Maureen F.

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Hi all, just wanted to stop by and check in. It has been a little over 8 weeks since my surgery and I am still hanging in there. I do still feel emotional about the whole thing and still have second thoughts about what I did. I really do ask myself everyday why couldnt I do this on my own, but I guess I will never know. I need to just move on and accept this for what it is and use it to the fullest. I have good days and bad days, I still want food that I cant have and I have some break downs. But it is getting better and they are getting further and further apart.
 
I went back to work this week and it was hard. I work from 7pm until 7am and that was a big adjustment for me. For the past 8 weeks I have been on a normal day schedule and then BAM right back at it I go. Mentally I had a few bumps, I mean come on, I have been used to sleeping for 8 hours and up at 6 am, now it is sleep for 2-4 hours and up all night. Plus so many nights in the past while we had down time all I did was eat and eat and eat. I have to just get through all this and move forward.

I went cloths shopping at the Goodwill store the other day, and I could actually buy cloths. I started this whole process at a size 26 pants. I bought pants that range from 22-20. I cant believe it, I cant tell you the last time I was a size 20. Probally almost 10 years ago. I also had to get new work cloths, I wear mens dress pants at work and I was a size 52......yeah a SIZE 52 pants. UGH so depressing saying that. Now I am a SIZE 44 pant. REALLY a size 44???? I think I was a 44 before I got married almost 7 years ago. So I am seeing the changes but it is still hard for me to accept all this for what it is.

Well I am gonna go make dinner for the kids. and then a movie and bedtime!!! I will try to check back in from time to time, but no promises. This site is good for what it is worth but I cant make it my life like some have....it is toooooo depressing for me!!

WEll I met with the doc today for my one month followup, everything is going great. I am exactly where I am supposed to be according to him. I did talk to him about all the emotional issues that I have been having and how hard it was in the begining. He told me that this is all normal and that every person is different. He said just wait until I come back at my 3 month visit and I will be singing a different tune. I sure hope so.......I do feel better, and I cant wait to just get back to a normal life. I was cleared today to head back to the gym, not work yet I have to wait another two weeks for that. I need to build up mu muscle to be able to lift properly without getting hurt or hurting some one else.

I just wanted to check in and write this all down, I hope everyone else is doing well.

Hi all, whoever is out there reading this. I am just checking in to say hi and that I am doing ok. I am still having doubts and fears and that I am dealing with this the best I can. I am still dissapointed and frustrated. I have been moved up to 3/4 cup of food and have been cleared to try new things. This all helps but I am still mad that I want to go out with my family and enjoy food. I do still ask myself what the heck did I do? and am I really going to live like this? and my answer is YES!!! I did this and I am going to live like this. I cry occasionally and I get mad too but it is all getting better and will continue to get better. There is no turning back. I have looked into a reversal(yes already a reversal) but I dont see being approved for that anytime soon. I have found so much support and also have found who is fake and said they support and then dont. This blog is for myself and myself only. If others read it and comment THANK YOU!  if not no big deal. I need to do this for me and to help me get through this. I thought I was ready for all this and man no one got me reay for the mental part. That is something I have to do for myself. We are planing a Disney trip and I WANT TO FIT ON THE RIDES!!! Well I will stop back in from time to time to write more and say hi. Thanks Again.............

I have not been posting in a loooong tine. I have been dealing with my demons! My food demons. I have been having a reallly hard time emotionally! I think I cried just about everyday for the first 2 weeks and even had horrible panic attacks about food. About all the food I cant have, and that fact that I wanted food. I am now on 3 weeks post op and all my emotions have settled and my hormones have calmed but I still feel like something is wrong,I dont cry everyday anymoer ony once in a while, (which is normal for me)  I have yet to feel that full feeling. I have yet to feel satisfied when I eat. I am hungry ALLLLLL day long. And NO not with head hunger. My stomach growls and hurts like it does when your hungry. I have talked to both the office staff and my NUT and both are dumbfounded as to why I feel like this they just keep telling me maybe I need to go talk to some one and get help with my head. I am convinced IT IS NOT IN MY HEAD. I have stayed within the limits set my doc and his regimin, I know better then to stray. i dont want to hurt myself or end up back in the hospital. But I am ready to eat food. This all really sucks and I am very disapointed in the whole process right now. If I wanted to feel like this and feel like I was starving myself I would have just starved myself and not done this. I have actually thoguht about looking for doctors to reverse it. I do not want to give up on it. I want this tool to help me but if it is not gonna help me and just cause issues then why did I do this.

Also, if anyone is out there reading this please tell me is it normal to stall within the first month even when I am not eating!!! I lost 22lbs from the day of surgery until my 9 day check up, I have not lost a pound since and that was 2 weeks ago today.....is this normal. What the hell am I doing wrong? why did I do this to have it not work for me. Am I stuck like this forever??

this sucks!!

Ok well I am HOME!! 2 days in the hospital and one major surgery later and I am ready. I cant thank everyone enough for all the love and support. So many kind words and messages.

So day one found me in the pre op room ready to walk out and call it a day. I was tired, hungry and cranky and I didnt want to wait any longer. It took to long. LOL. Once they came in and said we were ready I lost it and started to cry. No time to panic though it was all lets move move move and away I went into the surgery suite. The last thing I remember is them giving me something to calm me down.........................

Then I woke up in the recovery room. I could not open my eyes, I was tooooo dizzy and felt so nauseous. I was in pain too, I am not gonna lie, not really bad pain but pain non the less. I asked for meds and they gave it to me right away and away I was asleep again. My husband came into the recovery room cause the room was not ready and I jsut ahd to hang out there for a while. Once in my room I was in and out of it. It was like 7 pm. I would wake for a few mins then sleep again, then wake and had some visitors and then sleep again, that went on for most of the night. I was up walking that night, the RN was awesome and so helpful. My BP dropped al little and she put me back into bed for the night.

Day two started off with me yelling at the AM nurse. I was told by the PM nurse not to get out of bed till my BP was checked. Well at 8 am some guy came in my room and told me to walk out to the hallway to the stretcher so I could have my test done. I told him NO! and why not he went to get the RN and she came in and tried to muscle me into getting up and making me feel bad about not getting up, I let my outside voice inside for just a min, and told her what was going on and that this was not acceptable. Lets just say things were seen my way. So I had the swallow test and it all looked good and I was taken back to my room and ready to walk again. I had not hit my pain button in almost 8 hours by this point so they stopped it and gave me liquid tylenol. It tasted horrible.


So I was up and at em now on day 3 and ready to go home. Still up walking, all the docs and RNs come in the room and call me the superstar. What can I say, I am an overachiever! They came in and dishcarged me around 10 am but I had to wait for the NUT to come in with the final instructions. That felt like it toooook forever. My hubby came to get me and I was out of there.......I am now home and ready for this wild ride. I am scared to death and excited all at the same time.

Thank you all for the support and kind words. We can all use eachother now to lean on.

Mo

Ok so here goes nothing.................

2 hours till surgery, I will keep you all posted on whats going on. Thank you all for the well wishes and prayer. God Bless and talk to you soon................

Well it is less then 24 hrs to go and I am really nervous. Not as bad as I have been but still nervous. I have been getting calls and texts from so many people and I cant thank them enough, yet I have not heard from my 2 best friends. I actually havent heard from them in a few weeks. I am really bummed out cause I thought we were close but I guess I was wrong. Oh well here goes nothing.................

Ok so I think that I found one of my main triggers for food. FATIGUE!! I am back at work after a few days off and man was I tired last night and CRANKY!! Everyone was eating pizza, and motz sticks and cheese steaks......and I wanted one!! I did not have any but I wanted one. I called my husband crying having a panic attack AGAIN! How pathetic am I that I am crying over food.....and GOd love him, he is trying to be supportive but he always tried to just say the right things but they come out wrong. I think if I just had some re assurance that I will be able to eat normal foods just in smaller portions or SF versions I will be ok but I am so scared of the unsure afterwards. Today I woke up after a GREAT nap at work feeling better and semi motivated again....still a little bummed but better. as the day goes on I think i will be ok. I go to the Doc for my final clearance from my PCP tomorrow and I am gonna talk to her about all this and I think I may call the NUT as well tomorrow and talk to her about all this. AM I NORMAL?? or AM I LOSING MY MIND.........................

Well today is 7 days until the surgery, I have pre admission testing and a final meeting with the surgeon. May is my head playing games with me. I just wish I could sleep the nest week away. I have points in the day when I want to call and cancel the whole thing and there there are points when I KNOW I can do it. But right now is OK.

I just had another BIG fight with the hubby, I blew up over nothing and everything that I have been holding in came out. I feel so bad. I am just in a tough spot right now. I am working my a** off right now, I am trying to do the liquid diet and I am trying to hold it all together. My poor head is going to explode!!!! I just want it all to be over with and done already. Maybe I just need to sleep morethen 1.5 hours a day!