mome23kjnc
unfortunate me.
Jan 27, 2011
I had surgery Monday afternoon to remove a gallstone from my bile duct, to take out my troublesome gallbladder, enlarge my ducts and snip my sphincter of oddi so stuff cant keep backing up there. I am in pretty bad pain, even today, controlled fairly well by dilaudid. Mostly when I breathe in even remotely deeply, it hurts. Not sure what exactly is hurting, but its related to breathing in. Getting better though.
I stayed one night in the hospital, which i didnt want to do. But I am glad I did it. I am learning to trust my Doctor, her instincts are usually pretty good. I had a "procedure" last Monday as well, three hours under anesthesia ought to count as surgery, but what do I know. ;) That was a failed ERCP. My doc had assigned a gastro doc to try, they had ordered a longer scope from a hospital downstate. While the scope got close, it made using the instruments inside it too difficult. so, I woke up with a mouthful of blisters, some serious throat soreness, and bummed to find it was worthless. I did manage to get my first tattoo, however, though no one will likely ever see it again, I can scratch that off my todo list of things to try in life.
In my Doctors discharge papers, I noticed she wrote "this is an unfortunate 43 yr old woman who has undergone repeat surgeries...". Unfortunate. I guess technically, I am. I have had complications that resulted from RNY done may 20th 2010. I left the hospital after 24 hrs, never took so much as a tylenol to combat pain, went grovery shopping the next day and back to work 2 days later. I thought I was cruising right along, but then in September, 4 months to the day after gastric bypass, I had my first surgery, to explore WHY I was having pain so severe I was barely making it to the ER, being drugged up good and solid, and sent home to await it happening again. I had a series of tests in august/Sept to see if this was gallbladder related, they were sure it wasnt. Ultrasounds and HIDA scans saw no evidence of stones. An exploratory lap was done, in which some adhesions were released and a small hernia repaired. But neither of these explained the severity of the pain. A clue we all missed was just HOW helpful actigall medicine was in the short time I was on it before the lap. I told my doc "its helping" and she told me it wasnt possible, because I simply didnt HAVE gallstones. I think I will mention to her to listen closely the next time a patient tells her that, it may have saved us countless hours in surgeries and me a lot of pain.
In any event, the lap surgery found little to explain the pain. I wanted to believe it was the hernia they found, and I was fine for awhile afterwards. But then in December, it started hitting again, wave after wave of mind boggling pain, directly beneath my lowest right rib, pain I could not handle, that even the dilaudid that I never used (but thankfully kept) after my RNY barely touched. I had ultrasounds and bloodwork, that showed liver function issues were getting bad. It was a saturday night the last time I was in the ER, and my Docs partner saw me. I signed myself out against medical advice, and went home, living on water and dilaudid for the week following. Had an MRCP, which unexplainably found multiple gallstones in a "very sick gallbladder" and a couple in my common bile duct to add some fun to the project. Stones in the bile duct can cause all kinds of troubles, including pancreatitis. My numbers were all screwed up, I was a sick puppy. walking like an old lady, kilted off center life like a 90 yr old grandma. Doc saw me and immediately scheduled me for surgery. FIRST, she told me, we had to get the stones out of my bile duct. They were dangerous, and she wanted them gone before they even considered taking the gb out. so she set me up with the gastro guy, and we spent a lovely three hours getting to know one another, but failed. My options were dwindling. The next step was going through my old stomach to do the ercp. That meant the possibility of a leak. I was afraid. But oh, was I sick. My mouth still full of blisters from the failed ercp, I checked myself in exactly a week later for the laparoscopic ercp/gb removal, etc. My doc had never done an ercp on an RNY patient. she is GOOD, world renowned for what she does. And yet, here was I, a guniea pig of sorts. here I thought she knew everything? someone has to get the short straw. That morning, she told me that a group of Docs happened to be visiting from Colorado or something that day, and that she had asked one if he had ever done the ercp through the old stomach. He said he had, and as she out it "days and days of reading everything I could get my hands on suddenly went out the window, it was perfect!" Timing is everything, I guess. Because of that chance encounter, a few quickly drawn diagrams (no, you arent alone if you are thinking "OMG!") she knew to "parachute some threads up through the wall to hold the stomach in place while we push through". I am still not clear completely, but I do know they sewed my stomach to my abdominal wall, I think permanentally, but I was a little foggy when she explained this to me.) They did the ercp, cut the sphincter of oddi, enlarged my ducts a bit, then snipped out the gallbladder. Doc says this was pretty heavy surgery, they used a trocar bigger around than my thumb, and gave me a beating. But I think it is over now, I sure hope so.
all this to say, I have had complications..the dreaded complications after RNY. I have lost 114 pounds, that with the vast majority of the time since september not being able to go to the gym. (My doc GETS that, too, by the way, she still tells me Im doing awesome) My body is full of healing, healed, and new holes. I think, in some ways, I qualify for "unfortunate". But I dont feel unfortunate. I feel lucky. I am a third smaller than I was. I play on the floor, I dont snore. I take great pride in my appearance (not today, mind you, underwire bras and multiple incisions do NOT go hand in hand) I pray that the pain of this new surgery will ease in the next few days. In 6 weeks, I will be cleared to go back...again...to the gym I came to love. I am strong, I am capable. I am feisty, I am fine. Im not unfortunate, in that I have a new life that is a second chance, and these "little things" I have to experience to get there are doable. I could wallow in them, but I wont. Im nowhere near "there " yet, but Im getting nearer. and I am happy, proud, and ready for whatever comes next.
Ps I can see ONE-derland...REAL close up.
0 comments
I stayed one night in the hospital, which i didnt want to do. But I am glad I did it. I am learning to trust my Doctor, her instincts are usually pretty good. I had a "procedure" last Monday as well, three hours under anesthesia ought to count as surgery, but what do I know. ;) That was a failed ERCP. My doc had assigned a gastro doc to try, they had ordered a longer scope from a hospital downstate. While the scope got close, it made using the instruments inside it too difficult. so, I woke up with a mouthful of blisters, some serious throat soreness, and bummed to find it was worthless. I did manage to get my first tattoo, however, though no one will likely ever see it again, I can scratch that off my todo list of things to try in life.
In my Doctors discharge papers, I noticed she wrote "this is an unfortunate 43 yr old woman who has undergone repeat surgeries...". Unfortunate. I guess technically, I am. I have had complications that resulted from RNY done may 20th 2010. I left the hospital after 24 hrs, never took so much as a tylenol to combat pain, went grovery shopping the next day and back to work 2 days later. I thought I was cruising right along, but then in September, 4 months to the day after gastric bypass, I had my first surgery, to explore WHY I was having pain so severe I was barely making it to the ER, being drugged up good and solid, and sent home to await it happening again. I had a series of tests in august/Sept to see if this was gallbladder related, they were sure it wasnt. Ultrasounds and HIDA scans saw no evidence of stones. An exploratory lap was done, in which some adhesions were released and a small hernia repaired. But neither of these explained the severity of the pain. A clue we all missed was just HOW helpful actigall medicine was in the short time I was on it before the lap. I told my doc "its helping" and she told me it wasnt possible, because I simply didnt HAVE gallstones. I think I will mention to her to listen closely the next time a patient tells her that, it may have saved us countless hours in surgeries and me a lot of pain.
In any event, the lap surgery found little to explain the pain. I wanted to believe it was the hernia they found, and I was fine for awhile afterwards. But then in December, it started hitting again, wave after wave of mind boggling pain, directly beneath my lowest right rib, pain I could not handle, that even the dilaudid that I never used (but thankfully kept) after my RNY barely touched. I had ultrasounds and bloodwork, that showed liver function issues were getting bad. It was a saturday night the last time I was in the ER, and my Docs partner saw me. I signed myself out against medical advice, and went home, living on water and dilaudid for the week following. Had an MRCP, which unexplainably found multiple gallstones in a "very sick gallbladder" and a couple in my common bile duct to add some fun to the project. Stones in the bile duct can cause all kinds of troubles, including pancreatitis. My numbers were all screwed up, I was a sick puppy. walking like an old lady, kilted off center life like a 90 yr old grandma. Doc saw me and immediately scheduled me for surgery. FIRST, she told me, we had to get the stones out of my bile duct. They were dangerous, and she wanted them gone before they even considered taking the gb out. so she set me up with the gastro guy, and we spent a lovely three hours getting to know one another, but failed. My options were dwindling. The next step was going through my old stomach to do the ercp. That meant the possibility of a leak. I was afraid. But oh, was I sick. My mouth still full of blisters from the failed ercp, I checked myself in exactly a week later for the laparoscopic ercp/gb removal, etc. My doc had never done an ercp on an RNY patient. she is GOOD, world renowned for what she does. And yet, here was I, a guniea pig of sorts. here I thought she knew everything? someone has to get the short straw. That morning, she told me that a group of Docs happened to be visiting from Colorado or something that day, and that she had asked one if he had ever done the ercp through the old stomach. He said he had, and as she out it "days and days of reading everything I could get my hands on suddenly went out the window, it was perfect!" Timing is everything, I guess. Because of that chance encounter, a few quickly drawn diagrams (no, you arent alone if you are thinking "OMG!") she knew to "parachute some threads up through the wall to hold the stomach in place while we push through". I am still not clear completely, but I do know they sewed my stomach to my abdominal wall, I think permanentally, but I was a little foggy when she explained this to me.) They did the ercp, cut the sphincter of oddi, enlarged my ducts a bit, then snipped out the gallbladder. Doc says this was pretty heavy surgery, they used a trocar bigger around than my thumb, and gave me a beating. But I think it is over now, I sure hope so.
all this to say, I have had complications..the dreaded complications after RNY. I have lost 114 pounds, that with the vast majority of the time since september not being able to go to the gym. (My doc GETS that, too, by the way, she still tells me Im doing awesome) My body is full of healing, healed, and new holes. I think, in some ways, I qualify for "unfortunate". But I dont feel unfortunate. I feel lucky. I am a third smaller than I was. I play on the floor, I dont snore. I take great pride in my appearance (not today, mind you, underwire bras and multiple incisions do NOT go hand in hand) I pray that the pain of this new surgery will ease in the next few days. In 6 weeks, I will be cleared to go back...again...to the gym I came to love. I am strong, I am capable. I am feisty, I am fine. Im not unfortunate, in that I have a new life that is a second chance, and these "little things" I have to experience to get there are doable. I could wallow in them, but I wont. Im nowhere near "there " yet, but Im getting nearer. and I am happy, proud, and ready for whatever comes next.
Ps I can see ONE-derland...REAL close up.
stats
Jan 16, 2011
lbs
in
Goal is
35 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
14 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
38 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
40 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
18 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is
12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
0 comments
in
Goal is35 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is14 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is38 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is40 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is18 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
in
Goal is12 in Set Goal: in Save Cancel
what I wish you knew
Sep 08, 2010
you are you and no one else
your journey will not be the same as my journey
we are not racing to the finish line
we are cheering one another on
when one of us falls we stop and lend a hand
when one of us makes it to goal
the rest of us cheer
Your end may be my beginning
your beginning may be my end
I can tell you how it is for me
but I cannot tell you how it will be for you
we are unique, imperfect,beautiful
and that is the only thing
we have in common that really matters
0 comments
your journey will not be the same as my journey
we are not racing to the finish line
we are cheering one another on
when one of us falls we stop and lend a hand
when one of us makes it to goal
the rest of us cheer
Your end may be my beginning
your beginning may be my end
I can tell you how it is for me
but I cannot tell you how it will be for you
we are unique, imperfect,beautiful
and that is the only thing
we have in common that really matters
10 weeks
Aug 09, 2010
I am 10 weeks out, and down a fair bit now. I am 38 pounds from being in the hundreds...and now know what ONEderland means. I am doing relatively well, although I have become a bit of a puker. A few times a week, usually trying a food I havent tried yet. Yesterday was steak..in a restaurant...yummy. But short-lived. LOLMy 14 yr old star football player son managed to get a compound fracture in his right hand 2 weeks ago, so we have had many many emergency room/pediatrician/orthopedic surgeon/OR visists of late. Surgery means no football....devastation. And he is the starting center, and it is his right hand, which will need major therapy, so...uh...Had a nice...ahem...LONG visit from the best friend AND the parents from out of town. I love them deeply, but I get exhausted enteratining for too long a stretch. I like my peace and quiet. BF has a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old grandchild...can you say NOISY..messy...but fun. I love them. Really, I do.I am learning to live with my new stomach and all its fun little quirks. Food has become somewhat boring, though, which isnt such a bad thing. A little more variety would be nice, and HOLY God Im sick of chilli. I manage fish well, but not chicken really. Shaved beef is ok, steak notsomuch. I "cheat" a little, and really dont worry about it, with bread sometimes. Like a quarer of a slice, or a bite of the roll in a steak and cheese. I am in the "I want to live and eat like a normal person, not diet my entire life" camp. I dont do greek yogurt, but I do use as many fat free sugar free foods as I can manage. Im working my way up to a nice salad soon. :) I have zero pain with the pouch, but a strange heartburny kinda feeling if I eat things like bread or chicken. My incisions are mere slits, not even red now. I have dropped more than 3 jeans sizes, a shoe size, bra sixes, shirt sizes, etc. My hair is feeling unhealthy, which is probably due to not ALWAYS getting the requisite amt of protein, Im trying, Mom, honest. I do my vitamins pretty well, and am proud of myself for sticking with it. I still do carnation w/2% milk for breakfast, just to be sure I get a good head start most days. The hair thing is weird, it isnt constant handfuls, more like a few strands every time I shower. It is a constant reminder to try harder on the protein/vits. People are noticing now. But it is funny, like they dont want to say "Youve lost weight!" I have heard a lot of "you look GOOD" and puzzled looks. I am learning to say thank you and leave it at that. I have suddenly discovered I am NOT invisible anymore. I think being very overweight must be like having a disability to some people, like they are told not to stare or ask questions, so they just kind of avoid you in general. Suddenly, people are looking me in the eye. Kinda nice, but odd. I remind myself how easy it would be to take attention a wrong way and allow myself to enjoy the attention TOO much. I also admit there is a little part of me that is angry...you didnt see me before, now suddenly you are all smiles? I resent that I was invisible for so long. And if I didnt think I was too much of a sucker for my own good, i MIGHT even consider flirting, just to smack em down. You didnt even know I was here when I was FAT, I just remind myself that my man loved me through it all, and He deserves my time and attention, so I flirt with him instead. :) I think sometimes we dont think enough about this new found sense of attractiveness, and it hits us pretty solidly, and it can actually be kinda dangerous if you dont pay attention. I am trying to balance owning a business, working my ass off, 3 kids from college to 6th grade, one with Down syndrome, one with terminal attitude issues, and one moping along dragging a cast across the floor. A beloved doggie with cancer and surgery tomorrow, and an elderly cat who keeps trying to sneak off to die (I think), only to be dragged back by the 12 yr old who adores her. School is starting soon, and as much as I love the schedulless summertime, I so look fwd to time to hit the gym without needing a sitter and 10 minutes to watch tv without having to schedule around Spongebob or ESPN. This was long, huh? sorry bout that. :)
0 comments
new emotions-pity, anger, sorrow
Aug 05, 2010
went out for a nice seafood dinner last night with dh and friends. About ten minutes after we sat down, a very very obese man was seated next to us. He was all alone, which struck me as very sad. I know that I would never have felt comfortable sitting in a restaurant alone eating when I was very large, and he was easily double my highest weight. My heart really went out to him, and I ate quietly, watching him tuck a plastic bib around his neck (no, he wasnt eating lobster) and devour a bucket of clams and a huge admirals platter of food.
He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and was literally hanging out all over. You could tell he was really savoring his food, licking his fingers and groaning. I wanted to run to him and tell him that he didnt have to eat alone, that he could sit with us, that I had just had surgery and that his life could change. Of course, I didnt. He may not want to hear that, he may be perfectly content with his life just like it is. But it broke my heart. And then someone said something about how his "boob" was hanging out of his sleeve and gross. And I wanted to cry. He just sat there eating away, ipod in his ears, oblivious....but I ondered if he really was just trying to find peace and eat without hearing anyones comments? No one was LOUD, but...it was almost as if he was fair game, and I was just aching for him. Teenagers can be cruel.
I find myself sort of between two worlds right now, which is strange, because I am still over 200 pounds. I have dropped over 75 pounds in the last yr, some before surgery, and really changed how I see food. But part of me is still the fat fat girl trying not to be noticed, blocking out the world while I hang with my best friend. I wanted so badly to reach out to him...and yet...shamefully...there was a part of me that was judging him, too. I was embarrassed that he strapped on the bib. what was he thinking? I was embarrassed that he ate probably enough for 5 people. And I was ashamed of my own feelings of disgust.
It was very confusing to me to feel that way. Like I am moving away from "one of US" to...being one of "them". I never want to be the one watching in disgust, I want to always have compassion and remember what this was like. But I have learned SO much, it is as though my brain has changed, and gluttony is disgusting to me now. That makes sense, we are trying to learn what normal is...and still, I feel guilty.
Today someone posted on FB about how they were at a concert and this "bigfat slob of a guy" was crowding their seats. And I defended the big guy, and said he probably didnt like being there, either.
I feel like something has changed in me, and that even though I am still fat, I am crossoing over to the other side in my feelings. I will be "there" soon, and I feel it. Like I switched parties or something, changed my stripes. But inside, I am still THAT girl, who once heard two little boys making backup noises behind me in walmart, as though I was a semi truck...beep beep beep...wide load. I have a feeling a big part of WLS for me is going to be the emotional aspect of letting go of that hurt. Not sure why Im posting this, except hoping maybe someone gets it...no one in my real life would.
5 comments
He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and was literally hanging out all over. You could tell he was really savoring his food, licking his fingers and groaning. I wanted to run to him and tell him that he didnt have to eat alone, that he could sit with us, that I had just had surgery and that his life could change. Of course, I didnt. He may not want to hear that, he may be perfectly content with his life just like it is. But it broke my heart. And then someone said something about how his "boob" was hanging out of his sleeve and gross. And I wanted to cry. He just sat there eating away, ipod in his ears, oblivious....but I ondered if he really was just trying to find peace and eat without hearing anyones comments? No one was LOUD, but...it was almost as if he was fair game, and I was just aching for him. Teenagers can be cruel.
I find myself sort of between two worlds right now, which is strange, because I am still over 200 pounds. I have dropped over 75 pounds in the last yr, some before surgery, and really changed how I see food. But part of me is still the fat fat girl trying not to be noticed, blocking out the world while I hang with my best friend. I wanted so badly to reach out to him...and yet...shamefully...there was a part of me that was judging him, too. I was embarrassed that he strapped on the bib. what was he thinking? I was embarrassed that he ate probably enough for 5 people. And I was ashamed of my own feelings of disgust.
It was very confusing to me to feel that way. Like I am moving away from "one of US" to...being one of "them". I never want to be the one watching in disgust, I want to always have compassion and remember what this was like. But I have learned SO much, it is as though my brain has changed, and gluttony is disgusting to me now. That makes sense, we are trying to learn what normal is...and still, I feel guilty.
Today someone posted on FB about how they were at a concert and this "bigfat slob of a guy" was crowding their seats. And I defended the big guy, and said he probably didnt like being there, either.
I feel like something has changed in me, and that even though I am still fat, I am crossoing over to the other side in my feelings. I will be "there" soon, and I feel it. Like I switched parties or something, changed my stripes. But inside, I am still THAT girl, who once heard two little boys making backup noises behind me in walmart, as though I was a semi truck...beep beep beep...wide load. I have a feeling a big part of WLS for me is going to be the emotional aspect of letting go of that hurt. Not sure why Im posting this, except hoping maybe someone gets it...no one in my real life would.
new stats
Aug 01, 2010
wt today 242
Waist
Size 50.50 inches (under flab)
now 49
NOW 48.5
goal is35 in
directly around belly button is 53 3/4
now 46?
now 48
in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 15
Now 15
16.5 in
Goal is12 in
NOW 14.5
now 14.5
10.5 in
Goal is14 in
NOW 10.5
now 93/4
51 " was 52.25 in
Goal is38 in
NOW 47.5
now
in
Goal is40 in
NOW 51
now 49
in
Goal is 18 in
NOW 28.5
now 26
17.5 was 19.5 in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 17.5
now 16
nape of neck across to upper lip is 20" (yes, Im measuring my face)
NOW 19
now 18.5
rt boob 23" around...wow
NOW 19.5
0 comments
Waist
Size 50.50 inches (under flab)
now 49
NOW 48.5
goal is35 in
directly around belly button is 53 3/4
now 46?
now 48
in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 15
Now 15
16.5 in
Goal is12 in
NOW 14.5
now 14.5
10.5 in
Goal is14 in
NOW 10.5
now 93/4
51 " was 52.25 in
Goal is38 in
NOW 47.5
now
in
Goal is40 in
NOW 51
now 49
in
Goal is 18 in
NOW 28.5
now 26
17.5 was 19.5 in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 17.5
now 16
nape of neck across to upper lip is 20" (yes, Im measuring my face)
NOW 19
now 18.5
rt boob 23" around...wow
NOW 19.5
new stats
Jul 23, 2010
Waist
Size 50.50 inches (under flab)
now 49
goal is35 in
directly around belly button is 53 3/4
now 46?
in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 15
16.5 in
Goal is12 in
NOW 14.5
10.5 in
Goal is14 in
NOW 10.5
51 " was 52.25 in
Goal is38 in
NOW 47.5
in
Goal is40 in
NOW 51
in
Goal is 18 in
NOW 28.5
17.5 was 19.5 in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 17.5
nape of neck across to upper lip is 20" (yes, Im measuring my face)
NOW 19
rt boob 23" around...wow
NOW 19.5
0 comments
Size 50.50 inches (under flab)
now 49
goal is35 in
directly around belly button is 53 3/4
now 46?
in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 15
16.5 in
Goal is12 in
NOW 14.5
10.5 in
Goal is14 in
NOW 10.5
51 " was 52.25 in
Goal is38 in
NOW 47.5
in
Goal is40 in
NOW 51
in
Goal is 18 in
NOW 28.5
17.5 was 19.5 in
Goal is 12 in
NOW 17.5
nape of neck across to upper lip is 20" (yes, Im measuring my face)
NOW 19
rt boob 23" around...wow
NOW 19.5
I am really frustrated
Jul 23, 2010
I am really frustrated. I am getting plenty of fluids, doing pretty well (60-70 g) with protein, and really crappy with calories. I just have no interest in eating, and even when I do, I struggle to get enough in. Im averaging about 450-550 a day. Today I am doing better, but only because it scared me. I have had about 500 calories already today. Mixed nuts, a 100 calorie pack of cheese, and half a chicken salad sandwich.
My nutritionist told me I am working out too much, 90 minutes a day 4 days a week plus treadmill at home. she said I should cut back to approx 200 minutes a week for now (I am 8 weeks out) I was embarrassed and then irritated. I would think exercising is GOOd for you, but she tells me I am burning too many calories and not consuming enough. I will work on that. I had a dizzy spell, which I have had every day lately, stepped off the treadmill, and as I stepped down I blacked out. Not for but a few seconds, but I got told in no uncertain terms that I cannot exercise so much until I can get my calories up.
Exercise folks...is it true that I am likely burning more than I am eating? I do 90 minutes of intense work, including a mile on the treadmill, 2 miles on the bike, and about 10 other machines, leg curls, lateral pulldowns, fly, rowing, chest press, tricep extension, leg entension, shoulder press, arm curl, back extension, and a bike that you use your hands to run. I do 30 reps on each, at varied weights that dont hurt me but stretch me out well, and end on a stairmaster for only 5 minutes at easy difficulty. It doesnt feel like too much, I really enjoy it. But I havent a clue how many calories that stuff burns...does anyone? I need to find some middle ground, and will start by trying to get my calories up this weekend so I can start again next week. Please help, I dont want to NOT exercise, I also dont want to kill the muscle I am trying to grow. But I damn sure dont wanna be falling off equipment like a drunk, either.
0 comments
My nutritionist told me I am working out too much, 90 minutes a day 4 days a week plus treadmill at home. she said I should cut back to approx 200 minutes a week for now (I am 8 weeks out) I was embarrassed and then irritated. I would think exercising is GOOd for you, but she tells me I am burning too many calories and not consuming enough. I will work on that. I had a dizzy spell, which I have had every day lately, stepped off the treadmill, and as I stepped down I blacked out. Not for but a few seconds, but I got told in no uncertain terms that I cannot exercise so much until I can get my calories up.
Exercise folks...is it true that I am likely burning more than I am eating? I do 90 minutes of intense work, including a mile on the treadmill, 2 miles on the bike, and about 10 other machines, leg curls, lateral pulldowns, fly, rowing, chest press, tricep extension, leg entension, shoulder press, arm curl, back extension, and a bike that you use your hands to run. I do 30 reps on each, at varied weights that dont hurt me but stretch me out well, and end on a stairmaster for only 5 minutes at easy difficulty. It doesnt feel like too much, I really enjoy it. But I havent a clue how many calories that stuff burns...does anyone? I need to find some middle ground, and will start by trying to get my calories up this weekend so I can start again next week. Please help, I dont want to NOT exercise, I also dont want to kill the muscle I am trying to grow. But I damn sure dont wanna be falling off equipment like a drunk, either.
my life is changing
Jul 20, 2010
in some ways, it is for the better. But I feel this thing inside of me, this overwhelming belief that i do NOT want to be treated badly by anyone, even the people I love most. I have discovered that I am a little bit bitchy when people are unkind, that I suddenly feel like I dont deserve to be treated badly. I never DID, but now I know...I dont have to take it. Unfortunately, this seems to be extending to my very close personal relationships...and I am sad. I am also angry. someone I love has a burgeoning problem with alcohol, and it is rushing headlong into a real problem. and the alcohol is bad enough, but the meanness that comes with it is more than I can handle. I just will not tolerate being treated badly. I dont know if this is my surgery making me bolder, or just me finally feeling stronger about myself. I deserve a better life. I am angry and emotional, sad and hurt beyond words. WHY do people turn to substances to get them through life? I used pepsi, it was my nemesis, but I let it go. It was destroying me. why cant people just see that for what it is and let go of their own demons? I know this, I am becoming too strong in myself to tolerate being anybodys verbal or physical punching bag. Not literally...at least not yet. But it has come close. And I am not in a forgiving kind of mood.
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7 weeks
Jul 11, 2010
I had surgery 7 weeks ago last Thursday. I thought I would post up for the folks getting ready to start the journey, to give you a real taste of what is coming.
The vast majority of the time, I am so glad I had this surgery. even on the days that I am sad or confused or whatever, there are great moments of "WOW" to go with the bad. Would I have it again? Most likely. But there are things I wasnt prepared for, really. Like HOW limited your choices are for awhile. How food really loses its appeal and things taste different. How hard it is to find anything good to eat at any little convenience store or even some restaurants. Now, things are getting better all the time, but it is still a struggle to find FAST type foods on the run. I have managed to get past the worst of eating in restaurants, finally, I am learning what works for me. I have discovered that even one bite of something like...ohhh, say, a homemade french fry...can make you wish you were dead, lol. The pain is a reminder to NOT do it. I discovered that even "weightloss" foods can have higher sugars than you think and even if you think you KNOW...read the label. I have learned that my family will want to protect me, and will remind me to "be careful" and that instead of being grateful, sometimes I am just annoyed. And thats ok, too.
I have learned that i still LOVe to cook a great meal for my family, and also that I can sneak healthier foods into them if I try. I have learned eating healthy can be expensive, but that eventually, you get the extra things laid in..like SF ketchup and jelly. That I CAN eat bread, sometimes. and others not. Toasted works well, if I really want bread. But most of the time...gasp...I dont. I have learned that it can hurt and be very uncomfortable to eat things that dont agree with me, and that my stomach sings a new song these days, and reacts as though every bite is being dropped into a vat of bubbles...grumble bubble bubble. I have learned that I LOVE...really and truly...working out. That my ipod and I can have a really good time, and that sweat is a measure of devotion. I LOVe the gym...where the heck did THAT come from?
I have learned that diet soda..even just a taste...isnt good for me or comfortable...anymore. It is useless and I dont need it, plus...it adds to the bubbles and Im good, thanks. I have learned i really LIKE powerade zero, in grape. Im a one taste girl, who is learning to branch out.
I have learned that eggs are not my friend...then they are...then they arent. trial and error. I have learned that I can enjoy an ice cold water while my family has a dairy queen treat...and relish my ass fitting in the chair without touching...crazy. I have learned that my closest friends are handing me down things they have outgrown, and though they are happy for me, I want to teach myself to shut up and stop talking about "my surgery" because I can see the sadness in their eyes...I am smaller than them for the first time ever. I have learned how fun it is to show my shirt label to a friend and know it is three sizes smaller than it was 7 weeks ago. Jeans are 3 sizes smaller. Bras are, too.
I have learned that even though my man has always told me I am beautiful, that his hand has been finding the curve of my waistline more often at night, and he is feeling hip bones and ribs that have been hidden for years. I have also discovered that chairs feel REALLY strange with less butt padding...weird. I have learned that if you are going to vomit after eating, you have time to get to the bathroom, because your stomach sort of progresses through..."oops...bubble bubble...I feel ill...I may need to get to the bathroom...hmmm, am I gonna puke?....oh, wow, that doesnt really hurt. Oh, that actually feels better. Im good" BUT...if you are gonna have the runs, you better MOVE it, baby. ;)
I have learned that I can have a certain amt of sugar grams, but if I get close to too many, my body knows it fairly quickly. Fat is another story. My body doesnt LIKE fat, and responds quickly. French fries...yeah. Not so much.
I have learned that it can be boring, at first, to eat the same foods all the time. And that it takes bravery to branch out. But that with time and practice, you can learn to eat again. But you get full FAST. I have learned to ask for a "diabetic menu" so as not to have to explain everytime. I have learned that I like my shrinking size better than anything I ever put on my plate. and that even though it sucks sometimes, I would rather see the scale going down then the food going down. I have learned *I* am still in here, somewhere, and I am itching to get out. Im still fun, Im still adventurous, and I am regaining confidence. I have learned that people are genuinely happy for me...especially the ladies at Fashion Bug...who see me coming and smile. I have learned to counter the folks who say this was the easy way out with "how many times have YOU been to the gym this week?" I have learned that I can handle this, but that it is NOT easy, and likely never will be. But I am happy that I did it. and I hope my message will help you in your journey, too.
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The vast majority of the time, I am so glad I had this surgery. even on the days that I am sad or confused or whatever, there are great moments of "WOW" to go with the bad. Would I have it again? Most likely. But there are things I wasnt prepared for, really. Like HOW limited your choices are for awhile. How food really loses its appeal and things taste different. How hard it is to find anything good to eat at any little convenience store or even some restaurants. Now, things are getting better all the time, but it is still a struggle to find FAST type foods on the run. I have managed to get past the worst of eating in restaurants, finally, I am learning what works for me. I have discovered that even one bite of something like...ohhh, say, a homemade french fry...can make you wish you were dead, lol. The pain is a reminder to NOT do it. I discovered that even "weightloss" foods can have higher sugars than you think and even if you think you KNOW...read the label. I have learned that my family will want to protect me, and will remind me to "be careful" and that instead of being grateful, sometimes I am just annoyed. And thats ok, too.
I have learned that i still LOVe to cook a great meal for my family, and also that I can sneak healthier foods into them if I try. I have learned eating healthy can be expensive, but that eventually, you get the extra things laid in..like SF ketchup and jelly. That I CAN eat bread, sometimes. and others not. Toasted works well, if I really want bread. But most of the time...gasp...I dont. I have learned that it can hurt and be very uncomfortable to eat things that dont agree with me, and that my stomach sings a new song these days, and reacts as though every bite is being dropped into a vat of bubbles...grumble bubble bubble. I have learned that I LOVE...really and truly...working out. That my ipod and I can have a really good time, and that sweat is a measure of devotion. I LOVe the gym...where the heck did THAT come from?
I have learned that diet soda..even just a taste...isnt good for me or comfortable...anymore. It is useless and I dont need it, plus...it adds to the bubbles and Im good, thanks. I have learned i really LIKE powerade zero, in grape. Im a one taste girl, who is learning to branch out.
I have learned that eggs are not my friend...then they are...then they arent. trial and error. I have learned that I can enjoy an ice cold water while my family has a dairy queen treat...and relish my ass fitting in the chair without touching...crazy. I have learned that my closest friends are handing me down things they have outgrown, and though they are happy for me, I want to teach myself to shut up and stop talking about "my surgery" because I can see the sadness in their eyes...I am smaller than them for the first time ever. I have learned how fun it is to show my shirt label to a friend and know it is three sizes smaller than it was 7 weeks ago. Jeans are 3 sizes smaller. Bras are, too.
I have learned that even though my man has always told me I am beautiful, that his hand has been finding the curve of my waistline more often at night, and he is feeling hip bones and ribs that have been hidden for years. I have also discovered that chairs feel REALLY strange with less butt padding...weird. I have learned that if you are going to vomit after eating, you have time to get to the bathroom, because your stomach sort of progresses through..."oops...bubble bubble...I feel ill...I may need to get to the bathroom...hmmm, am I gonna puke?....oh, wow, that doesnt really hurt. Oh, that actually feels better. Im good" BUT...if you are gonna have the runs, you better MOVE it, baby. ;)
I have learned that I can have a certain amt of sugar grams, but if I get close to too many, my body knows it fairly quickly. Fat is another story. My body doesnt LIKE fat, and responds quickly. French fries...yeah. Not so much.
I have learned that it can be boring, at first, to eat the same foods all the time. And that it takes bravery to branch out. But that with time and practice, you can learn to eat again. But you get full FAST. I have learned to ask for a "diabetic menu" so as not to have to explain everytime. I have learned that I like my shrinking size better than anything I ever put on my plate. and that even though it sucks sometimes, I would rather see the scale going down then the food going down. I have learned *I* am still in here, somewhere, and I am itching to get out. Im still fun, Im still adventurous, and I am regaining confidence. I have learned that people are genuinely happy for me...especially the ladies at Fashion Bug...who see me coming and smile. I have learned to counter the folks who say this was the easy way out with "how many times have YOU been to the gym this week?" I have learned that I can handle this, but that it is NOT easy, and likely never will be. But I am happy that I did it. and I hope my message will help you in your journey, too.
