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OMG, I am freaking out!!!!! 8 Days until surgery!!! I am terriffied!!!!  I know I want and need this, but I am so sacred of complications.  It seams that the boards are more negative lately.  Or maybe I am just noticing the negativity more, I don't know.  The anesthesiologist from the hospital called on Friday and I missed it.  Listened to the message and got a sinking feeling in my stomach with butterflies @ the same time.  UGH!!!  It really made me realize how real this is.  
     I had another conversation with my hubby and he is so supportive. I have been acting a little (ok ALOT) more secluded/introverted than usual this week and he just let me know he supports me and will help me in anyway.  I hope he still feels that way afterwards, lol. When I am grumpy and more hormonal than I am now.  I found out that my mom has taken off work and will be there at the hospital with me too. I was kinda suprised but very happy.  She didn't come when I had my lap band placed. Maybe she just thought it was a less risky surgery. I don't know.  
     I have a feeling this week is going to fly by, both because I am nervous and because my schedule is VERY busy.  Work Monday, Jury Duty on Tuesday, Pre-Op and work on Wednesday, Work on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Sunday Pack and prepare and then BAM! The day I change my life!!!!! WOW!!! My stomach just did another flip. 

I just have to keep talling myself, I CAN DO THIS!!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!

Today I was looking at the calendar and realized my surgery date is creeping up quicker than I expected.  I am getting really nervous.  All I have done today is question the whole idea of surgery.  Do the risks outweight the benifits? Will I be successful? Do I need to give myself more time to lose it on my own? I really know the answers to these questions or I would not have gotten this far. I know this is fear talking.  Just feeling a littel overwhealmed today.  I want to be happy and healthy and the only way I see to do this is to have the surgery.  On the other hand, my husband married me fat and although we had the "I will love you no matter what" conversation, some things he said made me worry a little. He said when I lost weight with the sleeve I lost my breasts (I didn't have much to lose, but he is right). Although I did not with the sleeve, he worries I will lose my buttocks, lol. And he has verbalized concern for the saggy skin.  He says he is worried it will make me just as self conscious as being overweight.  I guess after 20 years together he knows me, because he is probably right, lol.  Anyway, then there was a post the other day that has me concerned.  I guess it has been proven that having the sleev or any other WLS after the band has less success and slower weight loss.  UGH!!!! Any weight losss would be great, but is it worth it if I am already set up not to be successful???!!!!! I just don't know.  Although busy at work today, I have been preoccupied with my own thoughts of surgery and doubt.  I am afraid the closer I get the worse it may get and I need to get a grip on this!

I was getting ready for bed last night and really wanted a nice hot bubble bath.  Unfortunately, I don't really fit in the tub enough to "enjoy" it.  It got me thinking.  There are so many things I want to do or be able to enjoy.  My list grew longer and longer as I thought about it.  So, I thought I would jot some down so later I can look back and hopefully check them off. 

I want .........

1. to fit in tub comfortably
2. to go to an amusement park with my son, and ride the rides
3.  to wear a dress again
4. to drive without the steering wheel rubbing my stomach
5. to see my feet when I look down
6. have my son give me a hug and be able to reach all the way around
7.  to wear a bathing suit and not be embarassed
8.  to shop in a normal store for clothes instead of a catalog or "woman's" store
9.  to ride a go cart and race my son
10. not have to wear a belt extension

well, these are just a few. I think as I think of them I will just have to add to the list, lol. 

Woohoo!!!! I have a date!!!!! I have actually had a date for a week or 2, but never really felt like anyone read my blog so why bother writing.  I have decided I need to blog for my own benefit, even if no one reads it at all.  So, I will be sleeved on June 11th!!!!! I am sooooo excited. Terrified, but excited!!!!!   It still seams far away, but I know the next few weeks are going to just fly by, ugh!!!! I spoke with my coordinator today to get things all ready and found out that my doctor does not require a pre-op diet. It seams strange to me, but he has his reasons. He says that if you set limits before, then the month of liquids, puree and soft foods can be too much.  Well, this may be true, but I have also heard that carb detox before surgery helps with cravings after. So, that being said, I am just trying to watch my calories and decrease my carbs.  I hope it helps. 

I have had quite a bit of anxiety the closer I get to sending in my paperwork for approval by the insurance company.    I thought I was handling my anxiety better today until this afternoon. A co-worker was joking around with me, but sent my anxiety into a tailspin! I have a pretty good looking husband, if I do say so myself,  and over the weekend my SIL posted some pics from her bday party when we went dancing on fb. A particular pic got quite a bit of attention from the woman on both of our friends lists (it was a pic of the 2 of us) but they were all saying how "good he looked", "who was the movie star I was hanging out with?", etc. I am used to all this, and I know my hubby loves me so I am not threatened by it, but a few comments really got to me. One was, “WOW, how did you get such a hot husband?“ Really, just because I am fat means I can't get the attention of a hot guy?! The other one that always freaks me out is “you better watch out, someone is going to come along and steal him!“ So, while at work today, one of my co-workers and fb friends sees me and says, “WOW girl, your hubby is really good looking!!!! If after your surgery he decides he still likes fluff instead of skinny, tell him I am his girl!!! lol“ WTF!! She was laughing, but I was going crazy in my head!!!! This is one of my biggest fears!!! I have always been fat, my hubby married me fat! Will he still love me if I get skinny? He has made comments about others that he feels are too skinny or lost too much weight. What if I am no longer who he wants? What if I live through surgery and actually succeed in weightloss? I know it sounds silly, but it is a huge fear of mine right now.

Who the HELL cares as long as it a works!!!!!  Earlier today someone told me that WLS was just a bandaid and she was choosing to do it on her own.  I kept my mouth shut because frankly you will never get those against it to understand untill they are in your shoes.  What I wanted to say was, "I wish you all the luck and I hope you are truly successful, but when you see pics of me or in person down the street 5 years from now and you are still trying to lose the weight and I look FANTASTIC, DON'T ask how I did it!!!!!!!  I will keep my bandaid, you keep your dreams!!!!!!

I got a call today from the Psych Dr. office.  The doctor suddenly will not be in the office next week after I have waited a month for my appt.  I have one more nutritionist consult next week and then my psych eval was the last piece before sending into insurance. Now, I have to wait another week!!!! Ugh!!!!! Wait , wait, wait!!!!! All my life I have waited to be skinny and healthy.  Still not sure if I will even be approved (one of my previous posts) but I can't even find out till I get everything done. SIGH!!!! Well, I guess it is only another week, but it sure seam like forever.  On a positive note, I am still losing and have lost 2 more pounts towards my next goal!!!! Woohooo!!!!

I did a dance on the scale this morning!! For the first time in a long time, I loved my scale. I just wanted to lean down and kiss it, lol. My first 10 pounds gone!!! I may be at risk for denial from my insurance for revision, but I can't just sit around and wait for something to happen.  If I get approved, I will celebrate.  If I get denied I am determined to lose weight. I am so tired of being tired. So tired of being out of breath with my daily routine. I can do this. I will do this!!!! I am such a high!!! Its been a LONG time since the scale went down instead of up!!!!!  Now on to my next goal, 10 more pounds!!!!!!!

     I had my lap band placed in December of 2007.  For a little over a year, I did ok, lost weight, felt great, and then disaster.  I started having trouble with reflux, respiratory problems and pretty severe lung infections. No one could figure out why.  After 6 months of the doctors not believing me when I said it was my band, I finally just begged for them to deflate my band and start over.   Each time I got a fill the same thing happened. I would cough through the night, have severe heartburn in the morning and would have to use my inhaler every couple of hours. After 6 more months, I was done.  I had them take out all the water and gave up. 
     Now, 3 years later, I have gained all my weight back and have allowed my addiction to food and emotional eating to control my life again. Each time I got fed up, dieted, lost weight for a while, then gained it all back.  The yo-yo diets were back.  I cannot stand it any more.This was supposed to be my life changing event. I was supposed to be skinny by now.  What happened? Did I fail or the band. Either way, I am back to square one.  
     So,  I have taken the bull by the horns.  I am on the road to revision GOD willing. I have one more nutritional visit and then time to beg for coverage from insurance. Unfortunately, this week my coordinator informed me that she has recently gotten many denial letters for other patients from the insurance company I have.   If they deny me, even after I have jumped through their hoops, then I will just have to appeal.  I am doing this! I am not giving up!!! Thankfully, neither is my coordinator!!!!