Step by step

Dec 20, 2010

I talked to my therapist yesterday about decreasing my meds. She was actually pretty supportive. When I went through some of the issues I've had, the weight graph from fitday that shows when my weight issue began and the other things we discussed, I think it makes sense to at least try to decrease the amount of meds I take and see if that helps. Today I see the psych who actually writes the prescriptions to tell him what I want to do. I have had these discussions with him over the last year. I think his view is... well you aren't depressed so things must be great. My therapist commented yesterday that the emotional effects of medication are one measurement but so are physical effects. I'm glad she is hearing me.

I have never considered my WLS a quick fix to my weight problems.It's more like a war with many battles that are fought. There are always casualties in these battles. My goal has always been to learn from each experience to minimize the casualties. I use different metaphores for my journey-- walking on the path, war, etc. It's all the same. Learning from my mistakes so I can stop making them in the future.

I admitted to my therapist that I can't figure out why I am dispondent over this issue. I am not exercising but I am not freaked out about it. I am not making the best eating choices but it's not concerning me, etc. The me of 2 years ago would be allowing myself to make one or two unhealthy eating choices as a treat and then immediately getting right back on my healthy eating program. This has just not been the case. I believe in taking responsibility for my actions and being accountable for what I do. But, there's also a point where I start beating myself up over things I have no control over. Why was I so effective at this process and now I'm not? What is the major change?

When I began therapy, it was because I had lost all the weight I had wanted to but I found I was not happy. Somehow, I thought that losing that shroud of fat was going to magically transform me into another person-- maybe freeing me. Well, the fat was really the symptom for other underlying issues I'm sure. I ate to hide from my sexuality. I ate because I was bored and lonely. I ate to celebrate things or because I was sad. I ate because of a variety of emotional "triggers" that I no longer was allowing myself to respond to. Somewhere, my brain was struggling with that I'm sure. The first therapist I started seeing listened for quite a while and finally gave me the diagnosis "bi-polar/hypo manic (a little manic)". That started the process of medication and where I am today.

I have a new therapist-- wanted to see someone who is in the same practice as the guy who writes the scripts so he can read her notes instead of me trying to remember everything we talk about when it comes time to get my prescriptions. I don't know if the initial diagnosis is correct. Maybe it is and maybe it's not. It doesn't mean that the level of meds they give me is correct. Maybe it's too strong or the wrong one. I still struggle with anxiety and I take meds. I'd rather exercise everyday and feel like I am living a healthy lifestyle than feel like I am slowly reverting back to my old ways. My therapist is hearing that and it will become the centerpiece of our discussions moving into 2011.

So today I went downstairs and I walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes and I rode my exercise bike for 15 minutes. I didn't do any stretching, strength training, ab crunches or the other things I might have done in the past but it's a start. I'm a huge believer in 10 minutes is better than no minutes. I did something today to help me turn this ship in the direction I want to go in. Last night, Jack baked me some chicken and steamed some broccoli. It's funny how the simplest of things are often the best. I'm having a bowl of low sugar oatmeal as a late breakfast. It's really cold here in Atlanta today. It's anot a high-protein focussed breakfast but it's low calorie and it's filling. I'm going to follow it with a banana and hop in the shower knowing I took 2 steps toward my goals. It's better than running away from them!

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