Aug 06, 2012August 6, 2012
Weighing over 270lbs pretty much means that every day is a struggle for me. For a majority of my adult life, I weighed right around 220/230lbs. At that weight, I never felt completely dissatisfied with my looks or my weight, like I do now. Actually, I remember feeling pretty confident about my looks. But even at a weight of 220, I struggled with day to day life. It was always hard to keep up with my friends or do physical activities. Now, at nearly 280lbs, I feel that ANY physical activity is a great challenge. I will say though, that I do push myself, and I try not to miss out on life just because some things are so physically hard for me. At 220 lbs, I climbed the 180ft high Mayan ruin, Lamani, on a school trip to Belize. At 280lbs, I traveled through Europe alone by train, public transportation, and walking. It was very difficult and physically demanding. I’ll never forget having to haul my laundry across the city of Amsterdam, totally out of breath by the time I reached the laundry mat. Also at 280lbs, I hitchhiked with a group of people that I only recently met and remember how hard it was “not” to keep up with them. I guess my goal has always been to never miss out because of my weight, to never hold back. But the fact of the matter is that I have missed out. I cannot help but wonder how some of my life experiences would have went down had I been a normal weight and had I been fit. I don’t want to go on living my entire life wondering “what life would have been like as a healthy, thin, fit person.” I don’t want to go on like this, struggling with everyday life.
Every time I take a shower, I get winded washing my hair. I can make it up to the third floor to my apartment but not without at least a little bit of struggle each time. And if I have to carry something, say a basket of laundry, up to my apartment, forget it – I get completely winded. I used to be able to reach the release button to my gas tank cover of my car with ease, but now, I have to first open my door to reach it. One thing that I REALLY hate is having to judge in stores if I can fit through a certain spot, say, a carriage in the isle and a display. Sometimes it’s really embarrassing when I misjudge. And I can’t count the times I have knocked something off a shelf with my oversized rear-end…..totally embarrassing!! I rarely go shopping for clothing anymore – I feel that nothing looks good on me and can’t ever even find something that is even the least bit slenderizing. I don’t enjoy sex that much anymore – its physically demanding and I can’t move with ease. And maybe one of the hardest things of all is reaching my toenails when I have to cut them or want to paint them. I have been on a few short backpacking trips (again, weighing 280lbs.). They were so physically demanding, carrying all my excess weight plus around 60lbs of gear (I never travel light), but each experience was truly pleasurable. My last backpacking trip was a few years ago because it was just something that was too physically demanding for my weight and lack of fitness. I would love to go backpacking again, maybe this time I’ll be 100lbs lighter, will be able to go on more than just a few mile trip, and will be more fit and up for the challenge.
When I think of my upcoming weight loss surgery on August 8th, I am scared to death. I think I may miss shoveling food down my throat but I keep reminding myself that the doors that WLS will open for me and the possibilities that an active life can hold are more worth it then any amount of “comfort” food. The lowest that I have ever weighed in at in my adult life was 200lbs, and I felt so great about my body and the way I looked. At that time I was very ill with Lyme disease so I never felt fit or healthy but I can only imagine what 160 might feel like (my goal weight), especially if I am living an active, healthy lifestyle and am not ill. I am so afraid that once I lose the weight I will forget what life is like as a severely obese person. I never want to forget because I never want to let myself get to this point again. I hope I will be able to look back at this blog entry in the future and remember all the struggles that my weight carried. I NEVER want to let myself get this way again….because this just isn’t living life to the fullest and that’s one of my main goals in life.