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 January 25, 2012

Its been over 2 yrs since I have posted on here. I had my 5 year anniversary Nov 2011. I can't believe it!  I am going to Columbus today to see the fabulous Dr Tom. He has moved around since leaving Florence and I just haven't had time to go. I decided that it is time. I think I am doing o.k. I've gained 20 pounds over 2 years. I'm back to 134-135 pounds. I HATE it!  Nothing fits. I HATE to shop... Again. I can't completely figure out what has happened. Here is what has changed that may have caused weight gain:  I had uterine ablation 2 years ago. I was put on Lexipro (I took myself off -not worth weight gain). I drink more wine than I did in the beginning. I also started drinking more Coke Zero. After my band, I could NOT drink pop but can now. I thought that because it was zero calories, it was ok. I'm thinking it could be a factor. I have horrible reflux and find myself eating things with higher calories because it sooths my stomach--- yes, I'm talking about ice cream or smoothies. Bottom line, the band DOES work. I have gained 20 pounds. It's not because my band is failing. So much of what made me a success at weight loss are the things I have stopped doing. Obviously, I'm still on top of this. It will be this way forever!!  I'm hoping the good doctor will adjust my band and help my tool to work better again. I think I need to get back to journaling. I need to go back to the basics. 20 pounds?  Size 6?  You may think "GIVE ME A BREAK!". It's a big deal to me!!  I didn't have much to lose to begin with. Think of my gain this way... If you gained 1/4 of your weight back, would it be a big deal??  Of course!!  I know what to do. I know how to do it. Know to just get it done!!

11/20/09

Today is my 3 year bandiversary.  Wow!!  Its a great time to reflect.  3 years ago, I weighed 193 pounds.  I wore a size 18 and XL (some XXL) tops.  I was miserable, unhappy and wanted to hide from the world.  I never looked at myself.  I didn't want pictures taken of me.  I felt terrible about myself and shut myself off from friends.  I have 3 kids and I was afraid they were embarrassed by me.  My beautiful sisters, niece and sister in law had WLS and I was watching them transform their bodies and soul.  I wanted what they had so badly...not jealousy....ENVY.  I was able to do it too!  It has NOT been easy.  I struggle almost every single day...STILL.  It got easier but never easy.  I continue to want to over eat.  I continue to want to eat bad foods.  I continue to be critical of myself.  I know that I have come a long way.  This journey will NEVER be over.  I have exceeded my weight loss goal of 120-125 pounds by weighing 116 but I am not finished.  Sure, I am finished losing weight...  I am not finished in controlling my weight.  I never will be.  This is acceptance.  Weight loss and eating right is a life long commitment.  I used to just want to get to the finish line...  I don't think that Finish line exists.  Once I realized this and accepted it, it got easier somehow. 
I looked over my original goals...  and this is what I found:  
Get rid of back fat, Have visible collar bones
Comfortable wearing a tank
Wear bathing suit without fear
Cross my legs comfortably
Bend over and time my shoes
Walk steps without being winded
Flip on the trampoline
Do a cartwheel
Take a family picture
Have my husband pick me up without grunting
See people from high school and not hide
Take a bubble bath

These goals seem so simple now.  I just wanted to be NORMAL.  I realize that these were not earth shattering goals but things that I was not able to do...things I wouldn't DREAM of doing.  Needless to say, these goals have been met.  I am now setting new goals for myself.  Its amazing to me how we can take such simple things for granted when we have them and can do them but these simple things are HUGE when you can't.   

Whether you are just beginning, in the middle or maintaining....  You can do it!!  You really can!  Take it one day at a time.  Heck, sometimes it is one minute at a time...  Everyone CAN be successful at this.  I'm living proof.  Good luck!!

 10/15/09

Hey everyone!!  It has been months since I posted an update on here.  I have been such a slacker.  So...what's going on?
Well, my daughter is turning 4 on Saturday.  I cannot believe it!!  Where is the time going?  

My weight is stable.  I am staying between 115-116 pounds.  I still have plenty of restriction and I am doing well.  I do not exercise like I should but to make the common excuse...I seriously have not had any time.  I really really need to find the time and when I do...I will work out more.  I hate it sooooo.  I don't eat as great as I should either.  I am working on this because I know that it will catch up me before I know it.  I have been very LUCKY that I am not gaining.  The thing is...I have good eating days and bad eating days.  My bad eating days just consist of eating a bowl of ice-cream.  Looking back to old posts and that is always my biggest weakness.  I know this.  Food choices aren't that terrible...

I also am still struggling with acid reflux.  I'm taking Prilosec and Tums to control it but it is getting worse.  I don't even want to think of getting the band loosened...so, I am living with it for now.

I am still wearing a size 2 and smalls.  I do have a size 1 pair of jeans that fit pretty darn well.  It is still amazing to me.  I love when ppl tell me, I never even realized that you were "that big".  I guess I have finally reached the point where people don't remember what I used to look like.  I think that is a good thing.  It is now just natural.  No more...OMG you have lost weight...or OMG you are too skinny....  I thought I would miss the praise at some point but I honestly don't.  I'm just coming into my own and now I am just MIMI.  I look and feel like I should.  It feels pretty damn good!!

Am I happy?  I am happy that I have been successful in weight loss.  However, it does not necessarily bring me "happiness".  That has to come from something other than just losing weight.  If you rely on that....it won't work.  Happiness comes from within and I am still working on that!  Good luck to all of you out there...

 7/24/09

Ok...Lets see what has been going on...  I haven't posted in over a month.  That is unusual for me.  I guess when we get to a maintaining status, there isn't much to say.  My husband had a total hip replacement on June 29th.  He is doing great!!  Its amazing that he is back to work, walking without support and taking physical therapy 2 times a week.  He is already looking towards reffing again.  I'm happy for him.  He has been so miserable for such a long time.
My work life is really busy and stressing me out.  I have been having trouble sleeping and eating and I know it is due to stress.  I have thrown up more this past month than I have in about a year.  Hopefully, it will settle down and I will feel better about things.  It has played a number on my weight too.  I had been hovering around 118-120 these past few months.  That was not pleasant for me because I had been 116 for almost a year.  I know...big freaking deal...its just a few pounds.  Well, those few pounds drove me nuts.  I was starting to feel better (mentally) about being 118 because lets face it...its pretty damn good!  Then all of this stress began to smother me and ...  I am now hitting 115.2.  These are numbers that I don't think I have ever hit.  I think that I hit in the 115s one time for like a day but never stayed there.  This is wild!!  So, what have I been doing? Since the stress causes my band to be very tight, I have been forced to eat slow, chew chew chew, eat smaller portions and I have been focusing on protein.  WAIT...that is what I was supposed to do anyway!!  DUH!!  Its good to know that 2 1/2 years after having this surgery, my tool still works perfectly.  I am a little bit surprised that it does.  I did not have a fill in 2008 at all and I had a tiny one in Feb this year.  So, it really does work when you hit that "sweet spot".  This is definately a surgery of patience and if you stay patient....it will come!

So, what are my goals now?  Plastics!!  I can't afford it but that is what I want next.  I bet I have 5 pounds of skin to remove.  Its just awful to still feel flabby and fat when I KNOW that I am not fat anymore.  The skin hinders my brain from moving forward.  Now I guess it is a vanity thing.  I deserve to look as good as I feel about this weight loss.  I have worked SO DAMN HARD!!  Who can afford this though?  Seriously, I just don't know how I am going to do it.  I guess the first step is making the appointment and seeing what payment options are available.  Don't know unless I try...right?  If it could be done, I would like to do it either at the end of this year or in January of next year.  We'll see I guess.  

6/1/09

June already?  Ok...what's going on?  My weight is sticking at 118 ish.  I can handle that.  My husband is supposed to have his hip replaced tomorrow but we'll see.  He has an infection so they may cancel it.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  He has been through so much to get here and it would be a shame to cancel it now.  My youngest son turned 6 on May 24th and we had a big birthday bash at Jump Zone yesterday.  20 kids showed up.  I was shocked that just about everyone that we invited came.  It was fun!  My oldest is working at the waterpark again this summer.  He will turn 16 on the 16th of this month.  He is itching to get his driving permit but his grades were not very good.  We'll just have to wait and see about that.  We're looking to take a family vacation this summer.  The last time we went on vacation as a family...I was very uncomfortable being in a bathingsuit.  We went to a waterpark and I got stuck in the the round raft and my son had to help me out.  It was humiliating and I wanted to just disappear.  I tried to act like it was no big deal because I wanted to have fun with my kids...or I should say, I wanted them to have fun with ME.  This time will be completely different.  I can't say that I am comfortable in a bathingsuit but it is far less painful than it used to be.  I'm pretty sure I won't get my fat butt stuck in a round tube this time. 

Next stop...plastics.  I know...I keep saying that.  Its just really scary and really expensive.  To think that I want to put myself through that pain is sort of crazy....but I want it pretty bad.  I've got to get my husband up and running with a new hip first and then I will make the appointment. 

5/12/09

May is here!  Weight is still hanging around 119-120.  I'm still not happy about it.  I got up yesterday morning at 5 AM and went to the YMCA and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes.  Last night, I went BACK to the YMCA and walked again on the treadmill for 40 minutes and then sat on the bike and rode for 20 minutes.  I am a little bit sore today but feel good.  I have been drinking my protein shakes the past 2 mornings.  I have cut down on the carbs.  I am eating my protein first AND drinking my water.  Its only 5 pounds..I know I can do this.  Lose the 5 pounds now so that it doesn't turn into 10-15-20-80 pounds.  I REFUSE to regain this weight.  I have worked WAY to hard to lose ever single pound and I will not gain it back!!  I know how to do this.  Eating crap will eventually catch up.  It has taken almost a year but it has begun to catch up.  What a wake up call that is!  I was "getting by" eating bad and not exercising.  Why?  Because I COULD.  Well, my body has told me that it remembers being fat and will go back there if I don't straighten up. 

So, I hear the calling and am going to get back on track.  This was a life changing surgery.  I changed my life but MAN, it is easy to go back to old habits.  I NEVER thought I would go back to those bad habits and I did.  I'll keep updating....
Heading to Michigan tomorrow for work.  I was in San Francisco last week.  Traveling and staying on track is difficult when you HAVE to eat out but it is not impossible.  It just means that I have to think a bit harder and choose wisely.  Its all good!!

4/29/09

Still staying at 120ish.  My husband actually had the nerve to ask me if I was 'working the program'.  I hit him has hard as I could. 
Man, it sucks when your own words come back to haunt ya.  I know....I am NOT following the program.  I'm not doing what I am supposed to be doing.  I have been trying though.  I have eaten all the ice-cream in the house so that is now gone.  I should be OK now!! 
On a serious note, we ALL know that 120 pounds is NOT bad.  I honestly can use to gain the few pounds which is the reason I gave myself the 5 pound cushion to begin with.  I always wanted to be at 120.  My doc said 125.  I stayed at 116 for a long time.  So, in all honesty, I could go as high as 125 and still be ok.  I just CHOOSE to stay around 120.  I am going to try to get back to where i was at 116.  That way, when I keep gaining and losing the same 4 pounds, I'm really not OVER my goal.  See how my brain works?  Its all ok and this is much more than the numbers on the scale.  My fears lie deeply in not wanting to gain it all back.  My doctor always told me that having a little bit of fear was a good thing.  I agree.  Having that fear makes me realize that I will NOT regain it.  I am already making steps to correct the bad eating habits.  Making good choices really isn't that hard.  I have been doing it for 2 1/2 years now.  Its just so easy to fall back into the bad habits.  When I was eating like I was supposed to, I stopped craving sweets.  I didn't want the ice-cream because I was satisfied with the food I was eating.  I obviously am not satisfied anymore and want bad stuff.  That is where the re-grouping begins.  I know the problem...now its time to FIX IT!  Like I have said a million times on here and will continue to say it because it drives me CRAZY  to hear ppl say that the "weight is gone forever".  I say... WAKE UP!!  The weight is never ever ever gone FOREVER.  A food addict is always a food addict and don't let anyone tell you differently.  Change your life...change the way to think and feel about food...be a little bit scared of it....and work the program...  There, I said it!  Ok...enough psyching myself up....I'M GOING TO DO IT!!!   Haven't y'all realized yet that this is a MIND game? 

4/27/09

Ok...this sucks!!  My month has been a good one.  I went to Vegas the first week of April and had an absolute BLAST!!  I can't wait to get back there.  Making good choices with food and alcohol was pretty tough and I would say that I would get about a "C" on the food and an "F" on the alcohol.  I came back dreading the results.  Surprisingly, I only gained a pound.  I guess all of the walking helped.  However, I am making up for it now.  I am at 121 today.  Yep...that is 5 pounds GAINED since the beginning of the month.  What's worse is that I tried to wear pants this morning that I wore last summer and could not get them on.  I can't remember if they were tight last year...I can't imagine that 5 pounds would cause that but it was quite disturbing.  Maybe the fat around my stomach has shifted and that is the reason.  Too bad it won't shift to my butt so that I don't look like a board from the back.  My goal has always been to be under 120 pounds.  I was staying between 116-118, which is PERFECT for me.  Looks like I need to get back on track and follow the bandster rules!!  I'm not totally freaking out... YET!  However, if the weight keeps going up, I will then begin to panic.  All I need to do is follow the rules....I can do that.... right? 
I'm going to San Francisco next week (May 4th) and Michigan May 14th.  My husband is getting his hip replaced around May 19th.  So, May is going to be busy busy busy!  With the weather starting to get nice I will get out and walk again.  That will help to lose those 5 pounds!
I mention these things because for most people...5 pounds is NOTHING to worry about.  For those of us that live in fear of gaining this back and re-living old habits... 5 pounds is HUGE.  Is it out of control?   No..of course not.  Should I be concerned?  Yes!  I know what I am doing wrong though so that is good.  If I struggle, I will go see the good doctor and get a fill.  Easy as that!!

3/31/09

Ok....this month has gotten away from me.  Nothing new (weight wise) is going on.  My weight is still staying stable between 116-118.  My kitchen is finally done!!  My 2nd oldest son turned 13 on March 12th.  I'm going to Vegas on Saturday (4/4).  I will be speaking at a National Convention on April 6th...lots of prayers would be helpful.  It is going to be fun and informative.  I am excited!!  I hope it is WARM!!  I am so sick of the Kentucky weather right now.  One day, it is 70 and the next day it is 30....  What the heck?  I bought a bathingsuit over the weekend.   You know, it still is not a pleasant adventure.  It is still difficult for me to shop.  I now need to make sure that lose skin isn't showing or looking gross.  I know that some of your are going to say.... Boo Hoo..... but it is still hard finding clothes that fit.  When I was heavy, I had a hard time finding clothes.  Now that I am smaller, I STILL have trouble.  It is frustrating.  I am only 5'3" so everything is way to long... and now that I wear a size 2 in most things, there are some stores that I cannot find that size....  Go ahead... Boo Hoo...   :)  Seriously though....  I am 41 years old...I don't want to shop in the Juniors section.  I don't want to be that person that tries to hard to look to young.  It is definately a fine line...  Ok...I probably won't check back in before Vegas.  Wish me luck!!  Here is something to ponder....  Vegas Buffets... how is THAT going to work? 

3/7/09

Weight is still holding at around 116ish.  My doctor is leaving...which totally sucks.  Good thing that Georgetown isn't that far away.  We are re-modeling my kitchen which is coming along.  I am going to Vegas next month for work...looking forward to that.  I really wish I could find the time and money to re-model my body.  I just have to be patient I guess. 
My last fill is working.  That tiny .1 cc is doing its job.  I remember that I HAVE a band again, which is also good.  I swear, I keep reading about ppl failing with the band and I am baffled...how in the world can you eat through this thing.  I certainly can't...without puking my guts up.  Oh well, everyone is different I suppose. 

2/18/09

Last week (2.12), I saw Dr. Tom.  I got a .1cc fill.  It was a tiny fill but I can feel it.  It was Sept 07 the last time I had a fill so it was weird following the full liquid diet and then pureed for a couple of days.  I made it though.  I thought I would drop weight by eating that way and I didn't.  Its ok but strange.  I'm eating well right now.  I have been bringing my lunch and trying not to eat out as much.  Again...just maintaining.  I am at 118 pounds today. 

2/11/09

Has it really been more than a month since I updated this thing?  What the heck?  Here goes...

I turned 41 on 1/24....however, I like to think of it as my 3rd anniversary of turning 39.  Age bothers me...I don't know why.  Maybe because I don't feel 41....maybe it is because life is passing me by so quickly.  My kids are getting big and I am getting old.  I know...not a very good attitude.  Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I felt like I was living life to the fullest.  Instead, I do nothing.  Who's fault is that?  I suppose it is my own.  We are a busy family and my husband is a busy guy.  We have so little time when we are all together.  I don't particularly want to do things without my husband but I guess that is what is going to have to start happening.  Perhaps it is just that it is blah weather and I feel trapped in the house.  I HATE the winter and want to be outside or on the beach somewhere.  Spring Fever much? 

I was looking at my weights and measurements journal last night and found that I have not updated that since September.  I weighed 116 pounds then.  Today, I weighed 118.6.  I was up to 120 earlier this week but pretty much still hover around 117-118.  Its pretty good considering that I have not been very good with food choices, vitamin taking or really following the band rules.  I have GOT to get back on track with this and there is no reason why I have not done it yet.  Lazy I guess.  I eat what I want and when I want it....and that is how I got to be obese.  I know this!!  Everyone knows this!!  I got the band because I had trouble with my portions and over eating.  The band has restricted that behavior.  So, I have begun to eat ice-cream more often.  Why?  There are many reasons but one that I swear is the truth....  ready?...   I have horrible heart burn and reflux.  When I remember to take my medicine it is under control.  Ice-cream sooths my burning stomach....I swear, it is the truth!!  Am I going to sit here and say that I use Ice-cream for medicinal purposes... NO!  But it does help  :)  I'm cutting it back.... really I am. 

Tomorrow, I see Dr. Tom.  I will beg and pead for a fill.  I have not had one since Sept 07.  Yes, I made it through all of 2008 without a fill.  I still have restriction and I am not trying to lose weight.  I just think I need that reminder back that helps me to stop...push away from the food....and stay within portions.  Maintenance....its hard.  I found out last month that Dr. Tom is leaving Northern KY.  He is moving to only an hour away from me and I will make the trip.  I think I have out of network benefits and will have to pay more....but it is worth it to me.  I just feel really betrayed....not by the doctor....but by the hospital.  If only they understood what this man means to so many people...how he has given us a life again....how we vowed to be in his life for the rest of our lives....and they didn't take better care of him.  It is wrong and hurtful.  I sat in his office on that first consultation and he looked me in the eye and asked me to promise to follow up with him and to know that we would be in a partnership...and I did that.  St. Luke should be ashamed of themselves for letting this happen...it is sickening to me!!  Oh well, I will drive to Georgetown and I will keep up my end of the bargain because this doesn't end when you reach your weight goal!!

1/10/09

I cannot believe how fast this year has gone by.  Its crazy!  2008 was a pretty good year for me and I hope that 2009 will be good too.  It is not starting out very well.  I am really stressed out about my job this year.  Alot of changes are going on and it is possible that I may not have a job once some decisions are made.  That is really scary.  I'm sure that I will be able to get another job but I have been with this company going on 9 years.  So...it is a bit stressful.  I have to say, I never considered myself to be an emotional eater.  If anything, I would lose weight when I was upset because my stomach would be all in knots.  When we received the news about our company, I found myself with a carton of ice-cream and I was eating it right out of it.  I'm lucky that I grabbed a spoon.  :)  Not good.  Luckily, I didn't eat that much...the point is, I was doing it.  Another thing that I have noticed lately is a HUGE sweet tooth.  I never really had a sweet tooth prior to surgery.  I would rather eat the salty snacks, cheese balls, chips and dip kind of appetizers than cup cakes and cookies.  I now crave sweets.  I don't always give in to the cravings.  Most of the time...I don't.  I am still pretty compliant with my diet but less than I used to be.  This brings up another issue...the less and less we become complacent in this diet and stop respecting the tool we have, is that when the weight comes back?  So far, I am ok.  I stay below 120 pounds and I watch my weight closely.  My doctor and his staff would frown at me if they knew I still weigh everyday.  I have said this over and over again in my blogs....the scale keeps me on track.  Do I adjust my behavior based on the scale?  Honestly, sometimes I do.  If the numbers are low...I don't watch what I eat as close.  If the numbers are higher than I want, I follow the rules.  Is that a bad thing?  I personally don't think it is!!  However, my doctor and the nut would argue that I should not let the numbers rule my behavior and if I was compliant all the time, I wouldn't have to weigh daily and worry about what I am going to see there.  So....who is right?  My weight is about 5 pounds below what my doctor would like to see.  It is 5 pounds below my goal weight.  Why?  Because I feel that I have 5 pounds to play with.  This way, if I gain 5-10 pounds back...not a big deal.  If I was exactly at goal and gained 10 pounds, I would be FREAKED out.  So...the mind games continue.  Surgery does NOT fix your head. I am very in touch with myself and what I am doing...control...Fear.  A little bit of fear is a good thing, as my wise surgeon told me once.  I agree.  Obsession, is not good.  I am no longer obsessed with the scale.  I am no longer obsessed with the numbers like I used to be.  But I am still afraid...afraid to go back.