mom4sadie
Post Chemo and RNY...
Mar 06, 2010
Well, it has certainly been awhile since I posted anything on here... wow. October seems so long ago. So much water has passed under my bridge!!! No one probably even cares if I post this... but maybe it will be theraputic nonetheless for me. LOLI had my last chemo treatment on jan. 20th. (6 treatments total) Then had to have another blood transfusion on Feb. 5th. I ended up having to have three of them over the course of my 4 month treatment cycle. None of it was fun.. but if it is life saving... It will be worth it.
Sometimes I don't think i can wrap my head around all the stuff that has impacted my life since April 2008. i thought it was hard to get my head wrapped around RNY.. then get it wrapped again around cancer... then chemo... now RNYCANCERCHEMO and Post chemo... waiting for the next 5 years for the shoe to drop again... It is all sooo overwhelming.
It has been overwhelming watching your hair fall out.. and not just the hair on your head falls out.. (in case no one ever told you that). Even my eyelashes fell out. you can't look in the mirror without being reminded you have cancer (even if you have your wig on... cause you have no eyelashes.. but I was lucky to have thick eyebrows and managed to maintain a few of them.. but it looks weird. i find myself wondering if i'll ever see myself as anything other then a cancer patient!!! You know your hair is gone, but every time you look in the mirror it is almost like you realize it all over again!!! Don't get me wrong. I am still grateful that mine was caught early, that mine was treatable and maybe even hopefully cured... but I won't get ahead of myself there. (if any cancer survivors.. or people going through it right now want to talk.. e-mail me at [email protected] put subject line.. OH reponse to your blog I'd love to talk to others.)
right before I was diagnosed with cancer I had finally made peace with myself (somewhat) that I would no longer be a gastric bypass victim but become a gastric bypass survivor... I am wondering now if i can climb the mountain to make it true with cancer??? i guess we'll see if my hiking boots still fit... LOL
Ok.. enough about cancer.;. this is OH afterall not cancer line.. my RNY is ok. I am struggling with eating way tooo many carbs. They are the only thing that sits well. Meats do not for the most part.. and while in treatment I had to eat cause they didn't want me to lose any weight.. which was tough cause my mind kept saying... LOSE THE WEIGHT! It was crazy! Now all I want to do is eat... and I think a lot of that is now habit.. and emotional.. cause people let me tell you... I AM A WRECK! People tell me all the time how well I've done through this and/or how good I am looking... but if they only knew!! I am reminded at this moment as i said that of the picture a guy drew of me in college.. many years ago... He was to draw a picture of an animal that he thought represented me.. he drew me as a duck! i was thinking daffy duck when he said it.. but he had drawn a mallard and this was his response when asked..."Deborah looks so smooth and calm and graceful as she glides across the water but if we could see underneath her feet are pedaling 100 miles a minute to stay afloat!" Pegged me to the wall then... and NOW! I think and feel like I'm drowning... but I won't really ask for a life vest... why is that?> Is it cause I spent sooo much of my life overweight and feeling unworthy of saving? Maybe.... a lesson for another day.
i still have a long way to travel back... I need to get my behind back here to OH and see if I can figure my way back to a gastric bypass way of life... maybe that would be a good first step??? (scary huh?)
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About Me
Williamsburg, KY
Location
30.9
BMI
Surgery
10/13/2008
Surgery Date
Aug 17, 2008
Member Since
