melsreturn
8/11/2006 My file is now officially "in review" with Blue Cross. I hope and pray that everything they want and need is there, getting me approved.
I started Weight Watchers after doing the low carb diet for about 2 1/2 yrs. Its so different because I am able to have foods that were a "no no" on carb diets, such as pasta, bread, and desserts. Of course I am eating the WW brands and doing the points system. A friend of mine asked why I couldn't just continue doing what I am doing now, why do I still have to have surgery? And like I know and have heard, the losing of the weight isn't the issue. Its keeping it off. I need the tool to help me not want to eat and to restrict how much can go in.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't sign on to OH and look at the before and after pics. They are so encouraging. My goal is to have my before and after picture on there and have someone say, "My God, look at that!" and perhaps it can give someone else encouragement to keep on keepin' on. That's all for now.
9/7/06 Finally! I received my approval today! Praise the Lord and hallelujah! It's been a chore but I did not give up. I was denied two times, and after choosing a new surgeon, that office submitted the appeal. I worked hard in gathering all of my own records and documents, even faxing them as needed to Blue Cross. I know the stall tactics, and at times I felt confident but when I got the first, then second denials - - arrghgh!! I felt like the wind was let out of my sails. All I can say is... finally I can get on with the next step of the process.
10/10/06 Admitted to Centennial Medical Center, Nashville, Tennessee to have Laparoscopic RNY. Performed by Dr. Hugh Houston.
10/12/06 Released from CMC and went to my mother's house for recuperation time.
10/19/06 Went to Dr. Houston for my follow up appointment today. Unfortuntely, I have not done so great in getting my protein in and my daily medicines are difficult to take by crushing. He released me to start protein shakes and also added cottage cheese since I need the protein so much and I love cottage cheese. He said perhaps that would help me get it all in. I have lost 17 pounds since surgery. I have gotten around pretty good and been feeling fine but today I think it just caught up with me. I was nauseated and didn't feel well all day today. The lack of protein may have had something to do with the nausea but I'm on the shakes already so that will improve. My time off has been extended til October 30th.
10/20/06 I didn't feel so great today. I think the past few days of being busy has finally caught up with me. I stayed in bed all day long til about 4:00. I did make sure to get in my protein. Also I haven't kept my wellbutrin up like I should and so I have felt some dizziness/strange twirling spells like I did the last time I got the wellbutrin leaving my system. But I am on track on hopefully the side effects will go away soon.
10/26/06 Went to see Dr. Houston. He wanted to admit me but I talked him into a 23 hour outpatient observation because Centennial is a higher copay for inpatient admission. I received several IV bags of saline and potassium but the dizziness I experienced would not go away. As the day grew on, I became agitated and had several crying spells. Then I remembered being taken off the Lexapro last week and was not tapered off of it. I didn't know what the reaction would or could be. So I got home today and looked it up on the internet. Sure enough, there were my symptoms. I called my primary care physician as suggested by Dr. Houston and he verified that it was probably the Lexapro causing these problems. So I am starting back on the Lexapro. Anti depressants are so complex but I guess it just wasn't time to come off of them right now... so I am hoping this weekend that the Lexapro will get back into my system and this terrible dizziness will cease.
12/17/06 I was in the hospital again a few weeks ago - from a Thursday afternoon until Tuesday afternoon. The doctor ordered IV's for dehydration and a scope. It was found that I had a stricture and that's why I was not able to eat much. Instead of being the size of a thumb, my stomach was the size of a bic inkpen barrell. I was basically starving to death and malnourished for eight weeks. They dilated a balloon and stretched my stomach opening. I am able to eat again! Many have asked why I had the stricture and if the doctor was responsible. But, I knew full well that this was a risk of surgery, just one of possible things that could happen. Some people's bodies do it, others do not. I am feeling much stronger as I'm able to get in the protein. It was so bad before, I would get sick just to hear about food. I was not able to eat there at the end. My body rejected even the sound or thought of food. Not now! I am finally getting the protein and liking eggs again.
I went to Dr. Houston's Christmas party on Friday night. This is nine weeks out from surgery and my last picture was taken the week I came home from having the surgery. I could not believe the difference in before/after. I just kept looking at the pictures and didn't see myself as some fat girl. I had an interesting thing happen tonight. I was waiting to cross the parking lot to go into Dollar Tree and some guy stopped his car to let me go. He had his window down and he said, "Ladies first." As small as that may sound, it shocked me because when I was younger, a group of guys riding together may occasionally holler out things to make fun of me. This is the first time a guy said something nice and respectful without making a joke. Just to get a little personal, perhaps that is why I don't like attention from men and never really cared to have relationships because deep down I could not believe they saw me as truly beautiful or pretty... and any comments/remarks they made came from some sick joke. Anyway, enough of the self examination for today.
12/28/06 I am feeling great! Since being in the Succeed program which started in May, I have now lost 64 pounds. My clothes sizes are all going down and I have been through 4 wardrobes. The pants I started out in were size 22, and shirts were 2X. Now I am in a size 16 pant and XL tops. It feels wonderful to have an outfit where I can tuck the shirt in to my pants and wear a nice belt. Before surgery, I would have never worn a shirt tucked in. Hope everyone had a blessed Christmas. I had a fantastic one with my family and friends... Santa brought me so much and what he didn't bring, I bought for myself! It was a joy to give presents this year. I felt better about myself and wanted to help others feel better too. I can now cross my legs without pulling my foot up! And my shoe laces aren't crooked anymore because I don't have to tie them with my foot twisted sideways on my knee. My parents bought me a beautiful red dress, size Large which is really like an 8 or 10, for Christmas. I can't wear it YET, and my 8 yr old nephew said, "She will never get into that!" But look out little kiddy... I am coming up fierce and mean.... I am going to be in that little red dress before you can say "milkshake and fries!"
1/9/07 This is my first post of 2007! Lately I have been feeling so good. Sometimes I feel thinner and I have more energy than I used to. I also feel wonderful after getting the scope done and stomach stretched last month. Tomorrow is my follow up appointment with Dr. Houston. He is a wonderful doctor and I love his office staff. They are friendly and caring, and great to visit with when in the office. People at work are supportive... always callling me skinny and telling me how much I have lost. This makes me feel great about myself. I find that I also love talking to people about the surgery and showing them my pre surgery picture and the picture taken at the doctor's Christmas party. I am now into size 16 pants and an extra large shirt. I got my hair cut this past Saturday, and colored with highlights. I wanted something different since I've lost weight. I also enjoy buying new clothes A LOT! Luckily I bought the snugly fitting pants so that as I lose more weight, they will still fit probably down to a low 14.
1/15/07 Before starting my weight loss program and having gastric bypass, I took my measurements. Last night I re-took them and here are the results.
Breasts - 47 1/2 New: 40 (7 1/2 lost)
Stomach - 57 1/2 New: 48 1/2 (9 lost)
Hips - 58 1/2 New: 49 (8 1/2 lost x 2)
Legs (upper thigh) - 32 New: 24 1/2 (8 1/2 lost x 2)
Upper arms - 17 New: 14 1/2 (2 1/2 lost x 2)
That's over 55 inches! I did not realize how much I had lost... I am totally shocked.
1/16/07 Forgive me if I've already posted this, but I weaned myself off Wellbutrin. I used to take the extended release, which is a no-no after surgery. In October, they put me on regular release generic wellbutrin (bupropion) 3 times a day, 100 mg for each tablet. Well, I could not stand taking any pills, so I only took one in the morning, one in the evening. That means I automatically took myself off of 100 mg. Weeks, maybe six, went by. I got tired of taking the pills even more... so I only took a 100 mg pill each night. Finally, I started skipping to every other night only because my hatred for pills, and my awful memory. This took place from October til late November, early December.
I would say that it has worked. I normally get very depressed every year at Christmas. I become sad, weepy, feeling sorry for others who do not have anything, etc. but this year, I started my Christmas shopping and had it done before Thanksgiving! I have never done that! I was so happy all season long. Not one single ounce of sadness, loneliness, weepiness, depression. I could not wait til Christmas to give to everyone, and spend time with my family. There was a sense of expectation for a wonderful holiday... and it was not a disappointment...
Now I am going to ask my PCP to help me wean off of Lexapro. Remember by my earlier profile entries that I had quite a time with it, when I got off my pill taking routine. It is nothing to mess with, and that's why I am going to get his help. Actually I didn't start out trying to get off of Wellbutrin; it just kind of ended up that way. But Lexapro is a different story. It messes with your circuit system, makes you dizzy, all kinds of stuff. But I was taking it due to PMDD caused from birth control pills to help my periods stay regular. But I have been off birth control now since July an don't think I need it anymore. I will let you know what the doctor says...
I felt hopeless. Too fat to even go to church. I went to work because I needed to make a living. I wanted to stay in bed every day. I would never look at my side view through a long glass window. Nothing made me feel pretty. I owned every Estee Lauder product on the market. I still felt ugly. No one knew the pain I felt. I didn't allow myself to admit the pain to anyone. I never believed that any man could love me. Being married was never a possibility. I pretended to want to stay single. I pretended I didn't want children.
But then I had gastric bypass. Now my life's opportunities are becoming real. I feel lovable. I feel pretty. I feel like someone could love ME. I can't wait to see what life has in store.
1/18/07 I am getting so many compliments and remarks from people I work with. Some I don't even know who they are... today I had to visit the employee service center to find out if my supplements (vitamins, calcium, sublingual B12, and yes even protein shakes, powders, bars are covered by flexible spending!) would be covered by my flexible spending and the two people I talked with both said something about how much I had lost. The first lady said, "You are getting so skinny!" That is a remark that I do not get tired of hearing! I have had a week of wows... I looked at my wrist in the car earlier this week while on my way to work... and oh my goodness... I could see the wrist bone! Can you believe it? I just kept looking at my wrist, turning it all around, and thinking how happy I am that this weight is coming off. If there were ever any doubts as to whether the surgery was worth it, this week would have definitely removed every single doubt. Even a pair of my shoes are loose and I thought I might walk out of them. Do you think its possible for me to go from a size 9 shoe to a 7 1/2? I hope so, as I have some good friends who have beautiful shoes that I can borrow!! haha. Miracles have happened so I guess my size 9 boats can shrink down just like the rest of my body.
1/24/07 I had a wonderful and funny thing happen last Friday at my PCP's office. Keep in mind that I have not seen him since prior to surgery when I was trying to lose my 10% required body weight for Blue Cross to approve my surgery. I was sitting in the room and when he came in, he said, "I'm sorry but I don't think I remember you." I said, "Well, good! I have some pictures to show you!" And when he looked at the before/after pictures, he said "It looked like all that letter writing finally worked." I don't think either one of us could believe it! He said that I was doing great, and there was no reason I couldn't come off the Lexapro. He gave me some suggestions for weaning off the medicine. I am going to have my annual eye exam today after work, and even though it's not time for new frames, I am getting some new ones! NEW GLASSES FOR A NEW LOOK FOR A NEW GIRL. Last night I had to give my size 16W pants to my neice. They are now too big and my other 16s are becoming baggy. 14s are just around the corner, but thank goodness my closet is packed with them since a friend of mine gave them to me prior to surgery. I remember when she gave them, some 16s, 14s, I thought, "I will never be able to wear them. Maybe I should give them to someone who could actually use them." But now here I am, four months later, and ready for the 14s. I am so glad I chose to have this surgery.
1/26/07 Oh my achin' back! I feel worse this week than I did at my highest weight of 251 pounds. My back is killing me! I went to the Spine Center in Nashville yesterday for an initial consultation. The chiropractor, Dr. Benedict, was very nice and thorough in his exam. They took 6 xrays and I go back Monday for treatment. He said that he sees this in a lot of people who have lost a lot of weight. Evidently the muscles have to adjust to where the weight is, and now that things have changed so much, my back needs some adjusting time and help... this is yet another lesson I can add to the gastric bypass experience... when and if someone else says their back hurts, I will definitely pass this information along. I asked my primary care physician about my back and he didn't really know about losing weight affecting things. One great thing happened. I looked up my bmi on some website and it said that I was moderately obese... no longer severely or morbidly! Hallelujah! I will be much happier when it says slightly obese, and even healthy! But I will settle right now for moderate.
1/27/07 I had something happen today which was funny... Mike and I used to eat a lot at the Mexican restaurant in town. They know us and are always so nice... we haven't been in quite awhile though. We went for lunch and the lady that does the register looked at me funny and said, "I know you..." while trying to figure out who I was... I said, "I hope you know me... I'm Kelly's sister" and she came by our table after we were seated just to look at me again... in disbelief. She could not believe how much I had lost, evidently. That was funny.
2/8/07 Saturday is my 4 month surgiversary! I cannot believe it. Seems like a year ago! I guess that is good... it means I have situated in quite nicely and life is normal now... not "normal" as the way it used to be... a new kind of normal. I think I have settled nicely. Today I went to Dr. Houston. My left side has been feeling strange. When I bend or move, I can feel something in there move around. It doesn't hurt, but its been doing it for about a week and a half now. Its beginning to aggravate me. Its like a muscle that is overused and is getting tired... Dr. Houston said he wanted to take a look at it to make sure it was not a hernia from the surgery sites. He didn't feel anything though. It could be scar tissue, fat bubble, cellulite. He just said that if it starts to hurt, let him know. I am so glad I had the surgery because I have more energy and am looking better, but I hope I do not start having health problems from the surgery. But, if I would not have had the surgery, I was going to have a completely different set of health problems.... I will have to trust and pray that everything will be fine... and pay attention to the changes in my body.
2/11/07 Yesterday was my four month Surgiversary. Before GBS, I had never heard of that word. Now it's something which excites me. I have lost a total of 85 pounds and I feel great! Mentally I am viewing myself in a better light and my self esteem is coming back. Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror and just think: "How did this happen?" My body has and continues to change. And, I know I make my family and friends take a lot of pictures... but its just that I want to celebrate every moment - - and be able to look back at the pictures and remember those moments.
2/16/07 I want to talk about relationships. Or in my case, a lack of. There is a guy at work that I think is handsome. I found out that he is a year younger than I am, and single. Wonderful! Right? My co-worker said I should go down to get my badge changed (he works in security). But, what if he sees how fat I USED to be? IF he liked me at all, would this be weird for him? What if he thinks "she'll gain weight back". I don't know.. I just have some strange thoughts in my crazy head. Now keep in mind my blog today... about how emotional I am due to hormones and that time of month... but sometimes I think "I've lost so much weight." On the other hand, I am not ready to see some of the acquaintances in my life because I wonder, "What if I haven't lost that much weight and they can't tell?" I am struggling with thoughts toward myself. Sometimes I feel great and skinny. Other times I still feel fat and unacceptable. Is this normal? It would be easy to hide these thoughts but I would rather put them in black and white. Maybe there are others who have experienced or are experiencing it now... if so, do they have some suggestions? Maybe it would help us all to be honest and see that what we experience is normal... anyway... thats all for today.
Well its about time for the dreaded visitor... ick. I have been so emotional the past few days. I felt so bad by the time I got to work yesterday morning...didn't get enough sleep all week, kept thinking about my hair looking bad, and my eyes being dark and sunken in to my head, and I just wasn't feeling too happy about myself. Then I was upset at work because I feel like I am being "schisted" into a position and duties that I don't want... but that's another story...
I almost left a team meeting because I just wanted to cry. No reason in particular; several reasons combined. But then I realized maybe its hormones... after all, its almost that time of month. And then on my way to the doctor's office at lunch, I almost burst into tears listening to some praise and worship music. Then I cried during Grey's Anatomy. But then again, so did several other ladies at work, I found out. Needless to say, I'm a woman... experiencing emotions... waiting on the visitor... Isn't life grand!? But one great thing happens during my period - - I don't gain weight! Not since Gastric Bypass surgery. Just get emotional.
2/17/07 I clicked on the People - Upcoming Surgery Anniversaries.... I thought, "I wonder what success rate the RNY patients have had" and started clicking on people who have a one year anniversary today. There was not one single person who had kept up their profile or posted after pictures. Then I continued on to the two year people. I only clicked on 3 people... still the same thing. They did not update their profiles and no after pictures. I guess it must be just me.... but I like to post new pictures so people won't continue to think I am at 251 pounds which my absolute highest. And, I would like to help encourage others who are thinking about weight loss or who may be in a lull. You just never know where your name might show up and who might decide to click on your profile. I also have this desire to share my experiences... if not for anyone else, for me. I was at the doctor's office yesterday and had my before picture, showing a few people who never saw me fat. I just started this particular chiropractor's services about three weeks ago (I think). As I was showing it to the physical therapist, a patient said, "I don't mean to be nosy but what kind of surgery did you have?" Well by the time I had left the therapy area, I had shown three patients. One was a guy. I didn't care if I had no idea who these people were... all I knew was that I felt wonderful and happy. So I would like to keep posting my little journal entries, however insignificant they may seem, and posting my picture every week because it seems that I have become fascinated with savoring the moment and wanting to celebrate it again and again.
2/20/07 I thought it was high time to post a new blog.. so here it goes. But I will warn you... it may be of graphic nature. Men may wish to refrain from reading it. So its my time of month. I've been depressed, crying a lot, feeling sad, terrible about myself. So what on earth does a person do? Go to the nearest CVS and buy products that will give you a quick fix. For instance, my friend said my hair looked terrible. So I bought several kinds of hair products that are guaranteed to make me look like a fabulous supermodel. (So if there is a guarntee, how come I can't get my money back) Another friend said I had dark sunken eyes, causing me to look tired. So I bought some cream eye shadows in light colors which will prevent me from looking tired and my eyes from looking heavy and droopy. I also spent $12 on clear mascara which of all places I finally located after the fact at Walmart for $4.97!! Now today I am feeling pretty good about my new purchases even though I haven't used them yet... but tomorrow I will wake up feeling fresh, alive and new as my period will be over and so will the effects that it has had on my body... and I will regret spending all my hard earned money on stupid quick fixes at the local CVS drugstore...or Walgreens if that is your place of choice... sometimes I go to Walgreens too...
Today I refigured my BMI. It's 28.3 which is considered moderately obese and does not qualify me for bariatric surgery! Well isn't that great? I am no longer morbidly obese just as many others have written about these past few weeks and days. I look forward to the day that it says I am healthy and not overweight... but til then I will settle for moderately obese...
2/21/07 I was thinking about a turning point in my life concerning college... it was after my first semester that I attended my roommate's (who was a graduating senior) graduation program. I will never forget sitting there thinking, "One day... that will be me." Over the next four years I longed to pack up and move back home to Tennessee, 8 hours away. I wanted to quit so many times. But yet in the back of my mind was that thought... and the memory... of being at that graduation... "One day... that will be me." I endured. I worked hard. I persevered. And in 2001, I sat in that same auditorium with pride that I had accomplished what I had purposed in my heart.
Four years later... when I began visiting Obesity Help, I sat in amazement staring at the before/after pictures of patients who had gastric bypass surgery. Whenever I became discouraged in my own weight loss journey, I signed onto OH and thought that old familar sentence, "One day... that will be me." It was a hard journey. Diets, carb counting, calorie counting, Weight Watchers, Atkins, South Beach, exercise regimens, support groups, you name it... but I persevered. In October 2006, finally I had my surgery. Now after losing 87 pounds, I am seeing the pounds fall off. Again, the goal I purposed in my heart is being accomplished. I am so happy and proud of the results... knowing that soon I will have my picture up on that before/after forum for other to be inspired by.
New measurements:
Breasts - Begin: 47 1/2 New: 38 (9 1/2 lost)
Stomach - Begin 57 1/2 New: 42 1/2 (15 lost)
Hips - Begin: 58 1/2 New: 45 (13 1/2 lost)
Legs (per leg, upper thigh) - Begin: 32 New: 23 (18 for both)
Upper arms (per arm) - Begin: 17 New: 13 (8 for both)
Total lost: 64 inches (I hope my math is correct). I wish I would have kept up with more measurements... I know the inches lost are more but I didn't do but five areas.
2/28/07 Thanks to the protein party goers... Paula, Susan and Kym... I have gotten some new ideas for protein. And, found that Bariatriceating.com is a good source of ideas, products and support. OH is wonderful but I was needing something different to push me over and beyond and help me get the protein in. Today I got in a total of 78 proteins. I don't think I have ever gotten in that much protein in one day. Yesterday I tried hard (although I didn't start out with a protein shake...) to get my protein in... forcing down the rotisserie chicken for lunch and salmon for supper... but I just couldn't get much in. I ended up with 43.
3/11/07 Yesterday was my 5 month surgiversary. I spent it with some wonderful friends - - the lunch gang... people from the TN area who have also had gastric bypass, lapband or some type of WLS. We meet once a month in the Nashville area and it has become a wonderful monthly outing for me to look forward to. This month we did a clothing exchange and it allowed us even more time to socialize... we used to all LOVE to eat... now we LOVE to talk! I love to see these folks each month because I get to see how much weight they are losing. Its SO encouraging to me. We are all on this journey together, sharing in each other's victories, and yes at times sharing in each other's difficulties. I never thought I would become so closely involved in a group that specializes in one certain thing... for example, when I sold Mary Kay, alot of Mary Kay women flocked to Texas for the meetings and to see Ms. Mary Kay herself in person... and these women were faithful to meet every single week... that wasn't part of who I was. I never wanted it to go that deep... but with the weight loss people, I enjoy it so much. I can really identify with all the struggles as I had and still have most of them... Recently someone brought up the issue of body image. We are all still getting adjusted to our skinnier bodies and not quite knowing what to think or feel... I guess two words would describe it best: SHOCK & AWE. I look at my size 12s, which today became 10s, blue jeans and think, "There is no way I can get them on my body." But then I put them on, zip them up without sucking in my gut like I used to with a size 22 or 24 jeans, and it just amazes me. Now I see that stomach pooching out and I wish it were gone... but I am hoping with more weight loss, it will disappear. I am now getting between 85-110 protein grams a day! Hallelujah! And I feel so much more energy. I swear that one night I thought I must have been high on protein... I had so much energy! And it just makes me chatter chatter chatter... how anyone gets a word in edge wise, I will never know! I seem like myself... the one I have missed having around for so long... "myself" had been gone for a number of years... shy, withdrawn, depressed became my personality as obese, but when I was younger, I was outgoing, friendly, talkative... I used to cry asking God, "Please bring that person back! I want to be like that again!" I gave up. I never thought it would be possible... but now I see that person coming to visit a little more each day... and the person I had become, the one I didn't like, seems to fade away. All I can say is, Take your size 22's with you, old friend, cause you ain't welcome here anymore!
3/11/07 My BMI is now 26.4.... slightly overweight. It is hard to believe I am down to 154 pounds. I started this journey at a whopping 251 pounds, and in just 3 more pounds, I will have lost 100!! Woohoo! I am so excited.
Guess what? Today at my mom's, I tried on a pair of size 10 jeans and they fit! I could not believe it! Whatsmore, I don't think my mother could believe it! I went to Goody's to buy a new pair (I like the Duckhead brand). I found a pair of dark blue ones size 8... now am I stupid enough to even remotely think that I can fit into the typical size 8s? NO No no! These must have ran really really big.... But it sure made me feel good... Needless to say, I BOUGHT EM!
But, typical size 8s is the next size I will be in after 10. Its not THAT far away! SIZE 8 HERE I COME!
3/16/07 Today one of my co-workers told me that she hoped I did not lose any more weight. She said that I was already too thin... I thought, "well it doesn't matter what you want... I've got 23 more lbs to lose!" Of course I was nice and didn't say anything... While another co-worker said that when I lose my tummy that I will be able to stop... Everyone has an opinion...!!!
But it does not matter what they say. I am under strict medical orders from my surgeon to get the weight under 140, preferrably down to 130. I think he has done this long enough that he knows what he is talking about!! Right? Right. Period. Matter settled. So we will just continue on losing weight... eating right... walking... all the things that I promised myself to do before having surgery...
3/19/07 Today I went to the Security office and had my photo taken for my id badge. Normally it cost $25 to replace it, but since I have lost 100 lbs, they let me have a new one. The lady who prepared it was very nice. She took one look at my old photo stored in the computer, and gasped. Yes, that's the shock factor I was looking for when I lost all this weight! I still love to see people's reactions. I stood against the wall for the pose, smiled a "teeth" smile so everyone could see my pearly whites, and then walked over to the window to get the badge. She turned the monitor towards me so that I could see the new picture before she printed it out, and I had this unexpected reaction. There, side by side, before and after pictures... I started to say something to her, but got choked up... "I'm think I'm going to cry" I said. Next thing I know she is handing me a tissue and got one for herself, both wiping our eyes. It still overwhelms me to think of all the weight I have lost.
Did you ever notice that people of likeness stick together... when I was in high school, all the band members hung out together... I wasn't in the band, its' just an observation that I made. I wondered from time to time... do they all REALLY like each other? Are they forced to associate with each other? They seemed to get along... appeared that they enjoyed each other's company. Then there was the chorus... they all stuck together. Hours of practice getting ready for Cabaret, special assemblies, recitals, etc. I wasn't in the choral group either. But I noticed how they all stuck together... I really didn't belong anywhere... well, yes there was the youth group. We had a rockin' youth group at church! There were about 65 members and we all were very on fire before there was even such a thing... when it wasn't "cool" to be in love with Jesus... Ok stick with me a minute... I'm not going to preach a sermon! But my point is, people of like ideas, like interests, like goals, stick together... I noticed this week that its what we do here on Obesity Help... the group we have formed... we've all got something in common... we were FAT and now we are LOSERS! Yeah losers!!! 99 pounds and still losing!!
But I think one way we are going to be strong and be successful is to form these support teams/groups.
Another observation: if you want to be successful, hang out with successful people. I heard a pastor preach this sermon long ago... only it wasn't about weight loss... but it fits! We have to rub elbows with them, ask questions, watch their habits, catch their habits, be willing to learn from them... I see so many on this website and also on the BariatricEating.com website that have made it... I am inspired by them. They make me want to succeed. They make me want to keep on keepin' on... they make me feel like YES I CAN DO IT! So... let's all join together, learn and teach one another, and be a success together!!
3/28/07 I had a bad day today... when I got home, I had only eaten 13 protein grams. I did not hardly eat... my stomach was just too upset. My supervisor and another team leader told me late yesterday (at the end of my day) that I now had to do my new job duties and my old job duties... there were 2 analysts, one got a new job... although both of us had the same title, we did not perform the same functions. I was forced into performing her job duties, even though I did not want it. I had a feeling, I knew that I knew all along, that this would be the outcome... one analyst doing two analysts' duties... how right I was. I also found out that I have been lied to all along... they had this in mind since the end of January. Basically they allowed me a 5 week hiatus from my former duties, led me to believe I would no longer have to be responsible for them, just so that I could learn my new job well enough to get by... and I trained myself... I just cannot do it. I told them my concerns and am not being listened to... all under the guise of "consolidations". I also asked for a raise last time. Nothing. I asked for one today. We'll see but 100% bet that it will be no. I have started to look for a new job. I also sent my supervisor a transfer sheet to sign (this is required by our HR dept) so that I can try for another inhouse job. Please be in prayer for me to get something else. But like my mother said, I have a new outlook on life, a new body, and PERHAPS its time for a new job.
April 9, 2007 I finally took a trip to Illinois, where my mother's family lives. I have been putting it off for some time as I wanted to lose as much weight as possible. But I thought Easter would be a good time, especially since my mother was off this past week for Spring Break. The day before we left, we received word that my uncle had passed away and there was a visitation/funeral to attend. Afterwards, the entire family got together at another aunt's house for a "reunion" if you call it that. Its such a shame that we have not all come together since the last funeral, which was six years ago. I remember my childhood days when our family got together for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the occasional picnic at the state park. I miss those days. Anyway, my aunt Shirley is homebound and she said, "You've lost a lot of weight! How did you do THAT?" I reminded her of surgery... my uncle Bill is almost homebound too due to age and health issues. He didn't recognize two people, and told my mother the next day that he finally figured out who I was by studying me... the high cheek bones gave it away as I look so much like my mother... (and she NEVER lets me forget it... after all, people usually say, "You look so pretty... you look like your mother.")
The people who noticed the most were people from my aunt's church. They have only known me as obese... never small like my mother's family. One guy walked passed, and when I said, "Hello stranger" he turned his head and did a double take. He did not know me! One lady just kept saying, "My goodness how did you lose all the weight?" And even after I told her, she just shook her head, and said, "I can't believe how much weight you've lost."
My crazy aunt Helen was the funniest. She is NEVER speechless. When she came over to the aunt/uncles' house where I was staying, I came out of the living room. She looked in my face, and just stood there silent for a minute, then her eyes went down to my toes, then up to my head again... she was stunned. She told me later that I looked great, and the reason she didn't say anything is because she was jealous (she wasn't really... she is just a hoot... I love her even if she is psycho!)
My other favorite aunt Val actually tasted my protein shake, and liked it! I had taken a bunch of baggies labeled with the protein powder that I put in them, and took my Magic Bullet along also... she loved the bullet... and said if I had left it, she would definitely put it to good use! haha... but I let her taste Vanilla Elite that I had put some cranberry/rasberry Fuze in. It somewhat tasted like a float.
My uncle (Donnie) and mother (Donna) are twins. His daughter looks so much like me. I saw a picture of her last year after she lost a lot of weight (although she has never been overweight...). I wondered, "Will I look like her when I am small?" I secretly hoped so, cause she was pretty! My relatives still say how much we look alike. She is 130 lbs, in a size 5/6. 130 is how much I want to weigh, and I got excited that maybe I can be her size once I get rid of 20 more pounds.
Do you know that not one single person told me to stop losing weight... that I was too skinny...or tried to look over my shoulder and tell me what to eat, what not to eat... afraid I would become anorexic. It was so nice to not hear any of that garbage that I hear at work all the time. Also, Friday I received a voice mail from the HR Department about a job I had applied for. I am supposed to go for a job interview one day this week. I can't wait... my aunt Val gave me a closet full of nice clothes... Now I need a new job to wear them to!
My favorite person to see was the lady at church who was always mean to me. Not just me. She's mean to everyone. Our eyes locked as she was walking into the sanctuary. But she avoided me like the plague. She sat in the pew ahead of me, but across the aisle. Then later when I said, "Hello stranger" to her brother in law, the one who didn't recognize me, she immediately turned to look at me (ole nosy) and hollered over "Hey skinny! How did you lose all that weight?" I told her, "Medical intervention." After all, I was in the Lord's house... I couldn't lie! And, I figured if Star Jones could use that line, then so could I! She even came over and hugged me and said how nice I looked. Now I can't swear to what word she technically used... nice, great, well but hey, I will take anything! I'm sure it gave her plenty to talk about later... but I didn't care. Nothing she can say would steal my 102 lb weight loss. No one can take that away from me. Overall it was a good trip but I am glad to be back home in Tennessee.
April 12, 2007 Tonight I went to the Succeed Program. Remember, this is the mandatory 12 week program that my employer has for people who want weight loss surgery. They require attendance at 11 meetings, and 36 exercise sessions. Then patients must lose 10% of their overall body weight before Blue Cross will approve their surgery. OH How I remember those days! I think that every person who has gone through insurance approval process experiences the same frustration and hard work. It is so hard to jump through all their hoops, but in the end, its worth it. I wish insurance companies would see how they will benefit also once patients go off of medications and have less doctor's visits.
I enjoyed meeting the people. I met two ladies after the meeting, and I can tell that they are fully vested, heart and soul, and ready to have their surgery. Its not just a procedure to them, but a chance to start a new way of life. I am so excited for people who are pursuing WLS. It truly will change their lives!
On another note, I have a job interview tomorrow. I want a new job. I need a new job. I am tired of being responsible for two positions and being given no monetary benefits in the form of a raise. Also, co-workers say things that push my buttons such as "when are you going to stop losing weight." In general, I think its time for a change.
4/14/07 Today there were 12 people at the protein party. We had a great time! Paula was the official party coordinator and did a wonderful job! She brought it all together, and made it much easier for me. She also brought some donated goodies from the owner of a protein product website, and they were very much appreciated! We're sending thank you cards for their donation and for thinking of us.
Then there was the clothing exchange. Lord I have not seen the likes of what I saw today! We have two bedrooms, one is rather small, and there were about 3 to 4 in each room trying clothes on. There was clothing articles of all kinds being slung around as they tried on those things just as quick as possible so they could get to the next item! Ha! I believe every person went away with something in their hands... the rest is being donated to the Centennial Medical Center Treatment for Obesity offices as they are needing them for their clothing exchange closet.
The high light of the day was "the gown"... and I'm talking wedding gown. Susan brought her daughter's wedding gown for April to try... long story which I will let April tell since its her story, but I got to try it on. It was pretty. I have never tried on a wedding gown. I have always been too big so the thought never even crossed my mind.
That's about it, but we will have another get together the second Saturday of May in Cool Springs. As usual, everyone & anyone is invited and I encourage you to come. These are some great encouraging women... if you need some great friends, you will not be disappointed.
4/19/07 I went to see Dr. Houston for my 6 month checkup... he said I was doing great... I have lost 80% of my excess body fat, and that if I didn't lose another pound, I am a success. He made me feel good about myself, and for having accomplished these goals. We discussed the tummy fat, and the possibility of a tummy tuck... advised me to show my PCP the rash and get a RX for it... he asked how much weight I still wanted to lose. I told him I wanted to be 130 lbs, so I have 20 left. He thinks I can do that in 2 months, when I go back to see him.
4/25/07 It's been two months since measuring myself... and I have hit the dreaded plateau. Seems like I have kept the scale at 149 forever! I have been eating correctly but those nasty scales will not move! Out of desparation and a need to feel good, I got out the tape measure... so here are my new stats since 2/21.
Breast - 36 in (2 inches lost) Original 47 1/2 Total= 11 1/2 inches
Stomach - 40 (2 1/2 inches lost) Original 57 1/2 Total= 17 1/2 inches
Hips - 38 in (7 inches lost, but I think I might not have measured it right all along?) Original 58 1/2 Total= 20 1/2 inches
Legs (each upper thigh)- 22 in (1 inch lost) Original 32 Total= 10 inches x 2 = 20
Upper Arms (each) - 12 1/2 in (1/2 inch lost) Original 17 Total= 4 1/2 inches x 2 = 9
Total lost since 2/21 = 14 1/2 inches. GRAND TOTAL: 78 1/2 inches
5/2/07 I'm feeling happy today... celebrating a total weight loss of 104 lbs. I am no longer overweight. As of this week, my bmi (body mass index) is within the normal weight range! I have posted a new picture as my avatar which was taken on Sunday. As always, I placed it next to my "before" picture taken last May where I weighed in at a whopping 251 lbs... my highest ever. It never ceases to amaze me... tears always come to my eyes... I am so overwhelmed with a feeling of wonder and gratitude for how my life has changed since gastric bypass which occurred October 10th, 2006. Some may not understand the comment I am about to make... and that's ok, but for those who have suffered with obesity, you will understand all too well... I have two saviors. First, Jesus Christ, and second, Dr. Houston, my gastric bypass surgeon. While Jesus saved my soul, Dr. Houston saved my physical body from the repercussions of obesity. My health was failing fast, and I was on the road toward diabetes, heart attack, possible infertility. But now, I have so much to look forward to. I am just so blessed, and so happy. For those who might have forgotten, take a look at my before picture to see what I used to look like and of the changes which have occurred since surgery (6 mos ago). Thanks!
6/2/07 It's been some time since I've journaled here or added a blog. Life is going absolutely great. Still looking for a job, and believing that the right one is out there waiting for me. But for some reason, its not time to find it yet. God has a plan and I am trying my best to trust Him.
Counseling is going good. My mind is starting to embrace the idea that I am no longer 251 lbs and morbidly obese. You would think that we would accept the fact we are no longer obese as people pay the hugest compliments. But years of being obese has taken its toll not only physically but on us mentally as well.
I have more energy than ever. I can't even sleep in late anymore. Rise & shine at 6:30 even on Saturday morning. But hey, there are some cute guys at Walmart that early in the morning!
Speaking of guys, I'm looking! And do I ever mean I am looking. I was at Starbucks the other day, and from the time I placed my order til the time the girl made it, I had spotted out 4 guys. My head just kept turning side to side looking at all the passerbyers. It's been an extremely enlightening experience to say the least. I am ready to start a relationship and get that aspect of my life started. I never imagined being at this point. Prior to surgery, I never anticipated getting married or dating. I hated myself, was too fat and frankly didn't allow myself to think on it so I would not be disappointed.
Life is bringing many new things my way, and I am content & happy. Each day I am so thankful for this surgery and it has really made my life better.
6/7/07 I want to talk a little about the changes in my life. Not just physical, though I have lost a total of 116 lbs. I've been struggling with the emotional and mental side of weight loss. I look in the mirror, and see that terrible hanging tummy and feel like "Will this ever go away? Is it fat? Can I lose it? Or is it skin? Can it be cut off? Will insurance cover any of it?" On and on the questions come. Then there's the issue of relationships, or moreso the fact that I don't have one. And if I were to meet someone, what on earth would he say at the first sight of my body? Would he scream in fright and run the opposite direction? Heck sometimes I want to respond that way when I look in the mirror,
But then last week, Mike took an updated picture, the one on my avatar. I saw it and didn't like it. Gosh I'm skinny. I look sick, is what popped into my head. I never had an idea of what I was going to look like after losing all the weight. I tried, but never could get the mental picture. Now, I don't have to try, I just merely have to look at the photo. Why the discontent? I'm confused. Frustrated.
Then there's the issue, "Who am I?" I believed certain things about myself. But now, I feel like so much of what I thought was a lie, or built on misconceptions about myself. Kind of like I thought I had built my house on a solid rock, only to find that its built on sand. Flood waters came and my house fell down onto the ground. Now I stand admist the rubble, disappointed and not knowing where to begin rebuilding or cleaning up.
I long to be healthy on the inside, just a my body is on the outside. I want to have a positive self image, neither too fat nor too skinny. I want to believe that others think good thoughts toward me. Instead I wonder, are they watching my every bite? When I tell someone that I'm in a size 6 pant, do they think I must be lying? After all, even I think I'm lying. Or dreaming. So here I am wanting to know who I am, wondering how to cope with all of these changes, be comfortable in my own skin, but that's not happening too fast. I haven't really heard other people speaking of these things. Do all people experience these emotions? Why not talk about it, to help those of us who are struggling, to make it ok/normal to go through it... just my thought provoking journal session for the day.
6/11/07 I haven't had a date in fifteen years. What?!? Is that right? Have I forgotten how to add and subtract, or is that accurate? Yes its true... but yesterday I had a "coffee date". This is a huge transition in my life. I'm scared! Yet excited! Yet it brings up a world of emotions that I never thought I would have to deal with. I ask myself, was I overweight because it was my way of keeping people away from me? Some sort of safety blanket that provided me with a comfortable excuse as to why there was no one in my life... and after all these years, I have to deal with the real reason I was overweight to begin with? Hmm, something to ponder. I am not sure what the answer is, but how can I be so unhappy right now when I have lost 117 lbs, have met my surgeon's goal, and only 4 lbs away from my own personal goal? I feel better health wise, and have more energy. But why am I tired of dealing with this emotional side?
**I've shared my thoughts, good, bad and ugly, throughout the journey. I am also going to share something of a spiritual and personal nature. Though I am not trying to change or sway anyone's opinion toward religion, I do feel that spirituality is a part of what completes us... But the purpose of this is to keep my journal entact. Here it is for 6/11/07 as I journaled during my lunch hour.
Things are going pretty smooth today. I've been listening to my Rita Springer worship cd every day and the song "Joy Overflowing" really soothes my soul. I've done some soul searching these past few days and come to a conclusion. Out of nowhere there came this intense longing for companionship. And because I didn't have it, I judged myself as ugly, unworthy, as if something is wrong with me. But why all of a sudden did I feel that I needed a man's company in my life to fulfill and complete me? This goes against all of my rational thoughts and ideas! I think it had to do with something else that I am lacking... and until I get this within my grasp or reach, nothing will fulfill me or cause me to feel content. I'm talking about my relationship with the Creator - whom I have been drifting away from for quite some time. There is a pocket of emptiness in me, a gaping hole that I long to fill. And each time I listen to the words of Rita Springer's song, I long to be filled with His presence. The words are "Fill us with joy overflowing, with peace overflowing, withi love overflowing, with all of your glory." And while simple, they have become my prayer. I want to have a healthy relationship with God. I don't want to be overly religious. I want to love Him and have my life evolve around Him, but not as a crutch or excuse to "not" do things, "not" enjoy life, and surely "not" to use as an excuse "not" to live! I'm ready for new adventures (and I'm not talking about sinful ones). I want to do things. I want to laugh, play, live, love. I don't know how YET. But I am trying to find ways, to try new things.
I want to be content again. I want to know that my heart is satisfied. I don't want to go through life always seeking for that thing which will fill me up but never finding. Melinda, you have too many experiences of times He has come through for you to not serve Him, to not love Him, to not gain your contentment in Him. You know that you need Him, and that where sin is in your life, God's grace is able to reach it. He is able to forgive and cleanse it. He loves you with an everlasting love that no one can take away. Nothing you can say or do will make him love you less. He knows the desires of your heart, even if you are confused. God has a divine plan for you. He sees the years that you have invested, and it's His plan and desire to bless you. But He's waiting on you to align your will to His will. He's asking you today, "What are you going to do? Who are you going to serve?" He wants the very best for you, and yet He will not violate your will and force you to choose Him. He stands, waiting, longing, hoping, anticipating your return. He's missed your voice, your passion, your joy, your smile, how you shared every pain, every agony, every thing you longed for, you shared with Him. So He stands waiting for His daughter to return, to run hard and fast toward Him and jump into His arms. Do you sense His arms outstretched? Can you feel the warmth of His light upon your face as He directly gazes upon you? The eyes of the Lord search to and fro throughout the earth, and Melinda today His gaze has fixed upon you. Of all people He could have chosen, it's you.
Jesus, yes its you I want and desire. I remember the years that you completed me. You were all I ever wanted. You comforted me like no one else could or did. You touched the darkest recesses of my soul that no one else could. I did give you all my troubles, pain, sadness and disappointments. The hurting little girl, so fragile and sensitive, cried alone in the dark. And yet, at some point, she (I) found that she (I) was never quite alone as she (I) thought. That little sensitive girl waited for you there in the dark, a friend and father you became. A comforter, a provider of all things good. When you touched her (my) heart as a young teen, you purified her (my) heart. Yes, the same heart that should have been pure and untainted, but wasn't due to fallen man and capacity for sin. You cleansed the young teen's (my) heart just as you cleansed the worst sinner's. Just as today, you cleanse this young woman's (my) heart once again, as many times before. Touch it deeply, touch it passionately, touch it gently Lord. Cause it to be healed. Lord, no one else knows my heart like You. They may perceive things that are fallacies and judge me accordingly, but you Lord see it like no other. You know the evil that its capable of, the corruption it has or can experience if it wasn't for your saving hand of mercy. You also know the potential and desire to be full of your goodness, to love, to help others. Lord, help me to become more like you. Turn my sorrow into celebration and rejoicing. Turn my cold neutrality into a blazing fire burning brightly again. Place a sense in me which says, "Melinda, you cannot just settle. You must be in God's will." Thank you for never leaving or forsaking or letting go... for never giving up on me.
6/15/07 I have come to the conclusion that this journey we are all on... and I am not just making reference to the weight loss journey... but LIFE.... is complicated and encompasses every part of who we are: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, and spiritually. Isn't it easy to compartmentalize each area, paying specific attention to one at a time as needed... when we must embrace every part and strive to remain healthy.... It's almost like a cubby hole mailbox system... we pay attention to one cubby hole at a time, when really, we are the complete being... one complex but entact being and every area has to be focused on.... That is where I am at right now... trying to focus or give attention to every aspect.
Here are ways I try to accomplish this:
Physical - watching what I eat, taking care of my body, exercise, being a good steward over the body I have been given, fixing myself up to feel attractive, presentable, and working on problem areas.
Emotional - journaling, getting in touch with what I feel, why I feel those things, are they healthy? Overcoming fear and moving FORWARD to live the type of life I want to have instead of "existing" and allowing life to give me whatever it wants.
Mental - who am I foolin'? Ya all know i'm crazy! lol. I haven't fixed this one yet.... But seriously, trying to have a stable, healthy, happy demeanor and use my logic and reasoning abilities even though, and I'm sure all of us relate, even though those old tapes play over and over in our minds.... sometimes we have to wait it out and do our best to convince ourselves of the truth instead of what we have heard for so long. Trying to overwrite those old conversations with new positive thoughts.
About Me
Before & After
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