Marine_Princess81

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I Am Ugly

My eyes to you are nothing like an ocean

Anything so beautiful or lovely to your eye.

Are they not lovely polished stones with waves?

Perfect stones which represent my emotion?

Beneath perfected covers to shield from the sun

Or to hide your handsome face for a brief moment

They seem to you to be the deepest of all caves

In which all my darkness shadows all bits of light

Conquering the buttery yellow from a hot star

Riding across a battle field like the greatest Knight!

But you are wrong about my double ordinary eyes, O Love

What you see on my unattractive face is a terrible scar.

 

What is it that you see when you stare at that scar?

The same as my hair which should wave like an ocean

I know it is not the light in the sky that twinkles like a star.

Why is it that you cant run your fingers in my hair, Love?

When you look at me why is it that you feel no emotion?

My beautiful hair must lurk in the creepy darkness of caves

And it pains me that my flowing hair is what pains your eye.

The reflection from my strands is dull and there is no light

When it’s the breath of the wind blowing there are no waves

Why is it, my Love, that you try not to be my shining Knight?

Cant you give in to my repulsive exterior, just for a moment?

I cant take away the lack of shine in my hair that should be sun.

 

My breasts are not tanned by the warming light of the sun

The places where your hands must touch have formed a scar

Caress my chest with your hands for a single blissful moment

Let me feel some beauty within; a tiny bit of love-emotion

Before my heart breaks to pieces from it’s loveless caves

There are none so sad as I that are drowning in this loveless ocean

I wished upon the distraction of my chest to catch your falling eye

A single kiss I would have loved, maybe few smiles or some waves

Off you ran away from my unlovely figure like a traveling Knight

Riding away fast on his white horse trying to reach a far-away star

My breasts just ache for your trembling hands, my one and only Love

Why when you’ve longed for so long, my breasts cease to light?

 

My unappealing, uncurved midriff shows and you shut off the light

You’ve stolen away my source of power I feed off of like a sun

What I want more than this fatty bubble, is a lovely dip of a cave

I feel your warm hands softly touching at my button for a quick moment

A small tickle of surprise makes me feel alive with emotion

Becomes my repulsive self you don’t mean to scar

My midriff is not that of a maiden that shall be saved by her Knight

At the sight of me I can see the sad turn of your eye

Without my pain as my tears fall from mine as waves

A single chance to show you I can be, what you love.

Instead of swimming through rejection vast as the ocean,

I could be your gorgeous queen and shimmer as bright as a star.

 

Is it the shape of my nose that makes me less of a star?

Its crooked point that is so big as to block the light?

I can see you shudder as you see my face in this moment,

Wanting to turn away and retreat like a Knight

Back into the depths of the deep sinking ocean.

My repugnant nose in the reflection of your eye

Repulses you as you hide away in moonless caves,

That trap away all of your loving emotion.

My nose is but a blur in your sight like white-cap waves

A mark of disgust on my body as you stare at my lovely scar

Becoming more dull to oppose the eyeful sun,

My nose is an ugly facet that I wish you could love.

 

What about my neck you appall, my dearest Love?

My pale milky white skin is not a match for a star,

So I sit to think for one heartless, dead moment:

A lustful fantasy of a neck poked with the tongue of her Knight

Is a want I cannot have, only in the depth of my emotion.

Now I cannot tell what it is in your eye

There is no light but the dark of an underground cave

Or the astounding blue of a flowing ocean.

Just my neck, the one that seems to have been a scar

A boring white mound of flesh that reflects no light,

Even from that of a flash or something as bright as sun,

Cannot produce the smooth sensation of beautiful waves.

 

By hips do not posses those hourglass waves!

I am not the curvy lascivious woman you feel to love.

My sides curve in so deep, they’re as profound as a cave

A disproportional being, you laugh with light!

Why is it my heart that you must see to scar?

Drown my ugly self down beneath an ocean,

But don’t look back until you see the close of my eye.

Slaughter my hips with your sword, O Knight!

Make me beautiful so I shine like the Sun!

Take away my deformity just for the moment, 

And throw me to the sky to hang like a star!

Make it so that I finally share some emotion.

 

What is it about my mouth that makes you lack emotion?

The piercing string of sound that I release in waves,

You push so far away from me that it can reach a star.

If you could listen for a tiny solitary moment

I could make a fire between us strong like a sun.

Shining brightly off the armour of a Knight

I could make us feel like we’re swimming in ocean.

But my mouth is big and too dark like a cold cave

That all my words are released and draw a scar.

With my mouth I long to taste you, my only Love

With the wet from my tongue I could make you see light.

All this could happen if I weren’t such a burn to your eye.

 

Tell me again, O Love, even though I see it in your eye!

A blanket of shadows you turn into loathing emotion.

My hands to you are what love to snatch away the sun

And dip it to it’s death in the cold lifeless ocean

Where it can float helplessly among the rolling waves

Attempting as it’s drowning to maintain it’s ray of light.

My hands are what make the entrance to scary caves

And what bring down the brave, battling Knight.

They are not what decorate the sky with stars

But what I long to touch you with, my lustful Love.

One true feeling in this last fake moment.

 

Is it my legs that you cant bear for a moment?

The pair of thick fatty mass that haunts your eye?

What must I do to have them glow like a star

And decorate them in bright golden waves?

As you stare you’d be able to feel their light

And caress their skin with water from the ocean.

I wouldn’t have to hide my legs in suffering caves

Instead they could tan in the burning from the sun.

I could be loved and be felt by my Knight

And experience all the greatness of bliss-emotion.

All in a reality that doesn’t exist I have all that love,

Playing at me until my legs become the rest of the scar.

 

When will I be rid of my self-inflicted scar?

My abhorrent body suffering in a deathful moment?

Never will I be able to see that blinding light,

Or be able to feel that wonderful surge of emotion.

I’ll be stuck in a world of endless waves

And be burned by the piercing heat from the sun.

When will I be able to be a gorgeous star?

And be swept off my feet by my handsome Knight?

Will I ever be able to catch his powerful eye?

Or will I just drown in the abyss of freezing ocean?

What is done is done, I try to think of my Love

As I cower down at the foot of my cave.

 

Crying deep rivers as I sit in my cave,

I can feel the undesirable burning of my scars

That make this the one true hurting moment.

I wish that I could stand in the sand and be swallowed by waves

And live the rest of my time underneath the shining stars.

I long for the fiery kiss from my burning Love

Held in passion under the blushing sun.

All I want is to show all where you can find the light

And capture the scent of dire emotion.

My ugly reflection in the corner of your eye

It is final that I watch the final turn from my Knight

And my head sinks under and I fall beneath the hungry ocean.

 

Under my last shining scar is a fade of my Knight;

A breaking light dying out from a twinkling star

I fall into a death in my cave of hurting emotion

Feeling the waves passing over me in my final moment.

My eye sees the last of the never-ending ocean

And my Love still sees that I am nothing like the sun.

hey you guys, we are in Okinawa, and in house. We arrived here on Sept 5th after a long long almost 27 hour flight, we got here. We stayed in temp lodging for the first two weeks. We where offered a two bedroom house and we took it. We live in a small 545 sqft house, so much smaller then our home in Nc that we bought but we'll make it home. My son will finally start school on Monday, after missing a month of school due to us moving here and paper work that we had to get filled out, that no one told us about.. Long story on that..
I do have my drivers Licens to Drive her, and sweet red car. It's so cute, i have learned my way around this tiny island from bae to base, being that our commissary is on another base, my son goes to school on a different base, and my husband works on another. I haven't met the Gastrologist here yet, i hope to get in with that group soon. I heard they are some of the best in Military medical field.
Jeremy my husband is leaving on Oct 1st through Nov 10th, i think, He is going to Thialand for the month. When we checked in and i met my husband command they said kiss him good bye you won't see him 10 months out of the year. he will be home two weeks gone 6 home like 8 weeks gone 2, here and there.. I was like Great so we went from him being gone on deployments 9-12 months a year to him being home and gone a lot.. Nothing new. As long as he doesn't have bad guys shooting at him we're good, and with these little short trips he can totally bring me back some goodies.. so there is an upside. he'll go to asturalia, thialand, south korea, tiwan and a few other little countries.
Okinawa is very tropical, the water around this island is so beautiful, the people here are so friendly, i will post photos once we get the house in order, We just got internet on monday so its taken me a while to email family and friends and now you guys. i didn't forget you guys. Oh our winter here is lows 55 highs 75 i'm like thats not winter, thats a nice spring day..lol 
We had to leave our boxer Roxy behind with my brother in Le Juene, my son was heart broken. Well we came across a person who has a littler of boxers for adoption, we are going to suprise Alex on Saturday and pick our new baby girl up. 
I think it will cure my husbands baby blues, and my son's missing roxy blues as well.. 
i haven't weighed myself since my gall bladder surgery on Aug 7th, i was at 156, i'm sure by now i lost a little bit being for the first two weeks we WALKED everywhere, i think one day we went to american village here and walked a good 20 miles just sight seeing. and to go do anything we walked, due to taxi's costing a lot. 
I too have to admit i feel of the wagon, with us living in a hotel and the only thing to eat was fast food, i kind of started to eat a lot of burger king, and fast food.. I felt horrible doing it... We wheren't able to to cook in temp lodging so pizza and burger king and other thing was our meals. 
 now in house, i'm starting to cook healthy again, measuring foods, I also am addicted to muscel Milk protein drinks. Those are awesome, i can't drink a whole one in a day, i think one bottle will take me two days to drink. I know everyone says get your protein from Food but i have a hard time doing that when it was fast food. I also stay full longer adding protein drinks back into my snack time. 
I think before the ball i am going to have hair extentsions placed, i have slowed down on the hair loss, it was never as bad as some have.. So i would like to be able to have a nice hair do, 
Ok i need to go, i will not be a stranger to you guys, i miss everyone there in the states speically my havelock girls.. 
They don't have a support group here, even thought they do the surgeries here.. So i'm not sure if i'm going to be open about my surgery yet or not.. 
I love you guys 
Annmarie 
 
 

We are in Texas now, visiting my family!!!!! having  a great time in the pool or at the beach.
My mom got me two bathing suits one for now and one for Okinawa..Photos are posted don't judge to badly my upper thighs are horrible..
I am now 6 months post op, yesterday.. I am down 100 pounds!!!!! woo hoo,i'm not sure if i take my pre op weight prior to the pre surgery diet, or take my weight from surgery morning. If i take it from pre surgery diet, i have lost 100, if not then i've got  20 more pounds to go before  i break the 100 pounds. Either way i'm feeling great. i've had my doubts of getting to 115 that is Dr.Mac's goal for me with my height.
there have been a few days here and there that i knew i shouldn't have ate things, we are traveling so its hard...
My gail bladder is something eles let me tell you, wow the pain comes and goes. i'm so ready for Aug 7th to get here... we are for sure going to operate that day. Tricare has everything ready to go thank  the lord...
I would like to thank all of ya'll for the support in the last six months...
i hope everyone is having a great summer..Enjoy it..
Annmarie

Well today will be my last blog, and play time on OH until we get to Japan. The moving company is coming Friday morning to pack up our belongings to ship. It takes about two months for all our stuff to get there. WE fly out Sept 3rd and will arrive in Japan late the 5th or early the 6th... I'm ready for the move to be over with. So much drama with our families that its unreal.
By some mircle I got tricare to approve my gall bladder surgery yesterday. I will now have to wait until Aug 7th, cutting it very very close, but it will be done. I pray i will be fine.
We leave next Tuesday June 30th, to travle to the top of MI to visit jeremy's family, then around the 9th of july we'll drive to the bottom of TX to visit my family..Then make our way back here until we fly out. We will be covering 4,000 miles in driving and i'm not a happy camper about it.  No one is willing to help pay for this trip, nor where they willing to come here. I rather not go but we have things planned out with the movers that shipping tomorrow our belonging will get there Sept 1st and we won't have to wait on them, once we get there.
We do not have renters yet, not even a bite.. So i'm very nervous and uneasy feeling.  I just wish thing would have happen sooner for us, our finace has taken for ever to go through, and we are in a time crunch...
I believe i'm doing ok with weight lost, wish it was a little more, but i seem to loose about 2 pounds a week. I was never a big looser, or a fast looser... I just hope i make it to my goal weight..
I hope that the support  groups, J-Ville and Havelock/New Bern still meet up. There are a few new comers to the groups that i have met. I know you guys will welcome them with open arms.
I do have myspace, and a cell phone. I will have my cell phone on until the day we fly out to japan. My cell phone will allow  me to check myspace, but this page has to may flash advertising so i can't check it. I also am a Texting queen.
While at my mom's i'll hop on the comp at night so i'll be able to update anyone. i will take my photos like i do, but won't be able to post them until we get to japan...
I think that covers just about everything, i wish all the newbies all the luck in the world with up coming surgeries, and all the ones on the looser bench thanks for your support.. This is an amazing website, and my support group ladies are awesome as well.I hope once i get to Okinawa Japan that i'll be able to find a support group, and enjoy them as much as i enjoy our get togethers.
If you want my cell phone Private message me, and you can look  me up on myspace under
Annmarie Osborn Havelock NC
Take care everyone
xoxox
Annmarie

up date on Me... so i finally caved and went to the ER last night.. ugh sat there for three hours before i got pulled back, had a jerkass for a doctor who wanted to tell me the pain i was having was one i was preggers, or two ovrain cyst. So he order and ultrasound of my stomach area.. oooh to much of his surprise it was my gall bladder... hummm.. i have two stones, and sludge in there... 
He wanted to prep me for surgery last night, and i said i rather have dr.mac take it out.. i love dr.mac and so didn't not like this ER doc at all... 
So i got to be stuck 6 times one bag of fluid and sent home... 
so now i sit and wait for Dr.Mac's office to call me back to set up a time for surgery.. 
I spoke with Bobby Lo at Dr.Mac's office today, i have an appointment on the 9th, to start my pre op paper work, then i spoke to the surgical cordinator. She saved me a spot for June 19th.. Since Dr.Mac is going to be gone the rest of June, and in to July, and we will be gone all of July to visit family before we move... So i'm ready to get this over with, its been hurting quite badly the last few days... 
Thanks for all whom was concerned and replied to my posts.... You guys are awesome!!!! 
Annmarie 

 

 

Well i am 4 months out on May 9th, i look great, feel great but i'm disappointed with my weight lost.. I'm not sure if i hit a stall or not.... There has been so many crazy things going on in my life right now with our big move coming up that i think i'm stress eating? not sure.. i know i don't get in enough protein in a day.. that maybe be a reason, i work out everyday....
i'm just disappointed is all...  i've only lost 10 pounds in amonth. WTF...
I really don't eat carbs, sugars make me a little ill but not like dumping ill... I'm worried that i'm rolling back into bad habbits again and i'll fail at this... I do write down everything i eat, and chart it on fitday.com
We'll see i hope it picks back up and the scale starts to move again..
Annmarie 

Myspace Countdowns, Fun Countdowns at WishAFriend.comWell today, my son and I went through our medical screening to move to Okinawa Japan.
You see in the military  before they send you over seas you go through a medical screening to make sure the base your going to is going to be able to accept you. As in if you need special medical care.
I was really worried being only 3 months almost four months post op that we would be denied. Okinawa is really strick when it comes to medical conditions. BUT today we did our screening and we are set to go.
We will be leaving in late Aug early sept. My son and I will travel home sometime this summer to see my family, while my husband goes to a school for his MOS. I have two more appointments with Dr.Mac June 9th and sept 1st. I am hoping to fly home during the christmas holidays so i an do my one year post op with him,but we'll see..
I just wanted to share with everyone, that is official we are moving to Japan... 
Annmarie  

 While today i thought i would write down how i feel. I haven't started a blog yet about my weight lost. Then i thought do i have to blog about the weight loss or can i just blog about my daily life. So this is going to be a mixture of everything. 
Today well this whole week has been a bad week.. I feel like this week has been the week to test my faith with this lovely tool i was given.  i'm an emotional eater like most, and this week WOW was it a tough.
Ok it wall started well way back in Jan, shortly after i had my surgery. The unknown of yes my husband is deploying again. 
He just came home from a 14 months tour in Iraq, on Nov4th. Now we are facing a 16 months tour in Afgainistain. I clearly knew this was a possiblity before he even got home in Nov. Yet all the way up until the start of March it was a yes he is going no he will not. oh yes the unit needs him no we don't. Well this week and next week he will be training for the deployment, so yes he is going is the finally the answer. When we are still not sure, so it has been very hard to prepare for this deployment. 
So all week long i have been testing my pouch, and i feel horrible about it.. i'm not sure why i've been eating complete SHIT for my pouch. In my mind i know better, yet i did anyways. I didn't get sick and i didn't dump.. So now i feel like a cow again... 
I dont know why i can't get over the emotional eating part. or why can't i grab something good for me to comfort myself with. I go to the gym and run on the treadmil to make myself say its ok i just burned off all that crap i just ate, yet its not ok.. 
On top of the emotional eating i have the STRESS that deployments bring, Everything seems to be falling apart right now, 
so yeah i just wanted to say GRRRR to this week and hope its over with soon, so i can start clean and fresh next week. Yet i can't because my husband will be training. So yippy.