MickATL
Realizing I've been complacent
Sep 10, 2014
I've been bad for far too long. Just seeing the date of my last post says it all. It is so easy to revert back to old behaviors. In fact, how can we expect anything different if we keep doing the same things we did before surgery? I attacked my post op goals with a vengeance and lost 140 lbs with a lap band in 6 months. Somehow, after that, I lost some of my zeal. I believe a big part of it was due to anti-depression medications followed by a bad motorcycle accident that left me with a broken leg and wrist. The long and short of it is I became sedentary and then stopped measuring what I ate, counting calories, planning healthy meals and daily exercise.
It's funny how I never notice my weight gain or loss looking in the mirror. I guess it's because I see that image everyday and the changes are very gradual. Photographs are a totally different story! Why is it when we are heavy we become experts at avoiding being photographed and hiding our weight by layering or wearing looser clothes?
Over the last 4 years, I've regained 90 lbs from 185 to 275. Yes, 275 is 50 lbs lower than my pre-op weight but what a waste of my tool. It's still there waiting to help me eat smaller portions by satiating me with smaller meals. Like all WLS, there are ways to eat around your surgery so this experience is true for everyone. They say you have surgery on your stomach not your brain and it's true!
My problem is not my surgery, it's my thought process. Our surgery can't change what foods sound delicious to us, it won't make us move more by exercising or make healthy choices when we eat. WE have to do that and I struggle with it on a daily basis. But... still my band is there waiting for me to use it.
Getting the reminder that my 7th anniversary of my surgery was approaching gave me a wake up call. So did the added back pain, weight gain, turning 48 and my 20th anniversary with my husband. We are going to Paris and London to celebrate and I really don't want to struggle with walking around those wonderful cities carrying 90 extra pounds. Don't get me started about the photos I'll be sharing with friends and family! When I was lighter, I enjoyed traveling. Now it's a challenge and not very pleasant. Nobody to blame but myself.
I decided to recommit to eating healthy, measuring my portions and regular exercise to regain my life. I got back on my exercise bike and slowly built up the time I was able to spend on it. The great thing is in just over 3 months I've lost 55 lbs and 8" off my waist. I love hearing people ask if I'm losing weight. It puts a pep in my step. Seeing my waist shrink and buying smaller pants is a sweeter than any dessert and lasts so much longer.
I know I can reach whatever goals I set for myself. I've done it before. It's staying the course that's the real challenge. How to add calories back into my diet in a healthy way instead of reverting back to my old habits. Let's face it, losing 100+ lbs makes anyone feel like they can eat a few potato chips or cookies. Moderation is my challenge.
I need to remember where I came from, how desperate I was for a change, how I felt when was heavier and how I felt when I reached my goal. I'm soooo looking forward to being "Overweight". How sad is that? I haven't gained 10 lbs. I'm obese. To be Overweight will be a huge accomplishment and it's only a couple pounds away.
I'm not as fanatical as I was when I first had surgery. I want to find a lifestyle I can live with. To be able to eat out and not go crazy or enjoy a less than perfect meal once in a while like "Shake 'n Bake pork chops" should be doable. I want to be active. It allows me to participate in life and not watch it from the sidelines. When I fly to Europe there will be no seatbelt extender, ugly looks from people on the plane hoping I'm not sitting next to them or worrying about having to use that RV size bathroom. We all have a vision of what our lives can be like if we lose the weight we want to lose. I have to remember those things and keep myself inspired.
My blog has always been a place for me to be brutally honest with myself sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my journey. I know that I create my own path to success (as I define it). When I stray, even for years at a time, I can always find my way back and start moving forward. This is a lifelong struggle I've had but, with my tool, I can be healthy. I can live longer and I can even have some fun along the way.
