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i've adjusted my goal weight. My doctor thinks that based on where I'm at now, and my body type, I should shoot for 170, not 130. I have to admit that my body shape at age 46 is probably not going to see 130 again. So I just changed my goal to 160. I think I can get lower than that, but I think if I'm 160 on my one year anniversary I would have lost 102 pounds and that ain' too shabby.

 

I was cleaning up the home office and found some pictures from 2006. This was a year after Katrina and I was under a huge amount of stress that year so the fact that I was large doesn't shock me. What shocks me is how much my brain has changed in its perception of how I look. I see these old photos and I SEE them. I see how fat I was, how bad I looked. 

Now, I actually take photos of myself in the dressing room. I wear fitted jackets and I can go out in public in yoga pants (on my way to Pilates). I feel very normal and I can see myself that way too.

 

I'm down another 5 pounds since last week - 188.5 this morning. My doc said there would be a speed up around this time and he was right.

Life is good. Very good.

 

One thing I've struggled with has been over-eating my sleeve. It's not that I was a big over-eater before surgery and I miss stuffing my face. It's more that my eyes and head think that a sliver of a quesadilla the size of a dinner knife is not even close to being a meal. I have only had something like "the foamies" once, but I've been uncomfortably full quite a bit.

Lately I'm eye-balling portions much better. My eyes/head now see food options in terms of the actual size of my stomach. When I cut up the left over quesadilla from last night I cut a piece not much bigger than a dinner knife for my lunch today. I just ate it, and a cheese stick, and I'm good.  I had some Trader Joe's pulled pork the other night and one serving spoon full was totally adequate.

It is a GREAT feeling and good place to be at. I'm teetering on the verge of Onederland and am feeling more in synch between body and mind makes life much more comfortable. I think for me it was just an adjustment that took some time to "take". 

My latest bloodwork to check vitamins and minerals came out golden so from that perspective I'm right on target.

The last thing I want to do when the alarm goes off at 5am is get up. The bed is warm, the room is dark, the dogs are snoring gently and the husband is just a comfortable, familiar lump next to me.

So I might hit snooze, but I'm up at 5:10am and quietly making my way out the door to drive to the pool.

Normally there's only two of us at the pool that early - both doing laps. I start out with a breast stroke, stretching my arms up and out, up and out. I don't have great flexibility in my right leg due to sciatica, but I concentrate on my frog kick and make it as strong and symmetrical as possible. I'm extending my breath - trying to only come up for air once. The pool is not Olympic sized so it's not all that hard.

Once I do 2-3 sets of laps with that stroke I switch to a crawl. My arms rock on the crawl so I concentrate on my kicking and my breathing. I alternate taking one breath through 1/2 a lap, and taking a breath every four strokes. Two laps of the crawl done, I switch to a back stroke, which is relaxing, but a good leg work out if you're kicking right. Next stroke is the butterfly, which I just started doing. It is my favorite stroke for really getting cardio and strength going. Then I start all over again, eventually doing 4 laps of each stroke for an hour. I will throw in what I call my snorkel lap - pretend you're snorkeling, only, you know, hold your breath. Legs kicking, arms at your side, and imagine you're looking at a lovely Caribbean coral reef below you.

I also do a few laps of underwater swimming - staying as close to the bottom a I can and holding my breath for as long as I can. It helps if I picture in my head a Great White shark swimming after me. 

I feel utterly fantastic after every swim. My body loves me, my joints love me, and my lungs love me. This is why I swim.

I replied to a forum post here: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VSG/4573780/How-do-you-reward-yourself/ that I did not reward myself for any moment of this journey.

Back in the days of my crazy eating it was all about reward and punishment. I would reward myself for, well, just about everything, with eating or shopping or both. Unfortunately punishment is the flip side of that coin and I was BRUTAL. Starve, binge, starve, binge. Being "good" by having a salad for lunch meant that I could get that death by chocolate dessert with dinner. That of course deserved punishment so there was no eating for two days. On and on and on.

What I'm doing now is what is normal. It is not special. It does not need to be rewarded other than by the natural progression of weight loss and feeling so much better in my skin emotionally and physically. I can do a little happy dance or cheer when I buy a size 14 jacket for the first time in 20 years, but the moment does not need to be marked any more than that.

Celebrate yes. Reward no.

Second day after ballet class and several of my thigh muscle groups are killing me. Deep muscle soreness is what they call it, and boy do I have it! I haven't been able to gym or swim since, but I'm shooting to be back in the pool tomorrow morning. 

And I'll be back at the barre next week!

Never give up! Never surrender!

 I took an adult ballet class last night and would like to be heavily sedated today.   

Having my ass kicked by a tiny little woman in a leotard has made me realize that I am going to be happiest if I'm "cross-fit". So I'll be back at the dance studio on Monday next for my continuing torture sessions until I can move my legs AND my arms together. I am also going to start horseback riding - probably in January. I'm trying to find a Pilates class that fits into my schedule but that hasn't happened yet. I'm going to keep swimming and do the gym and keep doing the little things - yard work, walking around the office complex, taking the dogs out, etc. all in between.   

My biggest issue right now is my flexibility. I have a chronic case of sciatica on my right hand side so that leg just doesn't extend very well, and it's a little weak. I hope the ballet will help with that. I'm not a yoga person, much to my yoga instructor sister's despair. She does send me helpful videos with poses that relieve the pain when it gets really bad though, which I appreciate and use.  

I think if the gym and the running was all I was doing I would be setting myself up for fitness fail. As great as it feels it still gets to seem like a chore. If anyone is feeling like that - try a kickboxing class, or go ride a bike. A friend of mine takes a trapeze class once a week!

I am still having issues with overeating my sleeve and right now, after too much gyro meat and salad I want to barf.

I am actually debating throwing up. I think it's the salad that did me in from a nausea standpoint.

When the alarm goes off at 5am I hit snooze. When it goes off again at 5:10am I get up, suit up and head to the club I swim at. I do a breaststroke, a crawl, and a backstroke. I do some underwater swimming. My fingers prune. I strive to do a few crawl laps as if I was swimming away from a Great White and I work on my lung capacity and breath hold.    I can totally see the change in my shoulders and arms. I feel stretched and wrung out and sore in a very good way. Swimming not only gives me a good low-impact full-body workout, but I concentrate on on my form as well and it focuses my mind and gets me ready for the day.   It's not just about trimming down. It's about "me" time when I have no other distractions and can be very inside and aware of my body as a machine.