MickATL

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It seems the last couple weeks the scale has taunted me.  Down a few, then up a few. Continuing to bounce between 216 and 220. It's easy to get flustered and impatient. That's what I typically do and, what I suspect, most WLS patients do when we watch the scale as we work toward a numerical goal. The magical feeling I get when the scale dips below a nice round number like 220, 210 or... dare I say it, ONE-derland! The rational side of my brain tells me there are so many other things to consider on my journey- how my clothes fit, compliments from others, having more endurance and new found energy but... that digital readout can make me frustrated sometimes. 

I realized today that this plateau, this wall I've hit has caused me to be introspective. This entire journey over the last 7 years has required me to be brutally honest with myself and it's a thng I struggle with. I'd love to blame my band, the scale being off kilter or something else. The truth is that I am the reason I slow down. Whether it's not journaling or tracking my calories consumed or, more often than not, I'm not exercising daily or pushing myself to do more in the same amount of time. The exercise bike has always been my "go to" aerobic activity. I love how I can sit on a recumbant bike, lean back and start pedalling while watching TV or listening to a movie. With my Apple TV, I can watch a movie while I ride. It makes the time go by but it doesn't make me pedal any faster. Sometimes music does that for me. That said, when I track how many miles I travel and calories I burn in 60 minutes, it's another form of accompilshment. I feel like if I'm going to invest an hour, I should get the biggest bang for my buck. But, I digress.

The reason I am stalling out is because I'm snacking in the afternoon. I've tried "Pop Chips" and "Rice Cakes". Of course, i like flavored versions of both--- BBQ Pop Chips and Chocolate Rice Cakes. A serving of Pop Chips is like 120cals. which is great if I only eat 1 serving. That's easier said than done. Same goes with a rice cake. Add a little pnut butter or nutella and, well, you can see how the calories add up. For me, it's easy to let go and let FIC take over. Who's FIC? He's my Fat Inner Child. That voice that has always enticed me into eating more of those foods I love. Don't weigh yourself he whispers. Why keep track? You know you want it. Or... the old standby: you deserve it. Look at how far you've come. The reality is, I have to continue to create new goals for myself. Reasons to be and stay healthy. These reasons change after you reach certain goals-- buying clothes off the rack, being able to fly without a seatbelt extender or raising the arm between seats or getting the compliments that reaffirm the difficult choices you make everyday. 

It's these new reasons that I have to come up with that can sustain me. I've been as low as 167, I think. It was too thin and I started at 325. Is 217 too heavy? Maybe and maybe not. For me, when I don't pay attention to the scale, I don't seem to pay attention to my eating choices. That said, I don't want to just be thin with flabby skin. I want to have a physique. I want a chest, back and arms with muscles and a flat stomach. Building muscles can 1) fill in some of the space that was occupied by fat and 2) a pound of muscle burns more calories than a pound of fat does.

My dietician says, "Healthy behavior leads to healthy results." I should print thiat out and hang it on the fridge. When I make the decision to make healthy eating choices, I look and feel better. When I exercise daily, I feel more healthy and, I burn calories faster through out the day. I believe exercise is the biggest key to long term success. Why? Because as the weight comes off, our legs don't have to carry that extra burden around all day. Walking, biking or running is key to adding the same effort that your legs put forth prior to losing 50 lbs or more. Daily exercise is what I think defines- high etabolism. Burning more calories throughout the day because your heart rate is increased. When I exercise daily, the scale seems to be more foregiving if I don't eat perfectly. However, I can't let that keep me from continuing to move forward.

This afternoon, I chose to have an apple for a snack. It's a small step. A baby step. But lots of small steps can add up over time.

Today I've already exercised. I find that knocking it out first thing in the morning helps me get going, feel accomplished and gets my heart rate up through out the entire day. 90 minutes on the exercise bike at a good clip (15.5 mph)= 22.7 miles & 565 calories burned. It was my first 90 minutes and it was a real challenge. Add to that 300 ab crunches and I feel accomplished!

For lunch I'm having 3 oz of Boars Head Maple Glazed Chicken lunchmeat on light Wasa crackers (2) and a slice of Havarti (my favorite indulgence) topped off with mustard. I could add a variety of veggies- lettuce, tomatoe, cucumber, etc. but I'd rather have a piece of fruit instead. That's basically my approach to each meal: lean protein & a fresh fruit or vegetable except breakfast. Since I exercise in the morning, I drink a carnation instant breakfast w/skim milk and I skip the fruit. That way, I can drink water while exercising. I have the 3oz of lean protein at lunch and dinner and a fresh fruit or vegetable.

We all have our own process that either works for us or against us. Frequent small meals (breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner) sends signals to your brain that you are getting regular nutrition and the brain somehow tells your body to pull the extra calories needed throughout the day to come from fat as opposed to going into starvation mode where it'll actually pull from muscle to save its fat stores. At least that's what my dietician says.

I feel like I make choices each day that directly affect my weight loss. The decision to plan & eat 4 healthy small meals each day and the choice to move my body/exercise. These add-up to 5 choices a day or 35 a week. If most of those choices are healthy ones, I tend to lose weight. I'm accountable for those choices not my surgery. I have to do my part to succeed.

There are many ways to measure success. The scale is only one. I love the feeling of putting my long term goals ahead of my short term cravings. I've read so many WLS'isms on this website. One is- Nothing TASTES as good as skinny FEELS.

When I first started this journey, I printed and stuck to my refrigerator (as well as making it my desktop background on the computer) a photo of my heaviest weight taken at my cousin's wedding with a note that said "never again". Although I have experienced success and set-backs, I still remember that photo.

I've been bad for far too long. Just seeing the date of my last post says it all. It is so easy to revert back to old behaviors. In fact, how can we expect anything different if we keep doing the same things we did before surgery? I attacked my post op goals with a vengeance and lost 140 lbs with a lap band in 6 months. Somehow, after that, I lost some of my zeal. I believe a big part of it was due to anti-depression medications followed by a bad motorcycle accident that left me with a broken leg and wrist. The long and short of it is I became sedentary and then stopped measuring what I ate, counting calories, planning healthy meals and daily exercise. 

 

It's funny how I never notice my weight gain or loss looking in the mirror. I guess it's because I see that image everyday and the changes are very gradual. Photographs are a totally different story! Why is it when we are heavy we become experts at avoiding  being photographed and hiding our weight by layering or wearing looser clothes?

 

Over the last 4 years, I've regained 90 lbs from 185 to 275. Yes, 275 is 50 lbs lower than my pre-op weight but what a waste of my tool. It's still there waiting to help me eat smaller portions by satiating me with smaller meals. Like all WLS, there are ways to eat around your surgery so this experience is true for everyone. They say you have surgery on your stomach not your brain and it's true!

 

My problem is not my surgery, it's my thought process. Our surgery can't change what foods sound delicious to us, it won't make us move more by exercising or make healthy choices when we eat. WE have to do that and I struggle with it on a daily basis. But... still my band is there waiting for me to use it. 

 

Getting the reminder that my 7th anniversary of my surgery was approaching gave me a wake up call. So did the added back pain, weight gain, turning 48 and my 20th anniversary with my husband. We are going to Paris and London to celebrate and I really don't want to struggle with walking around those wonderful cities carrying 90 extra pounds. Don't get me started about the photos I'll be sharing with friends and family! When I was lighter, I enjoyed traveling. Now it's a challenge and not very pleasant. Nobody to blame but myself.

 

I decided to recommit to eating healthy, measuring my portions and regular exercise to regain my life. I got back on my exercise bike and slowly built up the time I was able to spend on it. The great thing is in just over 3 months I've lost 55 lbs and 8" off my waist. I love hearing people ask if I'm losing weight. It puts a pep in my step. Seeing my waist shrink and buying smaller pants is a sweeter than any dessert and lasts so much longer. 

I know I can reach whatever goals I set for myself. I've done it before. It's staying the course that's the real challenge. How to add calories back into my diet in a healthy way instead of reverting back to my old habits. Let's face it, losing 100+ lbs makes anyone feel like they can eat a few potato chips or cookies. Moderation is my challenge.

 

I need to remember where I came from, how desperate I was for a change, how I felt when  was heavier and how I felt when I reached my goal. I'm soooo looking forward to being "Overweight". How sad is that? I haven't gained 10 lbs. I'm obese. To be Overweight will be a huge accomplishment and it's only a couple pounds away.

 

I'm not as fanatical as I was when I first had surgery. I want to find a lifestyle I can live with. To be able to eat out and not go crazy or enjoy a less than perfect meal once in a while like "Shake 'n Bake pork chops" should be doable. I want to be active. It allows me to participate in life and not watch it from the sidelines. When I fly to Europe there will be no seatbelt extender, ugly looks from people on the plane hoping I'm not sitting next to them or worrying about having to use that RV size bathroom.  We all have a vision of what our lives can be like if we lose the weight we want to lose. I have to remember those things and keep myself inspired.

 

My blog has always been a place for me to be brutally honest with myself sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my journey. I know that I create my own path to success (as I define it). When I stray, even for years at a time, I can always find my way back and start moving forward. This is a lifelong struggle I've had but, with my tool, I can be healthy. I can live longer and I can even have some fun along the way.

I talked to my therapist yesterday about decreasing my meds. She was actually pretty supportive. When I went through some of the issues I've had, the weight graph from fitday that shows when my weight issue began and the other things we discussed, I think it makes sense to at least try to decrease the amount of meds I take and see if that helps. Today I see the psych who actually writes the prescriptions to tell him what I want to do. I have had these discussions with him over the last year. I think his view is... well you aren't depressed so things must be great. My therapist commented yesterday that the emotional effects of medication are one measurement but so are physical effects. I'm glad she is hearing me.

I have never considered my WLS a quick fix to my weight problems.It's more like a war with many battles that are fought. There are always casualties in these battles. My goal has always been to learn from each experience to minimize the casualties. I use different metaphores for my journey-- walking on the path, war, etc. It's all the same. Learning from my mistakes so I can stop making them in the future.

I admitted to my therapist that I can't figure out why I am dispondent over this issue. I am not exercising but I am not freaked out about it. I am not making the best eating choices but it's not concerning me, etc. The me of 2 years ago would be allowing myself to make one or two unhealthy eating choices as a treat and then immediately getting right back on my healthy eating program. This has just not been the case. I believe in taking responsibility for my actions and being accountable for what I do. But, there's also a point where I start beating myself up over things I have no control over. Why was I so effective at this process and now I'm not? What is the major change?

When I began therapy, it was because I had lost all the weight I had wanted to but I found I was not happy. Somehow, I thought that losing that shroud of fat was going to magically transform me into another person-- maybe freeing me. Well, the fat was really the symptom for other underlying issues I'm sure. I ate to hide from my sexuality. I ate because I was bored and lonely. I ate to celebrate things or because I was sad. I ate because of a variety of emotional "triggers" that I no longer was allowing myself to respond to. Somewhere, my brain was struggling with that I'm sure. The first therapist I started seeing listened for quite a while and finally gave me the diagnosis "bi-polar/hypo manic (a little manic)". That started the process of medication and where I am today.

I have a new therapist-- wanted to see someone who is in the same practice as the guy who writes the scripts so he can read her notes instead of me trying to remember everything we talk about when it comes time to get my prescriptions. I don't know if the initial diagnosis is correct. Maybe it is and maybe it's not. It doesn't mean that the level of meds they give me is correct. Maybe it's too strong or the wrong one. I still struggle with anxiety and I take meds. I'd rather exercise everyday and feel like I am living a healthy lifestyle than feel like I am slowly reverting back to my old ways. My therapist is hearing that and it will become the centerpiece of our discussions moving into 2011.

So today I went downstairs and I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I rode my exercise bike for 15 minutes. I didn't do any stretching, strength training, ab crunches or the other things I might have done in the past but it's a start. I'm a huge believer in 10 minutes is better than no minutes. I did something today to help me turn this ship in the direction I want to go in. Last night, Jack baked me some chicken and steamed some broccoli. It's funny how the simplest of things are often the best. I'm having a bowl of low sugar oatmeal as a late breakfast. It's really cold here in Atlanta today. It's anot a high-protein focussed breakfast but it's low calorie and it's filling. I'm going to follow it with a banana and hop in the shower knowing I took 2 steps toward my goals. It's better than running away from them!

It has been quite a while since I have posted on my blog. Normally, when I am not actively posting on my OH journal, it's not a good sign. By that, I mean I am usually not actively engaged in my WLS journey. I was just re-reading a few of my most recent posts. Maybe I should have been re-reading those before. I had/have been struggling for a while now. Why can't I find the will power to exercise like I did? Why am I struggling with my portions, food choices, etc.? Where did the passion for health and wellness go?

I am going to take these topics on individually because I think they are each affected by different things. I found out about 2 months ago that I had a herniated disc in my low back (L5/S1) and it was driving me crazy with terrible shooting pains down my left leg from my pelvic bone all the way to behind the knee cap. Maybe this has been going on for a while before the nerve pain really got out of control. I ended up trying more cortisone shots but got very lSo ittle relief. On 11/10, I had surgery (micro-discectomy) to remove the part of the disc that was pressing against the nerve and the pain was gone. I have not started PT yet but I am optimistic that the problem is resolved. At least that one is.

The mental/emotional one is more perplexing to me. My relationship with food is frustrating me. Because I have one now. I need to kick food to the curb and move on. Why am I an emotional eater again? I believe it's two-fold. When I am unable to exercise, I do not have a way to channel pent up anxiety and it festers inside. Exercise is an excellent way to burn extra calories but it also became a way for me to channel my frustrations in a positive way. Instead of sitting on the sofa for an hour eating chips, I would sit on my exercise bike and sweat it out. It's like re-directing that energy for good instead of evil. The other thing that I think is going on with me has to do with the anti-depression meds I have been taking. If I looked at my weight charts on FitDay.com, I can draw a distinct correlation between weight gain and/or struggle with when I started taking them. It's like I've lost the internal traffic cop that I used to have. I'm not depressed anymore which is a wonderful thing but... there's a point where I need to figure out a new solution. 

Being diagnosed bi-polar after I lost all my weight was a mixed blessing. It explained how I found so much energy, focus and determination to lose 140 lbs in 6 months with my band. Maybe it was a manic thing. I was beyond focussed on what I ate and exercising ever day. Being too obsessed with the scale is not healthy but not caring isn't good either. Finding balance in life is what I want to strive for. I truly believe that healthy behaviors will lead to long term success with WLS. If I can find a healthy mix of measuring portions, planning healthy meals and getting in enough exercise, everything will work itself out. Sure, taking a vitamin everyday, getting in my water, chewing my food and all those other "guidelines" are really important. They have almost become 2nd nature to me. I don't dismiss or minimize them either. For me, the BIG THREE are measured portions, healthy food choices and regular exercise. When I do those things, it's all good.

I see my therapist today. I'm going to talk to her about a gradual reduction from my meds. I really want to get myself back downstairs regularly. I feel like I did after my motorcycle accident-- like I am starting over. Almost re-learning behaviors. In a way, it is a good thing. The real challenge for me is finding the inspiration to live a healthy lifestyle.

I have to go back to some of my notes and review them. Looking at my old photos helps remind me of what life was like as well. There's a point where I start living in denial. Trying to convince myself that I'll start tomorrow. Well, tomorrow is today. I can go downstairs and do 10 minutes on the bike or treadmill. 10 minutes is better than no minutes. I have to take back my life from that cheating, 2 timing, good for nothing so and so FOOD! It is a THING. I cannot allow a THING to have control over my life.

This can be my Christmas gift to myself.

I saw my therapist yesterday and we talked about my eating. Of course, she and I both feel like there is some emotional connection between the desire to eat and doing it. There are many times when I opt not to. This is especially true when I am actively engaged in a healthy eating/living program. When I weigh myself,, plan healthy meals, exercise reguarly and measure portions, it seems like I stick to my goals more effectively. I have written about Sweat Equity before. This notion that when you put an effort into your weight loss, or even maintaining the loss you've achieved, you are more apt to want to maintain it. It seems like when I put forth a daily effort, to exercise, for example, I start to appreciate just how much time and effort it takes to burn 300 calories. Wasting all that time in a moment of pleasure eating a Snickers bar becomes less attractive. When I don't exercise, these thoughts are not at the top of my thought process. That's not to say people who are cutting calories are not fully aware of their calorie intake levels and are making those choices consciously. I'm just talking about my thought process now.

Trying to become more aware of my true feelings is proving to be a bigger challenge than i thought. I think I go into "health kick" mode and just buckle down and do it for a while. I start tracking my weight and portions and so on. I see the scale move and know I am doing all the things to live a healthy life. Healthy behaviors lead to long term success. However, I have unhealthy desires that keep eeking their way into my thought process. It might be after 6 months, a year or some other time.

I started the whole therapy process to figure out why I wasn't happy after I had lost all the weight I wanted to lose and I think I have been grasping at straws ever since. Defining what my life should look like and what sort of things I want to be doing, is a start. That is the beginning to a Wellness Vision I think. So I will start on that. Spelling out what my vision for Mick is. Not just physically but in other areas too.

I can choose to make 3 healthy eating choices today. I can choose to exercise today and measure my portions. I  can do these things whether I want to or not. My goal is to figure out a way to want to for the long term. I need to find that passion I had in the beginning and reinvigorate myself. I think reviewing why I wanted to lose weight in the beginning, remembering what life was like when I was heavy, creating a new set of goals to work toward and then making a structured day that builds toward those goals may be the way to get there.

Jack and I took a 7 day cruise to Alaska. It was such a beautiful place but I have to say tempting foods are a real challenge for me. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. I find that I can justify poor decisions too easily. I'm not going to beat myself up over the cruise. It was vacation and I'm back. It's time to get myself focussed on why I want to live a healthy lifestyle, why I wanted to lose my weight and what things I need to do to get and stay at a healthy weight.

I have an appointment with my therapist today. I have sketched out some things to talk about. Mostly, I'm struggling with why I haven't been measuring my portions the last couple months and why I haven't been planning healthy meals. I don't know if it's the stress of getting married my birhtday in May or some bigger underlying issue that I am not dealing with.

Sometimes I feel like I am yo-yoing between periods of healthy living and periods of not-so-healthy living. My goal is to find a balance. If I can't, then I would prefer to eliminate those foods that I cannot moderate. Of course, I say this now. At 10pm, I don't always feel this way.

I write these feelings and issues here because it's my journal. My place to be brutally honest with myself and to try and examine what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and figure out how to live long term with my band. If other people can identify with what I am going through, great. If not, that's fine too. The real goal is for me to have a history of this experience that I can look back on. I'm realizing that I have stopped journaling and, in the process, stopped thinking about this journey... meal planning, exercise and all of the other things that are associated with living with my band. I need to get back to basics and daily rituals that enable me to be successful long term. One of those rituals is journaling. it gives me cause to pause and reflect on my day or week and think about what I'm doing and how it's either helping or hindering my progress on this journey.

So, the vacation is over. Now I need to work on a Wellness Vision for myself. I need to start planning my meals and getting excited about that aspect of my life again. I think I have been caught up in painting and other things with my house that distract me from my real priorities.

The wedding was really wonderful. Vermont is such a beautiful state. It's very quaint and the people warm and inviting. I can't believe just how open they were. There's not a big gay population but people there all were very happy for Jack and I and didn't even miss a beat when we said we were there to get married. Instead, they would offer suggestions on restaurants for our wedding dinner or other similar options. It was really quite remarkable.



It was a wonderful trip. Had a great time and returned married. I didn't think it would make such a big impact. Afterall, we've been together 15 years but, there's something significant about saying your vows and exchanging rings. Maybe's the ceremony. It was very cathartic for me.

We're having a Wedding Announcement Party at our house on July 10th for friends, Jack's family and neighbors. I have been working on the house the past 2 weeks to get it ready. So far, I've varnished the front doors and painted two rooms. Nothing like company to light a fire under me!

We are planning a menu for our party that is going to be very vegetarian friendly. More to come.

In just under a week I'll be married! Yesterday, Jack and I went to Macy's and picked out our outfits. White linen pants and blue button shirts.

We're flying to Vermont and getting married in a park on a lake. It should be a really pretty informal service. We didn't want to wear suits since I'm not a suit guy anymore and I think we'd get more "mileage" out of these clothes.

I'm getting nervous and excited. I don't know why really. We celebrated 15 years together last January. I can't be more committed to Jack now than any other time in my life. Maybe it's all the planning I've put into this-- the rings, the outfits, the little details while in Vermont. In a blink, it will all be over and we'll be married.

By this time next week, we'll be a married couple, checking out of the hotel and leaving for the airport to return back to Atlanta. How strange is that? I'm ready for this. I want to do a little more talking with Jack. Are we changing our names? I don't think so. It's just a wonderful thing to have a piece of paper that says our relationship is recognized SOMEWHERE.

Mick

We went to a neighbor's house for a bbq last night. It was nice. There were actually several neighbors there. I saw a few people that I haven't seen since before Christmas. They said, "Wow! You look great!" I think there is something about seeing the reaction on people's faces when they see me and realize I've lost the weight I had gained after my motorcycle accident. It is a form of recognition. I don't look for others to tell me that I look good or comment on my weight. But I did gain about 40 lbs after my accident and I know people noticed whether they said anything or not.

I think when I go about my daily life and happen upon compliments, it's really nice. There's a huge difference between that and looking for them or hanging on other people's opinions of me. This journey is a lifelong one. I may gain or lose based on different seasons in my life. I'm in it for the long haul. My goal is healthy behaviors that lead to life long success.

Today, we went to the movies and I didn't have anything to eat. Just drank some water. Tonight, I was craving dessert. Instead, I had a glass of sugar free hot chocolate. I think it's a combination of leading up to my wedding in 2 weeks and knowing that I've made progress.