monie
5 year surgiversary
Jun 09, 2012
You don't realize just how truly unhealthy you are until something like seeing a doctors report that you are "mordidly obese". I was almost 31 years old at the time of surgery and to see the worde MORBID was a serious wake up call. When I asked as a last ditch effort to try one more diet, my doctor handed me the truth "do you understand how much weight you need to lose?" and "given your history with bingeing its not going to happen"
In some ways, I do feel mad at myself for doing such damage to my body, but at least there was a tool out there to help. I was very fortunate to have my family on board to support me once I booked the surgery. Most friends did as well but I did lose some who couldn't grow with me. Its okay because looking back, those people didn't have my best interests in mind and I have gained many more new friends post op.
After surgery, I started doing things I wanted to do before but just couldn't..you know, like walk up a flight of stairs and not be winded and say I was too full not to have another serving.
Thoughts of failure and doubt started to be replaced with support and belief in myself. Those close to me embraced, encouraged, and celebrated with me. To this day, I think often about a motto my cousin Jen said to me a year out "its not that you can't, its that you won't" It was so true, that I was so used to giving up that sometimes I just didn't even try. She stayed with me during a 5k hike up a hill in Lake Louise, Alberta which is one of my proudest moments post surgery. Now I like trying new things and being inspired by others to work towards these types of challenges!
However, years of being obese and unhealthy (please understand the 2 don't always go hand in hand, there are plenty of overweight and healthy/skinny and unhealthy) tend to play on your mind...Old habits creep in, old thoughts of failure reappear, there is some weight regain, and lets face it...shit starts to sag along with loose skin. This year in particular, I really beat myself up over these things to the point it was abusive and I was ashamed of my body.
Finally during meditation during an exercise class, I thought ...ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE!!!!! Want better for yourself but stop beating yourself up in the process. Be grateful for your life, accept new challenges, persevere and embrace your health. Live life and celebrate your journey.
I am finally at the point after so many years of accepting and loving who I am.
Been a while
Jul 27, 2010
I also struggle from time to time with things and often need to remind myself that this needs to be a way of life for the rest of my life. I was not used to getting attention from men, from getting so many compliments, or being able to get out and do some of the things I can do now. That is something that years of living life before surgery will take years of living life after surgery will continue to work on.
I make so many excuses like it is almost a sabotage...There are times I have to argue with myself to go to the gym or exercise and when I rationalize enough that there is no excuse not to, I feel like an idiot for having to do that in the first place. I was given a tool to help me lead a much healthier life. Not everyone gets that opportunity...there are several who don't get the option of wl surgery, smokers, alcoholics, and drug addicts don't have a surgery to help with their addictions. It does not change my financial situation, or overall factors, but it sure has made me a better person. Now to figure out why I fight this change sometimes?
Just checkin in with an update
Nov 02, 2008
They say that some people complain after having the surgery about the excessive skin. While I do have the excessive skin and yes it isn't always easy to look at...I am grateful to have a second chance at living my life. No one else with addictions (like drugs or alcohol) has the opportunity to have a surgery as an aid to change their life. They didn't have a 40,000 dollar surgery covered by the health system so that they may not present more significant healthcare costs down the road.
I feel like I literally was given a second chance to live my life.
I love the fact that I can chase after my niece and nephews. I love that I can go to the gym and do the exercise classes. I loved being confident enough to hike, canoe, and whitewater raft on my trip out west this summer. I love the fact that I want to do this again! I love shopping for clothes now and the fact that I have to make decisions over what to buy. I love the fact that I can go to work/ out places and not have to sit down from my back or knees aching. I love not having swollen feet so that my shoes can fit comfortably. I love how my family and true friends have embraced these changes in my life with me and are so proud. Mostly, I love the fact that I feel healthy.
This journey is no "cop out" and has been work and a huge lifestyle change...it is something I continue to work at. Learning how to take compliments better, learning that there are leftovers! (used to never have that problem too much) and that they will last more than one extra meal sometimes, learning to work on self confidence, learning how to eat healthy, learning to avoid emotional eating...just a few of the changes to look in to.
It can be frustrating when you hit plateaus or don't see changes. There are times that you think this may be the end of the weight loss. I do try to stay positive and work hard. In life, there is always room for improvement.
I do love this journey...
One year out
Jun 24, 2008
I also spoke with my surgeon and the nurse who went over the health changes I have had. I am down 119 pounds and my BMI has gone from 51 to 33!!! I discussed some issues about the excessive skin and am going to start researching plastic surgery to see if I want to invest in that change. The surgeon told me the honeymoon phase is over and now the marriage stage kicks in...it can be incredible if you work hard at it, and he was pleased with the hard work I have done thus far.
I tried on some clothes from before the surgery just to see how far I have come. Many things draped on me and at that moment, I cried with seeing how much weight is truly gone. I most definitely know that person that I was, but it is almost like I was looking and saying " I used to know that person" Hard to explain in words, but the feeling was surreal
Hit a big milestone!!!!
Apr 29, 2008
Well, tonight I hopped on the scale at the gym. I have been at a plateau for over a month. It has been frustrating but in the same sense, I have been struggling with sweets. It scares me to know that I can tolerate sweets. This is really going to be a daily challenge for me. So, anyways, I have been exercising and eating okay but have also been working insane hours. Hence, I have not been working hard at the weight loss thing but somehow was frustrated with not budging.
Well, tonight, I did budge 2 more pounds and now am the lowest weight that I have been in well over 10 years...That was a huge goal of mine and I got there!!!
I have been going through some body image perception changes (does that make sense?) as of late..I absolutely love shopping for new clothes now and have did some damage in the states. Instead of things not fitting, most does and now have to whittle down the selection...With the great comes the not so great. The skin is starting to get loose and is just kinda sitting there right now...I know that I will still lose and plan on looking in to a personal trainer (just gotta come up with the money!!!) to help with the toning but things that should fit nicely sometimes don't due to the way the weight is situated.
I don't think it is really fair that I bitch much tho. I have lost 113 pounds now and have experienced some great highs and some lows from the surgery...I am still the same person, just a different shell.
how to deal
Dec 19, 2007
In the past, my simple solution to deal with the feelings was to binge until I felt some of those feelings go away. Now, with the surgery, I am kind of lost what to do to deal with these emotions and feelings. I am still learning alternatives to bingeing. I know if I binge I may end up in hospital or at the very least get sick. My friends have been absolutely amazing today. Their support has shown me what true friends do for each other to help. Most of my friends are long time friends and they knew my grandmother as well. They have all offered support and whatever else I could use.
Any suggestions on how to handle these feelings would be appreciated. In general, I do find music, exercise, or talking a release. I am just not totally there in that mindset on how to effectively handle these situations. I actually tell myself, well here is when I used to binge, what can I do to cope with these feelings now?
5 months post op
Nov 05, 2007
Well, it is hard to believe it has been 5 months. I have been going through a LOT of emotions lately. There are days I am depressed because I haven't lost as much as I probably could. There are days where I am happy because I notice such a difference. And there are days where I don't know why I feelt a certain way. Overall, I know that losing weight will not change the problems I do have that are not related to weight. My struggles financially, work related, relationship or family wise will not just float away once the weight is gone.
I am pretty much sure of what I can and cannot eat but still find the old habit of eating junk food or testing myself creeping up and it scares me.
I love that I can fit in to things I haven't worn in years and the fact that I can say something is too big for me. I do need to deperately get some new gear tho and my closet is quickly evaporating!!!!
I am thankful to this site to be able to form friendships or talk to people who went/ are going through the same thing as me related to the surgery. I find that while people in my life are supportive, it has kinda slowed down or I feel they don't want to hear about it without passing judgement.
Enjoying this journey so far...
How it's going so far...
Sep 24, 2007
I am not sure if this has happened to anyone before...but I am hesitant to go on treadmills because I have had a few stop on me or they feel like they are not running properly. Today, I decided to try again and was able to go for 35 minutes and felt confident in doing soI also tried the stairmaster but only lasted 2 minutes on it! I am not worried, these things will increase in time:)
Since the surgery, I like to give myself little challenges during exercise, just that extra 5 minutes, trying the stairmaster for the first time in 6 months, doing the extra sit ups, a small 30 second jog.... It just feels great to me when I add them in, and it makes me smile that I do that.
There are some days where I have to really push myself to go and times where I make excuses not to exercise. I have to tell myself to get off my ass....it is only 30 minutes out of my day.
The protein is still really hard to get in and to be honest, the shakes are getting harder to get down. I also struggle with the fluid intake but know these things are a work in progress. Other than that....I am so proud of myself for making such a huge lifestyle change and sticking with it. We had a bakesale at work the other day and I pictured what I would have ate without the surgery. It is just shocking that when these things are in front of you, a small bite is now enough.
I look forward to where this journey will bring me...