Today will be better

Oct 21, 2010

  So many emotions I didn't know what to do. I started to cry because the pressure of everything in my life right now just felt like too much. And then i couldn't breathe, it felt like my chest was caving in, and i couldn't swallow there was a gas bubble the size of my fist it felt like. I couldn't drink anything i couldn't catch my breathe and I was ready to just give in to what was happening cause I didn't know what to do (living alone can suck sometimes) and then i got a phone call, thank God and some one talked me down, he helped me get control of my breathing, but he couldn't take the emotions away. he got me to breathe and i tried to drink, but of course i couldnt drink alot and it frustrated me. And I guess i need to learn to make myself burg cause until I did i felt so much pain.

Its that TOM and I'm usually full of emotions anyway, but this is more emotional then I have ever been and I know it is compounded by the fact that I cant eat. my biggest binging periods were always around this time, again i have to admit something I never thought about myself. I was medicating with food. It did make me feel better to have s Delicious meal. To the point that I would order huge amounts of food and even if i only ate one bite of everything, it made me happy in that moment (and the moments in the next few days as i finished it all) but there was always regret after.

I was angry that i couldn't drink anything yesterday, i self consciously starved myself as a protest because i couldn't eat. And I'm sure the lack of anything in my system didn't help my mental state. 

Today will be better, I will drink the right amounts, i will control my emotions, I'm worth this battle and I will not let anything stop me (I say the words and I wish them into truths)

I  am still happy i had this surgery. I know in the long run it is better than the alternative! My sleeve will help me get over some of the issues that cause all these emotions, I just have to make it work for me.

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