new emotions-pity, anger, sorrow

Aug 05, 2010

went out for a nice seafood dinner last night with dh and friends. About ten minutes after we sat down, a very very obese man was seated next to us. He was all alone, which struck me as very sad. I know that I would never have felt comfortable sitting in a restaurant alone eating when I was very large, and he was easily double my highest weight. My heart really went out to him, and I ate quietly, watching him tuck a plastic bib around his neck (no, he wasnt eating lobster) and devour a bucket of clams and a huge admirals platter of food.

He was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and was literally hanging out all over. You could tell he was really savoring his food, licking his fingers and groaning. I wanted to run to him and tell him that he didnt have to eat alone, that he could sit with us, that I had just had surgery and that his life could change. Of course, I didnt. He may not want to hear that, he may be perfectly content with his life just like it is. But it broke my heart. And then someone said something about how his "boob" was hanging out of his sleeve and gross. And I wanted to cry. He just sat there eating away, ipod in his ears, oblivious....but I ondered if he really was just trying to find peace and eat without hearing anyones comments? No one was LOUD, but...it was almost as if he was fair game, and I was just aching for him. Teenagers can be cruel.

I find myself sort of between two worlds right now, which is strange, because I am still over 200 pounds. I have dropped over 75 pounds in the last yr, some before surgery, and really changed how I see food. But part of me is still the fat fat girl trying not to be noticed, blocking out the world while I hang with my best friend. I wanted so badly to reach out to him...and yet...shamefully...there was a part of me that was judging him, too. I was embarrassed that he strapped on the bib. what was he thinking? I was embarrassed that he ate probably enough for 5 people. And I was ashamed of my own feelings of disgust.

It was very confusing to me to feel that way. Like I am moving away from "one of US" to...being one of "them". I never want to be the one watching in disgust, I want to always have compassion and remember what this was like. But I have learned SO much, it is as though my brain has changed, and gluttony is disgusting to me now. That makes sense, we are trying to learn what normal is...and still, I feel guilty.

Today someone posted on FB about how they were at a concert and this "bigfat slob of a guy" was crowding their seats. And I defended the big guy, and said he probably didnt like being there, either.

I feel like something has changed in me, and that even though I am still fat, I am crossoing over to the other side in my feelings. I will be "there" soon, and I feel it. Like I switched parties or something, changed my stripes. But inside, I am still THAT girl, who once heard two little boys making backup noises behind me in walmart, as though I was a semi truck...beep beep beep...wide load. I have a feeling a big part of WLS for me is going to be the emotional aspect of letting go of that hurt. Not sure why Im posting this, except hoping maybe someone gets it...no one in my real life would.

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