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Is It Really Over? Part 2

Dec 30, 2009

So I know it has been awhile since I wrote on my blog but I have been very busy with the Christmas holiday and studying for finals.

Anyway, after my sister came over, I told my hubby I had wanted a divorce so he went to bed all cranky and grumbly.  I was really serious about it.  My sister had slept over so we could talk and she could protect me just in case.  Well, the next day I was out and about trying to figure out what to do next.  My hubby was determined to stay at the house and I didn't want to be anywhere near him.  I had nowhere to go but to the woman's homeless shelter.  I had no where else to go and I felt so alone. but they said they would make room for me and my children.  I didn't think it was fair that I had to take the kids out of their home and beds.  After enough complaining, my hubby gave in to move out but he didn't know where to.  After making a few calls, one of his buddies from work gave him a pastor's number.  When that pastor was reached he had suggested the men's homeless shelter in town.  So after I got my daughter from school, we went right to my dad's house where we waited til my hubby was gone.  We ordered pizza and waited til after 8pm when he saud he would be gone by.  So we went home after we saw the light show at the park.

Needless to say I was a mess, I have never cried that hard in my life.  Here was a guy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and it was over.  I was alone that weekend.  I never had anyone to call or stop in to see if I needed anything or just a shoulder to cry on.  It is a ugly, big world when your family does that to you.

Anyway, I have agreed that my hubby could come back home to live the day before Christmas eve.  He was at the shelter almost 2 weeks and hated it but I say Oh well.  He was only able to come back after he had met my requests.  I wanted something in writing about what things he wanted me to change, what will make him happy, how he feels for me, and if he wanted more kids.  He also had to schedule counseling and that is scheduled for Feb 3rd.  He better change and go to counseling or I can't be with him.  I have given him so many chances to be with me, the one who he is suppose to love and support forever and ever.  Anyway, I just got done writing a list of things I want him to change.  There are 11 changes on here versus the 4 I think he had on my list.  He wants me to pretty much help with chores and get a job.  I start my job in a couple of weeks but I think at that time he still wouldn't be happy. 

I had found out that the housing  and apartments that are income based waiting lists around a year out so if things don't get better at least I will have money in Feb and March when I am working, get my financial aid refund, and my tax refund back.  That would be the perfect time to get out and move on.  I found out that divorce is not cheap either and it is such a lengthy process.  All it takes is a court minister, 2 I do's, a couple signatures, and the marriage certificate fee and you are married.  When you get a divorce it seems like you need the whole city.  If I went through pro se it will cost around $575 and you have to do the work yourself.  Well, this is the end of what came out to be something horrible, I am hoping it will work and I can honestly say I did whatever it took to save my marriage.  I love that man but he better show me that he loves me too.

I will try to post again tomorrow.  I would like to post a couple of wow moments and how incredible this journey is.

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Is It Really Over?

Dec 13, 2009

I really hate my life right now and I just wish it would get better fast.  All I do is cry, pray, and go over and over things in my mind that have happened in the past 7 years.  Thursday December 10th, I kicked my husband out of my life. Here is what happened.

We were fighting about the normal crap we usually do.  Russ is always mad at me for not doing enough with him or for him.  He thinks I am useless, lazy, fat bitch who sits all day and should get a job.  He really hates me for going back to school so I can finish my degree so I can take care of him and the family when I graduate.  I start my job back at Liberty Tax Service next month again.  This past tax season, he got mad at me for working at all hours of the night.  I tried to explain to him that I can't leave til the work is done.  I was getting paid and I love what I did.  He seemed to be mad at me then for not spending alot of time at home.  I can't win there.  I have been looking for a job in the past couple of monthes and I would be terribly stressed if I felt the financial burden.  In a way I do since I pay bills but I just feel for Russ.  He works at a dead end job with no benefits and works himself to the bone with little pay.  But I guess in this economy anyone with a job is sure lucky.  He does resent me for going to college and not working.  I didn't think it bothered him.  I was working for our future and at the same time saving on daycare.  I really didn't mean to hurt anyone. 

However, on Thursday he also mentioned that I kicked him out of our marriage.  He states that I treat him like crap and he feels low on the totem pole.  That maybe if I would have given him more attention, that he may be happier.  He said I always push him away and make everyone a top priority.  I tried to explain to him that I am more than just a wife and a mother.  I am a sister, daughter, student, and an individual trying to better herself.  I know it is hard to understand when you are an only child and his parents not giving him much attention.  Anyway, he works during the day and when he gets home I am rushing off running errands, going to class or support group, or working out.  I wish he would just find an out so he would be happier with himself.  He would feel like a person too and not feel so stressed.  I feel bad that I have to run off all the time but I do have to admit that I do go to the Stretch with my sister sometimes.  Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to.  When I am available at night around 10pm, then Russ is so tired and about ready to fall asleep.  I am up really late doing homework so I am still pumped.  So we are lucky to get a half an hour or so in to spend time together but he doesn't count that because he is too tired.  He doesn't family time is spending time together either.  On weekends, I sleep in.  I wish he would wake me so I can get up with kids.  He is tired and he needs to relax.  So how is it that we are suppose to spend time together?  I have no freaking idea but it has caused another issue in our marriage.

So that night the discussion got heated and I told him I didn't want to talk anymore, that I was done, meaning divorce.  So I come and sit down on the computer to start homework.  He insists that he isn't done talking and I should listen.  Of all the times I want him to talk and be honest, this was not one of the times.  So as I am continuing on the computer, he is becoming angry because I wasn't looking him in the eye and try to hear what he has to say.  So he kept turning the computer monitor off and I kept turning it back on.  Then he said if I want a divorce then fine but he would haunt me.  I told him that he shouldn't say that and to go to bed and I still want a divorce.  So he got up from kneeling beside me, tipped me almost completely over on the chair, snapped my neck back, squeezed my head, and hurt my eye.  He almost instantanously realized what he has done was wrong.  It was like he double blinked, his anger left, and he just stood there ashamed of himself.  I just cried and he wanted to come over and see if there was damage.  This was the second time he went after me.  So not only does he emotionally abuse me by calling me every name in the book but this also happens. 

I told him to get the fuck away from me and to never touch me again.  I was wondering who I was going to call so I ran to the bathroom to see if there was any marks.  There wasnt any but boy did my cheek hurt but everything seemed fine.  He even goes to the extreme by unlocking the bathroom door to see if I was fine.  I just told him to go away, that I need to be alone.  I had thought about calling the police but there were no marks and I knew it would be a he said, she said thing.  I also remembered my mom went through with my father.  I decided to go outside to have a cigarette and I text my sister to come quickly that I was hurt.  Boy, does she hate snow but once she heard that, she was here in 15 minutes.  I didn't know what was to happen next.  (I am off to bed but I will post more on this in the next couple of days.)

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2 Mos Post-Up

Nov 23, 2009

I stepped on the scale today to be pleasantly surprised.  I now weigh 298lbs!  I cannot even imagine when the last time I weighed that.  I am so thankful to be under 300lbs.  I still wear the same sizes like a 30-32 or a 4x; however, I lost a pair of jeans because they were bigger on me to begin with.  So all in all, I am down 69lbs from when my journey took place in January.  This means I am one lb shy of 50lbs in two monthes.  This is another wow moment for me.  I have not worked out in a week because I am sick.  I have a sinus infection and I feel it turned into something in the chest.  When I went to drs to get antibiotics, he told me my bloop pressure was 110/80.  I was surprised.  I think it was that low when I was sedated for my carpel tunnel surgeries.  My usual was always 140's/90's.  Anyway, I hope to get back to the gym this week, maybe before Thanksgiving.  I had people tell me they can notice a difference in me especially in the face and the butt.  I feel weirded out that people are looking at my rear.  I rather the weight comes off my breast and belly first but I think it is coming off all over.  I look at myself everyday and I don't notice much of a change.  I see that my double chin is almost gone and the numbers on the scale but I don't really see the changes.  I know that sounds weird but I am not sure what to expect or maybe I can't accept I am becoming someone new.  It is almost frightening.  I hope to discover myself as more weight comes off; it just is hard knowing that you were overweight since 5 yrs old.  Mom used to tell me that the drs got worried that I wasn't eating and I was too skinny before the age of 5.  What were they thinking?  What! They give me a little food and then I couldn't stop. It is like a pringles commercial I think.  Or I could blame my mom for eating 2lbs of m&ms a day when she was pregnant with me.  That wouldn't work because only I control what I put in my mouth and how much.  I never knew how much of an emotional eater I really am tell I had the RNY done.  It really is a different lifestyle.

As far as my marriage goes, things are still bad.  In fact, last night I asked for a divorce.  I had come home from the hospital visiting me grandmother and my hubby was upstairs shaving.  He was having an intense conversation with himself.  I decided to go upstairs to listen in.  He was mocking me, calling me lots of swear words, and saying I was a useless, fat, and lazy person who just sits at home all day and doesn't have a job and if I wanted a divorce I knew where the courthouse is and how much he doesn't love me.  After my hubby came downstairs, I confronted him about it.  He said he was just angry and caught up in the moment and none of it was true.  I say he is lying. Why would he lie to himself in the mirror and thought I was not even home.  Anyway, I told him I wanted a divorce.  He said he couldn't live without me because he is afraid of being alone.  I asked him what he wanted from me and he said to help out around the house.  He thinks I don't do anything at home like taking care of the kids, homework, errands, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, and some cleaning is nothing.  Then I told him the root of our problem was the whole kid thing.  If he would have been honest to me in the beginning, we may not have a problem or got married.  He said that he was thinking the other day and he was considering another child.  I say, "HORSE CRAP."  He has been saying since Ally was conceived how he didn't want any more kids.  I think this is just a way for him to hold on to me.  I feel bad though.  I could be a better wife by being Betty Crocker but I try to explain to him that being heavy and having my medical problems really puts a toll on your body.  I told him it will get better or I hope it does.  He has never been fat or have medical problems.  The kids always called him bean pole.  He was too fricking skinny.  I wish that was a case for me.  Anyway, I am so confused.  I love him with all my heart.  I want to grow old with him, have more kids, and a house with him but I just don't see it.  I can't throw away a lifelong dream of having a big family (wanted 6 kids but maybe only 4 would be ok).  I hope that is being too selfish.  I have been open and honest with him since the first day.  We still have other issues but boy there is still no making love.  I feel like a virgin again.  I also am serious about divorce.  If I had a place, I could take the kids, I would.  I know it would be so hard and I probably will be sad for along time but it may be for the better.  I don't know what would become of him.  He doesn't earn alot of money and to pay child support and live off of that income would probably not work for him.  We are poor now living in one household.  The housing list has a wait list over a year long and the jobs are none around here.  I am thinking I will have to wait til Spring if I wanted to do something about it since that is when we usually have more money.   I am a fighter and want to make it work.  Heck, I just don't know.  It would be easier if we could just agree on things, make up, and go on are merry way but it may not be like that at all.

I also have an issue with my mother.  We are barely speaking as of now.  I seem like I am never good enough for her.  I am always making some mistake or not respecting her enough in her eyes.  When is enough, ENOUGH.  I love, respect, and would do anything for her so I don't understand.  She says I just get defensive and I don't know how to stick up for myself.  Gee, it comes from a mentally and verbally abusive father and all the teasing I got in school for being overweight.  My mom was also my best friend.  I could cry on her shoulders and she would try to take the pain away.  But now that she has been with Jon, she has changed.  She seems to push a lot of people away to only say that she is living the happy life she always wanted.  I am truly happy for her.  She was a victim of my father for many years and had a horrible childhood life; I am glad now is the time of her life.  I just don't understand why she wouldn't stop anything to help her kids or why she can't try harder to establish and maintain the relationship.  I am not perfect and I know I make many mistakes but I am the one who is trying to make up with her.  I am the one who gets lectured and gets a mental beat down on how wrong I was and I better change from this day forward.  I better become "the person" she wants me to be.
  I am so tired, so, so tired of all the fighting and swallowing what I want to say to my mother and I know if I say them, our relationship will be over possibly forever.  She simply thinks she is never wrong so I know it will destroy our relationship.  I want to tell her that she sucks at being a grandmother.  She lives 2 minutes away from us and maybe comes over once a year to see the girls.  I always have to go over there with them.  She never just calls to see how they are doing, or if she can pick them up to get ice cream or to have a sleepover with them.  Never..she doesn't try.  When I asked in the past if she could watch the girls for something important, there was always an excuse.  There was always she is too young, or I am too tired, too sick, or too busy.  Anyways, I always have to call her.  Why can't she call me and ask me how I am doing?  Why can't she just be there for me especially in a time like this?  I am trying really hard to improve myself by getting healthier but in the same time, I feel like there isn't support from anyone close to me.  Why can't she just be there when I need her and why do we always fight?  Why wasn't she there for my RNY surgery?  The biggest thing that has happened since I gave birth and got married.  I didn't have any of my parents there. I was alone and I hate it.  I hate to be alone.  I just want to move on and have things like they used to be where people didn't hold grudges or are stubborn.  I want to be apart of a happy and loving family.  


Maybe I am asking too much but I need to find some sort of peace in all of this... I can't find myself unless I find solutions in all of my craziness.
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An Emotional Rollercoaster

Oct 22, 2009

I had my three week surgeon/dietician visit yesterday October 21st, 2009.  I was kind of excited but nervous at the same time.  When I got there, they weighed me and I didn't know what to expect since I was drinking all the way there.  When I hopped on it said 322lbs.  I was happy because this is what my scale at said at home.  Dr. Silverhus had said I was on the right path and typically no one drops more than 30lbs in the first three weeks.  I had started my journey in the beginning of January weighing 367lbs and my health was deteoriating (pre-diabetic, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, cholestrol on watch, tad bit anemic, acid reflux).  Now in the past three weeks I can tell of my body change.  My face has thinned out and I lost inches around my waist and butt.  My grandfather noticed I had a smaller butt.  The morning I weighed in, I weighed 347lbs but Dr. Silverhus took the weight from the last time I saw him which was 351lbs.  It doesn't really matter when I weighed what but I do know I lost 47 lbs as of today and I feel great about it.  I feel like I am sleeping better and my clothes are a lot bigger.  I can't wait til I can fit into these jeans that have been sitting in my closest since last christmas.  My mom thought they would fit me so I told her they will, just not yet.  Any who, I now start to take stool softeners for constipation, vitamin B-12 which I found some that go under the tongue, iron tablets, actigall (take for 6 mos) which I have to pick up from the paramacy as of tomorrow, birth control, and lisinpril for high blood pressure.  I have been having a scratchy throat and just beat.  I usually go to bed really late to do homework but as of this week, I am in bed by 11:30pm and I sleep like a log.  I was only able to work out this week on Monday because I think I am coming down with something.  I am also going through a hard time in my life as far as it goes with my mother and husband.  My mom wouldn't talk to me because she thinks I told her its all about her and that she is mad that I have been trying to work things out with my father.  My hubby and I are talking about seperating.  He isn't sure if he is still madly in love with me anymore but he does know that he loves me.  He also mentioned that he isn't physically attractive to me anymore.  He didn't know when he lost that or why that is, it just is.  He thinks I am selfish and self-centered because I never make quality time for him because I am working out or doing school things.  He thinks I have low self esteem issues and I know I do.  I have been fat all my life and have been pretty friendless but I know this surgery will change it around.  I want to become healthier and skinner for me so I can live longer and be there for my kids, not for my hubby or whomever.  My hubby and I have not made love in over 2 monthes and he blames all of these reasons for it.  There has been no cuddling, spooning, kissing a lot, etc, etc.  I don't know what else to do and I hate that I don't have answers.  I made an appointment to talk to a counselor Nov.11.  I wish I could get into there sooner but with the economy bringing everyone down, they must all be depressed.  I want to get help for myself because now I can't turn to food, alcohol, gum, caffeine, cigs for comfort.  I tried to focus my stress while I exercise but it only gets so far.  I don't understand how my hubby can't answer my questions and can't tell me how he loves me if he still does.  We will see what the road takes us but every single time we cuddle, my heart breaks.  Every single time we kiss, I want to cry because I am not sure its there for me.  I hope to God we can figure something out because the atmosphere here is bad.  Well, I hope next time I report I will know more and much more skinnier.  Thanks.
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About Me
Location
32.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/29/2009
Surgery Date
Sep 02, 2009
Member Since

Friends 5

Latest Blog 6

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