Found my happy spot for a minute

Jan 27, 2012

After having my thyroid removed life has returned to normal? I had a couple friends check in, glad to see they are doing okay. I am maintaining at 118. I have tried to gain, an it is not going to happen. I refuse to push the envelope again. I ended up not being able to poop!  I will stay on my daily ritual of foods and keep on truckin.
I do miss some foods, but I can have a bite of anything I want. I mean anything. Most days I stick to a regimen, but I have made discoveries too.  I have come to LOVE canned cranberry sauce as a side garnish with ham.  I used to never mix tastes. Now the mix of salty and sweet is divine! 
Many foods I ate before are no longer appealing. Cheap chocolate - tastes like wax. That includes the entire Little Debbie line. Anything that is found in a vending machine = Yuck! Fast food places, maybe a taco bell from time to time, or the top of a pizza at the mall. No Chinese, McDonald's, Burger King or Sonic. I don't miss biscuits and gravy at times, then at others, I have a breakdown at the grocery store. It has been one hell of a roller coaster.
I would choose to do this all over again. I stopped looking over my shoulder that the cancer would return in my esophagus. My hernia is back, but it causes me no problems and I choose to embrace my life.  I watch my sister-n-law struggle with breast cancer for over 4 years. Jesus, the pain is so intense at times she shakes, it seems cruel to let her keep fighting. She is fighting hard. I thank God everyday I was spared from that hellalous torture. 
I still look at skinny with disdain.  I do not look healthy and I know it. I have received so many compliments on my figure. I feel guilty for that. I thank them and move on. I have no urge to discuss wings or saggy butt skin with strangers. Vogue has nothing but hungry people in its pages. I think the models all need to eat, lots of anything.  
I am in therapy to deal with all sorts of issues that I am going through. Not all are weight related. Back to my weight. I do look forward to a 20-30 pound regain. I sit in a car seat and my butt goes numb. I lay down in bed and my legs and hips hurt from the bones sticking out. My figure literally scares my family and my husband. As long as my vitamins and adrenal panels return normal I am going to be okay. My hair is growing like gang busters and my doc says I have never been healthier.
For now, I am deeply grateful that my health is back, (still healing from an ulcer) and I am not suffering from the burning esophagus or the nightly struggle of breathing with COPD. I would choose to make this decision every time. I remember talking with my husband. We both chose what would give me the best chance. I believe we chose very well.
Until mother nature boots me out of this spot, this is where I will stay, happily and with a smile on my face.  I can live, and live well with my choice.  I do believe it saved my life.

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