mkh1078

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I am so thankful for the second chance at life I was given as a result of the RNY. On Saturday, I lost one of my closest childhood friends. She was 31, and she died of a heart attack. It's so hard not to think about how that could have been me if I hadn't changed my lifestyle. It's such a shock to lose her so suddenly, but I can't help but realize that could have easily been me. And it's hard for me to not blame her for not changing her lifestyle. I feel guilty for thinking that. At the same time, I keep thinking this is all a big practical joke, and she'll surprise us all at the funeral home. But I know better, and it's such a huge loss.

I've had a lot of other stress lately. Mark lost his job in September. The kids are so unruly. My schedule at work is a mess, and now it's peak season. There are so many things that would have triggered an emotional eating binge in my former life. Now I get the urge to exercise, drink coffee or try on itty bitty clothes. So I guess those are all better than the alternative.

I've gotten used to all the skinny, "wasting away", "blow you over", etc. jokes and comments. Why shouldn't I be proud to have thighs that don't touch and wear these clothes? LOL  And what does it mean when a guy meows at you in Starbucks? I thought he meant I was being a catty bitch, but I was being very nice, so what was the meow for? Was that good, bad or was he just off his meds? And I swear every ex-boyfriend I ever had has decided to come out of the woodwork and send me friend requests on Facebook. What is up with that? They missed their chance, and I have the best husband ever. He loved me for me when I was fat and never knew me skinny.

At my 1 year check up, my NUT told me to eat more carbs and get in more calories because of all the weight training and running. I never thought I would hear that. And even though I think I have so much extra skin, my surgeon doesn't think I do and doesn't think I need any plastic surgery (thankful for that). I am scared to eat more, but I know I have to. If I don't, I will get too skinny and my body will start going after the muscle I've built.

And I still don't see what other people see when I look in the mirror. I can see the change in photos, but not in the mirror. For the past two days, I have felt fat. WTF???? I know I'm not. I wear small and extra small. I wear a freakin' 4. I've lost 167 lbs, and I used to wear 26/28. I don't know why I feel like this. It's like I was at one extreme, and I am afraid that I am heading to another without realizing it.

My ideal weight range is 130-157 for my height and frame, and I am at 141. I don't want to lose any more weight. I just want to continue to maintain. So I am thinking maybe I need to go back to my therapist and find out why I feel fat. I wish my brain and my eyes could catch up to the rest of my body.

I've decided I want custom running shoes for Christmas. If someone would have told me that one day I would enjoy running, I would have laughed in their face. But I really enjoy it. I'm so thankful that I can run now. It used to hurt to walk, and now I can run. Wow!

I'm officially 1 year post-op. I weigh 144, and I am maintaining. I wear a Small, size 4 or 6 depending on how it's cut. I even have a couple of things that are Extra Small. LOL. My hair has finally come back in. I stopped losing it months ago, but it wasn't coming back. Now my stylist said I could probably start coloring it again next month. :-)

There are still things that I have to get used to. I don't see in the mirror what other people see, but I can see it in pictures. Isn't that strange? I have to get used to people being nice to me, complimenting me, checking me out, etc. I have to resist the urge to pull out my before picture and ask if they would have acted the same way to her. I have to resist the urge to buy things just because they fit. I have to really think about whether or not I need it and if I would truly wear it. I still get cravings that I have to resist. They operated on our stomachs, not our brains. But the thought of getting sick and dumping is enough motivation to resist.  I've found ways to distract myself from any emotional eating which was pretty easy to do when you have no appetite. I do need to get better about eating on schedule. I plan everything out, but if my schedule gets disrupted it can be easy for me to delay a meal or a snack. I've found that taking sugar free pudding with protein powder in it to work helps me stay on track (It's easy to swallow if a call comes in.).

There are so many things that I have been able to do that I never thought I would accomplish. I can go to Six Flags and White Water and actually participate instead of watching everyone else. I can go to the beach and enjoy time with my family instead of hiding. I don't worry about whether or not a chair can support me or if I will get stuck in it. I have more confidence and go after the things I want. I'm not afraid to speak up or be noticed. I can play with my kids. I can spend time with my husband. I'm not tired all the time anymore. I love working out at the gym now. I even enjoy crunches. LOL

This is still the best thing that I ever did for myself, and I would encourage anyone to learn more about it.

I reached my goal weight today!

I've only got 7 more pounds to go. I never thought I would be so close, especially not at 10 mos! I am so blessed to have had the surgery and to have made all these lifestyle changes.

Speaking of changes... I found another PCP, and he actually listens and understands. He checked my thyroid, and it's functioning normally, but it is moderately enlarged. He said my body is in shock from losing so much weight so fast and from having 3 surgeries in the last 12 months. He's giving me weekly Myers Cocktails in an IV, and then in October it will be monthly. This is supposed to help my immune system and the fatigue. I think they are really helping.

I also changed gyms. Curves wasn't cutting it for me anymore. They are hardly ever open, and it's not a challenging workout. So I joined BodyPlex in Jasper, and I got a personal trainer. She is awesome. I can already tell that I am getting stronger and have more endurance. I can't believe that I actually enjoy doing crunches and weight training. I actually think it is fun now. I never would have said that 10 mos ago. I can run on the treadmill now, and last year I could barely walk without getting tired.

I'm still using the Advair and albuterol. I'm worried about cold and flu season. So we've all got flu shots, and I got my pneumonia shot. You can bet we'll be in line the moment we can get H1N1 shots. My office is like a petrie dish right now since everyone is sick. I'm sure that I'm a sight with my hand sanitizer, anti-viral Kleenex, and Clorox wipes.

I'm actually motivating people at work to make healthier choices. That just makes this journey even more worthwhile. I am healthier, my kids are healthier, and now I am seeing other people take control of their health. It feels great to help others and not feel like this has been a selfish venture. I'll be participating in the Walk from Obesity, and some of my co-workers might be also. This is just a small way that I can give back. I hope the money raised will help others to overcome obesity, especially childhood obesity.

I feel like a completely different person than I was just last year. I feel like my authentic self again. For 10 years, I hid under all that fat. I lost my sense of self and any confidence I had. Now I am getting more confident everyday. I'm taking chances that I was too afraid to take before. I'm speaking my mind, and I'm not letting anyone push me around. I'm enjoying life again. I'm playing with my kids, going swimming, riding roller coasters, etc. I'm shopping and actually liking it. I still can't fathom that I can shop in any store in the mall now. If I walk into Lane Bryant or the plus size department at Macy's, they don't give me the time of day. Isn't that great? And I am no longer called M'am. People call me Miss! That feels great. I get hit on now. Sometimes I take it as a compliment, and other times I get pissed off about it. I actually got free coffee at Starbucks the other day. I felt like asking if I were still over 300 lbs would they have given me a free drink. It still made my day though. LOL

Ok, so I am doing great with the weight loss, but my health is crap right now. So this post is probably going to come off bitchy.

As of today, I am down 142 lbs. I wear a size 8, but it's a little roomy. Time to go shopping again. LOL. I am really thinking that I'll need an arm lift and a tummy tuck. But that will have to come much later. I only have 16 lbs to go until I am at my doctor's goal weight. I still take all my supplements (chewable multivitamins, sublingual b-12, powdered calcium citrate w vitamin D, benefiber, prescription potassium) and get in 80-100 mg of protein including pudding that I make with protein powder.

I ended up being hospitalized for the pneumonia for 3 days. I'm still using 2 inhalers, Advair and albuterol. At least I am not on antibiotics anymore. My potassium, which I already have to take medication for, dropped critically low while I was in the hospital. I ended up having to get potassium through an IV which was so painful. My whole arm ached and felt like it was on fire. Then the IV started leaking, so they had to start a new one in my hand. Once they started up the potassium through my hand, it was completely unbearable. I cried and screamed, so they ended up having to dilute it. Why didn't they do that first????

I was finally able to go back to work and to go on our vacation to FL. I was able to breathe so easily down there on the beach. I also found out that the Starbucks locations down there are in a test market that doesn't use Sugar Free flavorings and adds a "thickening syrup" (sugar) to their drinks. I found this out after the barista gave me my drink which I order up here a couple times a month with no problem. I noticed right away that it tasted way too sweet. I ended up getting sick after drinking that little bit, and my husband asked them what they put in it and why they didn't prepare it as I ordered it.  That was fun. Totally ruined one day of our trip.

I passed out at the park yesterday. It happened all of a sudden. I had no clue, until it was too late. It happened again this morning. So I went to my PCP, and was told to eat more sugar. WTF??? He didn't check my blood sugar or do any labs or tests. I reminded him that I had RNY and that I can't have sugar. He told me I had to start incorporating it into my diet. That was the last straw, so I am looking for a new PCP. I'm open to anyone in Jasper, Canton, Cumming or Woodstock.

I've got an appointment with my dietician on Thursday to see if there is anything wrong with what I am eating.

In the meantime, I still have an enlarged thyroid, extremely thin hair, aching all over, brusing very easily, lingering fatigue from the pneumonia, and fainting that I can't explain. Lovely.

I'm 8 mos post-op as of tomorrow. I'm down 135 lbs, and I only have 23 more to go. I'm wearing 8's & 10's, and I even bought and wore a dress from the juniors dept. I've changed my workout routine. I canceled my Curves membership because they shortened their hours of operation, and I didn't feel like the workout was very effective anymore. I've joined Bodyplex, and I'll be getting a personal trainer soon. I've been to White Water several times this summer and wore a swimsuit. I even went on some of the slides. I'm still getting 80-100g of protein a day including a protein shake or protein pudding. I still take my vitamins every day.

I found out yesterday that I have pneumonia. It's the craziest thing. I had a nagging cough, and then on Thursday night I couldn't sleep or breathe well because of it. So I went to the doctor on Friday morning fully intending on going to work afterwards. I only felt a little tired, but the cough was worse. As soon as he listened to my lungs, he said I had pneumonia in my left lung. And the x-ray confirmed it. Crap!! So I am not able to work until at least Tuesday or Wednesday. I also have to go to the pulmonolgist. I had more trouble breathing last night and my chest hurt so bad. I have no energy today. I couldn't even get my scrapbooking stuff out of the closet because I am so weak. Hopefully the antibiotics and cough medicines will do the trick, and I'll be back to normal soon.

My doctor also thinks that I may have an underlying autoimmune disease, possibly lupus. So I have to go to a specialist for that, too.

I am down to 188 pounds, so I only have 38 pounds to left to lose. WOW! I never thought I'd even be this size again. The shorts in my 6 mos picture are size 10 and the shirt is size L.

I can do anything I want now! I have been to Six Flags for the first time in years. I can play on the playground with my kids. I actually jumped from a swing and climbed a rock wall. I love to go shopping for clothes and shoes. I actually care about my makeup and hair now. I'm not the biggest person in the room anymore. I don't worry about going places or whether or not I can fit at a booth in a restaurant or if a chair will hold me.  My daughter can wrap her arms around me. My husband loves to show me affection. I have strangers complimenting me and telling me that I am pretty. I've not heard that in so long. It feels great!

I have so much more energy now. My health is really good. All the co-morbidities I had as a pre-op are gone. I've had some strange little issues along the way, but nothing that couldn't be fixed.

The only regret I have is that I didn't have the surgery sooner. For the longest time, I was in denial. My feelings were hurt whenever someone suggested surgery, especially if it was a doctor. Once I finally came to terms with everything, I made the best decision I've ever made. I chose life and had the surgery.

I am a little over 4 mos post-op now, and I have lost 90 lbs.

I will be 3 months post-op in 2 days. As of today, I weigh 239. That's down 60 lbs since my surgery and down 69 lbs from my highest weight. I am struggling with some medical issues right now. I am extremely fatigued and dealing with anxiety and depression. I recently found out that I have critically low potassium which could be causing all my problems. I am taking a huge horse pill for it. Luckily, it dissolves quickly. I am going for my 3 mo follow up appt in 2 days. Hopefully, we can get everything straightened out.

I am now six weeks post-op, and I am gradually incorporating regular food. No steak or rice, no skins on veggies or fruits.

I have lost a total of 42 pounds, 9 of which were pre-op.

Happy with this, but not completely. I know I need to do a better job with my protein and water intake.