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May 16, 2012 will be my one year surgerversary...I haven written in awhile..but I do want to make this brief and a quick note on my progress.. I have been dealing with a major Plateau since December...up and down the same 5-7lbs since then..
Let me jump back 2 weeks ago before I discuss my one year...  I finally decided i am going to try the best that i can to jump out of this major depression, and start being motivated again..for myself..and for my daughter...which we all know how traumatic life has been for me these past 6-7 months..I am trying to hold onto the fact that i had surgery and cut 85% of my stomach out to be healthy, and i am not going to let myself fall into bad habits..which I have been..I have been finding comfort in food...and i will say again, Thank God for the sleeve because I probably would have gained 50lbs by now...
ANYWAY...
 I started trying to go to my gym at work..and I was even motivated enough to run on the treadmill..I never...NEVER ran without almost dying, but before i knew it, i was able to run a mile without even hardly breaking a sweat...I attempted this a few times and was feeling good about my accomplishments..but then the pain came...I mentioned before about a hernia that i have found once i started losing so much weight.. well, it is now bothering me bad.. cramps, shooting pains, pressure all in my lower abdomen..so when i exercise for a day or two, i have 3 or 4 days of pain..
So...I finally called the plastic Surgeon...I met with him and in the next few months, i will be having the hernia repair and skin removal..
Back to my one year appointment today, my doctor was completely devastated about my tragedies... He told me to stop being so hard on myself...Losing 100lbs in a year is still above average for the sleeve, and to give myself credit for what i have already accomplished while even going through major stress, depression, and loss.... He put me on an exercise restriction and told me to do sedentary bikes, or weight training on my arms until i have the hernia repair...no running because of the pounding and pressure it puts on my stomach..He and the plastic surgeon agree that now is the right time to fix this hernia, and skin removal because it will boost my motivation again, give me a chance to start exercising without pain, and then i can continue to lose more weight.and with the surgery, i could lose 15-20lbs from removing skin and scar tissue from my C sections... and even if i lose 20 more lbs after the surgery, my stomach would never get to the point that it is now, and exercise would tone up any leftover flab... I want to be under 200lbs.. I am on my way, but very slowly at this point.. but I am definitely moving forward...

So, just a quick update... I'm still miserable, still have really bad days... and finally got on the scale scared that i gained like 10 lbs...but i didn't  My lowest weight was on December 2, 2011 at 217.2...  2 days ago I was 220.4.... I am up 3.2lbs... I just am thankful i have the sleeve because as ridiculous as i have been not taking care of myself, and feel like i am stuffing my face, but with the sleeve, it is forcing me still to eat little...i have to work on my snacking... as of right now, i am doing okay.. an hour from now could be worse.. Life has been extremely hard and stressful, and at times hard to even breathe.. but just an update...I am here.

So..I haven't been on here in so long...My life is completely flipped upside down..I don't know where to turn, or what to do.. I was so motivated, and so strong...and then...well, last i really was on here, i lost my sister...who would have thought 6 weeks later (november 20, 2011) I also lost my brother...He was active duty military and was found dead in his barracks...we have no answers, we have no cause...all we know is we got the phone call..and have had military in our lives since...My life is completely a meltdown...so much is going on...I have been diagnosed with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and I'm really f*cked up in the head......I see a psychiatrist this thursday....I have completely loss track of anything i am eating...I eat candy, cookies, pasta, junk food..all of course in smaller amounts but even that is starting to get easier...i just devoured a protein bar, and then a pint of chocolate ice cream... Not only have I been dealing with the losses of my siblings suddenly, and the PTSD that I am experiencing makes me feel like i am losing my mind, but now my fiance is really sick with kidney disease...and just had a shunt put in for dialysis....My daughter is sick with double ear infections...and all i want to do is eat all day long...when i'm not crying, or completely losing my mind with arguing in my head, and having flashes of the nights my siblings died, I am eating... I have gained 6 lbs since the first week of december..and last i checked was almost 2 weeks ago..i might have even gained more..I hate myself,  I hate how weak i have become, I hate how I am falling apart and can't gain control..I hate how i am losing my mind..but most of all, I hate how just this past september, i was strong, sexy, determined woman..I had strentgh and felt strong to finally say that i want to move on with so much major problems being with my daughter's father (myfiance) for 9 years..and having major financial issues with him....now i am weak, frail, and just don't care...All of my life i wanted this motivation..I wanted this strength..and I never thought that after losing a child in 2002, I would ever hurt as much as I did..and i bounced back, did this for myself, and for my daughter...and now, i hurt all over again and I hurt knowing what it feels like to lose a child for my mother who has lost 2 adult children (32 and 31) in just 6 weeks apart...I hurt for my nieces growing up without a mother, and now without an uncle..and for my nephews and niece growing up without a father, and an aunt...6 children without one of their parents all under the age of 15..and my youngest niece is 18 months old.....i am hurting so much and i can't be strong anymore......and that vicious cycle of eating because i am depressed, and depressed because i am eating is back..and i can't control it... I just don't know what to do...and now my daughte's father is sicker..and that is just one more problem on my plate...i fear he will die on me too..EVery which way i turn in my life is stress, problems, and issues..and my beautiful daughter is such an angel, she is my sunshine in the middle of this, but i see her at most 2 hours a day because i work fulltime...and when i do see her, i am crying, or freaking out...and she sees my like this...like i am some type of monster...they say god doesn't give you too much to handle..well, i am way past that point..i can't do this anymore...I want myself back...and sadly, i only had it for a few months after surgery..i havent even made it to a year yet...and look at me...i'm losing this battle....and not losing the weight..I am still down about 100lbs... but i'm gaining...I don't know what else to say...

I had my Halloween party this past weekend... and other than having 4-6in of snow, broken tree limbs, downed wires, and my tent completely caving in from the weight of the water/snow, it was awesome, and i still managed to have 40 people show up...lol  Since the day after my party last year, I knew what i was going to be.  I was completely disgusted and sickened when seeing my pictures from last years party that i finally said ENOUGH and started researching AGAIN weight loss surgery...but i knew that if i was going to pull off what i wanted to be this year, I needed to lose alot of weight.  (just an FYI, I didn't do the surgery for the Halloween party even though a few friends of mine and myself joke about it, I did it for my health, my daughter, and to live life better...the Halloween party was definitely my tipping scale).  So Last year, when i saw the pictures of my fiance and I being Mario and Luigi, I almost puked and was sickened by how big I was... Of course Mario is a fat Italian guy, but i pulled the part off way too good..and that's what sickened me...  This year, I was Jessica Rabbit, and fiance was Roger rabbit...We looked fantastic.. I spent the last few weeks sewing and creating our costumes.. I kept my mind focused on this party, and Halloween so i could take a break from the overwhelming sadness of my sister dying that I didn't realize how much i outdid myself with these costumes.  Not only were the costumes fantastic, but i wore 5 in red hott "f*ck me" heels that I think since i made it through the whole night wearing them, i now can check off my goal of wearing hott sexy heels... Every where i went, i heard people talking about how fantastic and hott i looked... i didn't know whether to flirt, or to yell "You didn't even notice me 100lbs ago."  LOL  but of course, i flirted, and I worked that costume like i was the hand drawn sexy cartoon...and of course i was saying all night "I'm not bad...I'm just drawn that way."  LOL

So the first picture is my before (last year's) Halloween party as Mario and Luigi...I'm the fat one in red (of course)...ewww



And Now 101.6lbs down..(get ready!)  Here is Me as Jessica Rabbit and roger Rabbit(my fiance)



And then this is my daughter and I dressed as Pirates for trick or treating...

I find it hard to even type this blog out because I have had a devastating last week. My sister tragically and suddenly passed away on October 2 at the age of 32 years old, leaving behind her husband and my 3 nieces. The oldest girls are having their 15th and 12th birthdays this coming week, and she leaves behind also my 16month old niece. I feel like my world has been crushed and turned upside down. She was my only sister. I just am extremely depressed, and angry and hurt that I don't know what to do... I lost 6lbs the first 3 days after my horrible news but now i find myself wanting to reach for food for that old familiar comfort feeling. I am completely stressed because not only have I been having financial problems myself with my fiance and I having major issues and breaking up, I just had to bury my sister, and am now probably going to take on some financial help with raising my nieces. I am so afraid that after all of this, i am going to gain and gain...My life feels like it is spinning out of control....HELP!

I have hit a major achievement in this journey!!!  I was offered an interview for a promotion in work, and without hesitating i agreed to apply for this position and to have an interview which happened to be today. Well, with my 83lbs down, I have been trying my hardest not to spend much money on clothes, but how can you go to an interview without a suit.  My suits i had were floating on me.  So this morning before leaving for work, i went to Kohls, and to my friggen absolute amazement...I WORE A SIZE 16 SUIT!!!!!!   I say it again 16!!!!!!!!  I don't even remember being in a 16 my whole life.. the only time i can remember is being a pudgy little girl having to wear adult size outfits because the kids clothes would not fit....  I felt so confident going into my interview today...and dammit felt sexy and powerful too!!! 

So I went on a week cruise with some family and friends and I learned that vacationing is so much more relaxing when you are down 80+ pounds. The airplane ride was comfortable, chairs fit me normal.. I even fit into the one size fits most bath robes they supply in your rooms... I had no problem climbing steps, walking through the straw markets.. Life is so much easier when you lose weight... Eating was easy too.. I stuck with salads and protein... I even had some frozen yogurt a few times during the week. I had drinks and went dancing.. I spent extra money on more expensive drinks because i didn't buy the 1000 calorie fruity drink specials that i always would have PRE-OP but it worked out well, because even though i was drinking mojitos(asked for no sugar by the way) and drinking vodka and lime, I didn't drink as much as I would have pre-op so the price kind of equaled out..lol  I had one day that I was upset with my food choice... Everyone got in the burger and fried line, and before I could say "No bun, and no fries", the server quickly threw the fries on my plate... I took the bun off, but I ate some fries..and boy did I regret it.. I was so sick afterwards..I even made myself throw up..so I now know I wont ever eat fries again... I wouldnt want that feeling...but its a good thing knowing how sick i get...
So, I had a ball... I winded up getting aunt flo my last day on vacation, so on sunday I checked my weight and it said I gained 2 lbs in 9 days.. I was pleased with that knowing that i spent all week on vacation and even had aunt flo and the scale was only up 2lbs.  Today I weighed myself again, and I went down 4.4lbs...lol  I am loving my sleeve and so glad I chose to do this!!!  Life has been so much fun..and energetic!!!  I have included some pics..lol 
Oh and on a side note, my cousin started his pre op liquid diet yesterday..he is hanging in there!

Me wearing the one size fits most robe!!                                                                                               Formal Night

 I am trying to stay positive with the "I rather have a flat tire than a full tire" outlook on the hanging skin.. My stomach is bad, and it was bad before i even had surgery..majority of my weight lies in my stomach.  9 years ago I had an emergency vertical C section which I was butchered because they were trying to act fast to get the baby out (Unfortunately my son died) so i have the hanging apron or I call it BIF (Butt in front).  Since i lost 80lbs it is getting smaller, but it is hanging lower and lower.  I HATE IT!!! I dont care about my boobs, butt, arms, inner thighs, its this ugly fatty split in half BUTT i have in the front of me.  I went to a doctors check up last friday and showed him a fist size ball that i have discovered right next to my c section scar.  lying down you can't notice it, but when i stand, it is definitely distinctive.  I thought i noticed this about a year ago, but chalked it up to my imagination and that i am just fat., but now that i have lost so much weight, it is definitely there. When i showed my surgeon, he says it appears to be a hernia.  When i had the VSG, he informed me that because of the amount of scare tissue i had from the c section, it was growing likes vines, and wrapping around my intestines.. he removed some of it, but he did not probe further because he didnt want to agravate anything.  So... not that having another surgery is good news...BUT!!!!! (and this is a big BUT!!!) My surgeon came right out and said to me "Not to wish ill on you, but you just found your reason for your insurance to cover the skin removal."  Of course he wants me to lose as much as I can first before we dive into it, but he ordered a cat scan and wants to start getting the ball rolling to repair the hernia and remove the hanging skin...I am estatic!  It couldnt be in a better place... the hernia  is right at the ugly apron of skin.. so i am sure it all wont be covered the way that he broke down the cost categories to me (hospital fee, surgery fee, and doctor's fee and then plastics) but he said 3 out of the 4 would be covered!!!

After a tough 3 weeks of aunt flo, stalls, and Matthew's anniversary, I am finally losing again.. lol And I have reached 80lbs lost... It's crazy...

So i went to my check up with Dr. T.  He is thrilled about my weight loss so far, and said i am doing fine.  I also discussed with him the fist size ball i have found under my skin near my vertical c section scar.  He think it is a hernia and without hesitation said "You just found your reason for the insurance to aprove your skin removal."  LOL  I am soo excited about that, but at the same time nervous.  I hope it is a hernia, and not cancer or anything. But Dr. T seems very sure that it is a hernia, but i have to schedule a cat scan to make sure. 

So Saturday I am going on a wedding cruise!!!  I am thrilled, excited, and nervous all balled into one..lol This will be my 9th cruise and now with 80 lbs down, I feel like i can do anything...I even was thinking about parasailing, or zip lining... I am going to ochos rios jamaica so i am definitely doing dunns river falls.  The night before the cruise we are heading to South Beach in Miami for the bachelorette party!! Thats going to be ridiculous and crazy!!! This is a much eeded vacation for me... its a week out with the girls... I am keeping the baby home which i am so nervous about but i know she will be fine...I am going to be sick from missing her so much..but mommies need breaks right>????  More to update on later....

So since I finally took the leap and gave myself this wonderful gift, I have all kinds of people asking questions now and saying "I want what you had done"(usually how they ask me for info..lol)  WLS was something I said for years, and every year people would just nod and agree but really knew it was me just talking ish...lol But this year was a shock for everyone when the guidelines were done, and the surgery came and went, and now i am down 73lbs in about 3 months... The first person who jumped on the band wagon was my male cousin who imediately texted me after hearing my initial "I set up a consultation appointment" and he said "I want to do it too!".  He is also the reason that i changed my mind from the RNY to the sleeve because 2 months after my comsultation, he had his and was told all about the sleeve.  When I had my consultation, it was still considered experimental and they really didnt discuss it because the insurances were not approving the sleeve at that time.. So to make the long story short, I got the news today that my cousin has a surgery date!!!  September 26th he will be sleeved... I am so proud and excited for him.. I joke around saying we are going to be sleeve buddies.... He is roughly 350lbs but fortunately he has had no real signs of comorbities as of yet which we all know that it would be a matter of time.....
So I am very excited and also very proud of myself because i took the plunge, so far am succeeding, and my success is pushing others to achieve this goal as well... I tell everyone I don't regret it at all..and will always be an advocate of the sleeve.  So many people are now learning about it through my experience..I can't wait til my cousin is on the losers bench... I try to get him to join here but I dunno, as a man, he tends to keep this very private...so far... I may just have to push OH in his face one day and say JOIN!!..lol OH has helped me so much, and I know it will help him too!