February 6, 2009

Feb 05, 2009

It's been a bit since I've typed much of anything.  For the most part my days are going well.  I have kept up with my going to the gym and have to say that I really enjoy the tone of my body and being able to feel bones again.  There is still a lot of jiggle in my wiggle but most of that is now skin.  I'm checking into plastics now.  I would like to have my skin around my belly removed and also have my boobs re-inflated.  I was wearing my 42D bra and finally went in for a bra fitting.  I'm a 36B...for cripes sake.  I guess it was time to downsize!  It's amazing what a good bra can do for you. 

On the emotional side of things.  I still struggle daily with my Mom and her cancer.  She's heavily medicated and I think starting to show the early signs of dimensia.  Her sister, mother, aunt and grandmother all suffered from Alzheimers and I believe she is in the beginning stages of it on top of her lung and bone cancer.  One day she is very sweet and upbeat and the next she is mean and nasty.  She will write letters to communicate how she feels about you and these letters usually will leave the recipient in tears.  My sister and I have adjusted to this.  We know that she is not right in her head any longer and that the drugs are basically taking away her social filter.  But others in her life don't get it.  I have gotten many letters telling me what a bad parent I am.  Telling me I need to take care of my body and my weight.  Telling me what a failure I was at being a wife the first time around.  You name it, every area of my life has been attacked.  I used to cry and not speak with her for weeks after getting one of the "lovenotes".  Now I just toss it in the trash or fireplace, say a prayer for her suffering and move on.  I know this is very tough on my dad as well.  I see the stress in his face everytime I go there.  I see him trying to help and having her push him away.  What really hit home with me was last month when I went to buy her a birthday card.  I read through all the cards that an adult daughter would give to her mother.  Nothing fit.  I don't have the love and friendship relationship like they show in the commercials.  I don't have the close knit feeling that she is my confidante and I can trust her with anything and I can go to her for support.  I ended up just buying a generic Happy Birthday card and felt guilty.  I feel like I should have those feelings.  But I don't.  I respect her as my mother.  I love her for who she is.  I understand this horrible disease she is going through.  It's just hard to take a seriously deep look at our overall relationship and say it was healthy.  It has never been healthy.  I need to work on accepting it for what it is and getting that fullfillment elsewhere.  Again, I pray everyday for her well being and for my father's strength. 

My marriage is wonderful.  I am truly blessed with having my best friend be my soul mate.  Bob has been the strength in my weary bones every day.  He and my son are what keep me going in this weight loss journey.  Bob and Max have encouraged, supported and loved me through THICK and Thin.  They are my heros and I am grateful that God has blessed me with that support.  Life is good and I will survive the hard stuff in order to reap the rewards of the good. 

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