Jennifer J.
MY JOURNAL
MY BATTLE WITH OBESITY....May 2006
*******Everything in our lives happens for a purpose and that purpose is to prepare us.**********
I was a normal weight until my late teens. I believe I became clinically depressed at this time but it was never diagnosed and I hid it from my family. I would cry in my room in the deepest of despair, feeling lost and sad to my core. Food became my comfort and protection from the world, my drug of choice to stop the pain. I would eventually lose 80lbs. when I was 21 thru 'The Weight Loss Clinic'. I was traveling and working in London, England for a year, all of a sudden a reason to live and have a new beginning. But even there I could be having a grand old time with friends but in my head obsessing about when I could eventually leave and go eat something yummy.
I tried O.A., (Over eaters anonymous) once, and if I could have found the worst group of negative energy and support for each other , this was it.
And lets not forget my meeting with a Nutritionist at the local hospital who pulled out the Canada Food Guide from her desk on what proper foods I should be eating and how much I should eat at each meal..Unfuckingbelievable??!!! I know what is bloody healthy and all about portions just try telling my brain to adhere to it!!!! These untrained 'professionals' really suck when you need them most!!
By the time I was 26-27 and near the end of a mentally abusive relationship I was heavier than I had been before and through these years food was always on my mind. Each day hoping to be in control of it but it always winning the battle. There is almost an insanity to it because you go over and over and over in your head until you give into your temptation and true desire. I look back and wanted the professionals to understand I had a problem. I knew my issues with food were not normal. I was told by two different therapists I should learn to love who I am and its not the weight but its my depression that needed to be worked on...They did not understand my food obsession.... and at the time, either did I. They wanted me to just love the body I was given. It was so much more than this because I did not hate myself, I just wanted help. All the pain, agony, frustration, confusion, negativity, put downs, embarrassment and days wasted avoiding and hiding from life...if only they had understood my cries for help... I attempted the Atkins diet a couple of times...I found it very difficult to deny myself Carbs in the end.... I lost 20 lbs. twice and gained it 3 times.
Tried the exercise angle and walked for an hour 4 nights a week, cut out potato chips and pop, takeout food...10 pounds lost after 9 mths. I was devastated. Continued to do my walking routine with a friend for the next couple of years but did it more for my heart. Oh and I tried Aquatics and am probably the only person to injure themselves doing it!
At 33 I finally mustered up the power that I could lose my weight again... I had hit rock bottom with depression, I was so low there was only one way but up and I had avoided setting a wedding date long enough! I lost 130 lbs. thru 'The Bernstein Diet Clinic'. An extremely low calorie diet. I really thought I had licked my weight struggle and that this was my miracle cure and things would be different..... So naive...There was approx. 3 mths between the time I ended with this weight program and my wedding. I was eating normally without starving myself but avoiding fast food. I put 20lbs. on during this time but still looked good at 180lbs. Went on our honeymoon to NYC. We walked everywhere and ate a slice of pizza for lunch (not a whole pizza) steak for dinner…blah…blah..blah… Well needless to say I put 10lbs. on during my honeymoon and my husband lost 5lbs. (so unfair!)
I vowed to everybody that I would never be fat again, I worked too hard at this, never again! So I joined a 'learn to run' group. I was so proud of myself and really enjoyed it. But by mid autumn, I was craving junk food after a run..... it was like my body chemistry and brain ganged up on me and I became a binge eater like I had never seen before. I was put on a new anti-depressant called 'Effexor'. It messed me up even more and made my food addiction the most intense it had ever been but by the time I changed to 'Celexa' the damage was already done. Almost nightly' like a heroin addict, I would have the most intense craving for Macdonalds and the largest appetite I had ever had...I would order 2 super sized double quarter pounder meals, finish all the food plus 2 large cokes and then follow it with 6 apple pies. Many nights i would eat 8 kit kats. (I often thought i had an overly laege stomach but I don't, so maybe it was a hollow leg)Every bite of this food was euphoria and I was insatiable. I got away with my binging for awhile because I still looked pretty good and tried to keep active.
My appearance was always being scrutinized as an Esthetician (facials, pedicures waxing etc…) People 'stare and share' as you work on them and as the winter ended the compliments stopped coming. Conversation about my weight program and how amazing it was ceased. The odd backhanded compliment was made (back to how it was the last few years) I tried the same expensive diet program again and lost 40 lbs. but the passion to succeed had been gutted with a knife and I quickly put it back on...tried Hypnotherapy for several months (no childhood trauma plus I have loving amazing parents) so nothing obvious that caused my disfunction....tried Weight Watchers..gained weight cuz I just did not give a shit anymore and I was pissed.
355 lbs now. Trouble breathing, working, moving. I waddle, can't chase my dogs or put my socks on. Years of not being in control of my body, feeling like a failure and having all who know me, literally watching my darkest, deepest and most intimate struggle, left me feeling extremely vulnerable and humiliated.The lovely weekend getaway with my husband in Toronto where 3 men made a pig call (soo-eeeee!!!) as I walked by and a few ignorant clients over the years definitely wounded me.
"If you eat properly and exercise you will be a proper weight." It's upsetting people don't understand. (then again do I?) I've been told how amazing I looked when I lost my weight and I can do it again………Lightbulb moment!!!!!!! Lose it again??????????? I’ve got bigger every fucking time!!!!!!! Lose it again??????? For it to come back and destroy me again?????????
This past autumn I started researching Gastric Bypass RNY. I found this was the best method for longterm success and for someone who is a binger/over eater/food addict and has metoboloc syndrome (diagnosed by an Obesity specialist at 'The Ottawa Hospital'. The Universe has guided me to this and I am so thankful.
(A lady on the Ontario forum has a magazine she wants people to contribute to regarding living large, so I wrote this poem and sent it to her.)
Nothing Fits (and it looks like Shit)
I look through my closet
I have nothing to wear
I must have dried this too long
It’s too tight and I swear
This means I have to go shopping
The nightmare begins
A floor of wrinkly clothes
Piled high to my shins
I have one choice of store
That fit girls like me
But their largest quadrupleduple x
Is rather snug you see
It’s hard being big
Even worse the style of clothing
The bitterness in me
Is such a level of loathing
Summer fashion is here
Where can I hide?
Diagonal stripes on polyester
Flowers patterns so wide
Expensive ugly clothes
Makes life even tougher
Heaven forbid I have some self pride
Since I’m twice the size of my father
Slim ladies in cotton dresses
Much cooler than hot poly pants
Why does the fashion world dislike us?
They just won’t give fat people a chance.
We all want to be happy
To just leave the house feeling great
Neutral colours, cool fabrics and style
That never again we will hate
If only I could sew and had talent
Cuz I’d make clothes that would fit us all
Ladies and gents no matter your size
Would feel proud to shop at the mall
GWENHYFYR (Jennifer J.)
**************“The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated.” — Mahatma Ghandi ******************************
