Just thinking about how far i've come...

Jun 17, 2009

Contemplating....                              Weight. Why was this the one thing that had to rule my life? Why was it the most important thing that made me who i am? My weight affected everything i did, and everyone i met. I couldn't paint my toe nails, cross my legs, or go up the stairs without huffing and puffing. Whenever i'd meet someone new they'd give me that look like "omg she's huge!"

                             I don't understand why outer appearences rule the outcome of someone's favor of liking you or disliking you! I'll never understand it. you should love me or hate me for who i am, not for what i look like. judge me on what kind of person i am, not by how much cellulite i have under my skin. Some people are just raised ignorant i guess.

                             So for the last few days i've been contemplating about my surgery. Where i started, what i've been through, how far i've come, and how it's affected me mentally and physically. I never thought being so light would actually make you feel like you could float in mid air. lol.  i  guess cuz i've been so heavy all my life ,  i don't know what it's like to  not be weighed down by your body. lol. I can cross my legs now, wear the cutest damn clothing. hell, i'm a size 8 in pants for god sakes! my whole life i've struggled to get past a size 16!

                               So i'm wondering.... when i get to my goal weight... then what? will i be satisfied? will i be disappointed? will i scream with joy? or will i cry tears of happiness? I think about it all the time. My weight was always holding me back. with my weight gone and out of the way... what will i do? do i just enjoy my life? or will something else pop in to make me unhappy? will i start thinking of something else that's wrong with me? i hope not! a lot of people say you still will have crisis' after the surgery. just because you lose the weight doesn't mean you'll be granted a perfect life. that may be true, but in my opinion its being released from a prison and soaring out to freedom. 

                           The one thing i've come to notice though that might be a bad thing out of this experience is i've become so much more vein than i ever was before,... i used to hide from the camera, now i'm taking full body shots and poses. i used to look away from the mirror as much as i could. now i'm freakin in love with myself just staring at my ribs and lines and indents in my legs, seeing the curves in my hips.. is it really such a bad thing? and being the shy person that i was i let people walk all over me, say yes to everything just to be loved and have people like me. Now i couldn't give a flying f*ck. i'll say no if it doesn't fit my needs and if you don't like me.. that's your problem! Oh yes i'm cocky now, can you blame me? i've blossomed into a new person! i don't care what anybody thinks about me anymore. And i'm so glad i don't worry about that anymore. that always use to get me depressed. now i just turn the other cheek with a smile on my face. "you smile in sympathy" as depeche mode would say. lol.

                                I've never been so philisophical before. now i'm always thinking, and working my brain. and i feel so at peace with myself because of how happy i am that i'm finally taking care of me! i hated shopping for clothes. now it's my new favorite pass time. lol. food isn't an issue anymore. i used to be addicted to it, now i just go "eh, i guess i'll eat" not because i want to, but because i have to.  eating to live is better than living to eat. 

                             My point is i can finally begin to enjoy and live my life now, and i can handle no matter what comes my way. I just can't wait til i hit 145. Look out world, there is a new Darcy on earth! and she's a skinny little biotch!

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