Same Journey, Different Places 1/17/08

Jan 17, 2008

Today I visited my therapist... just to make sure I am staying balanced and mentally healthy.  I asked Tim to go with me in order to give an accurate assessment of where I seem to be at this point in my journey.  I shared with Dr. O'Bryan the struggles over the past few months since my plastic surgery, and of the need/desire to have more surgery to correct minor flaws...  at the time, I didn't think they were minor flaws.  To me, they appeared to be huge.  But the more I dealt with my fears, emotions and the reality of having more surgery, I was able to reconcile the fact that it isn't life threatening and I don't have to be perfect.

I have said it many times...  all I ever promised myself throughout this journey is that I would be honest and tell the truth...  share my experience.  And as I learned long ago, no one has a right to tell me how to feel, think or act.  I am my own person...  and the more I travel this journey, the more I realize that I don't understand or know the "thin me".  I look in the mirror and there is a skinny face and body staring back.  Sometimes I expect her to say "who are you?"  And at times, I want to ask her, "No, who are YOU?"  

Much has changed in my life since having wls.  I am happy and try my best to maintain health and happiness.  Yet, I have come under scrutiny by recent comments about loathing my body, and seeing things about myself that I would like to change.  People may look at me and say, "You have so much to be thankful for.  You are a size 4 on a BAD day..."  Well and to that I say, "You have not traveled this part of the road in the journey yet..."  

Perhaps in a few weeks or months, you will travel this part of the road.  Maybe then you will understand my remarks and feelings toward myself.  Plastic surgery really did some tricks on my mind...  it helped me see that "instant" result that can occur and it can be addictive... wanting the same "instant result" all over in areas that remain unchanged.  For example, where the hanging skin once was, there is a flat tummy (yet there remains a deep red scar all the way across my front, a small price to pay).  And, where I see saggy skin on my stomach where no one else can see because pictures hide a lot, and because its worse when I bend over or try to put clothes on, I think "I hate that!  Why can't I lose more weight to get it to go away?  Or, why can't I exercise to tone it up?"  Then the doctor tells me that its loose SKIN and gives me a reality check... Melinda, you cannot erase the visible signs, all signs, that you were obese once..  welll, not once, but for what seemed FOREVER...  But you know what I mean...

Some might think I'm overly fixated on my body.  Perhaps.  But at this point in my journey, I'm entitled.  I speak the things from my heart that I think and feel...  that's all I ever said I would do...  because somewhere, someone along this turn or bend in the road will read my words... and they will relate to them... and say FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!  

So let me be "me"...  let me feel what I feel...  let me struggle through this on my own, and let it be OK that I do so...  without saying hurtful words... even though you may not understand RIGHT NOW what place I am...  for hopefully someday soon you will be there too...  having met your goal and at the place of needing plastics...  and you can find your own way too...  and I will be OK with the fact that you must struggle through some things as well.  But know that we are on the same journey... yet different places at this moment.  Some day we will both have experienced the same things.

And as a conclusion, the therapist says I am experiencing normal thoughts and feelings, and processing the data accordingly.  There is a level of impatience that I stress myself with, but as I learn to take things in stride, that will become better.  And, he assures me that I am actually ahead of the game...  where it takes some people two years to be, I have come in just a short time... But in my heart of hearts, I already knew that...  it helps to hear it from a mental health professional! Haha

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