mfgdeux

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It has been a little over 2 years since i've had my first vsg surgery and 13 months since my DS surgery. Overall i have lost 243 pounds. Weight loss has slowed. I get frustrated sometimes because I'll work out and not lose weight some weeks and then not work out and lose weight. I like to see that my workouts are paying off. I have been a little lazy with eating carbs. I need to stop. I definitely eat protein first. I love my meat and cheese. but I have been craving sweets a lot lately. I'm definitely not a sweet person (no pun intended). But for the last month or so I have been craving chocolate like crazy. I know this has slowed or stalled my weight loss. I have decided to cut it down to 1 fun sized candy a day (if that). I really think it's the stress at work. I started a new position and its not what i thought it would be. It has definitely become more stress in my life.
My friend sent me this picture of my progress. It really got me thinking of how far I have come. It inspires me to think what i will look like next year if i keep up the exercise and start watching my carbs again. amazing huh... can you imagine that person on the left is me?

It's been a long time since I've written on here. A lot has happened. I've been more focused on youtube than OH. But let's see. I have the VSG surgery August 18th, 2008. I started off at 529 lbs. As of this morning I am 412 pounds. I keep bouncing between 410 - 413 for the last couple weeks. I went to the wls east coast meet and greet in Allentown last week. It was great to see all the other youtube weight loss surgery community members. I cannot believe how big it has grown. There were i think 70 members there. I wish i could have gotten to meet them all.

I'm a little sad lately. The weight loss has slown tremendously. some weeks I don't lose anything, it's just a steady bouncing between 2 or 3 pounds. I realize it is because I have introduced new items into my diet like bread and yes the dreaded p word.... pot.. just kidding, the other p word. pop.  I really need to cut that crap out. I have really been considering the second part of the surgery lately. Only because i don't know what's going to happen with my insurance now that the economy has taken a big pooh. I really want to do good. I see others who are losing weight and doing great and then I see myself just on a stall. I can't blame anyone but me and I guess I shouldn't complain while drinking a diet pepsi right. I really thought though that I would have lost weight, even a pound after the trip to philly. I mean I danced, danced, walked, walked, walked and walked. And nothing. not one measily pound. It's very disappointing especially when hearing people lost 2-4 pounds that week. I don't know. I really need to get on an exercise regimen.

Anyway, I was telling a friend i didn't recognize a difference in me and he sent me a picture. it was from the first video that I ever did back in January 13th, 2008. The 2nd pic was from January 24th, 2009. I have to admit, it is a huge difference. I cannot believe I looked like that. It's just so hard to imagine that I was that big. I still have a long ways to go, but I have already come so far.



                             January 13th, 2008                                                                             January 24th, 2009

Well, monday was my official 2 weeks post-op but today i had my appointment with my surgeon. He took out the staples and asked me how i was doing. I told him that i'm actually doing a lot better. the first week was really hard. the second week was tough. but this week is better. i still get tired easily but i want to go out and walk and do stuff. however, i cannot walk that far.
i am now able to bathe myself and walk without the walker. My diest consists of cottage cheese, chicken salad, fudgecicles, sf pudding, sf jell-o, tomato soup, cream of potato soup and string cheese. i can't wait for a salad. i'm still trying to get all my fluids in. i am now up to 50-60 ounces a day. depending on how late i sleep in. i dont sleep well at night because i'm stuck in this recliner still and so i wake up off an on. i usually use the lortab to help me sleep but i'm afraid i'm getting immune to it.
Today was a big day. i stopped by taco bell and grabbed a bean burrito. took one bite at home and realized i was thirsty and not hungry. so i decided on just water for now.
so here is my weight loss so far:

Highest weight and 1st day of pre-op diet: 529
Weight day of surgery: 514.5
2 week post-op: 496.5
I lost 18 pounds since surgery and 33 since my highest. i feel like i should be happier. however, I am weary about getting excited and then not losing. it's all mind over matter to me. I will be posting every two weeks as my scale decided to catch fire and break on me or under me. damn scale.
well, if anyone has any questions message me away. I had the Vertical sleeve gastrectomy instead of the duodenal switch because the switch part was too dangerous my surgeon said. so i'm hopefully losing weight so i can have the second part. pray my insurance covers it.

It's weird really. This whole week I have been emotional. I don't know if it's because of the upcoming surgery or the fact that I've been on a pure liquid diet. Either way, I've been a mess. However, I woke up this morning and I didn't have one single emotion. I'm not excited, I'm not nervous, I'm not scared, it's really weird. I think I'm more in an acceptance mode of what will happen will happen. I have no control over anything.
I weighed myself again today and noticed I dropped another 2 pounds. Total since this diet is 16 pounds. I would have liked to drop more but I have done my best. I'm still not quite sure what to bring with me to the hospital. I want to bring my camera, phone, I don't have a robe and the slippers I ordered a long with some other clothes never showed up in time. Remind me to get a refund on my "express" shipping I paid.
It's really hard for me to express emotions to those who are close to me because I don't know what I'm going into. I've never had surgery before and as I'm going through things I like to sit back and observe instead of tell people how I'm doing, how I'm feeling, etc when they ask. That's how it's been the last couple of days when friends and family ask me. so i will try as time goes on to document how i feel and thee things going on.
Well, the time has come for me to say goodbye for now. Hopefully everything will go according to plan. the surgery will be a success and i will be safe. See you on the other side.
Myranda

Well, I went to my surgeon appointment last Wednesday. I was very nervous because, yes, I gained more weight since the fiasco with the last surgeon. I think I just gave up and ate my emotions along with everything else I could find. But when I met with Dr. Spaw I was very happy to find how gracious, caring and nice he was. It took me a few minutes to read him but after talking with him for awhile I understood where he was coming from. He put me on a 4 week diet which consists of 3 weeks of 2 shakes and a lean cuisine meal and the last week all liquid. plus I will be weighing in weekly.
Right now I am enjoying the morsals that I have. I am trying to make sure I don't over do it with eating everything and making every meal my "last supper". 
It's funny, I was looking at past photos of me and videos of me 80 pounds (less) ago and the 80 pounds I have put on in the last 18 months has really riddled me a useless piece of flesh. I can no longer walk more than 50 feet without my back in so much pain I'm going to pass out. my legs are always swollen and hurt, my face looks even fatter, I look tired all the time no matter how much sleep i get. my back hurts at work while i'm sitting, I have a pain in my left side that no one can explain and even the clothes in the woman within and roamans don't fit. I am truly one cheeseburger away from becoming one of those people you see being hauled out through their bedroom wall on a crane. and yet every night in my dreams I am thin, running (i like to exercise in my dreams.. running mostly). There's no pain in my dreams, my clothes fit, I can breathe and I feel great. But then i wake up and it's me again. 
I'm not depressed. I'm just disappointed, no.. disgusted in what I've done to myself. I wish it didn't take the surgery to help me but I am weak. I'm not ashamed to admit my weakness. Some people have a weakness for alcohol, some drugs, some shopping. My weakness is food. I used to use the excuse it was genes. After all, my whole family is heavy. But when do "genes" end and accountability begins? It's hard to admit I need help. But I do. I over eat and because of that I am now reaping what I sew (sow?).  My limited mobility. But I thank God that He has given me a second chance at life.. No, first chance. You see, I never got the first chance at life because I have been heavy since the beginning of time. I don't know what it's like to be free from the bondage of my flesh except for in my dreams. 
August 18th, 2008... The dream becomes reality.

well, a lot has happened since the last time i posted. i went to north carolina to have the surgery on the 31st. i had my last pre-op appointment with Dr. Voellinger. over the last year i had gained weight to where i was 40 pounds heavier than the first time I saw Dr. Voellinger. After a very embarressing and humiliating visit, he said he wouldn't do the surgery because I "obviously" wasn't trying and he felt it was too risky. So i guess I'm too fat to have fat surgery. I guess this is a blessing in disguise. after a couple weeks of sulking, I have decided it is the best thing to have the surgery in nashville. I went to Dr. Spaw's office at Baptist hospital here in nashville. I gave Tina, one of the assistants, my papers and she sent all 47 into the insurance thursday. so now we're just waiting. 

On a more personal note I keep thinking about the surgery and to be honest it really scares me. I'm definitely more at peace that I'm having it here. I'm definitely ready for it. I just really need help to lose weight. I need that tool. I obviously am too weak to do it on my own. I wish i was stronger, I really do. But I let myself go so far that I just can't do much. And for the first time I have experienced blatant prejudice because of my weight. this woman at work (who is tiny) sits in a cubicle behind me. she has been causing trouble and been picking me out in the unit and basically trying to get me in trouble at work. when I finally ask my team lead for something to happen we get a meeting and in the meeting with my boss she plays like i'm this big bad person trying to intimidate her. if anyone of you know me, I am probably the most unlikely person to ever intimidate anyone. It's just impossible for me to intimidate. Ultimately, my boss took the side of this worker and the "meeting" bit me in the butt. 
the idea of her being prejudice against me because of my weight didn't occur until 2 seperate people who don't even know each other asked if she doesn't like me because I'm fat. i can't explain why she picks me out from the rest of the group. she states she doesn't respect my work style because I listen to music as I work (she can't concentrate when she hears my music leaking from my headphones, unlike the loud thrash metal that leaks from the person on the other side of her). anyway, this has made me feel like I'm basically just a slob and pig because of my weight. it really does make me feel bad about myself and to know that my boss whose learning style is more like this worker agrees and takes the side of this worker (which is funny because everyone hates her in my unit). 
so anyway, a lot of stuff has been happening. i will give more updates when things progress.

well, i started my pre op liquid diet on monday. i had a couple set backs but really buckled down the last 2 days. i can tell you this is by far the hardest thing for me. I am forced to deal with myself not turning to food for comfort. but what makes it even harder is my family came to visit and you know kids... always hungry. and since they're on vacation, eating out is a favorite pass time. This is really hard for me. I mean, if it was just me I'd be okay cause then I wouldn't have the constant reminder of eating really really good food. but I'd trade that to spend time with them. i love them so much. this is just a really hard time right now. 
another thing that happened today is i weighed myself. I have gained a total of 70 pounds in the last 14 months. 70!!!! that's horrible. i was supposed to lose 50. i'm so afraid my doctor is going to see me and say he won't do the surgery because I'm not committed. but that's not it. i am committed. I guess my obesity has claimed my mobility. and now it's just a viscious fast cycle of gaining weight. you see i have always had a bad back. this is because i hold my weight in my stomach. well, i started working out at the ymca until i noticed that my back would start to get worse and worse the more I did my water aerobics. I don't know why but i have severe lower back pain. i mean so severe i can feel the vein throbbing in my lower spine just sitting here. then another obesity ridden problem. my knee feels like it has given out. I am in a lot of pain when I stand still for too long. so with all these problems, plus my legs swelling so much during the day that i can barely walk, it just turned into a cycle. couldn't work out because of my weight, gained because i didn't work out. 
so i think only 10 more days til freedom. I'm scared. i'm very scared because my closest family member will be 2,000 miles away. I'm doing this on my own. I'm scared. PLease pray for me. pray nothing happens. pray i can make it through this diet.

So this is the perfect beginning to the last day of the month. I called my insurance company this morning to check on the status of the paperwork and the nice lady at United Healthcare said that I have perfect timing because I was approved yesterday. I was speechless. It seems like it's taken forever to get here and I know I will use this phrase many more times, but it seems surreal. It's like I was just approved to live. I'm pretty excited. I'm going to email my doctor's office today and see what is going to happen next.

Well this is my first blog entry. I have kind of screwed myself over. I was supposed to lose 50 pounds. I was on my way to doing that. I lost 26 pounds but then I don't know what happened. I lost track of the goal and gained 50 or more. I'm not sure because I think I went past what the scale at the shell station reads. My insurance changed from empire bcbs to United Healthcare on January 1st. this scares me because I don't know what their policy for WLS is. I got an email from Kim, the insurance lady for my surgeon and she talked with Dr. V about my options before sending in the paperwork to the insurance company. the 1st option was to apply for VSG but will be denied but I can appeal and hope they do it. but I think that's unlikely. the 2nd option is to do it open with an assistant. This scares me. Which gets to my next topic.

One thing I have always wanted but never had was one of those moments where people always have the epiphany that enough is enough. You can't live like this anymore because you're going to die. Well, today as I read the email from Kim I had that moment. I was so disgusted with myself that I let myself get this big and am too big to have the lap DS and instead have to have it open. I have never felt such disgust in myself. It's like I saw what I have done to myself. I felt sad for about 20 minutes then I realized I've been working out every morning this week. I work hard in the pool at 5am. I am changing me. I am taking control of my body. Just like I stuffed every morsel in my mouth and lost the ability to be mobile, I am taking the initiative to hold back on the overtly fattening and highly deliciously delectable morsels and get that mobility back through water aerobics. But for once in my lifetime I had that epiphany. I honestly don't think you can change until you are so disgusted with yourself and what you've become knowing that you did this to yourself. Of course I am just speaking of myself. 
See, since I've been going through this slow process of trying to lose the 50 pounds, getting pre-op tests, the ancillary appointments and everything else, it almost seemed like it would never happen. I gave up. I have that I did that. But if I hadn't I would've gotten the surgery with the same mentality that ruined my life. I would have lost weight but the mental and emotional bad habits would have still been there. So for that I'm greatful that I gained the weight and all this has happened.
I don't know how much I weight right now. I go back to my pcp february 4th to weigh in and get my side checked out (i've been having pains). I just pray that the pool will help. I was thinking that if I can lose enough weight before the surgery (if I get approved), Dr. V can do it lap. Let's pray and cross your fingers. 

Well, I would love encouragement from others. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this because I'm a pretty private person. So any words of encouragement would be appreciated. I'll write back when I know more or when my weight changes :-).