Marny B.
Running the Race....Memories From a Year of Rapid Weight Loss
Dec 12, 2011
My Preamble: With all of the responsibilities that come with post-op life, and a fuller and richer life to live, it is no surprise that an entire year flew by right under my nose- a fact I almost missed if not for good friends to remind me. I wanted to think about all of the things that happened in the past year and journal about my experiences. During the process, I found myself thinking more about all of the circumstances that lead me to have RNY in the first place. I thought giving you a picture of what pre-op life was like for me, might be a good place to start. It is a long story, with a lot of embarrassing admissions, but it is all true, and I suspect, representative of where a lot of people might currently be while waiting for surgery, and where a lot of you have been in your past.
Part 1: My Ugly Truth...
Truth be told, I cannot remember a single time in my past when I felt thin...not ever. I was chubby as a child, fat as a teenager, and super morbidly obese for a large part of my adulthood. I experienced all of the things that went along with that: ridicule, shame, and more. I was always (and still am to a large extent), a self-conscious person. I am a person who most always says "yes" to anyone and anything, and it was never a secret that I always gave an emphatic "Yes please!!" to food. I dieted over the years, trying Jenny Craig, Doctor Bernstein, Weight Watchers, The Mayo Clinic Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Glycemic Index Diet, and even the Cabbage Soup Diet. Most of the programs listed above I tried several times over. I always had some amount of success, but inevitably I gained it all back and more. Up and down the scales I went. Finally, in 2004, at 250 pounds, I became pregnant with my first daughter. I think that I had been dieting for so long, that I looked at pregnancy as a hall pass- a license to eat anything and everything I wanted. Not only did I eat for 2, but most days I probably ate for 22! I gained 55 pounds with my first pregnancy, and lost not one single dime afterwards. Exactly 2 years and 1 month later, I had my second daughter, and with that pregnancy, came another 30 pounds that I was unable, (or unwilling) to loose. At this point, I experienced some pretty wicked postpartum depression, and as a result I gained even more excess, until finally settling at my highest weight of 329 pounds.
At 329 pounds, I was "super morbidly obese", and terrified. Physically, I felt miserable. I felt as though my fat was suffocating me. At night, I slept with pillows behind me so that I was as upright as possible, and even then I could feel the weight of my fat pushing my throat closed. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. Later, I found myself dizzy and tired all the time, with horribly swollen ankles. It was determined that I had high blood pressure and had to take medication to regulate it. Everything seemed like a chore, because the weight of my body made even basic, everyday tasks uncomfortable. I couldn't keep up with my 3 year old in a foot race (not even close), and I avoided any family activity that didn't involve me watching from the couch. On a family trip to Wonderland I was asked to leave the ride platform as it turned out that I was too much of a behemoth to ride the Behemoth. I was always sweaty, even in the dead of winter. I had a hard time reaching around my hips to wipe my bottom while in the bathroom. This was particularly hard in public restrooms where there was no counter to brace myself against. I was quickly outgrowing the largest size (28), that they carried at Pennington's, and wondered where in the world I would turn next for clothing. On more than one occasion, I had to have the waitress at the restaurant redirect us to a table since I could not fit in the booth. I began to have numbness in my arms and fingers, heart palpitations, jaw pain, and dizziness. I was convinced I was on the doorstep of a heart attack, andI was afraid to go to bed at night, because I was sure that I'd not wake up to see the next day. I was destroying myself inside and out, and t was a pretty desperate place to be.
Not my highest weight, but certainly on my way.
Part 2: An Unlikely Gift...
It came in the form of a major panic attack. I found myself in my classroom, (the week after school ended), heart racing, extreme sweating, jaw pain, numbness in my arms, a burning in the center of my chest, the inability to swallow or take a deep breath, and a feeling like the room was beginning to black out. In a daze, I wandered into a co-worker's room, who took one look at me and called 911. News travels particularly fast in the workplace as many of you well know, and before long, the entire staff was in the hallway watching as I was wheeled off, big and fat, on a stretcher. It was, and will forever be, the single most mortifying experience of my life. I had become "the 33 year old morbidly obese girl dying of a heart attack", and I was completely shamed.
Despite the fact that I really thought my life was coming to an abrupt halt, the doctors pronounced that I had had an extreme panic attack. I had literally made myself sick from worrying about my weight, and the consequences it was having on my health. Heart attack, or panic attack, it didn't matter. I was determined NEVER to feel that way again, and that is what brought me to my doctor's office the next week to ask for his support in having gastric bypass surgery. I was prepared for a battle, but to my complete shock, he agreed immediately. His exact words were. "I agree. It's your time". I cried right there in his office, all the way home, and pretty much for the rest of the day just from the sense of relief that someone had finally acknowledged that I needed help byond the kind an ordinary diet plan could give me.
Me with my girls at 329 pounds. Smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside.
The rest of the details about my resulting surgery, were written about in my previous blogs. I had my RNY on December 9th, 2010. I've had no complications to speak of,and at a year out, I have lost 150+ pounds. There have been many ups and downs along the way. I have stalled more times than I can count, and made mistakes like eating the wrong thing, or eating too fast, then suffering the inevitable consequences. The toilet bowl and I have developed quite the relationship this year. Despite the lows, and basking in the light of the highs, I can honestly say that WLS has freed me from a bondage to food that consumed every waking minute of my life. I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity. I was deathly afraid about having the surgery (let there be no mistake), and when they asked me to count backwards from ten, I cried like a baby. But, in the end, I wouldn't change a single minute of anything that happened in the last 2 years, because it has brought me to where I am today, and where I am right now is good....really good.
Part 3: Running the Race...
Philippians 3:13-14
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is
ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called
me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
Aside from the religious meaning of this quote, which is intensely personal to me, I really felt that this scripture also had depth when applied to my journey after WLS, and pretty well sums up how I see life after RNY. I did not wait until 100 pounds lost, or a year surgiversary, or even until goal to make this a permanent fixture on my body. It struck me so deeply when I heard it that it never left my mind, and I knew it that I wanted it emblazoned on my skin forever.
For me, life after RNY is like a race with several important markers along the way, and one significant goal at the finish line. It is a race that I don't know I'll ever finish in my lifetime. I don't know that I'll ever completely beat my food addiction, but I do know that along my journey, I WILL achieve good health, and I WILL achieve a number that I can be happy with. My end goal though, is far greater than those two things. My crown...my medal...my prize...is the ability to have 100% acceptance of myself in every way: physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the good, the bad, everything. Like I said before, I don't know that I'll ever get there, but I will continue to strive in that direction.
When a runner runs a race, they set their eyes on the mark, never letting go. When they take a moment to look behind them, they loose their footing, stumble, and fall. This is the race I run everyday. When I turn back to my old habits, many of which are alive and well, I stumble. The key is realizing that in that very instant that I fall, I need to pick myself back up and continue the race. I have to allow myself to stumble without condemning myself to failure, otherwise I might not ever get back up again, and failure has always been a huge trigger point for overeating in my past.
If I am running a race, then I have to strain forward, stretching and flexing every muscle of my body. In this case, my muscles are all of the things I have learned through my research, and through my time spent on OH. If I don't flex these muscles everyday, I will loose speed, and eventually loose the race altogether.
Me "running the race". -Barrie Run for The Cure, 2011
Part 4: Potpourri (A Small Collection of Random Thoughts About My Weight loss)
-I actually do love to run. I joined the Running Room and to date have managed to work up to 10km. I love the freedom of running and the thrill of setting a goal, watching as it grows closer and closer. It is tangible and fulfilling, and far beyond any expectation I had of myself a year ago. Running is peaceful; it's me, my music, and my feet to carry me along at a steady, rhythmic pace.
-I gain an immense sense of power when I am able to resist a temptation. This gives me the motivation to resist the next thing along the way. When I loose this fight, I feel like giving up, but I don't.
-I will eternally be chased by the carb monster. Even more so than sugar (which I thought would be my biggest competitor), I think starchy carbs will be nipping at my heals for the rest of my life, always competing for first place.
-I am sick of protein, but I eat it anyways because it is good for me.
-I have developed quite the ego after all of the positive attention given to me with my transformation, but soon those people who have witnessed this change will stop noticing. The new people I meet won't know how far I've come, and I sometimes worry that I will be disappointed when all the fanfare stops.
-I used to shop to compensate for the fact I was fat- "If I decorate myself, nicely, maybe nobody will notice". Now I desperately want to shop, but feel confused by it somehow. There are so many stores, but I don't quite feel like I belong in any of them. I secretly long to go back to Pennington's where everything is familiar and I have limited choices. I have the opportunity to reinvent myself (style wise), and I feel like a deer in the headlights...plus I'm poor from having to update my wardrobe all the time, (a nice but pesky problem to have).
Part 5: Who Doesn't Like Pictures? Here's a Collection From the Past Year
That's me on the far right (in case you couldn't tell), with my neighbors 4 months out and going out for a night on the town.
and 2 daughters.
5 months out, at a friend's wedding. I had never worn red 9 months out
before. I am a chronic black-a-holic.
1 Year out. My first Lululemon. It was a surgiversary treat! Sucking in all that loose skin...quick...take the pic!
Is it a Muumuu? No. It's my old top that was tight when I I need to take another pic. of me and hubby standing in
bought it. Now it barely hangs on my shoulders. these. Forgot to suck in my skin for this one
10 comments
Part 1: My Ugly Truth...
Truth be told, I cannot remember a single time in my past when I felt thin...not ever. I was chubby as a child, fat as a teenager, and super morbidly obese for a large part of my adulthood. I experienced all of the things that went along with that: ridicule, shame, and more. I was always (and still am to a large extent), a self-conscious person. I am a person who most always says "yes" to anyone and anything, and it was never a secret that I always gave an emphatic "Yes please!!" to food. I dieted over the years, trying Jenny Craig, Doctor Bernstein, Weight Watchers, The Mayo Clinic Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Glycemic Index Diet, and even the Cabbage Soup Diet. Most of the programs listed above I tried several times over. I always had some amount of success, but inevitably I gained it all back and more. Up and down the scales I went. Finally, in 2004, at 250 pounds, I became pregnant with my first daughter. I think that I had been dieting for so long, that I looked at pregnancy as a hall pass- a license to eat anything and everything I wanted. Not only did I eat for 2, but most days I probably ate for 22! I gained 55 pounds with my first pregnancy, and lost not one single dime afterwards. Exactly 2 years and 1 month later, I had my second daughter, and with that pregnancy, came another 30 pounds that I was unable, (or unwilling) to loose. At this point, I experienced some pretty wicked postpartum depression, and as a result I gained even more excess, until finally settling at my highest weight of 329 pounds.
At 329 pounds, I was "super morbidly obese", and terrified. Physically, I felt miserable. I felt as though my fat was suffocating me. At night, I slept with pillows behind me so that I was as upright as possible, and even then I could feel the weight of my fat pushing my throat closed. Shortly thereafter I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea. Later, I found myself dizzy and tired all the time, with horribly swollen ankles. It was determined that I had high blood pressure and had to take medication to regulate it. Everything seemed like a chore, because the weight of my body made even basic, everyday tasks uncomfortable. I couldn't keep up with my 3 year old in a foot race (not even close), and I avoided any family activity that didn't involve me watching from the couch. On a family trip to Wonderland I was asked to leave the ride platform as it turned out that I was too much of a behemoth to ride the Behemoth. I was always sweaty, even in the dead of winter. I had a hard time reaching around my hips to wipe my bottom while in the bathroom. This was particularly hard in public restrooms where there was no counter to brace myself against. I was quickly outgrowing the largest size (28), that they carried at Pennington's, and wondered where in the world I would turn next for clothing. On more than one occasion, I had to have the waitress at the restaurant redirect us to a table since I could not fit in the booth. I began to have numbness in my arms and fingers, heart palpitations, jaw pain, and dizziness. I was convinced I was on the doorstep of a heart attack, andI was afraid to go to bed at night, because I was sure that I'd not wake up to see the next day. I was destroying myself inside and out, and t was a pretty desperate place to be.
Not my highest weight, but certainly on my way.
Part 2: An Unlikely Gift...
It came in the form of a major panic attack. I found myself in my classroom, (the week after school ended), heart racing, extreme sweating, jaw pain, numbness in my arms, a burning in the center of my chest, the inability to swallow or take a deep breath, and a feeling like the room was beginning to black out. In a daze, I wandered into a co-worker's room, who took one look at me and called 911. News travels particularly fast in the workplace as many of you well know, and before long, the entire staff was in the hallway watching as I was wheeled off, big and fat, on a stretcher. It was, and will forever be, the single most mortifying experience of my life. I had become "the 33 year old morbidly obese girl dying of a heart attack", and I was completely shamed.
Despite the fact that I really thought my life was coming to an abrupt halt, the doctors pronounced that I had had an extreme panic attack. I had literally made myself sick from worrying about my weight, and the consequences it was having on my health. Heart attack, or panic attack, it didn't matter. I was determined NEVER to feel that way again, and that is what brought me to my doctor's office the next week to ask for his support in having gastric bypass surgery. I was prepared for a battle, but to my complete shock, he agreed immediately. His exact words were. "I agree. It's your time". I cried right there in his office, all the way home, and pretty much for the rest of the day just from the sense of relief that someone had finally acknowledged that I needed help byond the kind an ordinary diet plan could give me.
Me with my girls at 329 pounds. Smiling on the outside, but dying on the inside.
The rest of the details about my resulting surgery, were written about in my previous blogs. I had my RNY on December 9th, 2010. I've had no complications to speak of,and at a year out, I have lost 150+ pounds. There have been many ups and downs along the way. I have stalled more times than I can count, and made mistakes like eating the wrong thing, or eating too fast, then suffering the inevitable consequences. The toilet bowl and I have developed quite the relationship this year. Despite the lows, and basking in the light of the highs, I can honestly say that WLS has freed me from a bondage to food that consumed every waking minute of my life. I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity. I was deathly afraid about having the surgery (let there be no mistake), and when they asked me to count backwards from ten, I cried like a baby. But, in the end, I wouldn't change a single minute of anything that happened in the last 2 years, because it has brought me to where I am today, and where I am right now is good....really good.
Part 3: Running the Race...
Philippians 3:13-14
"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it.
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is
ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called
me heavenward in Christ Jesus. "
Aside from the religious meaning of this quote, which is intensely personal to me, I really felt that this scripture also had depth when applied to my journey after WLS, and pretty well sums up how I see life after RNY. I did not wait until 100 pounds lost, or a year surgiversary, or even until goal to make this a permanent fixture on my body. It struck me so deeply when I heard it that it never left my mind, and I knew it that I wanted it emblazoned on my skin forever.
For me, life after RNY is like a race with several important markers along the way, and one significant goal at the finish line. It is a race that I don't know I'll ever finish in my lifetime. I don't know that I'll ever completely beat my food addiction, but I do know that along my journey, I WILL achieve good health, and I WILL achieve a number that I can be happy with. My end goal though, is far greater than those two things. My crown...my medal...my prize...is the ability to have 100% acceptance of myself in every way: physically, emotionally, and spiritually, the good, the bad, everything. Like I said before, I don't know that I'll ever get there, but I will continue to strive in that direction.
When a runner runs a race, they set their eyes on the mark, never letting go. When they take a moment to look behind them, they loose their footing, stumble, and fall. This is the race I run everyday. When I turn back to my old habits, many of which are alive and well, I stumble. The key is realizing that in that very instant that I fall, I need to pick myself back up and continue the race. I have to allow myself to stumble without condemning myself to failure, otherwise I might not ever get back up again, and failure has always been a huge trigger point for overeating in my past.
If I am running a race, then I have to strain forward, stretching and flexing every muscle of my body. In this case, my muscles are all of the things I have learned through my research, and through my time spent on OH. If I don't flex these muscles everyday, I will loose speed, and eventually loose the race altogether.
Me "running the race". -Barrie Run for The Cure, 2011
Part 4: Potpourri (A Small Collection of Random Thoughts About My Weight loss)
-I actually do love to run. I joined the Running Room and to date have managed to work up to 10km. I love the freedom of running and the thrill of setting a goal, watching as it grows closer and closer. It is tangible and fulfilling, and far beyond any expectation I had of myself a year ago. Running is peaceful; it's me, my music, and my feet to carry me along at a steady, rhythmic pace.
-I gain an immense sense of power when I am able to resist a temptation. This gives me the motivation to resist the next thing along the way. When I loose this fight, I feel like giving up, but I don't.
-I will eternally be chased by the carb monster. Even more so than sugar (which I thought would be my biggest competitor), I think starchy carbs will be nipping at my heals for the rest of my life, always competing for first place.
-I am sick of protein, but I eat it anyways because it is good for me.
-I have developed quite the ego after all of the positive attention given to me with my transformation, but soon those people who have witnessed this change will stop noticing. The new people I meet won't know how far I've come, and I sometimes worry that I will be disappointed when all the fanfare stops.
-I used to shop to compensate for the fact I was fat- "If I decorate myself, nicely, maybe nobody will notice". Now I desperately want to shop, but feel confused by it somehow. There are so many stores, but I don't quite feel like I belong in any of them. I secretly long to go back to Pennington's where everything is familiar and I have limited choices. I have the opportunity to reinvent myself (style wise), and I feel like a deer in the headlights...plus I'm poor from having to update my wardrobe all the time, (a nice but pesky problem to have).
Part 5: Who Doesn't Like Pictures? Here's a Collection From the Past Year
That's me on the far right (in case you couldn't tell), with my neighbors 4 months out and going out for a night on the town.
and 2 daughters.
5 months out, at a friend's wedding. I had never worn red 9 months out
before. I am a chronic black-a-holic.
1 Year out. My first Lululemon. It was a surgiversary treat! Sucking in all that loose skin...quick...take the pic!
Is it a Muumuu? No. It's my old top that was tight when I I need to take another pic. of me and hubby standing in
bought it. Now it barely hangs on my shoulders. these. Forgot to suck in my skin for this one
SURGERY!!!!
Dec 17, 2010
So, my surgery date has come and gone, and I am busy living the post-op life. It is definitely a full-time job, but I feel well, and since starting Optifast I have lost a grand total of 29 pounds! I thought I better document everything I remember about my experience before I loose myself in all the WOWs I am about to experience, and forget all the little details.
The day of the surgery I was quite calm. I nested a bit, got the house ready for Christmas and even did some baking with the kids which was quite a challenge since, by then, I was so hungry I could have eaten the legs off a table. On the day of the surgery, I arrived at St. Joseph Heath care in Hamilton, at 10:00 am. and checked into day surgery. I changed into my gown, had an IV started and began my wait. Various blood tests were done and lots and lots of questions were asked- most of them twice, maybe three times....."No, I don't wear dentures", "Yes I have had surgery before.", "No I don't have glasses"......etc.... To say I was nervous would be and understatement. I was PETRIFIED, and as the nurse made a beeline towards me with a surgical cap to wear, I knew it was time. She said "Here's your cap, love. Say goodbye to Hubie." That is when I lost it. The tears were a flow'in. I kissed my husband goodbye and the wheeled me off to the OR. Even then, the tears were flowing- silently though. Every person in the OR was kind, calming, and encouraging. They wiped my tears and told me not to worry, placed a mask over my mouth, and like a blink, it was done. I could hear people calling my name. Eventually I was able to open my eyes (momentarily), and see my husband's smiling face. Then I knew I was okay. Truthfully, I don't remember much about the rest of that day.
The next day, I again awoke to my husband smiling at me, and telling me I was fine. I was a bit sore, but mostly just nauseated. Shortly thereafter, I was up and walking around. My mouth felt like the Sahara desert though, and my lips seemed to be permanently stuck to my teeth. This was interesting. I thought I resembled a younger Jim Carrey ala "Pet Detective" with my goofy grin. Not at all the look I was going for. This was also the morning I had my swallow test. I was brought down to a special x-ray room, asked to stand in front of a weird looking machine that kind of circled around me, and then given a cup. At that point I was thinking "OMG, I don't care what is in this cup, it will feel good to swallow some liquid......WRONG......it was bitter, nasty, stuff that made me come very close to tossing my cookies, but I swallowed- several times in fact, and in the end all was good- no gastric leaks, and I could start to drink water.
A small, little, 30ml medicine cup filled with cold water....I thought it would be heaven, and going down, it totally was- a welcome relief. However, 4 minutes later, I learned my stomach was not yet ready for 30ml of water taken in 2 "gulps" and the nausea set in again. Over the course of my stay, drinking became much easier, especially when I learned to pace myself, "Ten minutes...sip. Ten more minutes....sip", and so my days went. I met fellow RNYers shuffling the halls and had an instant kinship with them. People who've just had their insides re-routed in the same way tend to have a lot to discuss. We walked the halls every hour for several laps. It was like the Indy 500, but much....MUCH slower. :)
Finally, it was time to go home. I was a bit nervous, but anxious to see my little girls and my parents who were waiting at home. I had a really good experience at my hospital- start to finish. It seemed like such a short stay (Thursday-Saturday), and was much less painful than I thought it would be. All that worry, and before I knew it---poof it was all over. Now I am on the bench and awaiting a whole new life ahead of me! Yay for RNY! And, thank you to Dr. Hong for his expertise, and to all the nurses for their patience and advice.
2 comments
The day of the surgery I was quite calm. I nested a bit, got the house ready for Christmas and even did some baking with the kids which was quite a challenge since, by then, I was so hungry I could have eaten the legs off a table. On the day of the surgery, I arrived at St. Joseph Heath care in Hamilton, at 10:00 am. and checked into day surgery. I changed into my gown, had an IV started and began my wait. Various blood tests were done and lots and lots of questions were asked- most of them twice, maybe three times....."No, I don't wear dentures", "Yes I have had surgery before.", "No I don't have glasses"......etc.... To say I was nervous would be and understatement. I was PETRIFIED, and as the nurse made a beeline towards me with a surgical cap to wear, I knew it was time. She said "Here's your cap, love. Say goodbye to Hubie." That is when I lost it. The tears were a flow'in. I kissed my husband goodbye and the wheeled me off to the OR. Even then, the tears were flowing- silently though. Every person in the OR was kind, calming, and encouraging. They wiped my tears and told me not to worry, placed a mask over my mouth, and like a blink, it was done. I could hear people calling my name. Eventually I was able to open my eyes (momentarily), and see my husband's smiling face. Then I knew I was okay. Truthfully, I don't remember much about the rest of that day.
The next day, I again awoke to my husband smiling at me, and telling me I was fine. I was a bit sore, but mostly just nauseated. Shortly thereafter, I was up and walking around. My mouth felt like the Sahara desert though, and my lips seemed to be permanently stuck to my teeth. This was interesting. I thought I resembled a younger Jim Carrey ala "Pet Detective" with my goofy grin. Not at all the look I was going for. This was also the morning I had my swallow test. I was brought down to a special x-ray room, asked to stand in front of a weird looking machine that kind of circled around me, and then given a cup. At that point I was thinking "OMG, I don't care what is in this cup, it will feel good to swallow some liquid......WRONG......it was bitter, nasty, stuff that made me come very close to tossing my cookies, but I swallowed- several times in fact, and in the end all was good- no gastric leaks, and I could start to drink water.
A small, little, 30ml medicine cup filled with cold water....I thought it would be heaven, and going down, it totally was- a welcome relief. However, 4 minutes later, I learned my stomach was not yet ready for 30ml of water taken in 2 "gulps" and the nausea set in again. Over the course of my stay, drinking became much easier, especially when I learned to pace myself, "Ten minutes...sip. Ten more minutes....sip", and so my days went. I met fellow RNYers shuffling the halls and had an instant kinship with them. People who've just had their insides re-routed in the same way tend to have a lot to discuss. We walked the halls every hour for several laps. It was like the Indy 500, but much....MUCH slower. :)
Finally, it was time to go home. I was a bit nervous, but anxious to see my little girls and my parents who were waiting at home. I had a really good experience at my hospital- start to finish. It seemed like such a short stay (Thursday-Saturday), and was much less painful than I thought it would be. All that worry, and before I knew it---poof it was all over. Now I am on the bench and awaiting a whole new life ahead of me! Yay for RNY! And, thank you to Dr. Hong for his expertise, and to all the nurses for their patience and advice.
Not So Long
Jul 17, 2010
So, at the begining of this whole process, I thought the wait would be unbearabley long. I made up my mind to put it out of my mind and just go on with things until it was my turn. I didn`t want to agonize over it everyday. However, it hasn`t actually felt all that long. I saw my Dr. on March 18th and he wrote his own referral and sent it in. May 15th, they sent him back their specific referral forms, and he sent them back out May19th. Almost exactly one month later, June 22, I got a call for my orientation, and now I have specialist appointments for Aug. 20th. Now it actually feels like the time is rushing past in a whirl and I am a little panicy. I want it bad, but I still have my days where I feel fearful because of my husband and little girls. My fear is that I will leave them without a wife and mother, by electing to have this surgery. There are other days where I feel like CRAP because of the toll this extra weight is taking on my body, and I think I better have this surgery before I die young from obesity complications. I was recently feeling very confident about my decision until a `friend` who knows I am having the surgery, casually let me know that an aquaintance of ours was attending a funeral of a friend (30 years old), who recently died from unknown complications of WLS, 6 months. No real details, just that she died unexpectedly and they are sure it was from the WLS (autopsy pending). That felt like too few degrees of seperation for me, and I got all fearfull again. Sigh...one day at a time. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time and though I don`t really think that I will, it is comforting to know that I have that option. I guess all-in-all, a healthy dose of fear is good, as it makes me realize that this is a major decision, and I will be damned if I dont follow through with all of the lifestyle changes afterwards. I am going to succeed!
0 comments
Something to Blog About
May 26, 2010
Yippee!! I actually have something to blog about! Today I called St. Joe's Hamilton, expecting to get the answering machine, but someone picked up! Victory! I asked her to kindly check for my referral which was FINALLY sent for real on May 19th, and guess what??? It was there....in her hands....it has been seen. 
It is no longer in limbo. That is a most wonderful feeling, and it made my day. She (I say "she" because I have no idea who I was actually been talking to- must have been and angel :) said it honestly wouldn't be too long before we hear from them! Imagine that. I am just beaming with the little bit of progress that has been made. Yay!!!
0 comments
It is no longer in limbo. That is a most wonderful feeling, and it made my day. She (I say "she" because I have no idea who I was actually been talking to- must have been and angel :) said it honestly wouldn't be too long before we hear from them! Imagine that. I am just beaming with the little bit of progress that has been made. Yay!!!
WOO HOO!
Apr 30, 2010
Last night was my sleep study. Weird experience, but I actually slept okay. I almost wondered if I slept better there than at home?? Surprising. Maybe DH and I should get separate beds a la "I Love Lucy". hahaha
In the morning, the technician told me that though she couldn't give me official results, if I did indeed have sleep apnea, it would be very mild, as I did not have many interruptions through the night. Yay! That makes me feel a lot better, especially because that rules out something that could delay my surgery, or make it more risky. :D I guess I should wait to see the DR. in May though before I celebrate, but I think I am in the clear.
I am however, left at a loss as to what is making me so tired etc... Could it be that I am basically carrying an extra person (in fat), around with me all day long?? I had to get on a "Body Fat Analyser" and almost cried. Is it really possible to be 75% body fat???? Yikes, if that isn't a motivator to continue my pre-surgery weightloss efforts!
So anyways, I am glad to have that done, and look forward to the next step, whatever that may be.
A Tiny Bit of Progress
Apr 26, 2010
So I called my fam. doctor today intending to be pesty and demanding, when guess what? They told me that my referral was sent last week. Woo Hoo! Another small accomplishment, but I am happy. I am in line, and that feels great. I was beginning to think he would never get around to it!
2 comments
*Sigh*
Apr 25, 2010
So, this was a rough week. I am really feeling down about where my health is at and I am dying to get the ball rolling....just anything...any sort of news. Like I have stated in my previous posts, I don't mind waiting for the surgery. This is a major, life-altering decision, and time to mull it over is good. However, at last check, my doctor hadn't even sent in my referral, and it has been 5 weeks. Am I unrealistic to have expected him to have done this by now? He is only sending one referral to St. Joe's, by his report. I think it is time that I become a bit of a pest, and start making some regular phone calls to his office.
This week, my husband was away for work, so I was with the kids alone. The very first night he was away, I went to bed at 10:30, and awoke at 11:30, jumping out of bed. My arm was sooooo numb, and my heart was beating out of my chest. The scary thing was that I could not get my heartbeat under control. Ten minutes later, it was (at my count), 142 beats per minute, and not stopping. I was terrified and thinking..."My husband is out of town, I don't want to scare the kids...what do I do?" I was TERRIFIED. To make a long story short, a good friend came and got the kids and dropped me off at the hospital. I got checked out and in the end, they think it was all related to......sleap apnea and the anxiety it has been causing me. They said that sometimes an episode can throw your heart into "sinus tachecardia" (sp?). This is not with any proof, but it has me convinced. I actually have my initial appointment for my sleep study booked for this Wednesday, so atleast I am moving in the right direction there. I know that there is the possibility of me having this surgery within the year, and shortly thereafter not needing the very expensive CPAP machine, but I don't care. I don't ever want to feel that way again!
For me, a couple of years ago, if you asked, I probably would have said I wanted to loose weight because I wanted to look good (I always considered myself the "healthy" fat girl :D) . These days, all I can think about is "I need this for my health!!"
On a more positive note, I have set the personal goal of loosing some weight on my own, while waiting for the surgery, and I am happy to say that so far, I have lost 4 pounds. A small accomplishment, but still- yay for me!
New Friends
Apr 13, 2010
Tonight I met a fantastic group of women for coffee in Mississauga. They were great! Some (like me), were in the beginning stages of WLS, and others were experts, having been on the other side for years already.
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this website. In the earliest of stage of this journey, I felt really alone, and found it so difficult to find information. Though my husband (and the one or two close friends I told about my decision), were supportive, they just couldn't identify with the way I was feeling. Just in the short time I have been on this site, I have learned a ton, and already met new friends.
What a great place to belong! Thanks to everyone who has already made this journey more comfortable for me!
2 comments
I am so grateful to have stumbled upon this website. In the earliest of stage of this journey, I felt really alone, and found it so difficult to find information. Though my husband (and the one or two close friends I told about my decision), were supportive, they just couldn't identify with the way I was feeling. Just in the short time I have been on this site, I have learned a ton, and already met new friends.
What a great place to belong! Thanks to everyone who has already made this journey more comfortable for me!
The Weighting Game
Apr 11, 2010
It takes a lot to bring you to the decision to have weight loss surgery, and when you finally get there and have set your mind on it....you wait. Now, I've only been in this process for a month, but, that's where I am...waiting. If I am honest with myself, I can see the value in it, even though I feel impatient. I have certainly been doing my research, learning from reading all of the discussions in the various forums on the OH site, meeting with wonderful new OH friends, and have also made some important decisions about my health in the interm. Tomorrow I have a follow up appointment with my doctor. I think I will ask him to send me to a bariatric specialist that he previously suggested. It will be good for me to further investigate the emotional component to my eating problem, and I think he will have a lot of valuable information to help me prepare for all of this. Waiting has it's merrits (though ask me in 4 months and I just might say it sucks). Patience is a virtue- so I wait.....
Getting Started
Mar 22, 2010
So, I've taken the first steps and have talked to my doctor about WLS. Thankfully he was very supportive. Now that I have made the decision, I feel such an overwhelming sense of relief that I am actually doing something about it. It feels good to get the ball rolling. I am to have another appointment in 6 weeks, when he says he will have things organized (not exactly sure what that means), and I can't wait to move on to the next step.
0 comments
