misha
I am a 41 year old mother of 2 who has been overweight for as long as I can remember. I was a 10 pound baby, and it has only gone up from there! I had heard about surgery in the past and was afraid to even look into it. However, after finding out that one of my coworkers and my best friends father had surgery, I decided to do some research. After coming to this site, I have gotten a glimmer of hope that even I can lose weight and become healthy.
2-28-03
I went to my PCP today, armed with my diets, and ready to plead my case for WLS. He glanced at my diets, figured up my BMI on his calculator, asked me who I had in mind for my surgeon, and agreed to refer me! Yeah!
3-3-03
Went and had a pulmonary function test today, the test where you blow into a tube connected to a device that measures lung function. I expected to do very badly, but the tech told me that it looked like my function was normal. Whew!
3-14-03
My PCP has scheduled a pre op evaluation with a cardiologist for 3-20-03. My classes are scheduled for 4-7-03. Hoping for a quick date for a consultation, but since it took 4 months to get to this point, I will not hold out much hope. I had also hoped for a surgery date during the summer, guess I'll see what happens.
3-20-03
Met with Dr. Taylor today, armed with my chest x ray. I silently prayed all day long that my on and off 15 year relationship with cigarettes wasn't going to show up on those films. Thankfully, it didn't. I am going out tomorrow, buying inhalers and slam dunking the rest of these cigarettes in the trash! During the exam, he began asking me about sleep apnea. My PCP told me that he didn't think I had it, and was reluctant to schedule a sleep study for me. Not Dr. Taylor. He asked me some questions,looked in my throat, told me it was small and told me that he would schedule a sleep study. I'm glad because I had worries about going into this surgery without being diagnosed and treated for sleep apnea.
3-31-03
Well, I am still waiting for St. Francis Hospital to call me with a date for my sleep study. Dr. Taylors office faxed a request to them over a week ago and I haven't been called yet. I am not much for this "hurry up and wait" routine, but have tried very hard to be patient. I have been at this since January and still haven't gone to the mandatory class. Thankfully, that is scheduled for a week from today. Then perhaps, things will get moving from that point.
4-7-03
I got my letter from the hospital scheduling my sleep study, May 7, 8pm. I will fill out the paperwork later, I am a bit nervous about going to the support group tonight.
4-8-03
I went to the support group/education session last night. Most of the information was what I have already read, thanks to this site. The good thing about the support group was that I was able to see and speak to post ops. I got some phone numbers, some email addresses, it was a pretty good time.
I also got a date for consultation. Interestingly enough, I called the office and got a May 20th date. My PCP's office called too unbeknownst to me and left me a message on my machine with a May 1st date....I'll take it!
5-1-03
Had my consultation with Dr. Marshall. Thanks to this site, I was armed with 2 pages worth of questions! He answered my questions, cracked a few jokes, it went okay. He told me all the risks, he told me all the benefits, I felt comfortable with him, I felt confident in his skill.
Now the wait begins for insurance approval!
5-8-03
I had my sleep study last night, and I must say, it was a unique experience! I was very suprised when I saw the sleep clinic and was shown to my room. It was very nice, and very cozy. I got there a little before 8pm and noticed that there were no clocks in the room. So after that point, I had no sense of time. They put on a video that explained sleep apnea and CPAP treatment, very informative. After that, the technologist came in and told me that it was time to get ready for bed. I quickly put on my pajamas and started watching TV.
After an hour or so, they came in and began the huge task of hooking me up....ah yes, the dreaded wires and electrodes! After having so many of them, all around my face, my head, chest, legs, and arms, I thought, how on earth am I gonna ever sleep with all this stuff? Humph, as soon as the lights went out, so did I!
During the night, I was awakened at least 4 times, wires came loose, they saw me flailing and ran in to help me (I was still asleep and never realized I was doing that) then they came in and told me that I had to put on the CPAP, so at that point I realized that I must have had episodes of not breathing during the night. I was pretty suprised by that, but was even more suprised by the contraption that I was expected to add to the already awkward wires and such. They had shown me the masks before the test began, but I didn't take it seriously because I was so sure that I wouldn't have to wear one. I was wrong!
So back to sleep I went. I only woke up twice more after that, once when the mask slipped off, and once when the tech came in and told me that I had been opening my mouth during sleep and she needed to add a chin strap to mask. It amazed me how I kept falling right back asleep every single time. I just knew that I would wake up once and wouldn't be able to go back to sleep for the rest of the night!
I was awakened and told that they had enough information to let me go. It was daylight and I could not believe how rested and alert I felt! I went through my entire day without feeling tired, or grumpy. I truly believe that the CPAP helped me! That contraption is definitely growing on me! LOL
Now I wait for the follow up with Dr. Taylor and a prescription for a CPAP of my own.
5-16-03
I have been approved!!!! My letter came today! Now it's real. Now I wait for the psych evaluation and all that.
5-27-03
I got my date for psych evaluation!!!! It's 6-26-03, and I am so ready for this. Maybe I can get a July surgery date after all!!!
5-28
I got a call from Dr. Taylor's office saying that they had gotten my sleep study results, and that I had to be fitted for CPAP right away. I told them I had a June appointment, the reply was, we want you to come in tomorrow, ooookkkkaaayyy.
5-29-03
Well, I got to Dr. Taylor's office and was promptly shown my CPAP machine and coached on how to put it together and take it apart, fun...LOL I also got an assortment of masks to try over the next week, until my follow up appointment on June 5. Wearing the mask is an adventure, but I don't think my child is ever going to climb into bed with me during the night again!
6-26-03
My psych evaluation wasn't as bad as I expected...thank God! After a few questions about current events and repeating some number sequences, Dr decided I was sane enough for surgery, whew!
7-18-03
Finally got that call! I absentmindedly checked my home voicemail. Learned to do that on a Friday afternoon just in case I needed to return a call before the close of business...thank goodness I did! As soon as I heard, this is Dr. Marshall's office, I quickly called the office and heard music to my ears! My surgery date is September 12, 2003!
8-24-03
Whew, 3 weeks to go! I have been doing all I can to prepare for this event, and wow, so much to do! I put in my notice at work and have had to endure the hostility of my co workers, because of the length of my medical leave cramping their vacation plans. It's okay for me to cover their months off, but they aren't as giving when the tables are turned. They will get over it.
9-5-03
AAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!! I got a voicemail saying that my surgery date has been changed! Talk about a let down! Well, I am now scheduled for surgery on September 26, 2 weeks after my original beautiful date, September 12. *sigh*
The good news is that my pre op tests were great, no problems, and even though I gained 15 pounds after quitting smoking, pushing me over the BMI limit for lap surgery, Dr. Marshall told me that he was going to try lap surgery, letting me also know that I could end up converted to open surgery. Even though I was mad about losing my date, I have gotten my enthusiasm back once again!
11-10-03
Well, well, well, it's been a good while since I posted! I am now a happy post op, and the ride has been an adventure! Don't have time to go into detail now, but just wanted to let everyone know that I am alive and well.
1/4/04
Happy New Year everyone! Well, as promised, I am back to give you the dirty details of my surgery and recovery thus far. Where do I begin??? Well, my surgery was on 9/26/03. My surgeon was J. Stephen Marshall, at OSF.
I had every confidence in Dr. Marshall, but needless to say, I was very nervous. My mentor, Cecilia was with me all the way, thank God. And my sweetie was with me, even though he was against me doing this.
My surgery was set for 9am, and I was expected there at 730, so I did alot of waiting, or maybe it just seemed that way! Even though I was nervous, as time went by, I got strangely calm. This may sound crazy, but I had made up my mind that I was either going to wake up or see the face of God if I didn't and either of those options didn't seem to bad!
Anyway, I was finally taken back to surgery to prepare. Put on the lovely gown and slippers and waited in the surgical prep area getting my IV's and what not. When they came to wheel me to surgery, I said my goodbyes to Cecilia and sweetie and off I went.
The staff in the OR was wonderful. They made me feel at ease, by the time dr. marshall got there to start my surgery everyone in the room was laughing hysterically! I told the anesthesiologists in case I didn't survive, please tell my family that I went to sleep laughing.
Next thing I know, I woke up being wheeled into my room, Cecilia grinning at me, and me, remembering the joke i fell asleep to giggling uncontrollably, until I got a jab of pain and remembered why I was there! LOL The next thing I did was yank my gown up to see if I had indeed had Laproscopic surgery. I saw the telltale 5 little rows of steri strips, and smiled.
I don't remember much of those first days, I remember Cecilia hitting the morphine button for me a few times, my boyfriend hitting the button a few times, and alot of gas! LOL Needless to say I took many walks while I was in the hospital, my boyfriend came to see me 3 times a day just so he could walk with me,what a sweetheart....That first walk was no picnic, but each time it got easier and easier. Plus knowing it was something I had to do, I just pushed the button and got on with it!
The nurses and techs were wonderful, I could not have asked for better care. They were kind, respectful, and so attentive. I am very thankful to them.
My first meal, chicken broth and cranberry juice. Delicious! I ate about 2 teaspoons of broth and one sip of juice. I started feeling a little weird after the juice and read the label. It had sugar in it!!!! I was horrified, until one of the nurses told me that a tiny bit of sugar was needed to help get my blood sugar levels back to the normal range. I was switched to liquid Lortab when I began eating, and a word to the wise, when you are given the pain medication, drink it down as quickly as possible. I sipped on it and had horrendous pain! I finally called my nurse crying like a baby. She came in, saw my 2/3 cupful of pain med and said, "Good lord girl! No wonder you are hurting!!!" I drank the rest of it down, and thank goodness it relieved my pain. By the time I went home the next day, I felt a bit sore, but pretty much okay.
My boyfriend stayed with me for over a month to make sure I was eating, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of my daughter, he was wonderful. However, I live with my father and sister, both disabled, and he made it his business to make my sweeties life a living hell....*sigh* he resented him being there, however, he could not help me in any way, so what was the problem? Who knows. I am just glad that we both got through the experience.
1-20-04
I am at almost 4 months post op and have lost 80 pounds! Whoopeeee!!! I have been working out religiously at the gym and at home with my trusty Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds for the Abs, 3 mile workout at least 5 times a week. And I have begun lifting light weights, because I want to tone up the chicken wings as much as I possibly can!
My eating has been an adventure, learning what I can and cannot tolerate....last night, I got an extremely rude awakening after eating 1 ounce of Cheez-Its...it was ugly, and I was at work. Horrible cramps, diahrea, more cramps, sweating, light headedness, it was terrible! I came home and collapsed into bed. Needless to say, no more Cheez-Its, ever again!!!!
For the most part, what I eat is steak with sauteed onions, green peppers and mushrooms, crab legs, and tuna fish. Those three things I know i can eat, everything else is trial and error. I eat around 4 ounces at a time, unless it is solid protein, then it's between 2 and 3 ounces.
I cannot find a protein drink that I can stand, and was able to drink milk as a new post op. However, the last two times I've tried it with some SF Carnation Instant Breakfast, cramps, and diahrea, so that's out. I just try to get in that can of tuna a day, it usually takes me 2 or 3 meals, but its close to a days worth of protein.
Since surgery, I have dropped from a 5x, 28-30 to a 1x 18-20! I am so excited and cannot wait to see where I end up weight wise. I was never given a goal weight, I know that for my height, 160 is supposed to be my weight, but after having a bod pod, I found out that I have 187 pounds of lean body mass, so....i don't think that 160 is in the cards for me. I am five feet ten inches, so I don't think it will be a problem.
2-25-04
Wow! I went shopping last week and can really see a difference in my body!!! Woo hoo!
Over the last few weeks, I have finally started noticing changes in my body, in my thinking and in my focus. Now I don't want to sit around at home. I don't think about food, and eating. When I get upset, or bored, or lonely, I don't eat any more. I want to be around people and cultivate new friendships with people that are positive and want the same things I do. I love exercising! My goodness, this is so different than the way I used to live, I love it!
Alas, my boyfriend left me last week....*sigh* And I really thought we wouldn't become a statistic, but what can I say? His last words to me the day he decided to break up was..."Well, I guess you are gonna get wild now that you've lost weight!" Puhleeeeze, my wildest days were my fattest days! My life is changing for the better! No more overcompensating for lonliness and the lack of self esteem I used to have! The next man in my life will recognize the treasure he has!
About a month ago, I started taking belly dancing lessons, and I absolutely love it! What a boost to the self esteem! I used to not feel feminine when i was at my largest, but let me tell you, there is no way you can belly dance and not feel all woman! It is a celebration of femininity that is also an excellent workout! Try it ladies, you will not be dissappointed!
I am so thrilled, I am down to 262 pounds from 358, and my surgery was almost 5 months ago! I am doing things now that I never would have dreamed of doing 6 months ago. My BMI is down to 37.6, still high, but wow, it started out at over 50! Having this surgery is one of the best things I have ever done.
3/12/04
Yipeee! I am now down to 256, hello century club!!!!
3/19/04
I had my 6 month follow up and Dr. Marshall told me that besides being low in iron (anemic as a preop) that everything else was fine. Yay!!! I was very concerned about vitamin deficiency and am so relieved that my levels were all normal.
I am going through the weirdest thing with clothing sizes. I have measured my body countless times, and have chosen sizes with that in mind, only to have somethings be too large, or too small. I am guessing that every manufacturer sizes their clothing differently, but am really hoping to settle into a size!
Incidently, I have gained a few pounds, had gotten all the way down to 256, but alas, am hovering around the 265 mark...*sigh* because I quit smoking, yes again. I had stopped before surgery, and started again about a month ago. Thank God I didn't let it go on too long! But in the meantime, I am shelling and eating peanuts like crazy! LOL
Also, my boyfriend has decided to come back, and who knows, I just may let him...
4-3-04
Well, I went shopping today to figure out exactly what size I wear, and that was so much fun! I put on a pair of size 18 jeans, and a size 16 top. My goodness, look at me!
4-20-04
Hallelujah, my weight is going down again!!!! I have been working out like crazy, I bought this program called Slim In 6 that consists of 6 workout videos and some booklets that speak on weight loss...I don't do any of the diet things, I just do the workouts, and boy do I see a difference in my body!!! Everything is lifting up! My butt, my legs, my stomach, my arms....whoa! I alternate those workouts with the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds 4 mile express, and I love the way I feel, I love the way I can keep up with these workouts, it is the greatest thing. I thank God every day that I had this surgery. I am so grateful and blessed.
Well, I decided to not let my boyfriend come back. I have my reasons, but mainly because he is destructive to me, he used to put lit cigarettes up to my lips after I quit smoking the first time, he put sweet rolls up to my lips right after I came home from my surgery, he spoke to me like I was a child, he used to say ugly things to me, I decided that I wanted to go back to being the happy enthusiastic woman I was before he popped back up into my life, and now I am. I refuse to go back to where I was.
Enough about him! Back to me, me, meeeeee!!!!! LOL
I am going to Atlanta next month to see my oldest daughter graduate. I am so excited and happy for her, and I am looking forward to a much more comfortable plane ride, along with more comfortable walking around the city. The last time I went there I bought two seats on the plane, and walking was so painful, we went to the mall and I had to keep stopping and sitting down. It was not long after that I began looking into surgery. How suprised and pleased she will be when she sees me.
6-3-04
Well! I went to Atlanta recently, and was so thrilled when I sat down on the plane and had plenty of seat and seatbelt to spare! I saw my daughter graduate from Georgia State University! I sat in the bleachers and cried like a baby, I am so proud of my sweetums! She was so stunned when she saw me, she hadn't seen me since my surgery. It was so much fun to walk around and shop and see the sights, I didn't get tired at all!
I've lost a few more pounds, but for the most part, my weight is coming off very slowly, which is strange because my sizes have gone down, even though my weight is stalling. I went to walmart last friday and was able to fit a pair of 16w jeans, and a 12-14 top! Doggone it, it's time to start wearing skirts! woo hoo!
I've decided that it is time to kick up my exercise a notch, I've started doing Leslie's 4 mile challenge every morning, I step out of the office and take a lap around the campus at least once, but am aiming for twice during my shift. And I am comitting to practicing my dance drills every evening. Maybe that will get my weight loss started again.
At the 6 month mark, I had gotten very scared because it seemed that I could eat more than I used to, and thought that maybe this was the reason my weight loss stopped. But over the last week, I have found that my tummy capacity has gone back down again. Hey, I don't understand it, but I'm going to roll with it! I had gotten used to eating small amounts of food and I find it comforting somehow. I don't like the full feeling, and I usually eat until I feel not hungry. You know, the feeling that you get when you are starving, and you begin eating, then after a little, the hungry edge goes away? That's where I stop. And I don't get that over full feeling. I tried it with some chilli I made, just to see how much I ate before getting that feeling....it was at about half a cup. I have been tracking my calories on fitday and come out at a little under 1000 a day. I'm not sure if that is enough at 8 months out, but for now, I'm going to leave it alone.
7-6-04
Well, I'm down in the dumps. Why? Because it seems that no matter what I do, I can't lose weight! I lost my first hundred pounds within 6 months, and haven't been able to lose more than 15 pounds since then, I'm 9 months out now! ARRRGGGHHHH! And I am so afraid that my attitude is going to become "To hell with it, this is it" and stop making an effort to keep up my exercising and eating right, the usual thing that has happened to me every single time I've lost weight in the past.
I was so proud of myself. I had gotten down to 243 pounds. I had started walking to work (4 miles) and was about to try walking both ways, my clothing sizes were going down, I felt beautiful. Then Friday afternoon, 7-2-04 I got on the scale and it read 250! Talk about a meltdown! I stayed in my room, ate chips, didn't work out and cried almost the entire weekend. *sigh* Today, I have a doctors appointment, and I have to get on the scale again. Believe me I am thinkig very strongly about cancelling the appointment, because on his scale I always weigh more! I don't want him to see me back up at over 250.
Well....I went to that dreaded doctors appointment, and yes I weighed over 250...*sigh* but he told me that I am smaller than ever and that I must have been losing inches. That made me feel a little bit better, but my goodness when I look at others on this site that have lost so much more than me by a year out, it makes me feel so discouraged. Oh well...
10-29-04
I started going to the gym on a regular basis again and my weight loss has begun again, heck I have lost ten pounds! woo hoo!!! I began using the elliptical trainer. I can remember a few months ago getting on it during a session with a personal trainer. He only wanted for me to use it for 5 minutes to keep my heart rate up between weight training exersices. My God, I pooped out after about 2 minutes! There was no way I could ever get on that and stay on it for any length of time. I failed at that and that was that. Well, I tried it again after I saw a woman get on it that was bigger than my largest weight and she stayed on it for an hour! WOW!!!! I asked her how she does it and she told me that she worked up to it very slowly, pedalling slowly until she built up enough endurance to speed up. I began doing just that about a month ago. I can now stay on it at a fast pace for an hour, unbelievable! I put on a house music CD and start pedaling! The shape of my body is changing before my eyes!
Now if I could leave the Halloween candy alone...*sigh*
I volunteered to bring the treats for my daughter noodle's Halloween party, why oh why??? I got 4 bags of candy and of course I ate 3 of the hersheys with almonds before I pushed her and the candy out the door this morning! Ugh!!!
12-04-04
Well, I wanted to update my profile, even though I have been a bit down in the dumps about not losing any weight...*sigh* I have been thinking about this very hard. It seems that no matter how much exercise I'm getting, I have not lost another pound in the last six months! I am 14 months out and cannot seem to lose anymore weight, and I feel very sorry for myself for that. I exercise almost every single day. At least an hour on the eliptical trainer, the other day I did 4 mile walk away the pounds, then went to the gym and still did an hour on the eliptical! So why can I not get below 250? No, my eating is not strict. Sometimes I eat a few chips with my half sandwich. Every now and then, I have a bag of M&M's. But I don't abuse that. And I have to think long and hard about whether or not I want to even try to lose any more weight, or do I want to live this way, comfortable, yes, but still fat.
2-8-05
Well, here I am again!!! I haven't lost very much weight, but have continued to exercise and my sizes are going down like crazy, so I'm just going to keep doing this! Also, the choclate is gone, the nightly bag of popcorn is gone, and the occasional fried chicken is gone! I hope that my loss continues!
4-3-05
Well, here I am! I stopped eating carbs and my weight dropped to 237! However, I have been dabbling in them all weekend, and God only knows how much I weigh today!!! LOL
I have started working day shift so that has thrown my exercise routine for a loop. I haven't been consistent but am working on it. I am trying hard to not stress about any of this anymore. I know what I have to do and I am going to do it.
I am also making a real effort to build a social life, get out and do things and meet new people. I attended a dance performance on Friday night, and went out to visit some friends on Saturday night. I hope to do the same next weekend as well. God I can remember when I was afraid to go out for fear of ridicule!
On Wednesday, I met the brilliant and fine Senator Barack Obama! Oh my God I am sooooo star struck! He came to my workplace for a news conference, and I was able to speak to him alone. It was great, but I couldn't help think about how I could have never done that when I was a pre op. I would have hidden out, if I had been brave enough to even be in the building. Not feeling worthy of anything used to be my thought all the time. It has taken me a long time to feel worthy of being around people that I felt were smarter and more attractive than me.
4-18-05
Well, the carb monster is alive and well! LOL For I have been eating them with a vengence and my scale shows it for sure. I am back up to 241 and I tell ya, I never thought that this was going to be so difficult! Now that I am over 18 months out, I can tolerate almost everything, and I can eat larger amounts, whoo! I never realized that I loved carbs as much as I do, because I'm not that fond of bread, wrong! I love spaghetti, rice, biscuits,popcorn, sandwiches, pizza(lol),oh yeah, I love
carbs! So my goal is to stop eating so many of them, or stop eating some of them altogether. It will not be easy, but I know that my weight loss will not continue if I don't. The thought of that makes me sad, boy is that pitiful, like food is my best friend and I'm leaving it forever.
7-19-05
Well it sure has been a while! I haven't lost any more weight, and I'm bummed about it. I know I need an attitude adjustment, and had planned on waiting until I was feeling better about everything before posting, but I thought wait a minute, I need to journal all my feelings and not just the good ones!
It has been almost 2 years now and I am down to the last 50 pounds I want to lose (I want to lose more than that but I'd like see how I look before deciding to go farther) but it seems that I gain and lose the same 5 pounds. And it irritates me to no end!!! I am trying very hard to stay focused and remember that I have come a long way, but sometimes when I hear of others wearing size 10's, it makes me beat myself up something fierce.
I went to the gym the other day and peddaled on the elliptical for 2 hours! I kept it slow and easy but fast enough for me to be in my target heart range. It was great but did my legs ever feel stiff the next day! Whew!
8-21-05
Well....LOL
I have been introduced to the world of water aerobics! My friend has been trying to talk me into going with her for months, and my attitude is, "Water aerobics? That's wimp exercise!!!!!" I was wrong!!!!! I started classes on Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday. Wow is all I can say...because I can see the shape of my body changing again! Mind you, I will continue the maniac workouts I know and love, but I am no longer going to discount the power of water aerobics!!!
Now on to eating, *sigh*
Have you heard of eat to win? I eat to come in dead last! Geesh...it's like my old habits are beating on the door, and I am holding them back with everything but a few slip in through the cracks. I have been eating peanut butter cups and chips, and this weekend I made an effort to not do this. Much to my suprise, I actually felt fear from going cold turkey, and when my daughter began pushing my buttons as she always does, I quickly ran to the store and bought some of the offending foods and spent the rest of the evening eating and crying. Why do I do this to myself? Thank God I exercise the way I do or I would have gained every pound back by now! I get so depressed because after 2 years I still weigh 248 pounds. I always forget that I weighed 368 and that my weight loss is miraculous.....I look at myself in the mirror and I still see 368 pounds. I pray that I can overcome this, I pray that I will be able to enjoy the journey and stop consuming myself with the destination.
12-27-05
Happy Holidays!
My Christmas was pretty quiet, family came over for dinner and while there were trigger situations, I did not overeat...much....*sigh*
Today I am getting back on track, have hitched a ride on the protein train, and went to the gym for a good workout! I am going to try the Body for Life challenge and hope for the best. I am praying that I can lose the rest of this weight, I'm at 260 pounds as of today. I want to get below 200 pounds.
1-21-06
Well, once again my situation is pretty much the same but I have a new take on things....I realize now that what I have been doing is becoming complacent. The workouts I had been doing, the way I had been eating, don't benefit me any more. Especially the workouts. My body had become used to them and I listened to others who told me to keep my workouts slow and steady, and that time would win out over intensity. Sure, if you have 5 pounds to lose! Or if you are new to working out! But I had been doing this for years and it was beyond time to ramp it up! Two weeks ago, I started working out on the elliptical during my morning break at work. 30 minutes at a time at at least 132 beats per minute, 75 percent of my maximum heart rate. Talk about results! Oh my, my pants are falling down today!!!! Those are the results I have been waiting months to see! And for all this time I have been afraid of lifting weights, because a bod pod showed that I had more than 180 pounds of muscle, and I don't want to gain any more.....but I can shape what I have! I can tone what I have! My muscle can become more efficient at burning fat!
I have become fired up again, and have finally, finally beaten the carb monster, and have finally stopped the snacking at work, and in the evenings at home. What did I do? Scheduled workouts for those times! My 9am trip on the elliptical stops my morning munchies while my coworkers are eating bear claws and donuts, and my evening workout stops my stressful nights and mindless eating of popcorn and chips while trying to drown out my screaming child and constant knocks on my bedroom door....those 2 things have changed my life! Thank God for the person that encouraged me to try these things!
I had been reluctant to try either of these tactics...what if someone at work saw me leaving the building at 9am? What if someone needed me? What if people talked about me and my coworker leaving together every day? What if, blah blah blah!!! my workout guru said, "Hey, do any of those people have any say in how you live your life, or do your job?" NOPE! So off to the gym I go, thank goodness its across the street! That thousand mile trip is so much easier since I have someone to go with, thanks Phil!!!!
Working out in the evening, leaving home in the evening, wow. I have always been of the mind that when I go home after work, i am home for the night....scrambling around to run errands, or work out, or do whatever because once I got home that was it.....when it was suggested to me that a way to overcome my daily stress and to break my night munching was to go to the gym, I said, oh no, I could never come out again after going home for the night....he said to me, "What do you mean? Hibernating or something? Oh, are you a bear now????" I had to sit back and think about that...hiding out at home in the evening was old behavior for me, it is what i used to do to avoid ridicule, I don't have to live that way anymore. So after I made dinner, after my family's needs were met, about 8pm or so, I put on my workout clothes and walked out of the house. Wow, this seemed so strange, but I thank God that I did this. I got in a wonderful workout, and I am now hooked on going to the gym in the evening now! When I got home, I felt alert, I felt mellow, and I did not have the urge to munch at all. Drank some water and got in bed with a book and read until I got sleepy. It was the best.
4-21-06
Since my last entry, I have realized some things, not all of them are so good.....*sigh* First things first, when I am not using food to medicate, I have alot of anger, and stress in my life! When I quit smoking, I can remember how hard it was because I used nicotine in the same way, and when that was gone, eating became my new escape. Once I had surgery, what was I gonna use then? Well......I never gave up eating, just was unable to eat as much, and that is what is so unsettling. While I do let most of my anger out, it is scary, sometimes I feel so out of control, total impotent rage, because the targets of my anger seem to provoke me, namely, my daughter noodle, my father, who is 86 years old and I take care of, and my sister, who is mentally disabled, diabetic, and morbidly obese, who I also take care of. Noodle has told me many times that she misses the old me and tries to do everything she can to make me binge like I used to....she purposely does things that she knows make me angry, hoping that I will go back to eating and covering up my feelings like I used to....although that is no longer possible....*sigh*
Another realization is that I am scared to death of eating less food. Over the years my food intake has gone up and up until I can eat much more food than I could as a newer post op, a factor in my weight stalling out and stopping 4 months post op and never starting up again, save the 5 pounds up 5 pounds down thing that I have been doing for the last year. It has been so frustrating, it has been devestating to still weigh over 250 pounds when ladies at my support group are now 150 and 160. I stopped going because it seemed that I was a failure, and feeling that way is not going to effect any change in my behavior, so, here I am!
I have made a commitment to go back to liquids for a few days to get my eating back on track. Nothing solid, just protein drinks, water, decaf coffee, that's it! Talk about scared to death! I don't know where the fear is coming from, but all I can think about is, what am I gonna do at work if I can't eat? Bottom line, I get bored at work, I get stressed at work, and I eat in reaction to it....my solution was to go to the gym and walk the treadmill during my break and lunch time, but of course, someone complained that they needed me and I wasn't there, mind you, it is the break that I have a right to, but there you are. So now, I try to go at lunch time, but food has gotten into the way of that....food and the negative feelings I have, the stress and resentment. I have vowed to avoid the negative people that seem to incite my resentment even more, and to find a way to not see food as the reward for my stressful work day....then I start to feel stress when it is time to go home, because I get bombarded at the door with my familys needs....nothing gets done at home, the three of them are usually arguing, I have to make dinner, do housework, noodle is demanding my time, she is harassing me to buy her things, it goes on and on, and my way of coping all these years is to eat, to smoke, to eat and eat and eat! I had tried to use exercise as my outlet, and it works to an extent, but my goodness some days I 'm so stressed out, my body cannot handle the workout I do, I hurt all over the next day! I mean I still weigh 260 pounds! But my stress level says go to 2 spin classes! After they are over go get on the elliptical! Then I don't wanna go home so I just stay there and keep working! It is unreal!
for now, one step at a time....conquer eating first, then figure out the rest later.
12/14/06
Well, it's holiday time again, and thank God, I am not the same unhappy person of my last post! No, my weight has not changed, I have probably gained some, but I feel like a new person! I have gotten rid of alot of the things that used to stress me out so much and have an entirely new attitude about many things! It makes a difference, it really does.
My workouts, well, I have slowed down on them a little, but they are on their way back up, I miss them so much, and I have decided to keep right on fighting to get my weight loss going again, no more whining, no more crying, no more anything, because it is all about being positive and happy!
Photos
 6 months before surgery |  |  5 months post-op ~ March 2004 |
Surgeon Info:
Surgeon: Stephen Marshall, M.D.
Insurer Info:
John Deere Choice
I never dealt with them at all. Dr. Marshall sent a letter after consultation, I got a reply 2 weeks and 1 day later.
