missrocky

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I broke that stall by following the rules (what a concept) and now I'm FINALLY below 200!

199! One-derland! Never thought I'd see the #1 at the beginning of my weight, ever again!

So what did I do to get here?
1) Counted EVERY F*ing calorie that passed my lips
2) Made Sunday my "Treat" day but factored in those "naughty"  calories and tried not to go over 1500- 1600 a day
3) Kicked up my exercise BIG TIME (the key for me)
4) 2 protein shakes a day
5) Switched my meal times and eat every 3-4 hours to accomidiate my new work schedule
6) CHANGED MY ATTITUDE

My water has always been good but I'm probably drinking more than 64 oz a day at this point just because I'm thirsty all the time and have a nasty cold.

So no MAGIC PILL...just stipped being stupid and started paying attention!

I finally broke thru my plateau and lost 2 lbs so what did I eat tonight? Oreos

What a dumbass, huh? I dont dump- wish I did. I cant keep using the excuse that stress is making me eat!

Ok- back on the wagon tomorrow...at least I've been exercising!

I really, really need a labotomy!

I've been just suffering from depression lately. My oldest daughter is most likely pregnant by this fucking, asshole convict loser. I'm  really MAD at her for throwing her life away. Doing drugs, being stupid, always trying to hurt me and her father. I've just plain had it with her and her crap.

We did EVERYTHING for that girl. EVERYTHING. Such a stupid, stupid girl...what is she trying to prove. I wish she'd grow the fuck up and take responsibility. She's 21 for G-ds sake.

At this point, all I know is that I'm too young to be called GRANDMA!

Eric called and left a message. I called him back and told him not to call anymore because I just can't deal with it. I told him I need to move on and move on I shall...

What could he possibly do to convince me otherwise? (shrugs shoulders and sighs) I have NO idea.

When I get to the point of being done, I'm DONE. Stick a fork in me...I think I'm OVER done.

I'm blogging how I feel right now because I feel that I'm slipping away from myself...does that make sense?

Anyway- I'm sick of myself and everyone around me. If I don't make a change, my quality of life will be ruined. How many more years could I possibly have left? Who really knows...all I know is that I need to get my head out of my ass and start living.

I'm trying to figure out how to do that...that's why I need to let go of the old and embrace the new.

So there you go...

Dear Eric,
I think it's time to say goodbye. This relationship is not healthy for me and I'll tell you why...
1) If we ever got "offically" back together, I'd never be able to trust you regarding your drinking or your womanizing...
2) I can't just "be friends" because quite frankly- it's too hard to do.
3) I know in my heart of hearts that you're having a relationship with Robin even though you deny it. There is no way that you can be friends with a woman, sleep with her and then say there's nothing there. I guarantee that Robin thinks there's something there.
4) I refuse to be a "hanger on" like Mary even though I seem to be presently.
5) If I don't let go, I will never beat my addiction to all things bad for me. You are one of the things that are BAD for me.
6) I used to live in a world where I thought that all that mattered was how much I loved someone. I'm finding that this isn't the case. I can pour my heart and soul into someone but if I'm only getting 25% back- well- that's not enough for me.
7) The comments about me getting too thin or about certain parts of me hanging and such really hurt my feelings...you should be concerned about my health (like I'm concerned about yours). I understand that guys are visual...I get it. I just wish that it wasn't so. You've gain a lot of weight but I still love you and am attracted to you regardless...and that just sucks.
8) Sometimes I think the fantasy world in my mind clouds reality. I have always pictured us just together and happy. Maybe spending our "Golden Years" Traveling around and seeing the country...just a fantasy I guess...oh well, what can you do- right?

My head is clouded with depression and dispare. My heart just aches with what has been done to me and the fact that there is an empty space in the bed beside me (your space) naws at me in a way that a normal person just can't undertsand. I think I'm a good person overall- loving, caring, willing to do anything to make someone in my life as happy, satisfied and comfortable as they deserve to be. I don't get it- I don't get me at all...and it seems that no one else does either...

It's been 2 1/2 years and I'm still letting myseld get strung along. I thought I could handle this- I really could but I'm so damn tired of being the last thought...

So anyway...
Life for me is extremely unhealthy and I need to fix what's broken...what's broken is me.

Goodbye My Love.... I don't think anything can be salvaged at this point except my heart and that's exactly what I'm trying to do.

Since I'm a friend of a friend- I get to have my arms done for the special, Beverly Hills Surgeon low price of $5000 instead of $7500. The good thing about this guy is that he'll let me pre-pay...like bank my money for me until I reach the $5000. I like this because he IS a friend of a friend and I totally trust this arrangement. I really want to do this!


Face, Boobs, Stomach will be discussed at a late date- I need to lose more weight first!

I'm doing this a little early so I can start saving the money!

I'm so excited!

...that will make me under 200 lbs and then I shove CRAP in my mouth because I got 5 horrible customers in a row at work!
WHAT an IDIOT I am! SO SO STUPID!

Yeah- soothe yourself with junk. That's how you got fat in the first place!

I have been so depressed for the past few days...this is not helping me in the least.

It's 2- 2 1/2 hours, 2.5 miles of swtichbacks, wear SUNSCREEN- a hat- and sunglasses and bring AT LEAST 2 liters of water and a snack for the end of the hike- trust me...you'll be hungry!