mandiemac
Is It Really Over?
Dec 13, 2009
I really hate my life right now and I just wish it would get better fast. All I do is cry, pray, and go over and over things in my mind that have happened in the past 7 years. Thursday December 10th, I kicked my husband out of my life. Here is what happened.We were fighting about the normal crap we usually do. Russ is always mad at me for not doing enough with him or for him. He thinks I am useless, lazy, fat bitch who sits all day and should get a job. He really hates me for going back to school so I can finish my degree so I can take care of him and the family when I graduate. I start my job back at Liberty Tax Service next month again. This past tax season, he got mad at me for working at all hours of the night. I tried to explain to him that I can't leave til the work is done. I was getting paid and I love what I did. He seemed to be mad at me then for not spending alot of time at home. I can't win there. I have been looking for a job in the past couple of monthes and I would be terribly stressed if I felt the financial burden. In a way I do since I pay bills but I just feel for Russ. He works at a dead end job with no benefits and works himself to the bone with little pay. But I guess in this economy anyone with a job is sure lucky. He does resent me for going to college and not working. I didn't think it bothered him. I was working for our future and at the same time saving on daycare. I really didn't mean to hurt anyone.
However, on Thursday he also mentioned that I kicked him out of our marriage. He states that I treat him like crap and he feels low on the totem pole. That maybe if I would have given him more attention, that he may be happier. He said I always push him away and make everyone a top priority. I tried to explain to him that I am more than just a wife and a mother. I am a sister, daughter, student, and an individual trying to better herself. I know it is hard to understand when you are an only child and his parents not giving him much attention. Anyway, he works during the day and when he gets home I am rushing off running errands, going to class or support group, or working out. I wish he would just find an out so he would be happier with himself. He would feel like a person too and not feel so stressed. I feel bad that I have to run off all the time but I do have to admit that I do go to the Stretch with my sister sometimes. Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to. When I am available at night around 10pm, then Russ is so tired and about ready to fall asleep. I am up really late doing homework so I am still pumped. So we are lucky to get a half an hour or so in to spend time together but he doesn't count that because he is too tired. He doesn't family time is spending time together either. On weekends, I sleep in. I wish he would wake me so I can get up with kids. He is tired and he needs to relax. So how is it that we are suppose to spend time together? I have no freaking idea but it has caused another issue in our marriage.
So that night the discussion got heated and I told him I didn't want to talk anymore, that I was done, meaning divorce. So I come and sit down on the computer to start homework. He insists that he isn't done talking and I should listen. Of all the times I want him to talk and be honest, this was not one of the times. So as I am continuing on the computer, he is becoming angry because I wasn't looking him in the eye and try to hear what he has to say. So he kept turning the computer monitor off and I kept turning it back on. Then he said if I want a divorce then fine but he would haunt me. I told him that he shouldn't say that and to go to bed and I still want a divorce. So he got up from kneeling beside me, tipped me almost completely over on the chair, snapped my neck back, squeezed my head, and hurt my eye. He almost instantanously realized what he has done was wrong. It was like he double blinked, his anger left, and he just stood there ashamed of himself. I just cried and he wanted to come over and see if there was damage. This was the second time he went after me. So not only does he emotionally abuse me by calling me every name in the book but this also happens.
I told him to get the fuck away from me and to never touch me again. I was wondering who I was going to call so I ran to the bathroom to see if there was any marks. There wasnt any but boy did my cheek hurt but everything seemed fine. He even goes to the extreme by unlocking the bathroom door to see if I was fine. I just told him to go away, that I need to be alone. I had thought about calling the police but there were no marks and I knew it would be a he said, she said thing. I also remembered my mom went through with my father. I decided to go outside to have a cigarette and I text my sister to come quickly that I was hurt. Boy, does she hate snow but once she heard that, she was here in 15 minutes. I didn't know what was to happen next. (I am off to bed but I will post more on this in the next couple of days.)
