milauran
Post-op Posts
Dec 05, 2009
Here is a series of my posts starting right after my surgery. I like to start reading someone's story in chronological order rather than the way most blogs are starting with the most current - call me a little backwards!
Post Date 11/14/09 11:03 am
Topic: Now a certified member of the Royal Order of Sleeve Sisters...
bestowed by Dr Pop himself no less!
Just checking in the Marriot Eaglecrest (at $50 per night through Priceline thanks to all the wonderful advice I got from many of you)
Thanks to Jennie for keeping my OH friends updated. And thanks for all your well wishes and support, it really does help knowing there are many caring people out there who know exactly what you are going through.
I'm doing really well all things considered. Don't have any gas pains so far (she knocks on wood). I'm limited on what I can take for pain relief but other than when I go to get up or sit down, I don't really have any pain.
Biggest problem so far is remembering to take small sips and wait in between. Enough discomfort and I guess I'll learn to remember.
Barix was wonderful, great care and of course a great surgeon.
More to come later.
Post Date 11/16/09 7:42 pm
Topic: I'm home safe & sound
Just a brief update on my status. After a very long 8 days, I'm home safe and sound.
I saw Dr Pop this morning before heading back to Ottawa. I'm doing really well, no nausea, no gas pains, no pain to speak of unless I am getting up or sitting/lying down (that is very painful), tolerating full fluids well. Energy level is good but I'm very aware that I need to bump up the protein levels of what I am taking in as quickly as I can. It was hard to do that living out of a hotel or travelling on the road all day today but now that I'm home, I'll be able to plan a little better.
And spending some much needed OH catching up time.....
It feels very surreal, sitting in my lazy boy chair where I spent nine months agonizing, deliberating, working towards this point and here I am, all sleeved up and sitting on the freaken loser's bench at last.. I realize how fortunate I am that it has gone so well to this point and I'm sure it will take some time to process all of thiis.
But it sure is good to be home!
Post Date 11/20/09 4:10 am
Topic: One week out, things I wasn't prepared for... long (of course)
As much as I thought I was well prepared for post-op life, some things still caught me by surprise.
Before surgery,I was worried about things like major complications, or being so nauseated that I would not being able to keep things down, but so far I have been lucky, I am having a very easy time of it.
It is the small tihings I wasn't prepared for - like taking pills. I have a really hard time at the best of times with pills. I have always had to take a pill and swallow it down with lots of liquid and a few bites of something like a carrot to carry the pill down. Of course I can't do that now so on top of having to now cut the pills into smaller pieces, I have to try to wash them down with less liquid or with something like pudding or yogurt which isn't working all that well. A minor inconvenience in the scheme of things but a pain none the less. As a result, I've avoided taking pain meds for the most part but I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I can live with it. I tried liquid extra strength Tylenol but yuck! I can't take Vicodan so they couldn't give me that in liquid form.
The other thing I wasn't prepared for was how difficult it is to remember to take small sips/bites, and to take breaks in between - no surprise to those of you who have gone through it I'm sure. If I could focus on nothing but eating or drinking it wouldn't be as hard, but because you have to eat and drink all the time, it's almost impossible (for me anyway) to stay focused every minute of the day so I either forget or take sips that are too large or too closely spaced.. I'm doing all the tricks like using a sippy cup, keeping it in my hand as much as possible (a little tricky to type and do that) and using a baby spoon but it's still a learning curve.
Fortunately because it is full fluids that I am eating/drinking at the moment, it isn't too serious (painful) but I'll have to do a better job of it when I move onto more solid food. I also thought it wouldn't be difficult to get all the fluids in because after all, you have many hours in a day to do so, but again, because it is so easy to lose track of time or get distracted, it is turning out to be harder than I thought it would be. I have Attention Deficit Disorder so staying focused is not my strong suit at the best of times.
I find myself obessing about making every bite/swallow count in terms of protein content. My sister made me a lovely squash and apple soup - it is so good! But I feel guilty eating it because it doesn't have any protein in it. I've tried adding milk to add some protein but it didn't taste as good.
Tracking the amount of liquid/protein I'm taking in I'm also finding tricky. I can pour a glass of water but if I'm busy trying to down a shake, I end up pouring most of the water down the drain and getting a fresh one so can't always tell how much I actually drank.
I thought I was prepared for dealing wth the emotional eating side of it, but I wasn't expecting to feel angry about not being able to eat what I want - angry at myself I guess - as in what the hell have you gotten yourself into. It's managable though, and I guess a natural part of the grieving process around choosing to get a destructive friend out of my life. Necessary but still painful.
All in all, I'm doing very well, being pampered by family and friends, enjoying my time off work, and of course, looking forward to eating real food down the road.
Post Date 11/22/09 6:16 am
Topic: question re pain tolerance & restriction
I swore I would not panic about somehow being the one who's wls surgery would fail. I have seen many postings about this very thing and I know it is not uncommon - and I know I am being paranoid - but!!!
I am very concerned at this point. I am eleven days post-op and I ate 950 calories yesterday. I just ate a whole egg without a problem. I am not getting any twinges of discomfort, I know I am eating pureed food which are more tolerated but still.
I have a very high pain tolerance. I think that has a great deal to do with why I recover very easily from surgery. I just don't feel the pain. I am beginning to think that my response to the restriction of my stomach (I'm VSG but we are suppose to have a similar capacity to RNY at this stage) is not going to be as affective because I don't feel it the same as most others. I wonder if anyone else felt the same.
I can tolerate everything, I have no nausea, heartburn, changes in taste buds or anything else. I hardly feel like I had surgery at this point. I know there is some issue with nerve endings not responding as normal at first and that does change but mine seems to be a bit extreme. And if it is a nerve thing, am I doing damage by overeating at this stage.
The scale has not moved in 4 days - at 11 days out. I wasn't expecting my weight loss to be as dramatic in the first week as everyone elses, mainly because I lost so much before surgery, but still.
So hit me with your posts that I am worrying for nothing, that my surgery will not fail, that the scale will move eventually, I obviously need them!
Post Date 11/23/09 2:38 pm
Topic: RE: 3 month check up - wows and confusion
I'm curious about something. I'm only 12 days out so it's early yet to reach any conclusions (she says after the scale not moving for 5 days).
I have a sort of theory and I was curious if any of you fit in this category. I have a very high pain tolerance. I bounce back from surgery really easily, I never have stomach issues, am having no problems tolerating anything and hardly feel like I have any restriction (even though I have a sleeve, I should have about as much restriction as the rny).
So I'm wondering if people with a high pain tolerance don't feel the same kind of restriction because they don't get the signals that other people do, they push the envelope more because there's nothing telling them not to.
I know that there isn't always the best signals in the first few weeks until your nerve endings settle down so I may be talking out my hat and experience real restriction signals by the end of this week.
But do any of you that don't have strong restriction signals consider yourself to generally have a higher than normal pain tolerance?
Post Date 11/24/09 5:17 pm Topic: Starting over
It struck me this week as I set about to puree some food, remembering how I'd been shopping for baby spoons and sippy cups, that this whole journey is going back to infancy. It's like a re-birth in some ways. We start out by drinking nothing but liquids like a baby does and slowly work our way through the various food stages until we're ready to tackle 'big girl" food.
Even our taste buds reset, we can find some flavours too overpowering, our sense of smell is heightened.
This re-birth is like being given a second chance - the opportunity to develop a new relationship with food, to put the role that food plays in our lives into a healthier perspective. Food is fuel, period full stop. That doesn't mean we shouldn't get pleasure from eating, that it can't be part of important celebrations in our lives. But that is it's secondary role. The focus of those occasions should be the occasion itself and not the opportunity to stuff our faces. Going out to dinner should still be enjoyable, but it's the pleasure of the company we're with and the treat of not having to cook that should be what's special. This involves a major change in mindset, not an easy thing to do.
I really enjoy travelling. When I took my trip down to Michigan for my surgery, I realized how much of that pleasure was associated with given myself full blown permission to eat whatever and whenever I wanted. After all, I'd say to myself, I have no choice but to eat in restaurant so I might as well make the most of it. It had become so automatic for me to start every road trip with 2 diet pepsis, a large bag of popcorn and a bag of red licorice, that I didn't know what to do with my hands without having those treats at my fingertips. I felt a huge sense of loss that they were no longer part of my trips.
This is where my work lies, in adjusting the filter through which I view so many of my activities, to one that will now no longer involve food in the same significant way that it did.
It is a daunting task.
Post Date: 11/28/09 4:01 pm
Last Edit: 11/28/09 4:56 pm
I feel absolutely exactly the same way as you do M, as a matter of fact I had this exact conversation with my therapist this afternoon.
This is very different for me this time. I don't feel the same and on some level, I don't want to feel the same as I did every other time I lost weight and got excited about it. I don't trust that feeling because it was fleeting, it didn't last and I'm not sure for me, if it was based in reality. I have the same experience with people saying aren't you excited? and I say, actually I am feeling more relieved that it's finally happened, it's taken so much to get here.
I want this experience to be very real, and real for me means that I am going to process the fact that this surgery means the stripping away of the coping mechanism that saw me through my whole life. Eating was the one thing I could count on that I could control, that I could use to make myself feel good in an instant - even if it was destructive in the long run. It was the thing I could use to stuff down my feelings that I didn't want to feel. So for me to feel I am going through this honestly, I want to acknowledge that loss at the same time I am recognizing that I am doing something good for myself, that I am finally growing up in terms of my relationship with food, but that the inner child in me is in a very scary place at the moment because she is know longer in charge of my eating. I don't want to rush to feeling nothing but high. In time that will come but I need to honour the loss of my life long friend as I move forward to a better place.
This is my process and in no way what I think anyone else should be doing, my therapist says I am very complex which is true, sometimes I wish things could be simpler that I could just dive in feet first and be happy. I've gone through a lot of therapy to get to this place and therein lies my hope that this time it is different, that it is for life, but feel I can't bypass any of the steps along the way and rush headlong into feeing great about it.
We do seem to have a hard time to see ourselves and our size realistically, I think it might have something to do with the speed with which it happens, our brains don't have a chance to catch up. But I think your right that it has something to do with the fact that it very different this time, that there is no going back. Maybe it could be our reluctance to accept that.
Post Date 11/29/09 8:58 pm
Topic: RE: who did you tell about your surgery???
Pretty well everyone in my life knows. I was comfortable with doing that but it is very much a personal choice. I haven't had to deal with any negativity so far.
I am comfortable with my decision to have surgery, people in our lives that are negative about it tend to do it for one of 2 reasons, they are afraid for us or they are jealous. I view that as being their issue not mine. All I can do is my best to explain that I did my research and that this is what my doctor and I decided was the best thing for me.
I really do view the surgery as levelling the playing field for us to manage food. For those of us who have yoyo dieted most of our lives, it is almost impossible for our bodies to reset back to subsisting on a normal amount of food. If you look at the fact that once reaching goal, the average wls patient lives on no more than 1200 calories a day - that is a diet for the rest of the world. The odds of someone who is morbidly obese losing weight and keeping it off is statistically miniscule, that is a proven fact. No amount of "working harder" or "doing it naturally" is going to work - period full stop. We have so much working against us in this battle from metabolism to genes to our environment. This surgery gives us the opportunity to manage food normally. There is no shame in that. It is no different then giving someone who can't walk a wheelchair. It is a tool that will allow us to live a normal life - a life we deserve.
The other reason why I tell people is because I think I can be a role model. But these are my reason and my circumstances. Someone in my office had WLS 18 months ago so it was not something new. My family and friends were supportive. Not everyone has the same circumstances so it is an individual decision.
My only thought is that that the decision to not tell should not be because of shame or guilt.
Post Date 11/30/09 6:50 am
Topic: RE: Monday Morning Weigh-In
That's frustrating I'm sure Sandy. I think Erica was stuck at 201 for like 10 days. I swear our brains really do have something to do with psychologically getting past some of these goal weights.
So last night, I went to bed last night with really positive thoughts, envisioning the pounds I was losing, I wanted to be able to post on this thread this morning with good news. Surely I wad due for some good news, after all, I am only just over 2 week out. I even went out for a vigorous half hour walk yesterday and the day before to help things along.
So I enthusiastically jump on the scale this morning and voila! I gained a half a pound which means my net loss for this week - are you ready - IS ONE HALF A FREAKING POUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Since I returned home from surgery on day 5 (I lost 6 at that point), I have lost 1.5 pounds - in 13 days - this is, what is the right word - f**cking frustrating to put it mildy,
Now I am going to go curl up in a ball somewhere and try to get to my happy place. Sorry to highjack your post with my own personal whining...
Onederland is just around the corner Sandy, it's coming for you, I can feel it!
Links to newbie threads I've been working on
www.obesityhelp.com/forums/on/4070989/Wiki-wls-Newbies-guide -to-the-galaxie-pre-op/
http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/on/4070990/Wiki-wls-Newbie s-guide-to-the-galaxie-post-op/
www.obesityhelp.com/forums/on/4070739/Wiki-wls-Newbies-guide -to-the-galaxie-food-amp-vitamin/
www.obesityhelp.com/forums/on/4071433/Topic-Wiki-wls-Newbies -guide-to-the-galaxie-OH-How-To/
Post Date 12/3/09 8:42 am
Topic: RE: What are you eating/doing today?
Well I wish I could say it's a good morning, I hate that whether or not the scale moved has an impact on how I feel, I keep telling myself it's only because since 6 days post-op I have lost 1 pound (it was 2 but somewhere along the way it came back). I know all the theories about plateaus and changing things up, we repeat them over and over to encourage people but we do that when they have been losing for a while and have stopped - increasing protein, water, exercising more - but at this stage, it's all I can do to get in what I am, I'm eating approx. 700 calories and getting in my protein, but I don't think I could eat much more. My water is close but not perfect and I'm trying to get more active everyday. At almost 3 weeks out I don't think many post ops are extremely active and they are just starting to plateau. On some level I know that it's going to happen eventually but boy does this mess with your head.
Post Date 12/3/09 9:51 pm
Topic: RE: Weight Management Clinic at the Civic Hosptial
Hi, welcome to OH
i did the full Optifast program many moons ago and went back on the shakes again a few years ago. However, I would now never personally recommend anyone do an Optifast program for the following reasons:
Optifast was developed as a meal replacement for rapid weight loss prior to surgery, that is what many here use it for and it is effective for that purpose.
Bariatric experts Dr. Sharma who is the Scientific Director of the Canadian Obesity Network and Dr Yani Freedhof of the Bariatriac Medicine Institute here in Ottawa, wrote an article back in February about the need to regulate weight loss programs and although they were targeting programs more like Dr Bernsteins or supplements that make ridiculous claims, they strongly feel that no responsible program should involve having to spend a lot of money on food or supplements.
An effective program should teach you had to manage the food in a realistic way and in a healthy fashion. I don't think that rapid weight is a healthy way to lose weight despite the fact that we do that very thing with surgery. Because of the nature of what the surgery does to our bodies to guarantee long term success, we are severely restricted on what we can eat and therefore rapid weight loss is unavoidable. Dr Dent's program has a lot of good elements to it but the bottom line is that you have to fork out a lot of money with statistically very poor odds of keeping the weight off. Anyone with a BMI over 40, has a one half of one percent chance of keeping weight off and in fact the pattern is to gain it back plus more. I will say that the Optifast program is more successful for people who have less to lose.
A rapid weight loss followed by a return to normal eating is rarely successful especially for those with 100 pounds or more to lose. I've known many people who did the Optifast program including 3 of my sisters and most gained their weight back. I think Weight Watchers is a far healthier approach to losing weight that deals with eating in a realistic way and losing slowly and you are not spending thousands of dollars to do it.
If I was going to recommend a program to anyone, I'd be sending them to see Dr Freedhoff. I think his approach is much more sensible, it isn't completely free because you have to pay for the dietician and other specialists involved but still an excellent program that involves long term maintenance. He has a really good blog on weight issues, here is a link to a post he did back in February that gives a check list of what you should be looking for in a weight loss program, Dr Dent's program meets most of the criteria except for the purchasing food part. www.weightymatters.ca/2009_02_01_archive.html , scroll down to his Feb 17 entry.
Here's my thinking, if you did successfully lose weight, when you were ready to go on maintenance, you would probably be eating around 1600 to 1800 calories a day to maintain your weight. If that is not sustainable, you are doing more harm than good to go on a diet and yoyo back up. How do you know if you can stick at eating only that many calories a day? - try it out. If you started tomorrow eating as you would need to eat at a healthy weight - you will end up at that healthy weight slowly but steadily. If you can't do that now, you won't be able to do it after losing the weight. We fool ourselves by saying, oh I'll be so much more motivated to lose it quickly, or once I lose it, I'll feel so good, I'll never gain it back - but none of those things are rarely true in the long run.
Anyway, enough preaching from me, Good luck on your journey whatever you decide to do.
Post Date: 12/13/09 3:47 am
Last Edit: 12/13/09 7:45 am
Just sitting here amazed at how quickly the month has flown by. I have been so very fortunate in so many ways.
I am very grateful that I had an excellent surgeon at a top notch clinic. I am grateful that I had no complications, was able to tolerate everything I ate or drank, bounced back from surgery quickly and with good energy. I feel very fortunate to have this web site and the support of all you amazing people. My pain is gone and I feel really good.
Managing the food and water is still a struggle. It isn't so much that I can't figure out what to eat, it is more stressing about it (I'm my own worst enemy!), I do get all my protein in everyday no problem, but I find myself pre-occupied all the time with when to eat, how much, did I get enough protein, trying to remember to drink, drink, drink, taking my vitamin pills and other medication, have my bowels moved lately, remembering to journal what I ate...... I spend too much energy worrying about whether I'm eating too much and freaking out if my calories get over 900 a day and feeling guilty like I've done something wrong. I mean how crazy is that, 950 calories is still not a heck of a lot of food compared to what I used to eat. I am sure over time I will be more relaxed about this. I keep trying to picture myself back at work in 2 weeks and how I'll manage everything (and still wondering how the heck Sandy went back after 1 week!) Perhaps I'm worrying for nothing and that the structure of going to work everyday will help.
I'm trying not to dwell on the weight loss or lack of. It does mess with your head and it is battle to not see myself as some kind of failure.
The few social gatherings I've gone to have been interesting experiences, these were with work related people who knew about the surgery. I know it was completely self-induced but I found myself feeling uncomfortable because I felt different from everyone else, not normal in some way and therefore somewhat isolated from the group. I also felt like there was an elephant in the room, that everyone was watching me to see what I was eating but nobody was talking about it, kind of like trying to check out whether the alcoholic was drinking or not. As I said, these feelings were self-imposed and as a result of my unease with the situation. It's not that I missed the food so much as I did being able to partake in the activity the same as everyone else. Each time it is gets a little easier.
Bottom line is that at 54 years of age, I guess I am a little thrown off by not knowing what to expect day to day, where I am constantly having to learn and that it's taking me longer than I thought it would. I'm pretty good at jumping in to new situations and I love learning new information, but having to re-learn the basics around eating has been a challenge. Things need to make sense to me but I am constantly perplexed by for example, a glass of water going down like a lead baloon but add a package of crystal light to it and it goes down fine - or why some days you eat something and really feel the restriction and other days with the same food you don't. The mysteries of WLS...
My physical recovery from surgery has been a breeze, the mental part is still a work in progress!
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Post Date 1/3/10 7:53 pm Topic: RE: what are your mini-goals??
Great post as always Erica. Thanks for getting us thinking.
My most important mini-goal is to keep working on my mental attitude, like getting over the fact that the weight isn't coming off as quickly as I'd like, that I need to be excited about the fact that I have an stomach that makes eating less a lot easier, and that I don't have that far to go to goal - so relax already!
As for the numeric goals:
225 - just obese - no more morbid!
217 - lowest weight in 30 years
199 - enough said
169 - good bye obese, hello overweight
167 - my goal weight
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Post Date 1/6/10 3:27 pm
Topic: XPOST - What makes you think you won't regain the weight!
This is thread is from the VSG board but I thought it was a thought-provoking discussion that applies to any surgery type, it really makes you think about how you you are going to ensure success this time around. What is going to make this work versus other times in the past when you've regained? There is no magic to keeping the weight off even with surgery, failures happen, what can we do to help ensure long term success?
I know for me it is something always nagging at the back of my brain but that I almost don't want to look at too closely out of fear because I don't have the answer - but I think we all need to ask ourselves the question.
We all know the black and white textbook answers to success - follow the rules. Those rules however do not take into consideration the crap that life can throw at you, it can be very easy to fall back into old habits - holiday eating is a good example of that. I know I need to be thinking about this now and several of the posts on this thread make a couple of good points for staying on top of things - going to support groups, keep coming back to the forum for reinforcement, weighing yourself regularly. We will all slip, it's getting back on the horse that counts. I have great admiration for OHers that come back after being gone a while and seeking help to get back on track - it takes a lot of courage. I think shame can sometimes keep us from seeking help and most of us have lived with shame most of our lives.
www.obesityhelp.com/forums/vsg/4095193/What-makes-you-think-you-wont-regain-the-weight/___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Post Date 1/11/10 8:31 pm
Last Edit: 1/11/10 8:34 pm
Topic: 2 months out - ups & downs...
Two months out and it has been a very interesting journey so far. Easier than expected in some areas and a lot harder in others. The physical side of things has been great other than some heartburn that is taken care of by a prescription. The food part has also been very easy, I don't struggle with what to eat or have a hard time resisting what I shouldn't eat. The mental and emotional side of things is another matter.
I haven't run across anything yet that I can't tolerate - except for plain water - that's part of the reason why I have a hard time getting it all in.
I still struggle with drinking my water on a daily basis still. Just can seem to remember to drink, especially when I am at work - I get too distracted and my body is not telling me that I am thirsty - but I am working on it.
Exercise is another thing I've been struggling with but this week I finally bit the bullet, went to the gym and started the couch to 5k program. I was pretty nervous about whether I would be able to jog on a treadmill, never having done it before but I did it! For those of you who aren't familiar with it, you start off alternating a 60 second job with a 90 minute walk and gradually over 8 weeks or so, work up to being able to jog 5k. They recommend doing it 3 time a week only with a day in between.
I was initially disappointed in my rate of weight loss but it has been more regular lately and I'm slowly coming around to being okay with it. I think a part of it was that I wasn't sure if I was doing something wrong. Now that my weight loss is more noticeable and I'm dropping in sizes, I feel better about it.
Mentally, I would get pretty stressed about managing the food and water but I am learning to relax about it a lot more now. I'm going to stop tracking my food so carefully every day for now and see how it goes. I think it's a good idea to do it at least once or twice a week but I was getting uptight about eating anything that I couldn't weigh or measure the protein - that can be tricky when you eat out or make a recipe. Emotionally has been another thing entirely and lately I have been really struggling. I've been doing some heavy duty work in therapy about this for some time but things seem to be coming to a head right now. As my therapist explains it, there are 2 major things going on with me right now, in his experience people who experience a major insult to the body in the form of organ removal or major surgery can go through a period of emotional turmoil as the body adjusts. Secondly, addictions are all about control and for 50 some odd years I've been dealing with whatever emotional difficulties I've experienced using the one thing I had control over - food. My brain is in major panic mode as it scrambles to deal with this major loss - and I am scrambling to gain control over something, anything. It is a frightening feeling and I sometimes feel almost panicky. It is hard to get a handle on it because it is more of an instinctive response and not rational thought. I find it difficult to put how I'm feeling in words or to gather my thoughts enough to respond to posts, that's why I haven't been posting much lately.
I'm confident that this will settle down in the next few months and I am still a work in progress!
At my heaviest
The ones on the left are when I started Optifast in September, I don't have my pictures from the actual day of surgery - my daughter has them on her film camera and will be sending them to me shortly.
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Post Date 1/17/10 5:31 am
Last Edit: 1/17/10 6:13 am
Topic: Nothing morbid about me - mini goal accomplished
So I am now officially no longer morbidly obese - just obese. Although I did accomplish this once before very briefly a couple of year ago, I gained a lot of it back in short order. There is something very reassuring to know that it isn't going to happen this time, that I can get rid of my bigger clothes and never look back.
The scale is dropping pretty consistantly at the moment which is great. I went to Value Village to pick up some pants in a size 20 2 weeks ago on a Saturday, and no kidding, by the Wednesday they were too big in the waist. This really helps to make it all seem more real (a little hard on the wallet though). Oh yes, and one other wow, I can put my hand around my wrist, a little thing but something I haven't been able to do for decades.
Acting is one of my life long passions and at a heavier weight, I never felt confident enough to go to audtions. There are few opportunities for roles when you start getting on in age and your competition tend to be well established in the theatre community. This week there were auditions for an Agatha Christie murder mystery and I decided to take the plunge. It went well and I made it through to the callbacks tonight which is the final selection process, a real boost to my confidence.
I'll be brushing up on my British accent today, cross your fingers for me!
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Post Date: 2/6/10 12:58 pm
I am still alive and kicking! I haven't been posting much, just doing a lot of lurking. I'm battling depression right now, finding the right medication and all that good stuff.
Depression really sucks! I've been prone to it all my life and it really does rob you of enjoyment and the pleasure you would normally get from something like losing weight.
It also makes it difficult to be positive and supportive of others when you feel like shit.
So I'm hovering in the background, watching all of you progressing along your journeys and am very happy for you. I feel badly that I'm not offering the kind of support that was offered me but know that I am rooting for you all.
I don't think everyone will respond like i have, and I think a lot depends on what other positive things you have going for you in your life. But I found out the hard way just how big a role food was playing in my life. I live alone and I hate my job, so what is the one thing I had control over, coming home at the end of the day and no matter how lousy a day it was I could make myself feel good by eating. It is a very difficult adjustment for me to have lost that, life feels pretty empty. Some of you may experience this, others who have a fulfilling job, good marriage and a good support system may have those things to fall back on and the adjustment isn't as difficult.
I know that this will pass, that I have to go through a mourning and grieving process, that medication will help once it kicks in, but it is difficult in the meantime.
I thought I had prepared myself well for this major change in life, but I guess there's nothing like reality to slap you in the face.
Enough negative stuff! I'm keeping busy with rehearsals for the play and learning my lines so that is a positive in my life. I will be very glad to see spring arrive!
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Post Date: 2/12/10 9:20 am
Well, I cleaned my fridge today. it was quite a daunting task let me tell you. When I pulled out the bottom draw, it looked like something had been massacred under there.
While doing this two things crossed my mind: a) I could actually bend down and do this - I use to hate cleaning bottom cupboards & the fridge because it was so difficult to bend down or get on the floor and back up again, and b) I must be feeling better if I actually got off my butt and did something productive!
Unfortunately, I have never gotten a feeling of satisfaction in doing housework so it's not likely to carry me into doing other much needed chores like cleaning my stove. However, one small victory at a time.
And thank goodness for anti-depressants. Better living through drugs!
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Post Date: 2/17/10 4:48 pm
I'm curious about how people define hunger. Many of you say that you never get hungry and others say they do.
What happens to me is that I get an empty grumbling in my stomach after 3 to 4 hours or so. Sometimes I ignore it, maybe take a few sips of water, but most of the time, I'm due for a meal so I eat. I don't mentally feel hungry, I'm not driven to eat, I don't really care if I eat or not, it is just my stomach with acid churning in it that seems to need some food to work on. Part of me is glad that it does this, because otherwise I would forget to eat. I am on Pantaloc (PPI) once a day. When I was on 2 a day in the beginning, I had less stomach acid and less grumbling.
For those of you that have no hunger, does that mean your stomach never feels empty or grumbles to tell you to eat? And if that is the case, are you on an acid reducer and do you think it has any bearing on your hunger?
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I hit my 3 month mark last week and didn't get around to posting anything. Thanks so much to all of you for your kind and caring words of support over the past few weeks. I am definitely feeling better and more energetic these days so am very grateful for that.
I have been given so many clothes over the past month it has been such a help - but I keep shrinking out of them! I was thrilled to fit into a size 18 a few weeks back and even more excited when very quickly they started to get too big in the waist. I couldn't believe it today when I actually fit into a size 16 shirt and pants. It's like looking at something in a foreign language seeing those sizes on the tags of my clothes. Someone gave me a few form fitting tops today and I very tentatively tried them on - and couldn't believe what i was seeing in the mirror! From someone who always wore loose, layered clothing. all of a sudden I can't stand wearing anything that is too big for me. It's like I worked hard to get here and I want to show off my progress with clothes that fit me well.
I weigh less now than I did since I was 20 years old. I have finally moved into a stage where I can really start to feel excited because I can't even remember what it was like to be here.
Anyway, here's a couple of pictures I took today:
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Post Date: 2/27/10 6:04 pm
Topic: I have my bathroom floor - and no, this is not OT
My bathroom floor tiles are white - bright sparkling white.
Bright, sparkling white that beautifully contrasts every stinking one of my fallen strands of hair. I try to ignore it, or quickly sweep it away - but by the end of the next day, there is a whole new crop of them glaring at me...... sigh. I know it will be worth it in the long run but....
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Post Date: 3/25/10 4:49 pm
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It is better to be thin and bald than fat with nice hair
It's not working!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Topic: Post-op - what is the one thing that was harder than you thought it was going to be?
Post Date: 4/2/10 4:16 pm
And what was the one thing you thought was going to be difficult and wasn't?
For me, the answer to both question is around water. The thing I thought I would have the most difficulty with was not drinking with meals. From someone who could easily down 3 large diet pepsi's with a meal, I couldn't imagine in a million years not driniking. I have actually found it not difficult at all, strongly feel it is one of the important tools for success and even mention it to people who haven't had surgery, that you stay fuller longer and therefore takes longer to get hungry. Someone mentioned a while back about a study that showed that when you don't drink when eating, food stays in your stomach for up to an hour and a half longer.
The thing that has proven to be difficult that I didn't anticipate is getting all my water in. At four and a half months out, I still struggle daily. There just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day with waiting for the before and after meals part. I often just have 3 meals and no snacks because it would interrupt my getting water in. In the beginning, I couldn't drink plain water so had to do crystal light. Now I can drink it plain which I am very happy about. I think part of the problem is that I get distracted and forget to drink because mostly my body doesn't signal me that I am thirsty - so it's a very forced effort. Before surgery, I was always thirsty. I keep trying new strategies because I know it is important but it is a daily struggle. I try to drink one glass as soon as I get out of bed, then get ready for work, but if I take my morning medication to soon after the water, I get nauseated.
What about you?
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Topic: One-one-one-one-onederland!!!!!!!!
Post Date: 4/6/10 3:37 am
I thought this day would never come and I couldn't imagine what it would feel like to actually get to this magic number. I have to say it is a little surreal (so early in the morning), I keep shaking my head in disbelief.
I've been a relatively slow loser compared to some, 53 pounds since surgery in just under 5 months but this was one of the most significant mini-goals. I haven't been this side of 200 in a long, long time.
Anyway I'm thrilled to bits and just had to share.
Let me take this opportunity to thank all of you on OH for your support over the past year. It made this journey so much easier to have all of you amazing people with me.
Have a great day, I know I will!
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The topic is Toppik
Post Date: 4/18/10 8:21 am
Just wanted to let you guys know about a wonderful product (that even Dr Oz talked about on his show). It's called Toppik and it is sort of like a microfibre that you sprinkle on your head wherever you have scalp showing. It clings to your hair and really works at filling in the gaps. I feel so much better about how I look after using this.
It comes in 8 shades, if one of them does not match your hair, you can buy 2 different colours to combine. It is not cheap, it ranges in price from $27 to $89 depending on size, you probably don't need the giant size one, your hair will have grown back before you can use it all. I got the large economy size for $49, suppose to last 75 days. There are products they sell to spray on your hair before and after but I don't think they are necessary, seems to work fine and stay on without it.
You may be able to get it cheaper on eBay or somewhere in the states. I bought it from a Canadian site www.fabove.ca.
I highly recommend it.
I've also bought a scalp colouring product from the Shopping Channel, it was cheap and worked to tone down the contrast between hair and scalp but I would definitely go with Toppik if you can afford it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________
Topic: I would no longer qualify for surgery - and other observations - long
Post Date: 4/30/10 4:35 pm
At five and a half months, my BMI is now under 35 so I would no longer qualify for surgery! Nice feeling...
Some other things that brought nice feelings, I had to travel for work earlier this week which involved flying. It was so different to not have to worry about fitting in seats or making my way down aisles.
I'm presenting a whole slew of seminars for the next month or so, travelling all over Ontario, it is a weird feeling being in front of a crowd and feeling like they were listening to what I had to say and not seeing me as "a fat person" first, that my appearance didn't factor into it.
I was worried about travelling and managing my eating but it's going well. It was a little trickier when I was flying, but when I'm travelling by car, I bring my food along with me for the most part. I always make sure I have some ready protein - a little can of flavoured tuna fits into your purse nicely. I did find I tended to graze more rather than eating set meals which of course led to my not drinking enough. That continues to be my biggest challenge and the busier and more distracted I am, the worse it gets. I keep losing weight though so I'm not overeating.
I'm thrilled to death that I found a product that hides my thinning scalp, I feel so much better being out in public. I highly recommend it - Toppik. I've posted about it on a few threads.
I have been extremely fortunate up until now, I have hardly had to buy any clothes thanks to many generous people. I made my first scary trip into a "regular" store yesterday. I chose Reitmans as a safe place to start since it has both plus and regular size. As I was looking through the regular size racks, I felt like a fraud, like I didn't belong, that someone would come up to me and say "what are you doing here", I know that many of you have experienced the same thing.
I am basically in a size 16 or XL, so I picked up some XLs in the regular racks and went to my comfy zone and picked up some 16's from the plus section. I was worried about feeling foolish if nothing fit so hedged my bets by trying on both. The 16 plus were too big, the XLs fit. It feels so bizarre, hard to get my head around. My memory doesn't go back far enough to remember shopping in regular sizes.
Since I hit onederland, I find I'm a lot less focussed on how much the scale goes down. Eating in general isn't a problem, I don't find myself battling to resist eating what I shouldn't or resenting not being able to eat it. I am concerned that this is mostly to do with the decreased appetite because of the lack of ghrelin with the sleeve and that once the levels starts to increase at the 12 month mark, my appetite will return and it will be so much harder to eat properly. I guess I'll deal with that when it happens.
And yes, I can actually cross my legs....
Have a nice weekend everyone!
The latest picture of me, taken about a month ago for the play.
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Topic: 6 months since surgery - a lifetime's worth of change! Post Date: 5/12/10 8:45 pm
Last Edit: 5/12/10 9:33 pm
I did post an update not too long ago but wanted to reflect it in pictures as well.
I started my weight loss journey about 6 years ago when I managed to take off and keep off 50 pounds. I lost 33 pounds in the 2 months before surgery and 62 since surgery for a grand total of 145 pounds. I've lost a whole person - and not a skinny one either!
I can't express in words how good I feel right now about myself. Even if I never lost another pound, I could live in this body and be happy. The weight seems to be coming off pretty steadily right now so I don't think I'll be stopping any time soon. I may have to adjust my goal, it's only 23 pounds away but I'll have to work on getting my head around thinking of myself at a lower weight. It is surreal to say the least.
It isn't that my life is perfect or that I have a handle on everything, it is more that my mind is open to possibilities. The negative message - good things are never going to happen so what's the point in dreaming - is slowly fading. I have so much more confidence in my ability to take control of my future. I have choices!!
I still have things I need to work on - like exercising. It is a major mental block for me. It was very reassuring to talk to Jennie the other night, she said she didn't really start exercising until 9 months out- and look at her now - soon to be fitness instructor no less!
Water continues to be a struggle particularly when I am busy - I simply forget! It is continuous self-talk to remind myself and doesn't seem to ever become an automatic habit. There could be many worse things to struggle with so I'll live with it.
This forum has meant so much to me. I have met - either virtually or in person - some of the nicest people in the world. Your continued support, compassion and understanding has meant the world to me. I probably spend a little too much time on here but it is so much more enjoyable than housework!
For those of you waiting for your day to come, I know it can feel so agonizing to be in limbo, but it will happen for you and the time you spend waiting does really help the process of preparing yourself mentally for this enormous change you are going to experience. I know - it still sucks to wait!
Six months seems like a drop in the bucket of time - but what a big splash it has made!
7 years ago
Start of Optifast September/09
2 months out 3.3 months
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Topic: Stress and weight loss
Post Date: 5/24/10 8:25 am
I posted yesterday about the fact that I am losing weight in a more consistent fashion now than I did in the months after surgery and how odd
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About Me
Ottawa,
Location
29.1
BMI
Surgery
11/12/2009
Surgery Date
Feb 20, 2009
Member Since
