First Post - 23 days until surgery

Sep 05, 2010

I have been reading on the forums for the past several months during my pre-surgery diet and evaluation, but haven't posted or blogged anything. I never really understood what people blog about...what should I write, and who really cares what I am thinking? I have never been one to journal or keep a diary, but I think now is the perfect time. As I embark on this weight loss journey, I need to be able to put into words what I am thinking and feeling...even if my words just go out to a void of nothingness.

My surgery is in 23 days. Whenever I think about it my eyes well up with tears, even now as I write this. I don't really know why...

No matter what I do, my mind never stops whirling. I lie in bed at night - sometimes for hours - trying to get my mind to slow down so I can go to sleep. I think about my past and my future and wonder what my life has to hold. I wonder what things will be like when I lose all of this weight that is just holding me back. I think about what I will say when I run into people that have treated me poorly and how I can handle those situations graciously. I wonder what it will be like when I will be able to take my daughter on a walk or to the swimming pool and not be unable to breathe or completely embarrassed and uncomfortable. I wonder will things really change in situations like the public swimming pool...are people really looking at me and judging me, or is it all in my head? I wonder how things will change with my husband. Will he finally be able to see who I am and love what he see's? Will he be attracted to the person I become, because he definitely isn't attracted to me now. If he is attracted to the thinner me, will I resent him for not being attracted to me when I was fat? Will people think I am taking the easy way out of fatness by having surgery? Will I be comfortable to talk to people about my experiences when they ask what I did to lose weight?

I am positive that these feelings of uneasiness are the same that most every woman on this website felt in the weeks leading up to their surgery. As I have read through the forums it seems as though I am not completely crazy - which is nice to have reinforced every now and then. I very much look forward to finding out the answers to these questions, (and the million others in my head) and realizing that I wasted too much of my life being a worry-wart, anxious, tending-toward-crazy, self-conscious, overweight person.

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