maryh5

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Sitting here on a Saturday night after Christmas...not really feeling a 100 percent...just kind of blah.  Many many reasons why....but I have many many reasons not to feel this way also..but letting myself feel this way tonite...Number one reason I am feeling blue is I feel fat...I have lost over a 100 pounds...prolly weigh right around the 240 mark...and actually was feelign pretty good about that...but seen some pics of me taken over the holiday...OMG, I'm still huge...!!!!!!! I think the fact that I haven't taken real good care of myself over the last few weeks...not exercising...not eating right...hasn't made this thought any better...I get that feeling...of what's the use..I will always be fat...I won't ever get whistled at...at be called too skinny..I'm destined to live my life in fat stores...waaa waa waaa.  Another reason I feel blah...my daughter and family...including my one and only grandchild have been up here since the 19th...from Washington state...They came here on the 20th...left on the mornign of the 25th...so that put them here for about 4-1/2 days...that puts them at the other inlaws for 7 days...!!!!! I'm pissed off...but like always I will just cope with it...with food...or feelign sorry for myself.  Then we have to take my daughter back tomorrow to the inlaws so we can see our granddaughter for maybe 2 hours...providing she is not napping at that time.  I so don't want to go...cuz I'm in a pissy mood...but will go...will put the smile on...and go.  Then my kids were all home for the holidays...plus 2 spouses and one soon to be spouse...I always feel so inadequate when they are here.  I think I do a good job...I think I make good meals...clean what I can...but they always seem to find something...my son-in-law was cleaning my stovetop....it was clean....I know he is anal...but My gosh....leave it be.  My daughter will "suggest" that I do this or that.  I just get so overwhelmed....then my 21 year old son, dropped out of college last year...and has come home to live with us...he has a job, I make him contribute his expense...but the others tell me...You have to make tyler do this....or that....how long are you going to let him live here....blah blah blah....I just bite my tongue...I would do this for any of them...Tyler has only been doign this a half a year...its not been a lifetime....It just all these inadequacies coming back to me....I just want to scream and go drive off somewhere...and stay for a couple of days.  Then I get in my car and my daughter is with me...she goes mom, you really need to take the car in this spring and have someone detail clean it...sure I will admit its not like its brand new...but it looks fine...but its back to her anal hubby who is anal about his fricking cars...but once again I get the heat of the inadaquecies...Its gotten to a point I want them all to leave.  I'm tired...I don't want to go tomorrow....I do want to see my grandbaby before they go away for 3 months...but I'm pissed off.  I have the feelign I have reached my breaking point and will let someone have it.  Goodnight

Today is my 49th birthday.  I can't believe I am actually typing that, I can't be almost 50.  Anyways.  I am over 100 pounds lighter than last birthday.  I would of never imagined then that I would be here that much lighter today.  weight loss surgery wasn't even talked about then.  I look back over my last year and just go wow....wow to my hubby who mentioned the idea....wow to me for not being overly sensitve and going with the idea....wow to my quick surgery date....wow to my progress...I am truly blessed and just can't  wait to truly put all my efforts into full gear for this coming year......50 watch out for me!!!!!!!!

My daughter announced her engagement this past week.  I'm thrilled, her hubby to be is a great guy and treats her well.  Well this past few days have been stressful to say the least...I even have a sore on my forehead...caused by stress.  Haven't had one of those in years.  Anyway...they are trying to find a place to have it...they both go to school in Manhattan, he is from the Emporia area...we live in a tiny town in Northeast Kansas.  well they tried Manhattan....nothing there met their credentials...rolling my eyes....they thought about KC or topeka...I veto'd KC...topeka...no church would marry them since they werent members... finally they thought Emporia...well now the priest is being very very did I say very strict...The church hall is changin their rules..She caled today rather upset...so I said well I can check out things in this area...BUT...and I said BUT only if you want to come back here and think about having it here...I said I was not goign to make 10 phone calls for them and to find out that no they didn't want it here...she goes, no mom go ahead...as she likes this priest back here.  So I did...and they all have a open time...called her back....she goes...well Dustin...her fiance doesn't want to ahve it back there...he wants it at Emporia...I told her,, I think its were the Bride wants it...So we ended that conversation with me tellign her that it was there decision. I wanted so bad to go home and pig out....and 7 months ago I would of...My brain would of been saying....eat eat eat....and I would of been stuffing my face...and then eating more...all the time knowing I was goign to so regret this...but I didn't... I came home and walked..and exercised...then she calls back tonie and says well, Dustin's step mom has checked out some places in emporia besides the church hall and we think its the one we want...so we think we will do emporia providing we can get another priest to do it.  I said...and she knew I was a little put off...that it was their decision...Well then she asked if I had the priest number from here becaseu she wanted to call him and ask him to come down and do the ceremony....or I could call him.  I said I would get her the number, because I wasnt goign to call him.  I was upset...I will get over it...but I am upset right now.  Another thing is that I had invited his mom and stepdad...dad and stepmom up to our house to have a get together the Sunday before thanksgiving.  And they all agreed to it.  Well the other day when his stepmom was talking to my duaghter on the hone at my house, she had the gall to say...well instead of us all coming up there...why don't your mom and dad come down here and check out all the places in EMporia...I told my daughter we can go down there, but they are still comign up here.  I have the feeling this may get worse.  Please grant me the patience...the tact....the right decision in this. 

I went to church this Sunday, which in the past year has been a rarity.  (Due to several pitfalls along the way)  I was kneeling during communion time and normally during this time about 1/2 way through I have to sit back down or half sit/half kneel because my knees can no longer bear my weight.  Guess what this Sunday, I made it through the whole communion time with out a thought about sitting back down.  It didn't dawn on me until I was halfway home that I had accomplish this goal.  I give part of the credit to the weight loss, but part of it also to my exercising.  I LOVE NSV's. 

My doctor's appt was Wednesday, I was in for my first fill if needed, as I have not after almost 4 months had the need for a fill.  I did not need one today.  My doctor says that this is rare, but has seen it happen.  I told her that I do get hungry, but still play that mind game between really really being hungry or it being maybe I need water, need a nap....etc.  I have lost since my pre-surgery appt---starting at 344. On their scale I weighed in yesterday at 273. So 71 pounds.  She doesn't want to see me again for another 2 months unless of course I have the need for a fill.  I almost feel like sometimes Im not a real bandster, as I havent experienced the pbing....  I do get the full feeling, I can eat most meats.  I am not saying this to brag, but just stating what I can do.  I do also exercise.  I walk at least 3 to 5 times a week...4 miles.  I also have an elliptical which I get on when I can't go outside.  I love this band today.  If I had not gone through this surgery, I would most certainly be 10-15 pounds or more heavier.  I had no medical issues yet.  But was certain that it was just a matter of time. I count my blessings in the fact that I haven't had any problems.  I know the rules of the band and know I must respect this band.  I was a self-pay.  Sometimes I feel the guilt that I had to use our savings for this, but my husband said he would do it again.  I think he kind of loves me.  .  I am that rare one in so many ways....my band...my kids....my hubby....where I live....the fact I can go walking tonight in a peaceful country lane.....