sheila S.

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One Year and One Day. I weighed exactly 90 lbs less today than I did one year ago. Sure, the weight loss really wasn't as much as I expected but I am happy nonetheless.
I still do not have all the boundless energy descibed by others who have taken this journey. I feel pretty much the same. It may be due to my hypothyroidism.
I haven't seen my surgeon once since I had the surgery. In fact, I haven't seen any clincal medical professional in his office. He will only allow you to see the dietician and excersise physiologist. I decided to follow up with my family physician but he really has no expertise in this area.
If I had it to do all over again, I would - just with a different surgeon. I feel like there was no support or continuum of care.

I haven't gotten lazy...I've just been so unbelievably busy. Between work, working out, and taking care of my zoological garden at home I just don't have time to do anything else. Plus, my 'puter decided to give me the blue screen of death. I have to surreptiously do my web browsing at work. 

The weight loss has really slowed down for me. I have always been a slow loser. So far, I have lost 62 lbs at 4 1/2 months out. I know, I know...I should be happy. I really lost it when I went to a support group meeting at my therapist's office and met a chick who had lost 65 lbs and had her surgery 2 months after me. When I first met her, I thought she must be at least a year out because there was nothing "fattie" about her. But, oh no, she started at 220 and had already lost 65 lbs. Plus she was a revision. Plus, she admitted she rarely ate. It made me feel like a freak. I'm not losing that fast. I think I am losing a couple of pounds a week now.  I can eat more than I think I should be able to. I am finding I am really struggling with controlling the need to emotionally eat.  I am taking all my vitamins and drinking all my water but I am still exhausted. I exercise at least every other day and I am still tired. My hair is falling out like crazy now. I've seen some other people with hair loss that are farther out than me and it worries me. They look like those 80 year old women with see-through hair. For the positives, I can wear 18W jeans now. I went out last weekend and when I walked by a group of men (albeit kinda redneck-y ones) I heard them say "She's hot!"

So, it's been about a month since I last blogged. I can't explain how different I feel. I got sunbeams shining out of my ass these days. Something happened and I turned a corner. I have confidence. I am not scared to say what I feel. I have learned when to shut the fuck up. I don't miss food. I can cope with my feelings and anxieties without eating. I am stressed out about money as always...bills coming at me from every direction. I just don't give a shit. You can't get blood from a turnip. 
I joined a gym. I haven't gone as faithfully as I said I would but I am going. I even find I want to go even when I can't. At first, I couldn't walk on the treadmill for more than 5 minutes at 2 mph without feeling like I was going to die. Now, I can do the whole 20 minute weight loss program with speeds of 3.5 mph. I am using the strength training equipment, even when other people are around, without feeling like a complete dumbass. 
When I walk, I walk fiercely (like Tyra says). I feel good about myself. I know I gots a long way to go but I am finally starting to feel like I am going to make it. This surgery is going to work for me. 
I went for my 3 month follow up yesterday. I have lost 47.5 pounds. My current weight is 226.5. My original starting weight was 274. It's slower than I thought it would be...but damn, almost 50 lbs in 3 months. 

Since my last post, I have started seeing a counselor. She is awesome...Thanks for the recommendation Jen! I have seen counselors before but have always been ambivalent about being honest. It's like I wanted to pay their fees for them to like me. It's ridiculous I know. I went into this session knowing I needed to make some changes in my life. I went into it expecting to be brutally honest with my counselor and myself. The initial session was just a briefing but she already gave me some valuable insight as to why I am the way I am. She also validated some of my feelings as legitimate. I have never been able to make true friends with people. I get the feeling others sense there is something "off" with me. She explained that victims of sexual abuse have trust issues that can hinder the forming of any kind of relationship. I can't believe this has never occurred to me before. It makes perfect sense. Maybe I am not such a freak...maybe my reactions and feelings about myself are really the direct result of the unresolved sexual abuse...not to mention the fact my mother has never apologized to me or shown any remorse for not believing me. I know this is a way of protecting herself and her own psyche but it has really fucked me up. It's so weird...I have thought about this on and off for the last 20 or so years but I always had food to comfort me. No one understood or cared but the Hershey Company. Now that I do not have the food to turn to, I am really having to address this. It is amazing what the pain of childhood can do to you. I have always thought I was weak...that I am an adult now and should be able to deal with my issues rationally. The truth is, I am still a 12 year old girl looking for someone to love me and to make me feel safe. I spent the majority of my teens and twenties having sex with men hoping to find this peace. I never did. Now I am in a relationship without sex. I find that after being denied sex for so long, I am not even sure if I ever want to have sex again. The relationship I am in now has so many problems and the no sex thing is just symptomatic of this. If you asked my SO, he'd say we have a great relationship. He is happy. He is content. I am finding the better I feel about myself, the less certain I am that I want to be in a relationship with him anymore. I am scared to break it off though because he is my best friend. I don't have anyone else besides my kid. She has been in the role of advisor to me too many times. She doesn't need to worry about my well being. She needs a strong, confident role model. I want to be that for her. I have been such a complete fuck up my whole life. I don't know how the kid turned out so well. She has insecurities but she has always known she is loved. I did one thing right. I want to feel good about myself. I have spent my entire adult life berating myself and setting myself up for failure. I have never had a cheering section...I have always had people telling me I can't do this or that. I want to be my own cheerleader. I want to feel like I am worth it. I want the rest of my life to be spent content and at peace with who and what I am. I have this feeling that the best years have already passed me by and I have such regret. I guess this is normal for a woman approaching 40. 
I am going to continue therapy. I owe it to myself. I am a good person who has made bad choices. I am not beyond redemption. I am not beyond figuring out what will make me happy. I have hope. I am accountable to myself only. I cannot control what anyone else thinks of me. I cannot let other people control how I feel about myself and my choices. This is my mantra.

I woke up with a sick, hopeless feeling today. It seems everything is changing. My life as I know it is irrefutably different. I hate myself. I hate who I have become. Even without the weight issue, I am not a person I am proud of. I have no idea how to relate to people on a professional level. I try. I am so self-aware and I see the looks on the faces of others…the “we don’t take you seriously” look or the “you are not one of us” looks. I feel like a kid in a world of grownups. I realize I am never going to get anywhere but where I am now. I am ambitious. I bust my ass everyday. I work circles around others. The only thing it gets me is a condescending pat on the back. I will never be mistake for a serious candidate for promotion.

In addition to my semi-professional life, I feel a sense of absolute hopelessness about my relationship. I love the man….like a friend. There is no intimacy. We do not have sex. We have been together almost 4 years. We do not live together. There is no immediate plans for any move in a more permanent direction. I feel taken for granted. The reason we have not moved forward have been due to money issues….however, just a couple of weeks ago the son of bitch went out and financed a 50 inch plasma TV. He has no qualms about spending money on himself. When it comes to me, he is broke. I mean, he will pay for dinner, etc. He just will not commit. Then I drive myself crazy thinking “why in the hell should I want a commitment with a man that won’t have sex with me?” The not having sex part has been an issue since almost the beginning of the relationship. I am not sure I would even know what I am supposed to do anymore. Before, even though I was heavy, I had supreme confidence in my abilities. Now, I feel so ugly and embarrassed about myself. He says it has nothing to do with the way I look or anything to do with me at all. Whatever…it still chips away at your self confidence and eventually turns you into this self-loathing person who feels she can never be sexually attractive to anyone. I am horrid writer and I wish I could express myself more eloquently.

I just feel like everything is changing. I am mad as hell. I cry like an idiot all the time. I can’t concentrate on anything. I sleep constantly when I am not at work. I haven’t been excercising or doing anything for myself. This surgery has left me in financial hell. I am on anti-depressants and have been for some time. Have they stopped working since the surgery? Or am I just seeing things more clearly now? Will I ever be happy again? Will anyone ever truly love me? Am I worthy of being loved or respected? I feel like such a bad person. I feel guilty all the time. I just want to curl up in a ball.

 

 

I am so effin sick and tired of the holier than thou posters who get off on being bitchy but managing to convince others how postive and deserving of admiration they are. You are ugly inside and out. 

I have been on a orange juice kick. I drink about 4 oz a day. But, oddly enough, my pee smells like orange juice. I hope nothing has fucked up and rerouted shit where it's not supposed to go. Oh well, it tastes damn good and I am not going to stop over a little smelly pee. 
I went to Waffle House last night. I wanted eggs and hash browns. I am not supposed to be eating any of it. But, OMG, it was good. I just had a few bites of hash browns. I didn't get them scattered, smothered, and covered...just plain. It really hit the spot.
I am finding that food controls my life now more than it ever did. It wears me the hell out thinking about what I should eat and when. 
And, I have hit a stall. I haven't lost any weight in the last 5 days. I know some of the zealous OH'ers will say it's because I am not following the "plan". Bullshit. I call Bullshit. I think my body is just adjusting and has put the breaks on. I will start losing again. There is no way you can take in as little as we do and not lose weight. I don't care if every meal I ate was nothing but chocolate. When you eat nothing but an ounce three times a day, you will lose weight. Duh!
I am at 248lbs. I am 5'6". I am down from 274 since 9/24/07. I think that's pretty damn good. 
BTW, Halloween Sucks! I miss my friend, candy.

I really can't believe I am one month out. I still feel like I am in such limbo. I am supposed to still be on the pureed phase but find I cannot stomach the nasty textures anymore. I started eating soft solids a couple of days ago and have had no problems whatsoever. I find that I have to remember to eat. It's so crazy. I am not having any issues with soda or candy like I imagined I would. I want the strangest things : dill pickles or chips and salsa. Okay, I am gonna admit it. I ate a pickle and I ate some chips and salsa. Well, I licked the salsa off the chips. Sweet baby Jesus it tasted good. 
I read all these profiles and posts where people are chastised for deviating from the eating plan laid out by their surgeon. Why are some surgeons okay with soft foods from the outset and others torture you with 2 weeks of liquid and 4-6 weeks of puree. If you can tolerate it and follow the rules of chewing and eating slowly, what's the damn difference? I haven't dumped from doing this. I was asked to sign a paper taking part in a clinical trial documenting success rates for my surgeon. I think a lot of the motivation for these phases is to lose large amounts of weight quickly and to make the surgeons success rate seem high. I've lost 26 pounds so far. The only protein I have been able to get is what I eat which isn't nearly 60 grams a day. I do get in all my liquid and I am walking a mile to 2 miles a day at a pretty fast clip. 
I know this surgery is only a "tool" (that term really pisses me off for some reason) but I know about my body and what I can tolerate a hell of a lot better than some guy I have talked to for a grand total of 15 minutes since I signed up for surgery. People need to realize the doctors are not these Gods that know all. I am not saying I know all but I have been screwed over by enough docs to know they can really fuck up sometimes. I also work with docs and know how completely retarded they can be. 
So, for me, I am doing what works for me. I am eating what I can and not overeating. I am not eating breads or any pastas, rices, etc. I am trying to eat protein first. But, if I want Allen's Southern Style Green Beans, I am not going to deprive myself of this.Green Beans are good for you. And I am still averaging a pound a day weight loss. So take that!

This past week has been a little more difficult than last. I started back to work on a  part time only basis and I was exhausted. I am finding I have to force myself to eat. I am on pureed foods now and the texture thing is kinda gross. I will admit I have cheated once....I ate  peanut butter on a slice of whole wheat no sugar bread. Now I know what dumping syndrome is...and the foamies. It's enough to make me never do that again. It was the bread that did it. I can eat peanut butter by itself just fine.
Lily came home this week for fall break. She can't really tell a difference yet. I'd say I'll look different at Christmas break. She's having a hard time dealing with this. She has been heavy her whole life too. She wants to have the surgery too. I think she is too young to make a life altering decision. Also, my insurance stopped covering this surgery as of 10/1/07. So, if she did want to do it, it would be private pay. 
I am still feeling regret about the surgery. I keep wondering if I will ever feel normal again. I feel like I am in this limbo and it will never end. I haven't really had any emotional breakdowns like I imagined I would. I am more contemplative. I just zone out. I don't really feel present in any context. I hope this disconnected feeling goes away soon. 
I have lost 23 lbs so that's something I guess.

On Monday, I went to the doctor to get my drain out. I couldn't wait because I had not really wanted to leave the house with that thing hanging out of me. There was NO way to disguise it. So, with a little trepidation, I lay back on an examination table and had my drain removed. It felt kinda weird and hurt a little but nothing like what I expected. The nurse, Sarah, removed the stitches. She placed a steri-strip on the incision. She told me to wash it daily with soap and water and keep a dressing on it for the next week. No problem. 
Imagine my horror when I woke up the next morning with my pajama top soaked in the same bloody liquid previously caught in the drain. I was so scared. I quickly removed the dressing to inspect the incision. I found steri-strip on one side of the wound but the hole where the drain was placed was gaping open and fluids were pouring out.  I thought for sure I had a leak or was bleeding out...I called the doctors office and after having to explain what I needed to the receptionist, was put on hold for close to 10 minutes. Finally talked to the nurse. She was such an effin bitch to me. She acted like I should know this was normal and to be expected. She implied she had told me this. At no time did that bitch say anything of the sort to me. Otherwise, I would not have been calling her. I was treated so rudely I almost told her to bite my ass. But, I kept my composure and decided I will address this with Dr. Boyce at my follow up appt. I am sure they do this all the time and just assume patients will know these things. I sure as hell didn't know it. They need to understand it may be old hat to them, but this is the first time I have ever gone through this so they may need to do a little coaching. And if I call in for assistance, they need to accept responsibility instead of trying to make me feel like crap. I even said to her (in the hopes she would stop being such a bitch) " I'm sorry, I must have misunderstood you" and her reply was "Well, that's okay". That pissed me off soooooo bad. She needs some serious customer service and sensitivity training. 
Anywho....everything else is going okay I guess. The head hunger is making me crazy. I think about food all the time. Right now, I am obssessing about pizza. I think about it all the time. I have been kicking myself in the ass for not enjoying pizza as my last hoorah. I am on liquids for a few more days. Hopefully, once I advance, this will get a little easier. 
Lily is coming home in a little over a week. I cannot wait to see the kid. I cry sometimes thinking about how completely awesome she is. She is my best friend and I am so thankful for her. I'd be batshit crazy without her. 
Oh...I have lost 14 lbs. I weighed myself at home. .