Where is the time?

Jan 29, 2007

Twenty-four hours in a day is just not enough for me. There is so much to do. I signed up for two classes , which is the norm for me, and I am getting my ass kicked in my A&P class. I have been studying like a mad women and I have not done too good on the two tests I have taken. Now I am doing way better then the average student in the class. The sad thing is the average grade inthe class right now is seventy- seven percent. I know it is not just me that is struggling. I hate to leave blame on the instructor but the students in this class have already taken the first half of the class and achieved a score that allowed us to advance to this class, yet so many are doing poorly. I leave understanding the information and I am learning so much about the human body, I just do not leave knowing what the instructor is expecting from us.  This week I have decided to take a new approuch to how I prepare and I hope it makes a difference.

I have had a succesful recovery from my surgery to repair the perforation.  I have not had another stricture since the last dilation. I am eating with great success. No more carrying around my little spit cup anymore. My weight just hangs between 110-115. I feel fantastic but I am not pleased with the way I look. I think I need to be fuller. 

I signed up the family to rollerskate. We go once a week. It has been fun. I was scared at first but after about an hour of relearning how to balance...I have been flying. The kids love it.  I have some pics of the boys with me.


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And the solo 
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My one year post-op visit with the surgeon was a couple of weeks ago. The goal now is to not be back ther to see him for another year. This is a goal I plan on keeping. I can look into plastic surgery this summer. I know I look fine dressed and since I am normally out in that fashion, I am not in any hurry to add another procedure under my belt. New boobs would be nice but the thought of two man made objects hanging on my chest wall seems odd.  Oh, I just teeter-totter back and forth on this issue.

I had my labs done last night. I see my bariatric medical Dr. next week. He wanted me to take an iron suppliment. I do not think it was working.  I stopped taking it. Instead, I started to crave Chex. I am talking like if I did not get me some Chex or Chex Mix, I was going to foam at the mouth and convulse cravings here. Started out with bag over bag of Chex Mix. I noticed I was just eating the Chex part of it. I was looking over the nutrients and my goodness one serving is half of my daily allowance of iron.  Yep, my body just knows what it needs. My energy has improved and I have found a half dozen ways to flavor Chex cereal.

I love being able to eat and not feel ill. My intake runs to around a half a cup of food at a time depending on what I am eating. I have to still stay away from bread, pasta, and celery. Celery raw is a big no-no for me. I tried some last week and it took my stomach all day to rest up from that experience.

I will admit to resorting to some poor choices for calorie intake. When I dropped down to 107 pounds, I knew I was getting close to having the Dr's decide to do something drastic about my weight loss. I started drinking 6-8 glasses of Nestle Quik a day. It worked. I gained seven pounds in two weeks. My nurse was surprised at this turn of events needless to say. I told her what I was doing and she put a stop to that. You know, I researched TPN and it is not miracle nutritional aid. It can actually cause a whole new set of problems for the body. My track record and I would get them too. I was determined to NOT end up on TPN. When Sandy asked me why I was taking in so many calories, I said, "Because, I am afraid you will scheduling me a central line and I am not interested." I feel bad because, I was real bitchy that day to Sandy and she is so great. I am blessed to have such a attentive group of people overseeing my recovery. I was just trying to find a way to get some of my control back.  Honestly that two weeks I was eating and drinking junk, I felt like dirt. I was happy deep down when Sandy told me to go back to my regular diet and see what happens. So far so good. They are happy with me being 110 and above. 

All in all...I am happy too.


Oh I wish I was busy.

Dec 14, 2006

I feel like I am in such a funk this week. I just recovered from a stomach virus. So glad to be back to work though, even if I left with god knows what. My belly hurt so bad Monday and Tuesday. Spent more time on the toilet then I care to admit.

I was so busy with school and setting up everything for my dads service that I think now I am not so occupied, the reality of his death is starting to be absorbed.

I stayed up until 330am the morning of my dad's service. At 530am the phone rang and woke me up. I went to answer it and there was no call. When I laid back down, I thought the ringer was not the same. It dawned on me that the kids had out my old cell phone that we have for back-up. I went to look and it showed I had a new voicemail. I went to check it. I have not used this phone since last year. My voicemail took me through five messages...all of them being my dad saying, "Megan, this is your father." I had just wrote for the service before I went to bed that I was going to miss my dad saying to me when he called, "Megan, this is your father." The new voicemail was a wrong number. Some lady calling Candy to tell her that she has no heat.  It was so crazy. My dad was the only person that called that phone. Actually my husband and him were the only ones to have the number. My dad needed it when it was my only cell because he had been sick for two years. Otherwise everyone called my home number. It is strange that I think it was some sign from him.

My motivation level just stinks right now. I do not want to do anything but wish I had something to do so I would do something. I went back to work last Friday but that only covers three days of the week.  I just hope this is little blip. I have not been depressed in a long time. My husband is frustrated and is looking for ways to make me better in his mind. Maybe I need this time to mourn some. I had planned on doing the thank you cards but Anne is going to do them now. I feel burned out. 

I am eating just fine. No recurrance of the stricture that I have noticed so far. I am so glad of that. I am afraid to have another dilation done after getting the tear from the last one. Monday I see the nurse and do my weigh in. I think I am maintaining my weight. I want to gain because I look ill. I am also scared to gain weight because there is a fear that I will not stop gaining. I call it the total head f*ck. 

One post-op said her first year was the worst and best year of her life. I feel the same way as her. So many great things have happened but I think this year also sucked so bad. My family has went through so much because of me. My dad passing was so huge. It also made me realize more of the dynamics that involved my relatives.

Oh, I am sure next week will be better and I will get off my butt and do something. This week is so far gone already. I will just write it off.


My dad's last day.

Nov 22, 2006

Dad passed away at 9:40 Tuesday evening. He was comfortable. He was alert until about ten hours before he died. He had six things he wanted to do.

1. See the Michigan / Ohio State game
2. Have liver and onions
3. Have pork chops and scalloped potatos
4. Smoke a cigarette
5. Sit at his computer.
6. Die at home peacefully

He did them all. 

I was up with him til around 1am tuesday morning. We were shooting the shit. He had some ideas and stories to tell. I went to bed but my cell was set to wake me up every two hours so I could check on him. He was sleeping and comfortable all through the night.

Around 8:30, I started our morning routine. He took his meds and started on breakfast. He expressed his concern for what affect this was having on my family. I told him what the plan was for the week with the kids and who would be tending to them. He said "So you have it all figured out so you can be here with me? Honey, you cant do this. You have a husband and kids."

That was the last thing he said to me that made sense. He just started to slowly drift away. He would not eat or drink. I could hardly arouse him. Anne had went to work. Dad did get restless around 4pm. I was actually camped out just doing my school work in his room so I could see him. I called Jerry to help me. We repositioned Dad and he never made a peep. Anne came home and had to leave on an errand. When she came back dad was starting to moan and was calling out.

I was unable to give dad his oral meds after 4pm because he would not swallow. The nurse was called and she said to begin using the sublingual Roxinal to help him relax and to be comfortable. He passed before he could receive his second dose. Anne was in with dad while I was talking to the nurse. I went in and checked him and his breathing had changed. I was supposed to give him his dose then but we did not want to talk around him about what was happening. Anne and I had a smoke a discussed the changes and what to expect. I said,"Well I better go in and give him his drop." (it really is a drop). He was gone. He passed in that ten minutes that we had stepped out of his room.

Dad's homecoming

Nov 15, 2006

My father has been ill. He has COPD. He suffered a heart attack in March and has had three more since then. His right coronary artery is one hundred percent occluted. Since October 1st he has spent every day minus ten in the hospital. 

Nov 8th, the pulmonary specialist told my dad that he is terminal and he will not be medically approved for any procedures that three other Drs wanted to perform. This Dr also took me aside to let me know that he discussed this with my father. Neither one of us discussed what we knew with the other for two days. The 10th was hell day. All shit broke lose. Dad realized just how sick he was and he was pissed. I had lunch with my dad everyday while he was a patient. This day he was not very nice. I understand. He was angry. I ended up leaving him. He was pushing me away anyhow. I went back up that night for dinner and found a new man. My dad decided that if he was dying he was not doing it at the hospital or a nursing home. This man had a plan.

I am leaving a copy here of what I posted on the Michigan forum yesterday.

Today I set up my dad's room so that he can come home and die comfortably. My father has end stage copd and this has caused uncontrollable congestive heart failure. He has spent every day minus 10 days in the hospital since Oct 2. Oddly enough five of those days was the five days I was there for my perforated viscus.

My life is going to be turned around and flipped over in the coming days. I will be setting up residence in his home until his passing. What will be negletted during this time by me? I have two little boys, a husband that just had a mastoidectomy one week ago, I am eight weeks into my classes at school that I am still earning A's, I am almost four weeks out from major surgery, and my Dr is concerned to the point of bringing up TPN infusions because of my continued weight-loss.

I have spent hours and hours trying to contact my siblings. One is out of state and seen my father. Another has had closer but does not want to see my dad in this condition. Four others hardly even talk to any one in the family, including my father. (they have a mom they share, yet they do not talk to each other, either) My father had 11 children from four wives. Two children are deceased. The other two were adopted but do know "of" my father. The dynamics are just, oh cruddy. But, I want to do the right thing and make sure they know in case they need to see him. I hate voicemail, by the way.

He lives with an ex-wife(#8) I am ever so thankful for her and everything she has done to help my dad. I have been scrambling to get care in order for my children during this time. They are young and will be so bored being with me at my dad's home.

I think things happen for a reason. I am off from work until Dec. School closes for one week, beginning Friday. The support is coming from all over to assist me with my boys. The care for my dad is being left upon the ex and myself. There will be an aide coming in daily and a nurse.

Tomorrow, I will go and have breakfast with my dad, head to my last class of the week, and back to the hospital for lunch. The plan is for him to be discharged under hospice care in the afternoon. I am going to be instructed on how to give him the meds he needs to remain comfortable as his body drowns in his fluids. Yet, I have promised him that we will keep him alert for the Michigan-Ohio game on Saturday because he just wants to see that and then he says he will be ready.

My heart is breaking. I can not stand seeing my father suffering as he is. I know what to expect and I still do not feel ready to the changes his body is going to go through in the next week. I also know he will not be here much longer in body and the finality of it all is so overwhelming. My mind says be with him as much as possible while you have the option. And yet, I have my little guys wanting their mommy to be home with them. I feel so much tugging in my heart. I wish I could be everywhere.

I understand the circle of life. My dad does too. He is not afraid to die, he just wants to do it at home, comfortably. I told him I would help him do this. I am so sad and I am going to miss this man so much. With Thanksgiving approaching, I can say I am thankful that I am available to be there for this man I love so much on his final days of life. I am thankful I can help him do it his way. He has made the decision and needs the feeling of being in control. He will be leaving me forever, but I will not have any regrets.

Positive vibes
Megan


The week has been busy

Oct 28, 2006

I cam home on Monday. I missed my class that night. I missed my morning class on Tuesday. I went to lab though. Wednesday, I had my staples removed. I also went to our support group meeting. Dr. M said I made for an interesting reading over the internet while Dr. Tomita and him were in Vegas together. Thanks to the technology they can keep track of their patients many  miles away from home.
 
Thursday, I went and took my midterm. I did end up with a 91%. I am pleased since my study time was a mess due to this whole surgery deal. I also won a contest. The prizes were two large pans and a knife set. They are Rachael Ray products. I also received an autographed cookbook from her too. Hubby and I went for the first time and bought new furniture. They actually delivered it yesterday morning. I thought we would wait til end of November for it.

My dad has been sick. He has been in the hospital three times this month. They transferred him to another hospital yesterday. I wish he was not having so much pain. I want to help him and I feel bad because I have been sick. He has end stage cardiac and lung disease. I am not sure what they can do to help him besides try to make him comfortable. He is a fighter though.

Friday my drain was taken out. I have to go and weigh in at the Dr's office now. They want to watch my weight. The emotional part of this I am not even going there right now. I will see the psychologist on Monday. I hope that helps me some.

We are having a big party this afternoon. Our son had a birthday this week and we invited all the family over. Cant wait til they all see the new furniture.

I will be off of work until Dec 6th. I will concentrate on my studies and maybe get some things organized around the homestead.

I am off to sleep.

Until then..Sunday

Oct 21, 2006

Not doing to bad this day. I am finally able to sleep without the oxygen. I am up and walking about eight times a day. I want to go home and somehow me doing so was overlooked. Everyone wants to wait until I see my surgeon who is just getting back into town from Vegas. Well he never came. I stayed. Jerry took pics of the kids and myself. I had a lot of visitors and many well wishes.

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Drifted.

Oct 18, 2006

Major points of the day. Finding out just what the heck was meant by they did not find anything during my surgery.. Dr. B could not really explain it to me. He said that all he knew was the surgeon did an oversew. So, I wait and see the surgeon. First thing out of my mouth is, "Was there anything even wrong with me?" He says "Absolutly there was something wrong with you. There was much wrong with you, you could have died without surgery." My reply," That is what I thought. So he explained that when they went in to find where the leak was coming from, they could not find the exact spot. Since he was the Dr. that did the scope he had a good idea of where the problem occurred. So he just sewed up everything and then some.

I pretty much vegged out the day. Pushed my button and I did have some breathing troubles. Man I was moving the nastiest gunck from my lungs. I could not lay back without my oxygen levels dropping . I had on a nasal canula, foot pumps, foley, and an IV. I was heading no place quickly. I had my pillow and blanket from home. Hubby also brought me my laptop. I had wireless internet. That was nice. I actually would fall asleep while typing and I would wake up to five hundred Ws on the screen.

Dr also let me know that I was staying until Sunday at the least so, I just tucked in and chilled until then.

It does end well.

Oct 17, 2006

 I went in for another scope to have my jejunum dilated. My Dr was in Vegas(lucky). So, the Dr. covering for him preformed the procedure. Everything went smoothly so it seemed. I did notice once I got in our vehicle that my right shoulder was hurting. I had my husband take me to open lab up at the college. While I was there I started to get pain under my right rib cage whenever I took in a breath. I thought that something might be wrong but decided I would lay down once I got home and just have my hubby check on me. Well by the time hubby picked me up my pain was not just pain anymore. There was also this pllfff of air moving under my ribcage about every third breath.

I called the Dr. No answer. I called my Dr.s office. I called my mom. I wanted and hope I just needed to pass gas but deep down I knew there might be something serious happening here. Dr.s office called back and said go have a chest xray ASAP. Mom comes barreling in my house and steals my kids away and says to get to the hospital. She flew over because she knows I am sick. I love her so much. 

I was in so much pain..I am talking 7/8 on the pain scale to 10. I had to sit and wait in xray. Stat is just not stat until they realize how sick you are. So I waited but once my xray was done I knew it was bad. Why? The xray tech saysshe is going to call the Dr to let him know it is done even though it has not been read. Then after I get dressed, I am told that my surgeons nurse is coming up. YEAH, do you think she was coming to tell me I was fine and to just go home.

I am freaking a bit here. I call my mom. She is so great, did I mention that. She tells me that I am sick and I should plan on staying. She will take care of the kids and just take care of me. I was so scared. I was mad that I did not hug my kids tighter before I left.

I went back in to wait for the Dr. He shows up and sits next to me and says " I am so sorry, you have to go to surgery" I had a perforated viscus. Which means somepart of my body has a hole that is not supposed to be there. It was filling my abdominal cavity with air. This can be life threatening and is very serious if not treated. Most treatment is surgery, sometimes antibiotics and time to heal the area but how do you know where the area is for sure without looking. So...I am now scheduled for surgery.

Priorities...I called my A&P instructor first. Started out calm and cool..ended up bawling like a baby. Thank you Mr. W for being so great and working with me through this whole ordeal. Called my mom again to tell her she was right. Called my father next, who cried and sobered me right up. I ended up comforting him and telling him I would be ok because the Dr. is going to fix me. I actually needed that myself.

Went to meet the Dr and get my admission orders. Normally you go through pt registration but it was after seven pm. So, I go to ER reg. and what a mess. She could not figure out if I was a surgical or a direct admit. I try explaining to her, I am both. I am getting admitted and going to surgery in like forty minutes. The best is the house supervisor calls and wants to know where the heck I was. Remember I know all these folks because I have worked at this hospital for ten years. Thank you I must say because I was also given a private room. That was a bright spot on a not so bright moment. And I am still in tons of pain.

During this whole deal I am trying to be light hearted and I am mostly joking around. To scared not too, otherwise I was going to lose it ....nervous breakdown wise.  hit the surgical floor where the best staff awaited me. I was vitalized, weighed, dressed in the hospitals finest ass baring wear. Dropped some urine off and before an IV could even be started, I was wisked to OR.

Now in OR was where I started to feel like I was falling apart. Sandy, my surgeons nurse, has been through my whole weightloss journey since day one. She is also awesome, cool, and intense. But she is awesome. She picks up on things and she knew I was losing it. I was still in most control except for the tears streaming down my face. She does this stare down thing at ya....(all you healthy image folks know what I am talking about)...she made me feel so much better just knowing she was there with me. I was awake while they started my IV..only took three pokes. After that I remember nothing well until after the surgery. So thank you to Dr. Bur for knocking me out so well.

I was told surgery took about two hours. They did open me along my RNY incision. I was quite drugged up when I woke up though. I was told that they could not find anything. Man I was fit to be tied. Number one, I knew I was sick. Number two, WHAT!!!! I was opened up for nothing. I spent the night all stressed about this and thankfully I had my PCA to keep me sleeping and a foley so I did not need to get up and pee.

To be continued under Oct, 19 entry.



Oct 16th 2006

Oct 15, 2006

I am feeling like my stricture has returned. Yeah, I have spent the last three days carrying my special spit cup around after I eat anything as dense as cottage cheese. Needless to say my energy level sucks right now.  I need a boost of something.  I would feel better if the heartburn was not so bad.

I am calling my Dr. tomorrow and will let him know what is happening.  This sounds so stupid but my biggest complaint about the whole stricture is the time I waste dealing with it. I spend hours getting sick from the foamies until I am finally able to move whatever is not moving from my pouch. I swear my coworkers must think I am gross. Friday, I had to keep going into the bathroom to spit. This lasted about four hours. In ER, I have the luxury of having a bathroom nearby to do so.  When I work my home unit, I do not. So, I carry a cup around to spit in. I drape a napkin over it while I carry it around with me. I could not stand the pain last night at work and ended up coming home after being at work only an hour.  I knew I should have had a shake for my meal. 

I had hubby do the full liquid diet run at the grocery store. My stomach feels like it is on fire today. I need a refill on my prevacid and I think the dose needs to be increased.

My brain seems to be functioning like it is wired oddly. I know I want to go left but instead I go right. Does that make sense?

I have much invested in school right now. I need to be able to focus and have the right ability to do well in my studies.  This seems like more of a struggle then it should be.

Now I am getting in my vitamins. I chew them like I am aiming for a worlds record in oral pulveration. My b-complex is liquid. What else can I do to get in what my body needs while it is causing me these troubles with actually eating food? How many shakes can I drink a day?

I was thinking this was all better. I do not want to have another scope done. It kills a whole day for me. I am afraid that I will be dilated too much and end up with another issue, actually being able to eat too much. I feel like their is something wrong with me that this even happens in the first place.

My schedule is all planned out for the next two months. Between school, work , children, and helping my ailing father, I will now have to work around all of this for more Dr. visits and another procedure. Damn!! Can I be pissed off about this. Please, is it ok to be angry, just for a bit?

Enough of my pity party to myself. I hope to return to having not much to write about except how wonderful the food is that I am eating. Otherwise, I will be changing the name of this blog to...urping all seasons

Oct 2nd 2006

Oct 01, 2006

I am feeling well. Getting more comfortable with my size. I am eating without getting sick. Oh, it is so nice to be able to eat. I have been praying that this last dilation will fix me up. So far so good. It is a struggle to get in the calories the dietician wants me to take in while eating nutrious foods that my little Boo can handle. Yeah, I am a dork. I named my pouch Boo. Now I need Boo to stay working just right for me.

I started my classes last week. I enjoy my instructors. My Human Anatomy and Physiology class is going to take much dedication on my part. There is so much to learn. I feel like I have some advantage being that I have worked in the medical field for thirteen years but oh boy. Our bodies must have three names for every part. I actually know and understand much of the stuff we are learning. I am not sure how one handles a class like this knowing little about the human body.


Are people more kind? Are the people I take care of more willing to accept my care? Was I well received at my husbands class reunion? Does the door get opened for me more often? Am I now receiving more smiles from others now? Does it tick me off that we are treated by our size? Yes to all of these.

There is much debate whether this is the easy way out. My thoughts on this, is that it is both. Hard because we struggle so much before we get to the point of taking such drastic measures. I was one hundred pounds overweight. One year ago, I was just going back to work because I had a back injury that left me unable to even walk properly. I was taking pain meds at least three times a day. I was doing breathing treatments daily. I slept with a cpap machine. Everyday seemed like such a struggle just to make it through without pain or difficulty in breathing. Where did this lead me but to depression. The lonely hole, that no one understood but myself. Hell, sometimes I did not understand it.

Why do I also think this is easy. Never mind the hoops you go through to get to the actual surgery date. Yeah, the two week liquid diet sucked. But, it did prepare me. Have I ever lost weight this rapidly? No, never. Have I ever lost this much weight without it already showing back up with some extra, by now? No, never.

This is the smartest choice I could have made for my health. I went from 221 to 120 in eight months time. How did I benefit? I can walk, run, sit, and lay down without pain. I have done two breathing treatments in eight months. I no longer take pain meds. My cpap machine is looking like it needs a good dusting. Too bad it is not even plugged in to run anyways. This time of the year I want to get into my hole..the lonely hole. How do I feel? The best I have felt in years.

It might have been hard to get to the easy way. I am a better person because of it. I am so greatful for this second chance. There is still room for error. I want to remember this always. I can fail but my plan is to succeed. I will use my Boo, correctly. I will use my Boo for my fuel. I do not want to ever be in the position where I am doing it the hard way ever again. Today I am a success, I want to be one tomorrow also.

About Me
Owosso, MI
Location
19.5
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/10/2006
Surgery Date
Sep 01, 2005
Member Since

Friends 30

Latest Blog 32
Where is the time?
Oh I wish I was busy.
My dad's last day.
Dad's homecoming
The week has been busy
Until then..Sunday
Drifted.
It does end well.
Oct 16th 2006
Oct 2nd 2006

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