Morgen H.

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Yes, well I'm actually getting on the ball with this updating thing. Today I weighed myself -- down another pound!! 229.8 lbs. Pretty cool. I forgot to mention last time that I am having no hair loss. I wasn't sure what to expect...I've sort of been waiting for it, but I'm almost 4 months out and I have not experienced any. I get in a lot of protein - mostly from protein drinks - at least 100g a day on a regular basis. Could that be it? Possibly....or maybe it just hasn't hit me yet....I've been having trouble with exercise lately. The more I do it, the more I want to do it, but once I get out of the groove I really have a hard time getting back in. So I'm going to use the ol' 5 minute wagering with myself. I consider it a success if i go five minutes instead of doing nothing, so I promise myself that if I go out there and do it I can stop after five. With me I always want to exercise more once i am there and don't have a problem after that. It's really just the big looming length I tell myself I have to go, but when I do it out of choice rather than forcing myself I usually have a much better time. So... tomorrow it is walking across the street, down a few blocks and up to the next main street. If I don't like it, I can come back. That's a much more doable task than telling myself I have to walk for 45 minutes because "it's good for me". Taking things in small increments is usually a lot less intimidating for me. Besides, if I go out and walk 5 minutes everyday for a week, that is 35 minutes more than I would have walked had I told myself I had to walk 45 everyday and got defeated before I even went out there and ended up staying home. My mantra: "Progress, not perfection". Works for me!!

Wow, it's been a long time! I have been neglecting my duties as a good OH member and not keeping track of my journey online. I guess I'll start with where I am today. I weighed myself this morning and I am at 230.8. Wowza!! 69 pounds gone!! And I am at 15 weeks. Geesh. It's so amazing. I am trying to fathom 69 pounds. It's hard to believe that I had so much extra weight on me. And I still want to lose 91 more pounds! WOW!!! Do I really carry that much weight on me? Geesh. Think how much better I feel, how much lighter I will be on my feet then, at 140 pounds. Wow. Hard to fathom. I know that I feel it already. I can crouch down without losing my balance or having my legs go numb. I can push myself off the floor with minimal effort. And the fact that I CAN get down on the floor comfortably is amazing!! I feel sooo light!! So flexible. So in control of my body without all the extra weight toppling me over and making me lose my balance. And walking...oh, walking is fun now. I love to walk. I find it soothing and a respite from the day. It is like a little break rather than a chore...wow...never thought I'd feel THAT way...never. I threw up for the first time since my surgery. The other night I had an ostrich jerky, which has sat well with me before, and ate a little too much. And it just sat there. And sat and sat and sat. It had been a half hour since I ate and it wasn't moving anywhere and I felt really sick. Finally I just went and made myself vomit. I have been hesitating to do that because I used to have bulimia and I fear that if I make myself throw up that I could get into that cycle again...but actually throwing up has taught me a lesson -- RESPECT THE POUCH!!! Amen! I have been having trouble eating too much because I think I should be able to eat more....and then I would sit uncomfortably in agony until it went down. Having to throw up has made me learn respect. Only eat until you are satiated. Not FULL, but satiated. It's that step before full and all we need. I am still only eating 1 meal, on average, sometimes two, per day. My surgeon and support group leader says that it is okay, as long as I get my protein in through my shakes . We're only eating for practice now, they say, as long as we are in the weight-loss phase. Our body is using up our fat stores and, besides the protien, water and vitamins, that's all we need. So I'm good with that. My OH friends, however, are worried about me. But I stick to what my experts say. After all, they are the ones who really know best. And I'm happy with that. I have also started therapy. I go twice a week. I find it an integral part of my journey not only becasue I have emotional eating issues, but also because I need help processing my change, my body, my new lifestyle. I need the support and I am getting it. Plus we are working on past family issues and why I make the choices I do today. My friend, who is five years out, said that our stomachs are too small now to binge. True. BUT, emotional eating is eating in place of action, feeling, self-care, regardless of the amount. If I eat in reaction to something then it is emotional eating. My needs are not getting met. I am not taking care of myself. So I may be losing weight, but it doesn't mean I don't have a problem with emotional eating in place of getting my needs met. Be it a bite of a donut or a carrot stick. It's still emotional eating if you are eating in reaction to something. Well, I guess this is it for me tonight. I hope to be more consistent with my journal. I'd like everyone to be helped and inspired by what I write, plus it helps me to sort out my feelings. HUGS!!

I got a "to go" meal of shrimp and Talapia at Chili's the other night. I ate there at an OH lunch and had success with the meal....but now that it has been sitting in my refrigerator for a couple of days and I've gotten 4 meals out of it (still more than 1/2 left!) I am really getting sick of it. Literally! Not that I am ever vomiting (I have never vomited), but I am feeling a little sick after I eat. I think that I am not chewing well enough. I feel it in my pouch and it feels like I have a sponge in my there. Too much food, perhaps? I am making an effort to eat slower and chew more. I am trying something new. It has been really hard for me to wait in between bites, so I have gotten out some magazines and left them by the table. I am going to read in between bites so that I don't eat too fast. I won't read while I'm chewing, just when I'm waiting. I've really been against reading while eating in the past, but now that I've had the surgery and have to wait so long in between bites, I am considering that it might actually be beneficial. I'll keep my blog posted for the results!

I really wish I had updated my profile this last month, but I've just not taken the time. I am feeling very good right now, as far as my health goes. I had some depression for a few weeks, probably one of the reasons that I haven't updated. Don't feel like doing ANYTHING when I am depressed. I got an increase in my antidepressant a week ago and it is already helping. It seems as if I can deal with things better since the surgery. I just feel better about life in general! I have more energy even when I am tired and even when I'm depressed. I have found that fish, shrimp, refried beans, hummus and feta cheese sit with me well, but I now hate eggs and cottage cheese -- they are just so slimy!! I am at 7 weeks today and have lost 48 pounds -- only 2 until the half-century mark!! I can't wait. Many more shedding pounds to come and a better life for my present AND future!

I haven't blogged in a while because I have been so busy. I feel really good!! I really have very little issues to speak of...but there are two. The first issue I have is getting sleepy after I eat. Does anyone else have this issue? I have been told that it gets better with time. So I don't think it is the dairy that makes me so sleepy, but food in general right now. The second issue I have is feeling exhausted at the end of the day no matter how much sleep I get during the day. But I've noticed that I am no longer lethargic and depressed. I have real energy. When I get tired it is because my body is tired, not my spirit. Other than that all is pretty good. I am starting school in March 13th for phlebotomy. It's a night class. I hope that my nighttime energy gets better by then. My beginning was so rough, but everyday I am more and more happy about having the surgery. I'm staring to feel like a normal human being again!!.....oh, and 28 pounds gone forever...!!!

I had my one week check-up on Wednesday with Dr. Rumsey. He said that i am doing well. I even lost 15 pounds!! By today, though, I have lost 22 pounds. It's so amazing!! Hardly time for reality to set in. I have noticed a change in my face and a really big change in my stomach. Other people have commented on the same thing. Even my friend's teenagers (who usually pretend to be oblivious) commented on the weight I've lost. I don't mind it at all. The only problem I have been having is that I get hungry in the middle of the day and any type of food seems good to me. I had been trying cottage cheese out first because I normally love it, but it has made me very sleepy. I only ate dinner because of this. My doctor won't let me have any type of seafood yet, so last night I tried refried beans. Man!! I cannot tell you enough about how satisfied I was!! They went down so smoothly. Got a little bit of gas this morning, but not too much. So I'm good to go with them!! YAY!! I also got out walking around the neighborhood. I made it about 15 minutes pretty easily, so next time I am going to go for 20. YAY!! I also got an elliptical machine for home. I have to pay someone to come set it up still. I can't wait to use it! My incisions are healing very well and most of the time the only discomfort I have is from my clothes rubbing against the scabs. I think I am going to try on some clothes today. Found some shirts yesterday that I fit into again, so there must be more!! What an excitng day. I also was able to sleep through the night finally with the help of a xanax. I REALLY needed it. My previous record for hours of sleep in a row after surgery was 4 1/2. Pretty exhausting.....but I got 9 last night and I feel full of energy today!! Yes, it's a good day!! : )

i am feeling better each day now. I am taking many naps because I can't sleep more than 5 hours at night. I think that's from how uncomfortable I feel in the same position for so long. I have less discomfort than I did 4 days ago, but still can't sleep on my side. Everything is going down well and most things agree with my pouch. I tried lactose free nonfat milk in my shake on friday and have been using it ever since. I think it's a little early to try regular milk. My incision is feeling better, too. I had been waking up with pain below the surface of it, but that is getting better, too. I have a lot of upper GI gas. I must be swallowing too much air when I drink. But as with everything else, that has gotten better, too. i've also found that taking really deep breaths makes me burp. I got my first compliment last night. My Grandad said that my face looks thinner already. As of today I have lost about 14 pounds since surgery plus the 7 before for a total of 21 pounds. Tried on jeans today from my large stash of "someday" clothes and found that I fit into a pair that i hadn't been able to since last December. It feels pretty good. I'm getting a little excited now about the weight loss, but I'm still not feeling well enough to get too excited. I've been walking up and down the driveway. Sometimes I feel worn out after one lap and other times I can go longer. Gets better everyday, considering I could only do a 1/2 lap when I got home.

I've really had a rough go of it. My surgery was so scary. All I remember is waking up in the recovery room saying, " I can't breathe! I can't breathe". Then they put my CPAP on and I don't remember anything else. I do have a sense of the tension and fear I felt even as I was under anesthesia. I was SO SCARED!! It was one of the worst and best experiences of my life. When Dr. Rumsey got to the stomach portion of the operation he found that my liver was so huge that it was covering the upper part of the stomach. He couldn't move it with the small laproscopic instruments, so he had to convert to an open surgery. I don't know why, but I am balling as I write this passage. It was such an extremely emotional experience for me, something that is kept inside me that I don't know everything about consciously....god, I'm just crying and crying.....

It's funny. I never realized how much my depression and lack of motivation in my life had to do with feeling hopeless about my health. I had gotten so used to not being able to do the things I used to do that I just thought, "What the hell? Who gives a f**k about it" and just stopped trying. Too depressed to clean. Too depressed to get out of bed. Too depressed to take a shower. Too depressed to eat a decent meal.....Now that I have gotten approved and have a date (2 1/2 days away, btw!!) my attitude and mood have gotten so much better. I've decided to give the house a once-over. I have a lot of work, but I will at least get the most important things done before surgery so that I can recouperate in a semi-clean house (still too much clutter to get under control before surgery). I am so proud of myself!! I have gotten a lot accomplished! I have been taking little breaks (or big breaks, too!) in between chores when my back begins to hurt or I get too tired. I only push myself when I know that the "little bit more" can be accomplished without hurting myself physically. The funny thing is, I don't have to push myself mentally. I WANT to do it!! Wow. What a concept. The term "follow through" has not been in my self description for a while, except to say I have none!...but now...now it is different. And I revel in the newfound self-confidence and accomplishment. Will there be more to come!?....I hope so : ) Oh, and pre-op....fun and exciting. Met the others who are having surgery Monday, too. I'm so damn excited!! I just CAN'T WAIT!!!!!! And I'm Dr. Rumsey's only patient on Monday so he should be fresh and ready to have a good surgery with me. Thanks Dr. Rumsey : ) My life is in your hands. I know you'll take good care of me : )

Lordy Jesus!! Get thee to an operating room!!