maryk

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Ten years seems like an appropriate time to take a few minutes to stop and reflect on life in general and my journey specifically. For those of you in the beginning stages of your amazing journey I would say to you, enjoy each step as it comes. I know it was hard at times for me to not just look at the end goal and compute the "if's and then's". The end goal will come, don't worry. What I found just as valuable was reflecting how I was changing inside as well as outside. You find strengths in you that you hadn't used. You venture out into arenas you were hesitant to go to before. Enjoy your "wows" as much as your shrinking jean size.

No sugar coating it, maintaining isn't always easy. I have had a few times through the years that I gave into the old habits and put on my well worn blinders to ignore the obvious- those  extra pounds knew just where to find me. The difference was that I couldn't forget the joy in life I gained as I lost the weight. By going back to the basics, I managed to shed the extra pounds and have maintained a 235# loss. Biggest lesson there, don't beat yourself up over the backslide. The surgery doesn't take away all our problems nor does it make us super human. What it does do was is let us know that we have the strength to tackle whatever we need to.

I truly believe if I didn't learn that the most important tool to maintaining weight loss was reflecting on the "why" I gained and regained the weight, then I couldn't be successful. The old triggers are still there. It is much easier to recite the "what" I did or ate wrong that caused the weight gain. It wasn't the cake that put on the pounds, it was why you chose to eat it that did.

So, Happy re-birthday to me. I am proud of the NEW me and I learned to love the OLD me. To all of you who are moving toward your "anniversary" ( one day,week, month or year), Congratulations! Life is good.

It took an Email from ObesityHelp to remind me I needed to add anupdate.  I actually don't ever forget this day as the anniversary of the single most important decision I ever made in my life for my life. Every morning is reminder of how good it feels to be excited for what the day will bring. I have been doing some reflecting on my journey over the past month and spoke of this with a support group recently. I realized that where people can find many who are going through the same things they are at the time there aren't many "long,long termers" to hear from.  It was good for me to share my journey with them.
Since I posted a year ago Life has been full- good and bad. Family committments were many, becoming an unexpected caregiver for my ailing brother, working through the deaths of family members and now sharing the last chapters of a close friend's fight with cancer.  But somewhere along the line I realized that in the past I was the first thing I let slide by the wayside and that was what got me to 390#. The 20+ added pounds of last year was creeping close to 25#.  I didn't want the feeling of failure to creep back with the pounds so I really committed to getting them off. The process was slow but the way it should be. Back to the basic food plan, I committed to exercise.  The committment was not because it is a necessary component to weight loss, but that it had to be part of my daily life FOREVER. I worked with a trainer who not only showed me the correct way to maximize a workout, but to build a program that would be a daily part of my life.  I have in the past year lost over 30# but gained so much more. I found out how strong I am and the limits I had put on my body were selfimposed and not reality. Exercise is now as much a part of my daily life as breathing...not an option.  Whats more, I really enjoy  it.
So my words of wisdom the this year. Don't ever try to forget the "old" you. She/he is the reason you are where you are today. Keep her close because she will be the reason you stay on track or as in my case, get back on track.
Today, I will celebrate my anniversay...you, just celebrate your today.

May 28, 2011

I just received an email from OH celebrating my anniversary...7 years! In one respect I feel bad that it took an email to remind me I had long since stopped updating. On the other hand I guess it is a testament to how I am involved in life, which wasn't the case prior to the bypass.

Seven years out, wow! I have had all the normal setbacks and challenges life brings with it. My weight is still a good healthy level.  Through the past few of years some 20 pounds have crept back, but I still maintain a 220# loss. Now I am like every "normal person" struggling to lose those impossible 20#s.

I have had different plastic surgeries to deal with the excess skin. After a panniculectomy I decided to get a complete tummy tuck to tighten and contour tummy.  A couple of years after that I had a breast reduction which was covered by insurance due to the volume and rashes. While there I decided to address my arms on my own.  So happy with it all. Of course I never claim to be 62 year old playboy material but my self image has been the biggest improvement.

To those who are in the beginning stages of the journey and wonder what it will be like long term...my advice...
Remember this is a lifetime committment. You need to commit DAILY to maintaining your hard work and the gift you have been given. Easy? Trust me, not always. Will you struggle? For sure- those demons are still there waiting for you to revert to your old ways. I think we have all heard or seen the stories of those who have gained much back. It doesn't have to be you. The tools of balanced meals, countinual exercise, and addressing the emotional triggers can keep you successful and more importantly...alive.

Good luck one and all!

November 20, 2006
Well, two and one half years ago today I was drinking my fleet soda waiting for th e last few hours of my old life to end and new begin.  It has been quite a ride and truely a blessing. When I started my journalizing I promised I would entry every month, what can I say...life just creeps up on you when you have one again!  I am now two weeks out from an extended TT w/ an anchor cut and muscle tightening. Two words to describe it- Happy and Sore!  I had a panniculectomy back in March and thought that would be it for me to get that huge apron of skin off of my belly.  It did make a great difference- from a 10-12 to a size 6.  I tried living with my bulging midriff which seemed accentuated as the smaller tighter jeans pushed the skin upward.  I had planned to meet w/ my PS in September to discuss my breasts and arms.  In one split second I re-evaluated and changed my mind.  I just asked myself what was bothering me the most and if the plastic surgery god from the sky came to me and said I could have only one procedure more ever, what would it be?  The answer was obvious to me- I wanted my abdomen flat. So we changed gears and scheduled the full TT.  Sooo the right decision.  If the breasts and arm surgery are meant to be they can come down the line.  This was quite the expense for me and I have dedicated my body a surgery free zone for the next year.  I still don't wake up a day and not give thanks for this new life I have.  I am healthy and active.  I see the old temptations creep back.  I am no saint- yes at times I give in to them. But it doesn't take me long at all to put myself back on the straight and narrow. I will NOT slide backward.  So far, so good. I have never in 2 1/2 yrs had a weight gain. Not bragging- just commited.  I know all WLS patients cringe when someone calls what we have done the "easy way".  Daily committment to anything for the rest of your life is far from the "easy way".  I think that is some of what makes it so rewarding!

MAY 31, 2004
I am now 10 days post op and feeling great…

But first, here is a little about my journey from there to here. I am a 55 yr old “super morbidly obese” woman with I am sure the same stories as many. Multiple diets, 100’s of pounds lost and gained. As age crept up on me I added the high blood pressure and cholesterol, diabetes, joint and back pains. My family history of heart disease had me believing that it was just a matter of time before that would be added to the list. I had contemplated this surgery for over two years with the end result of gaining an additional 50 lbs.

In July of 2003 I decided to move ahead with the surgery and discussed it with my doctor, who had been encouraging it for the past year. I opted to go through my medical group for insurance approval every step of the way. I couldn’t bear to move down this road to have hope crushed at the end. Everything went smoothly with all the testing to my final step of meeting with Dr. Quilici in November 2003. Final approval from the insurance company was swift and by the beginning of December I had my January 2004 surgery scheduled.

That is where fate stepped in. The day after I got my date, I got a call from my gynecologist, to say that I needed to schedule an ultrasound for something “suspicious”. Long story short, the suspicious turned into reality and I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Ironically, the January surgery date remained the same, only the type of surgery changed! Dr. Quilici’s office was very supportive, and needless to say, Sally helped a lot. In retrospect, I am thankful - everything happens for a reason. It was my medical group requiring current pap and mammogram tests that found the cancer at its earliest stages. I am now cancer free and healthy. Honestly, it was anger at having my control taken away and my bypass surgery postponed that superseded the fear of the “C” word. Sally had prepared me for up to a year delay before my oncologist would release me. Thankfully, that was not the case. He said that I was at a much greater health risk with the weight and diabetes than a cancer recurrence.
The Night before surgery 19 months-215# after surgery(the one outfit I am keeping!)

So now back to my opening sentence, I am ten days post op and feeling great. I had my surgery a Cedars Sinai (great choice!) on May 21st. It went smoothly, no surprises, and I was home by noon on May 23rd. I also have been blessed by a remarkably easy recovery.
So far, I have had minimal pain and have managed all the protein, vitamins and fluids. Trust me, from all that I have read and heard I know the importance.

I am not sure how good I will be at keeping this up. I will admit that at first I was hesitant to even post this. But then, I realized that this site was a source of support for me during my decision process and all that followed. It just seems that if there is anything in my process that can help another, it is only fair. Thanks!

June 30, 2004
I had my one month (really 5 weeks) followup with Dr. Quilici on Monday. All is going by the book so far. He officially moved me to solid foods and I must admmit I am alittle hesitant. I know what I have been doing is working and my inclination is not to tempt fate and I DON'T want to get nauseous. However, Dr. did emphasize moving back to the real world was essential. The good news is that as of today I am officially 34# lighter. A fact that is not lost on my knees as I go up stairs.

July 21, 2004
It has been two months since my surgery. I am down 42#. I did go through a two week plateau with no loss, which is frustrating. However, I have read enough to know that this all averages out in the end and I am where I should be for two months. More importantly, a visit to my primary care doctor to review labs confirmed I am in the right direction. I am off two of my diabetes meds and have a A1C count of 6 which is very good. In addition my cholesterol is down to 151. Even my "bad" cholesterol was within the surgeon general's new guidelines of being under 100. So I am on my way to being healthier- my primary goal. Now if I can just get "into" the exercising.
July 2004 - Two Months

August 2, 2004

Went for my 6 month check up with my oncologist - and he said all is well. I knew it was but it is always reassuring to hear it confirmed. He of course was happy to see the weight loss. I have hit the "50#" mark and am feeling better every day.

August 21, 2004

Three months post op today- hard to believe. It seems my weight loss is pretty much on track. I have lost 59# since surgery and a total of 92# from my pre-op starting weight. What I find most surprising is my attitude towards the weight loss this time around. On the many other diets I have been on the #'s lost was my only all consuming concern. This time, What makes me happy in a day is to realize that I have made it up a flight of stairs without crippling pain...or how much easier it is to drive...or how I know when I test my sugar it is going to be at a good level. I think it is that this is the first time that I KNOW for certain that I am going to be successful in losing all this weight so it has taken the pressure off a self imposed timeline. When I step on the scale and it hasn't moved in two days I no longer freak...I know it will catch up when it is ready. I try to keep the picture a broad one and not try and obsess about how much I will lose within the next month. I just keep thinking that by next summer I WILL be an entirely different person physically. Well so much for now; we ill see what the next month brings.

September 7, 2004

It's my birthday! I had originally planned on a once a month update, but somehow it seemed appropriate to reflect on this day. My life has taken many a turn these past twelve months. I could not have envisioned last September that I would be at this point. I feel healthier and happier. The rough patches seem to be but memories. As a gift to myself I hit the Century Mark on this of all days! That includes my 33# pr-op weight loss, but a pound is a pound. there is so much more to this loss than what the scale says. I feel in control, assured of the success to come and hopeful for the next year. All in all, a priceless feeling.

September 28, 2004
Well I just got back from a check up with Dr. Tovar. I am one week over 4 months with a 75# loss. He was happy as was I. I add that to my pre-op loss and I am a total of 108# lighter in body...a ton lighter in spirit!

I will admit weathering a two week halt in weight loss was not easy. But I insist on learning something new about myself whenever possible. Before I started I knew my motivation was a healthier life, heck just a life not cut short. Of course,I knew that with this surgery the weight loss would be faster than previous diets but that was not my motivation. Interestingly, though when I have a week where I see no weight loss I catch myself worrying and second guessing. I see this theme on the boards alot also. Luckily I tell myself, "self, you did not cut yourself open and rearrange your plumbing for the purpose of losing weight fast, you did it to live." That is usually all it takes. I really do have a contentment and peace of mind with this whole process. I KNOW in my heart that I will see my goal. The icing on the cake is that I also know that I will not have to worry that as soon as I am there I will be on that vicious ride back up the scale.
September 2004 Four months

October 29, 2004
Time seems to be moving so quickly. Although the scale slowed down a bit this month, I can deal. I have read sooo many profiles of people who have lost massive amounts of weight and all have experienced slow weeks and or months so I have know fears that this isn't still working. I hear so much about throwing the scale out but that is not for me...yet. Unless or until it becomes a source of anxiety it stays- at this point it is still a motivator. One thing that I have noticed is how well I have my support group "trained". My loved ones never hound me for the total loss. They just want updates on how I feel and support on how I look. Bless them.
Unfortunately, pain seems to be the word of the last two weeks. First I am in need of a root canal and there was a two week delay in the scheduling.... thank God for Monday I can't take much more of this! I also have been experiencing some pain in my upper abdominal area. I scurried right over to my surgeon who said that it may be the gall bladder although it doesn't have all the same symptoms. No real surprise, but one can hope. I had an ultrasound and should hear the results today. But inspite of all this life is good, I still consider myself blessed that I have been given this new lease on the rest of my life.

November 5, 2004

Just a quick update, if not for anyone else but for myself to remember. As a followup from my ultrasound - I get to keep my gall bladder, at least for now. Although there was some "sludge" in it, there was no more inflamation at this time. So we are in a wait and see mode. If it flares up again Dr.T. will take it out. At least it is not hurting. Follow up with having my root canal a thing of the past and this is a much better week. Now I just have to get back on the losing track. I am committed to getting the exercize at the top of my priority list- we'll see!

November 8, 2004

Back from my PCP and my numbers are great. My cholesterol is down to 137! Even my doc was surprised. Better than that the LDL (BAD!) was down to 72 from a high of 130. Sugar level is normal range also. Although I was alittle dissapointed that this didn't cause her to take me off all my meds, she said she is being cautious. She doesn't want to see it jump back up...says there is plenty of time as I still have many pounds to lose. I guess she is the one who spent all that time in Med School so I will give her the benefit for now. Weight loss has stalled but I can feel the inches going... being patient is not always easy.

November 28, 2004

Well I am just over my 6th month mark and I am officially past the 100# mark- 101# to be exact. When I look back to November 2003 there is 134# less of me. I feel sooo much better and am able to do so much more. I actually walk around stores and what people are thinking of me does not enter my head (..much!).
I had a good Thanksgiving and really did not deny myself. I had alittle of everything I wanted with no ill effects. I am starting to feel I really own this diet, er, way of life. Since I can tolerate ALITTLE sugar and FAT I must be responsible and make good choices. So far so good.
The current thing on my plate(no pun intended) is dealing with my gall bladder. I am waiting for a surgery date. So Actigal doesn't work for everyone! Although I have not had a severe attack yet, my surgeon does not want to wait any longer. And if it takes away the pain what is a few more holes on my belly!
Christmas 2004-7 months
January 3, 2005

Somehow, I lost a month in my updating...I guess I can add that to my list of resolutions! Well my gallbladder is gone ( and good riddance.)! What was suppose to be a day surgery turned into a stay in the hospital. Seems like I just don't come out of anesthesia well(this has happened before). When they couldn't get my blood pressure above 68over28 after 5 hours in recovery they admitted me. After pumping me with fluids for another day it stablized. Unfortunately, along with the dehydration came a bladder infection that sent me emergency the day after I was released. In all honesty, that infection was more painful than my cancer,WLS and gallbladder surgeries combined! A hard lesson learned regarding getting enough fluids in- a battle I still struggle with. So I entered the holidays alittle healthier and wiser.
Good News about the holidays - I got to see family that had not seen any of my weight loss to date- that was a great reinforcement. I also could tolerate the holiday feasts with no upsets. this reassured friends and relatives who may have had lingering concerns about this decision of WLS as something I could live with and be normal. Bad news about the holidays- I got my first bout of head hunger. I had been blessed for the first six months to avoid this. It for the first time became really a challenge to say no. I experiences a few bouts of "grazing" which scared me. My doctor is one who subscribes to the policy of THREE MEALS and no snacking. I can confirm it is a bad thing for me. I came to realize how old habits of eating just a little when I am not really hungry can be my downfall. Needless to say, another resolution- back on the straight and narrow! All in all a slow month of weight loss is enough motivation to follow the program - Oh ya, and EXERCISE!

January 28, 2005

Just a quick update- I am now 8 months post op and have lost a total of 120# since WLS and a total of 153#.Yep, I'm happy. This week I also celebrated my One Year anniversary of being cancer free! Life is good.

February 25, 2005

Just a quick update. My niece Heather and her mom surprised me with a cruise to Mexico to celebrate being healthy and happy and alive. It was so nice to not have my size be an everpresent issue and limiting me. I could get around and walk alot more. My one fear- eating was no problem. With a wide range of good choices in the buffets I was able to treat myself to new things and still stay on program. It is so nice to be a part of the world again!
Heather, Me and Sharon February 2005-9 months

March 9, 2005

I guess it is a good thing when time races by. I am more involved in day to day living than obsessed with my WLS. It was all consuming for me in the beginning. I am still super committed to making it a success. It is just nice to be reaping the benefits of being more fit and able to do more physical things. My only struggle is still the water issue. I try to get it in, but my work day races by and I look down and my water bottle is still full. I would think my experience with dehydration would teach me. A couple of weeks ago I had a fainting episode in a store that took me to ER. I needed a few bags of IV fluids to get my blood pressure stable. Pre surgery I downed water constantly so this is something unexpected. I really thought dealing with food issues and head hunger would be my downfall-still not an issue at all yet. My goal for this month, after much research, is to get my Eliptical Trainer. I have been experimenting with all types of in home machines and I think this is the one that is the best for me. I am down a total of 165# and now need to get this saggy body firm!
March 2005 - Ten Months
April 14, 2005

I had a follow up appointment w/ Dr. Tovar today. He said everything is on schedule and is happy with my weight loss. I have lost 140# since surgery for a total of 173#. He said that I still have a window of 7 months to lose weight at a rate of 5-7# a month. That will bring me to goal for sure. I would like to say I am going to push it with exercise to cut that time frame down... we'll see. I am really very happy with the physical change, not just the looks. I have been doing alot of painting and fixing the house. and I can do sooo much more. Now when I sit down my mind is racing to the next project I can start. Before I would just vegetate because everything hurt. My only frustration is with the hanging belly. Don't get me wrong; I'd take that over the lost 170# anyday. It is just that in my mind's eye that is all I can see and have to constantly give myself a reality check. Boy, do I really understand body image dysmorphia now. Down the line I know I will have it taken care of with surgery and get my hernia repaired. After this past year I thought I would never want to go under the knife again but times change! I now understand when I read from others that it is the last piece of the puzzle that needs to be done to really put this chapter behind us. I got my eliptical trainer and really do like it. It is taking me some time to work up to a decent workout but I am committed. While I am patient with the slower weight loss I am still human!

May 3, 2005

OWWWW. That will teach me to do chores! While redoing my bathroom I overdid and as a result cracked a rib. By far more pain than anything I have felt in this past year. What really bothers me is that I now am lucky if I can walk upright let alone get in any exercise. Add to that the pain medication causing severe constipation it seems a no win situation. One I have to deal with soon as I have the dreaded colonoscopy next week and really need to clear out by then! I know I just need to look ahead- just a little bump in the road.

May 11, 2005

Well, I have made it into the "onderfuls"! I have been wanting this so much and trying to be patient. Of course doing the routine cleanout for my colonoscopy I am sure helped. But I will take anything! I hesitate to even consider I am closer to the end of this journey than the beginning. I'm not kidding myself- I know the last 30# are going to be a bitch. But I know it will come in its own time. I am also daily challenged with old habits lurking and having to make conscious decisions to stay away from the evil things that I now seem to be able to digest. I am not really afraid that that old life will really take hold again, but I sort of long for the honeymoon period when I ran in the other direction of sugar! I just keep concentrating on the trade offs - walking up and down stairs and keeping up with my shopping buddies is still better than chocolate to me!

May 21, 2005

Happy Anniversary to me! The fact that it was one year ago today I started this journey absolutely amazes me. I am healthy, I am happy and I and I am secure that this new life for me will continue to get better and better. It's not even that I am looking ahead for some great unkown "thing" to now happen for me. It is more the fact that for many of my 56 years I was in my life, but now I feel I am truely "living" it.
I have lost almost half of me,( 183#), but gained the whole me back again. Life is good.

June 30, 2005
Time seems to be racing by. I almost missed my monthly update. I guess having a full life is a good thing. I am doing well. As was to be expected, the weight loss has slowed down considerably. I can take a slower pace as long as I know it hasn't stopped completely. This has been a hard month as far as committment. I can tolorate most anything so I am for the first time having to deal with some serious temptations. Up until now it has been a new way of living but has not felt like a diet. It has this month! I am constantly having to monitor my desires and make a daily committment to stay on target. I know, I know, the whole "this isn't a magic bullet" syndrome. My mind tells me I I would just kick start my exercise again I would get of the last 20# (maybe 25)off. On a separate note my sister Susan has a date for a consult in August. She is really excited to get this process moving. Boy do I know how she feels. This is the time period when WLS thoughts are all consuming. I so want it to go smoothly for her. It is funny though- it was one thing for me to take this chance, but I am afraid for her. This is how my family and support group must have felt before my surgery. Oh well, only positive thoughts for her success.

July 20, 2005

I had my check in with the surgeon yesterday, and all is well. He is very happy with my success rate. At the rate I am still losing he feels confident that I will hit my desired weight by my so-called "window of opportunity", 18 mos. All my vitamin levels are good also. I also had my visit with my PCP this week to check cholesteral, tryglicerides and sugar levels. She said that I am by far in normal range and that my diabetes is well in control. she did address the issue that I had to accept that I will probably always be on oral medication for diabetes. I have gone as far as I can in the weight loss and good diet factors of control and am left with the genetic aspect of my diabetes. That is just not going to go away. Maybe not what I wanted to hear but, heck, I've heard worse in my life. As she stressed I should be happy that my diabetes is no longer life threatening as it was over a year ago. OKAY OKAY. All in all, I am very happy. Happy that I am doing more, happy that I no longer imprison myself in my house, happy that I "fit in" to the world once again. I am slowly getting used to the physical me now. I can now pass a mirror and not be shocked at what I see. What I see is starting to look like "me". I scrolled back to read my entry from exactly one year ago. I said that I was looking forward to the same time next summer, when I would hopefully be a different person. No great revelation- but yep, I am. Actually, same person inside, just with a new outlook on life.

August 23, 2005 15 months Post Op

I find it hard to believe that it has been 15 mos. I am really beginning to "own" this body that I have. It doesn't shock me everytime I see my reflection. I am feeling great and have turned a corner both mentally and physically. I have been ignoring the entire exercise part of this program- still losing weight but at this point at a much slower rate. I was ready to struggle for the last 10-15#s. My surgeon came to a support meeting and something he said finally struck the right cord. He said he provides us a tool and we have a window of opportunity to use this tool by eating less, taking the vitamins and exercising. It hit me that I was purposely eliminating one third of the formula- which was only hurting me, no one else. I started the exercise religiously from that day on, walking two miles a day. Needless to say, my body took me seriously and rewarded me with a drop in weight! I have now lost a total of 201#! That is motivation enough to keep going strong.I am as excited now as I was after the first month.
I went up north to visit my sister and friends. She is just starting her WLS journey and had her surgeon consult. She has her list of tests to complete, alittle weight to lose and the surgeon is tentatively talking about a November surgery date. I know where she is mentally and she is ready to do anything to get this moving. I am happy for her but am still keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly.

September 23, 2005

16 months out and I feel great. So good that even with a very SLOW month as far a weight loss, I don't feel down. I know it has something to do with the fact that I have committed to exercising this past month. I feel more energized and strong. I have also dropped another size. If I didn't lose another pound I would be fit and able to do all the things weight took away from me. That's not to say that I am not going to fight to get off 10 more #s. I truely believe that my body can do it.

October 21, 2005

Is time really going so quickly or am I just more involved? My bet is option #2. I just had my 17th month visit with Dr. T. He was very pleased. My blood work was perfect. He said that he rarely sees patients that continually have perfect readings each time. He was also surprised that I am still losing at this rate. I officially hit his quasi-goal of 170#s. He was always hesitant to set a goal because he said #s alone don't dictate a healthier life and that is what I should be working towards. That being said because I still show a loss every month, he said I probably do have some more that will come off. Perhaps 10-15 more pounds. Not bad since that infamous window should be closing soon. If it does fine- either way it's fine. I am continuing the extra exercise and strict (most of the time) diet to see what I can do. I am also getting my ducks in a row for plastic surgery and hernia repair. I see my PCP in a couple of weeks to start the referrals and approval process. I was going to wait until mid next year and just be there to support my sister with her weight loss surgery. But things have changed there. In her pre-op testing she had an issue with her heart that required stents. It will not eliminate WLS for her in the future but she will be sidelined for 6-12 months on blood thinners until all heals. I am just thankful they found her problems and could correct them. I hopefully can get mine finished in that waiting time. Of course, the almighty "insurance" issue will be the ultimate determining factor in all of this. However, I believe it will be approved and that is the only thought that is going to get any of my energy! So, anyway this is where I am at 17 months out. I absolutely cannot believe I fell so good and that I have been blessed with this second chance at living again!

November 21, 2005

Well, It is officially 18 months...do I hear that window shutting? I didn't realize how much I was fearing this day coming to no real consequence. Early on, I guess I didn't really believe I could get sooo much weight off before my "window" closed. Two realizations came to me as the clocked ticked. One, yes I would lose most of my desired weight. Two, the window just means that if you want to lose more you have to work the program even harder. After over six weeks of losing nothing but still keeping pretty religeously to the program (okay, a few human failings!) the scale fairy came and took 4 more pounds. I still find it hard to believe the me I see is really the me I am. Does that make any sense? I am going to work for those six or so more pounds and consider them a gift if they come. I have also started the first step to the last step in my journey. I have insurance approval for a consult with a plastic surgeon. I am scheduled for right before Christmas and am oh so excited. Because of my medical group and insurance, I am limited to their choice of surgeons. However, if I am not 100% impressed and secure with him I am prepared to either fight for another one or save my pennies and do it myself. It is too important a decision. I am not borrowing trouble here. I have no reason to believe he won't be fine. All the specialists my group has provided me in the past have been top notch. I am just so ready for this to happen. The fact that I will be able to get my hernia repaired is truely a blessing as it is not only becoming more pronounced without the fat cushion, it is also very tender to the touch. Well on to the holidays and a blessedly restful Thanksgiving down in Palm Springs.

December 23, 2005

On the cusp of Chrismas Eve, a good time to reflect. I am 19 months into this journey and have come to the conclusion that I am on a never ending loop. This journey will never be over. I don't mean it in a bad way at all. I will never be "done" I will never stop learning new things about myself. I may be in the final stages of the weight loss portion, but am oh so painfully aware that I am just starting the emotional and psychological portion of the trip. I now know what it is like to deal with old food demons, unhealthy eating behaviors and falling back into lifelong patterns-all that got me to my highest weight. I have dedicated this new year to meeting those daily challenges head on and find new and permanent ways to deal with stress and emotional issues that don't involve food. To the details of this last month. I have not lost any weight, just danced up and down with three pounds, but that is okay. I have dropped another size and feel like I am settling into my body. I did just meet with a plastic surgeon regarding breast and panni surgery. What a humbling experience baring that last hidden shameful part of me. I felt so emotionally naked without my clothes and someone evaluating every fold and droop. There will probably won't be a problem getting insurance coverage for it.(famous last words) He was very straight forward and insightful in his consullt. He was realistic in what I will face and what are the limitations due to my age, skin quality and long term effects of obesity. I am going into this with the desire to be more comfortable and eliminate the physical discomfort of excess skin not to mention getting rid of the hernia. The days of bikini contests and belly shirts are long gone ( I missed that boat first time around also!). One day at a time... I will probably have heard something by my next update one way or another. But for now I am looking forward to a peaceful christmas with the ones I love. That I am healthy and have my energy back to really enjoy it is an added bonus. Yes, I am blessed.

January 23, 2006

Happy anniversary to me - 2 years Cancer Free!!! In some respects it is hard to remember some of the things about that day 2 years ago but on the other hand it seems like yesterday. I thank God for so much each day. I also know if I hadn't gone through all of that I wouldn't have my new way of looking at life. While every little thing that comes my way daily is important to me, I no longer give any power to the problems or obstacles. I know they will be overcome and I cannot let them take my spirit down with them. While my health issues are on the upswing I am dealing with major family issues. With both my brother and sister in law hospitalized at the same time (different hospitals) 400 miles away and in need of care, the rest of us have been working double time to keep the bases covered. My sister is activating her process of WLS again after her cardiac issues and I only hope it goes so smoothly. She so needs it and I know firsthand how she will get her life back with it. As far as updates to my next chapter: I just got approval for the hernia repair.portion of my next surgery. I have a plastic surgeon also submitting for approval for a panniculectomy to be done in tandom with my gastric surgeon. Haven't heard on that yet. Besides insurace approving that portion, the only stickler in this is that with hospital/insurance changes they no longer both have priviledges and the same Blue Shield approved hospital. But as my surgeon's scheduler said, let's not worry about a problem until there is one...works for me! And to close on a high note- I am still dropping a pound here and there/ I am 7#s under what was my surgeon's goal. And yes, while I dismiss it everytime someone says it, I guess I am getting slim!

February 21, 2006

Well 21 months down and on to the next chapter of this journey. I got insurance approval for my panniculectomy and it is scheduled for March 9th just alittle over two weeks. I will get my hernia repaired at the same time...yeah no longer have an "alien" popping out of my stomach. I am excited and anxious at the same time. I can tolorate pain and am realistic in regards to the healing process. I just HATE the immoble part of it and the dependency on others. But I am not one to borrow trouble so I will just picture smooth sailing and no complications. Right now I am most concerned that the surgeon is not too conservative and does take off as much skin as possible. I hear stories about people having saggy bellies after. He has warned me about the condition of my skin ( age and massive stretching has made it extremely thin ). that is one of the reasons he didn't reccommend a complete TT. Hey, if he does his best and I no longer have to fold rolls of skin into my clothing I will be happy. I have really stepped up exercise, going to the gym daily and adding resistence machines. I want to be in the best shape possible before having the surgery. The added bonus to this is I really do feel so much better after my workouts- not to mention righteous! Hopefully next update will be nothing but a successful outcome.

March 12, 2006

Well I had my panniculectomy and hernia repair last Thursday and am now home and recuperating. Can you say OWWWW? Actually the hospital part went really well. I had my gastric surgeon do the hernia repair in conjuction with the plastic surgeon who did the panniculectomy. The hernia was very extensive and compromised the quality of the remaining umbilus so he eliminated my belly button. We had discussed this possiblity before surgery and said that at a later time if I wanted him to create a "faux button" he could. At this point I think my bikini contest days are over so I will just have to deal without the lint catcher. The pain is bearable and with the help of vicodin each day is getting better and better. I have alittle issue of bleeding from the drain sight when I walk around but the surgeon said as long as the drain is intact and still showing drainage all should be well. He took off 7lbs of skin. My first reaction was I thought I had so much more there. But he said that was on the higher end and that I should realize a big difference. Even though I am dealing with alot of swelling and will for some time I can already feel the difference of not having folds of skin to tuck in and under. All in all I find it amazing that I am already at this part of my journey. I can remember the days leading up to my bypass like it was just yesterday. It isn't that I didn't believe it could ever happen it's just that I couldn't wrap my head around that I would be so comfortable in my new "skin". I know that this is my life now and that there is so much more open to me. This latest surgery just let me close the last chapter of shame. Even though I looked great in clothes and was always being complimented I felt like I was still hiding a big secret. The old, "If they only really knew..." Just goes to show you how much mental healing there is to do in this whole process. That is where I am now on the road; maybe not there yet but traveling ahead! Who knows, if I get brave enough maybe I will even post some pix...we'll see about that!

March 25, 2006

Well I am two weeks out from my panni removal and hernia repair. This also marks 22 months since my WLS. I can't believe that I am so close to my two year anniversary. Although I am still very swollen I can see what a difference the removal of all that skin will make. It will mean as much psychologically as physically. I am going to start back to work on a modified schedule this next week so we will see. I do know that I still get very tired very easily. But in the big picture I have no complaints I just feel blessed that I have been lucky enough to take this journey and come out on the other side of it so healthy and happy. Oh the other major change is that somehow after the surgery my blood pressure finally dropped to a level that I have been taken off all three of my meds for it. Life is good!

April 26, 2006

I am amazed how quickly the time is going. Next month I will have my 2 year anniversary. I am now 7 weeks out from my panni removal and all is going "relatively" well. I believe I hold the record for the longest time with drains- six weeks! I kept telling myself that it was better that all that stuff was still draining out than trapped in there. My PS kept giving me the horrors of the alternative of them coming out early liquid forming seromas that needed to be aspirated, yada, yada, yada...I got the message. Imagine my surprize now that I have had the drains out for a week and the draining HASN'T stopped. I am constantly changing bandages and pads. Other than that the healing is going well and the scar is very thin. He has determined now that the swelling is diminishing that there is still excess skin hanging. He said he will do a revision (no charge). He wants to wait until everything has loosened up and healed and then combine it with my breast surgery. I am really in no rush for that. I am still losing weight... kind of a surprise to me and then again not. I have not wanted to eat much at all since this surgery. It is the same way I felt the first month out from WLS. A daily struggle to want to eat. Who would have thought! I am aware of this though and am conscientious to be sure I am getting enough protein and calories in. In a weird way, I kind of understand how some people fall into anorexia. If I had my way I would live on a protein drink and lattes.
But, on the whole I feel good, blessed to be on this side of the jouroney and determined stay healthy and active. I have lost a grand total of 235# and wear a size 6 or 8! I think the very last time I wore a 6 it had a X after it and I was headed off to kindergarten! Well, on to another month. I need to post an updated picture- a must for may 2 year anniversary.

May 21, 2006

Two years ago today I was heading off to Cedars for the surgery that changed my life. I cannot believe that this time has passed so quickly. In some respects I wonder when this new me will become someone I am totally comfortable with. It still amazes me daily and surprises me when I see my self in the mirror. On the other hand maybe I don't ever want to get used to it and take this new me for granted. I was up in Sacramento this weekend helping out my sister in law following spinal surgery. I could do anything and everything without feeling tired, feet and back killing me or not being able to get from point A to B without assistance.
I am blessed, I am thankful to all who helped me on this journey from my doctors to my loved ones who have been there every step. And yes I am darned proud of myself!!! Two years down and almost 240# gone forever!!!

June 26, 2006

Checking in for my monthly update...all is well and feeling great. In the past two months I have experienced the polar ends of the spectrum in regards to eating. Since my PS I had little to no appetite and as a result cut way back on everything. As soon as I would put anything into my mouth I felt full. As a result my protein was down, iron dropped. A meeting with my Dr. had me beef up my protein to five or six little meals. He also encouraged me to really get back to serious exercising as it would help increase my appetite. He was right. With the protein up the hair loss which had come back stopped. The down side was five to six meals moves ever so easily into grazing. More often than not I found myself adding crackers/carbs to these snacks. There is no one who will ever be able to convince me that these are not physically addicting. The craving was overpowering. But the good news is I think I am on the other side of that. I have pretty much gone cold turkey on the carbs( and yes, sugar) and am back at the gym( two month hiatus because of PS) 4-5 time a week. The muscle tone under all my flabby skin is great and I feel so much better. I have gained two pounds which I was told would happen. Even though I rationally know this is okay- it still freaks me out. This is the first month I will show a gain in my journey. How easy your mind can play games with you. My surgeon doesn't want me to lose any more, but I hear myself saying if I lose another 8-10# then I can build in a cushion. Thankfully I do love food too much to let this be a real concern. I only put this out here as a safegaurd and reminder to me that my goal throughout this whole ordeal was to be healthy. I am not about to step backwards in that direction.

On the PS front, I met back with my PS doctor this past week. I am pretty much healed from my panni removal. He is hedging alittle on the revision of the extra skin flap on one side- wouldn't want to "put me through it" for that alone. However, we are meeting in Sept. to get the breast reduction/lift insurance process started. He will include the panni revision in that request to see if they will cover it with the breasts. I think I will be willing to pay for this tweaking if they don't since it bugs me to have it hanging. I am going to add in my arms at that time on my own dime. I never thought I would be that concerned about PS when I started this weight loss but never say never. It is more about the entire mental healing process and finishing this journey. Well that's it for another month!

August 3, 2006

Well I missed the monthly update by a couple of weeks, but with good reason. It has been a rough month in my life but I am now on the other side so I can look at it alittle more objectively. Right before the 4th of July I noticed an ever so small lump in my groin. Being a two year survivor fo uterine cancer it gave me more than alittle concern. A couple of doctors later, tests and an ultrasound finally came back with the not so good news that there were multiple enlarged lyph nodes. This required minor surgery for removal and biopsy. The worst part of course, was the week wait for the results. The good news- the masses were benign! I can't even say how many roads I had traveled down in my head. I couldn't get past the idea that I had spent the past two years getting healthy, and yes, thin, only to be felled by cancer again. It is going to take me alittle time to wrap my head around the fact that all is well. But not to worry, I have too much going for me now.
On the weight loss front all is relatively fine. With all this going on I dropped a couple more pounds, which wasn't my goal. But the appetite is back and am anxious to get back to the gym now that I got clearance. The sugar devils have been lurking- it is getting hard to fight them off. It hasn't affected my weight only because my calorie intake had been down- but I don't need usless calories to fill my little belly.
Also on the good news front, my sister got the approval and a surgery date for her bypass up at UCSF in August. I am so happy for her and can't wait for her to start feeling better.. WEll that's it for now. We will see what August brings!

Statistics:

November 25, 2003 380# Meeting w/ Dr.Q.
December 23, 2003 378# Cancer diagnosis
January 21, 2004 362# Cancer surgery
May 21, 2004 346# Bypass surgery
May 31, 2004 328# 10 days Post Op
June 30, 2004 311# 5 weeks Post Op
July 21, 2004 303# 2 Months Post Op
August 2, 2004 295# 2 mo./2 wks P.O.
August 21, 2004 286# 3 Months Post Op
September 7, 2004 278# 3 mo./2 wks P.O.
September 28, 2004 270# 4 mo. 1 wk P.O.
October 28, 2004 258# 5 mo. 1wk P.O.
November 28, 2004 244# 6 mo. 1wk P.O.
January 3, 2005 235# 7 mo. 2wk P.O.
January 28, 2005 225# 8 mo. 1wk P.O.
March 9, 2005 213# 9 mo. 2wk P.O.
April 14, 2005 207# 10 mo. 3wk P.O.
May 11, 2005 199# 11 mo. 3wk P.O.
May 21, 2005 195# ONE YEAR
June 30, 2005 188# 13 mo. 1wk P.O.
July 20, 2005 182# 14 mo. P.O.
August 23, 2005 177# 15 mo. P.O.
September 21, 2005 175# 16 mo. P.O.
October 21, 2005 175# 17 mo. P.O.
November 21, 2005 166# 18 mo. P.O.
December 21, 2005 165# 19 mo. P.O.
January 21, 2006 163# 20 mo. P.O.
February 21, 2006 161# 21 mo. P.O.
March 25, 2006 154# 22 mo. P.O. Panni Gone!
April 26, 2006 147# 23 months
May 21, 2006 141# 2 YEARS!
June 24, 2006 143# 2yr 1 mo P.O.
August 3, 2006 139# 2yrs 2 1/2 mo P.O.

Photos

378??

215#

Surgeon Info:
Surgeon: Philippe Quilici, M.D.
I found Dr. Quilici, although rather reserved, very businesslike and informative at our first consult. I do not necessarily seek out "warm and fuzzy" in a doctor. I feel much more confident with someone who is more concerned about imparting all pertinent information to make an informed decision. When he came to see me right before surgery, his reassurance was just what I needed. His staff and support, understandably busy, are caring and efficient. They seem to go a step beyond with a personal touch. The aftercare provided I believe is the essential part to the success of his clients. I would give Dr. Quilici the highest rating - my surgery and initial recovery has been remarkably easy a testament to his skills and experience.
Insurer Info:
Blue Shield, Access +